Saturday, May 02, 2009
Portugal 09
didn't make you wait too long did i? anyhow, allow me to present the photojournal of my wonderful trip to portugal (in reverse chronology). enjoy!
u bin there before, u bin there again
lugged a huge baggage of emotions to ubin today, and dumped it all there. rather amazed by how, with a totally different group of people, and totally without my influence, we managed to take almost the exact same route that i had taken on that day that i would like very much to forget. even though my butt hurts, i can also feel this veritable lightness to my soul which i am rather grateful for. heartiest thanks to S for asking me along... in exchange, i shall provide you with alcohol. when i next remember to bring it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
sun in my eyes
this is a new song that is just starting to bubble up from that tiny little corner of my mind that still believes in every little moment that we shared, because that's what everything is about isn't it? and here's hoping that someone out there will read this, and find enough promise in these few lines to want to help me complete this song, or maybe write a happy tune for me. :) i know you want to.
there's a little bit of sunshine i think you left behind
when you left me in the middle of a word i can't
remember if you said goodbye
or if it's just the wind
feeling sorry for my eyes
but i know that i'll be fine
cos it doesn't matter
as long as we are better off
in time
where time is a function of the
life that we allow ourselves to live
is to breathe, is to grieve, is to believe
that we are worth the love that we were given
even though though we've been forgotten
we can sing ourselves a new song
la la la la
la la la la
and even though we dance
to the rhythm of a different anthem
please don't take it that i feel
any less naked than you do when
we lift our eyes and gaze up at the stars
they are shining for us
to remind us that someone is out there
and watching us from where we stand
we can be
a million miles away
but it's ok
cos the sun will still be coming out today
la la la la
la la la la
there's a little bit of sunshine i think you left behind
when you left me in the middle of a word i can't
remember if you said goodbye
or if it's just the wind
feeling sorry for my eyes
but i know that i'll be fine
cos it doesn't matter
as long as we are better off
in time
where time is a function of the
life that we allow ourselves to live
is to breathe, is to grieve, is to believe
that we are worth the love that we were given
even though though we've been forgotten
we can sing ourselves a new song
la la la la
la la la la
and even though we dance
to the rhythm of a different anthem
please don't take it that i feel
any less naked than you do when
we lift our eyes and gaze up at the stars
they are shining for us
to remind us that someone is out there
and watching us from where we stand
we can be
a million miles away
but it's ok
cos the sun will still be coming out today
la la la la
la la la la
Sunday, April 26, 2009
lisp on!
"no really really i think i'm very misunderstood... really really..."
haha. that was certainly a very memorable first experience of getting really drunk. of course yc believes (with his wealth of experience) that we were nowhere close to being truly wholly wasted but as far as i'm concerned, i am never going there again. still, these things can be awesome as long as you look at them from the right angle...
and talking about right angles, gambling is also something that can be awesome if seen from behind appropriately tinted glasses. in this case, the tinting involved roughly half an hour of rationalizing that the REAL purpose of our poker playing was to learn more about Life. something like that. and in an effort to not feel guilty about gambling away precious euros, we decided it would be a much better idea to use personal secrets as our default currency.
wrong. and much gratefulness to L for rescuing us from the depths of alcohol-aided mutual destruction. :)
haha. that was certainly a very memorable first experience of getting really drunk. of course yc believes (with his wealth of experience) that we were nowhere close to being truly wholly wasted but as far as i'm concerned, i am never going there again. still, these things can be awesome as long as you look at them from the right angle...
and talking about right angles, gambling is also something that can be awesome if seen from behind appropriately tinted glasses. in this case, the tinting involved roughly half an hour of rationalizing that the REAL purpose of our poker playing was to learn more about Life. something like that. and in an effort to not feel guilty about gambling away precious euros, we decided it would be a much better idea to use personal secrets as our default currency.
wrong. and much gratefulness to L for rescuing us from the depths of alcohol-aided mutual destruction. :)
Friday, April 24, 2009
pour, toast
do i really want to know more about you? do you really want to know more about me? perhaps. or maybe we all just want to find out, through these reluctant answers, who we really are and where we really stand in this crazy little world.
more alcohol required, that's for certain.
words to remember -- Potteresque, Rowling.
more alcohol required, that's for certain.
words to remember -- Potteresque, Rowling.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
potholes
i would like to drink
with you
and watch the spirit
spirit us away
from what the mind
tries to say
and we would be all
red and white
lips and teeth
till the night
slips beneath us
and ages into morning
with you
and watch the spirit
spirit us away
from what the mind
tries to say
and we would be all
red and white
lips and teeth
till the night
slips beneath us
and ages into morning
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
coins in brass; cow nibbling grass
ruins oversaturated with sunlight; tight-metal-pole-walking; sexuality forum; roman forum; aqueduct = +2 city health; exemplary taxi drivers; entire busload of english translators; standing broad jump; peanut butter; marmite; spiral eggpeel; postcard quality blue skies; abject fear of checking the office email.
i didnt have a particularly fantastic opinion of portugal when i first arrived, but this place sort of grows on you. i dont think (sorry i cant find the apostrophe on this keyboard) i came across anyone here whose social behavior was even mildly distasteful, which struck me because prior to this trip i had practically resigned myself to believing that nasty people are to be found everywhere. of course, im not saying that everyone here is an angel, but i must say theyre doing a pretty good job so far of hiding their crooks and louts and mercenaries and ungracious people from the three of us.
and since i dont know enough of portugals social conditions to give any objective opinion, i have decided to allow myself the simple joy of believing that this place is full of wonderful people, and that at the end of this week, enough of its goodness would have osmosed into my grossly unrefined singaporean brain to turn me into the model citizen that our government tries so hard to mould us into.
i didnt have a particularly fantastic opinion of portugal when i first arrived, but this place sort of grows on you. i dont think (sorry i cant find the apostrophe on this keyboard) i came across anyone here whose social behavior was even mildly distasteful, which struck me because prior to this trip i had practically resigned myself to believing that nasty people are to be found everywhere. of course, im not saying that everyone here is an angel, but i must say theyre doing a pretty good job so far of hiding their crooks and louts and mercenaries and ungracious people from the three of us.
and since i dont know enough of portugals social conditions to give any objective opinion, i have decided to allow myself the simple joy of believing that this place is full of wonderful people, and that at the end of this week, enough of its goodness would have osmosed into my grossly unrefined singaporean brain to turn me into the model citizen that our government tries so hard to mould us into.
combs and bras
tried in vain to look for memory stick ports in the common computer. there´s a photo i had wanted to upload, but perhaps it´s just as good that i didnt get to upload it.
half drunk now from portuguese fado, and i can´t believe i´m still awake now.
i think i really needed this holiday.
half drunk now from portuguese fado, and i can´t believe i´m still awake now.
i think i really needed this holiday.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
3 less beans
feeling bleary-eyed after a long long day, spent mostly under the umbrella. had highly carcinogenic-looking portuguese tarts at this ginormous place, where lydia was chastised by the waiter for ordering a second helping. what's wrong with second helpings? dun worry lydia we're behind you all the way!
saw an accident; did not take picture in time; saw an old man sprawling in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic; saw ordinary passersby leaping into instant action to save him. very impressed.
i am having guitar withdrawal. didn't realize how much i have grown dependent on it.
saw an accident; did not take picture in time; saw an old man sprawling in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic; saw ordinary passersby leaping into instant action to save him. very impressed.
i am having guitar withdrawal. didn't realize how much i have grown dependent on it.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
less buns too
yc's here! looks like today's going to be another rainy day though, thank goodness he brought his very recognizable black NYC umbrella to tide us through. hoping the other guy in our room will check out soon so we can stay up late without feeling like we're his worst nightmare.
note to self: buy toothpaste.
note to self: buy toothpaste.
less bones
day 1 in portugal. it's a beautiful place, with pretty pretty buildings all around us. walking along the riverfront in lisbon reminded me of you, although this riverfront was a lot less memorable than the one we walked along, so many years ago.
it's been great so far though, with great company all through the long-ass flight here (and the longer-ass wait at amsterdamn airport. every single time i've been in the amsterdamn airport it's been a 6 hour wait. damn) and the happy little walk around baixa. love the steep alleys and run down facades, and the cool spring air. very nice. very unsingaporean.
as can be seen though, i havent been able to tear myself away from the internet. it's a weakness. but i'm not ashamed :)
had this interesting portuguese tomato rice thingy with loads of seafood. also had the toughest steak in the world. accidentally swallowed a piece (reflex) before i finished chewing, and it tore through my throat giving me a horrible horrible sore throat. i think it's bleeding inside and feeing my stomach with nutritious throat juice and tissue fluid. thank God i can't see inside myself.
...i wish you were here.
it's been great so far though, with great company all through the long-ass flight here (and the longer-ass wait at amsterdamn airport. every single time i've been in the amsterdamn airport it's been a 6 hour wait. damn) and the happy little walk around baixa. love the steep alleys and run down facades, and the cool spring air. very nice. very unsingaporean.
as can be seen though, i havent been able to tear myself away from the internet. it's a weakness. but i'm not ashamed :)
had this interesting portuguese tomato rice thingy with loads of seafood. also had the toughest steak in the world. accidentally swallowed a piece (reflex) before i finished chewing, and it tore through my throat giving me a horrible horrible sore throat. i think it's bleeding inside and feeing my stomach with nutritious throat juice and tissue fluid. thank God i can't see inside myself.
...i wish you were here.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
everyone needs to watch this
Susan Boyle, Britain's Got TalentPLEASE watch this video if you haven't already. if it doesn't choke you up, you are not human.
talking about suppressing nostalgia.
there's a short period of my life that i wish i could look back at with nostalgia, but everytime the memories creep up on me, i am forced to push them away. i realize that very soon these memories will fade, and eventually vanish into that little graveyard in my head reserved for things like that.
pity, because even back then, i could already imagine being a wrinkly old man and smiling fondly in reminiscence.
well, some dreams you wake up from and wish you can forget them as soon as possible, simply because you know they aren't real, and there's no way you can ever go back there. in some ways, i resent the waking. in some ways, i am intensely grateful for it.
there's a short period of my life that i wish i could look back at with nostalgia, but everytime the memories creep up on me, i am forced to push them away. i realize that very soon these memories will fade, and eventually vanish into that little graveyard in my head reserved for things like that.
pity, because even back then, i could already imagine being a wrinkly old man and smiling fondly in reminiscence.
well, some dreams you wake up from and wish you can forget them as soon as possible, simply because you know they aren't real, and there's no way you can ever go back there. in some ways, i resent the waking. in some ways, i am intensely grateful for it.
uniformed
went back for In Camp Training for the first time in my life today (i'm in two minds about whether to end with a . or a ! so i think something else would have to suffice) ............
it was an experience. made friends with complete strangers from completely alien backgrounds. got an update on the best massage parlours in singapore, plus every extra thing they offer. discovered how dreadful the upcoming exercise in june is going to be...even the officers are dreading it and trying to defer. ran 2.4km, so i don't feel so bad about monday. realized that there are people who are actually really concerned about the safety of our little country. ate awesome cookhouse food. ate even more food. rediscovered some suppressed nostalgia of hanging out in stuffy old bunks with familiar people in the same boat. suppressed the nostalgia.
all in all, i'm kind of on the fence about the value of reservist. but still slightly leaning towards migrating to alaska.
it was an experience. made friends with complete strangers from completely alien backgrounds. got an update on the best massage parlours in singapore, plus every extra thing they offer. discovered how dreadful the upcoming exercise in june is going to be...even the officers are dreading it and trying to defer. ran 2.4km, so i don't feel so bad about monday. realized that there are people who are actually really concerned about the safety of our little country. ate awesome cookhouse food. ate even more food. rediscovered some suppressed nostalgia of hanging out in stuffy old bunks with familiar people in the same boat. suppressed the nostalgia.
all in all, i'm kind of on the fence about the value of reservist. but still slightly leaning towards migrating to alaska.
Monday, April 13, 2009
love song for ourselves (original song)
i didn't go to church today.
i fact i haven't gone to church much.
but i want to thank God for putting words in my heart and making my fingers move, because i know those words don't come from my tiny little brain. yet somehow i get to write them down, and sing them, and they heal me. maybe they'll heal someone else too, someday :)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
drafts
it's funny how much i depend on blogger.com. when i write my songs, i post the half-written pieces here so i can revisit them every once in awhile, try out different chord progressions or different words from anywhere in the world where there's internet. pretty proud of myself at this moment cos i managed to rescue a bunch of lines previously given up for dead and completed another song! it's called Love Song for Ourselves.
with accompanying music no less, although i haven't recorded it yet. stay tuned.
with accompanying music no less, although i haven't recorded it yet. stay tuned.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
bulletproofing
it hurts my brain but i had to think it through. why do i feel this way? why am i starting to build these protective walls around myself when in the past i had always insisted they were unnecessary?
the thinking helped a little.
with k, and then c, i already had reservations in my mind from day one. i remember being more nervous than happy each time i realized what i was getting myself into, and when things started to fall apart, i was sad of course but not too surprised.
with you it was different. when you came into my life, i couldn't believe how blessed i was. in my eyes, you were the exact opposite of everything that was wrong about my previous relationships, and you were everything that i had felt was missing from my life. and you know, it made me intensely happy to realize that i was making you happy too.
the haze before my eyes took a really long time to settle. even when things started to go wrong, i would still gush to my friends about you, and they all thought you were awesome. they thought that after years of being taken for granted by the ones i loved, i had finally found someone who appreciated me. those times when you put me down in front of your friends, it was still so easy to forgive because i had already created in my mind dozens of excuses for you. and each time your voice on the other end of the line cut deep gashes into me, i'd shrug it off as a stubborn bad dream that would eventually go away.
and i lied to myself (and everyone around me) so well that when it ended, no one saw it coming. not even me (but wait, no. i think you did. you had seen it coming, right from the beginning, hadn't you?)
that's why it still hurts. because in my foolishness that fateful saturday morning, i had somehow managed to convince myself that you were everything i had been looking for my whole life. and when it came the time to jump, i realized that i had had already floated so high, and i had so many miles to fall.
so i'm sorry. it was never your fault. you were just searching for happiness; you just wanted to live life to the fullest. i'm sorry i stumbled into your path and mistook you for an angel, because you looked so much like one. and now i've got these walls all around me because i know i can't afford another fall like this one.
i'm sure you're happy with your life now. and i'm sure the people around you bring more meaning to your life than i could ever have done, so please, just leave me alone? yes, i can make conversation, but somehow every word you say still makes my heart break, no matter what the content. you know how much i loved you. let me tell you a secret -- i still do. so please. just. go. away.
you don't know what it feels like to be on the other side. i hope you never have to find out.
the thinking helped a little.
with k, and then c, i already had reservations in my mind from day one. i remember being more nervous than happy each time i realized what i was getting myself into, and when things started to fall apart, i was sad of course but not too surprised.
with you it was different. when you came into my life, i couldn't believe how blessed i was. in my eyes, you were the exact opposite of everything that was wrong about my previous relationships, and you were everything that i had felt was missing from my life. and you know, it made me intensely happy to realize that i was making you happy too.
the haze before my eyes took a really long time to settle. even when things started to go wrong, i would still gush to my friends about you, and they all thought you were awesome. they thought that after years of being taken for granted by the ones i loved, i had finally found someone who appreciated me. those times when you put me down in front of your friends, it was still so easy to forgive because i had already created in my mind dozens of excuses for you. and each time your voice on the other end of the line cut deep gashes into me, i'd shrug it off as a stubborn bad dream that would eventually go away.
and i lied to myself (and everyone around me) so well that when it ended, no one saw it coming. not even me (but wait, no. i think you did. you had seen it coming, right from the beginning, hadn't you?)
that's why it still hurts. because in my foolishness that fateful saturday morning, i had somehow managed to convince myself that you were everything i had been looking for my whole life. and when it came the time to jump, i realized that i had had already floated so high, and i had so many miles to fall.
so i'm sorry. it was never your fault. you were just searching for happiness; you just wanted to live life to the fullest. i'm sorry i stumbled into your path and mistook you for an angel, because you looked so much like one. and now i've got these walls all around me because i know i can't afford another fall like this one.
i'm sure you're happy with your life now. and i'm sure the people around you bring more meaning to your life than i could ever have done, so please, just leave me alone? yes, i can make conversation, but somehow every word you say still makes my heart break, no matter what the content. you know how much i loved you. let me tell you a secret -- i still do. so please. just. go. away.
you don't know what it feels like to be on the other side. i hope you never have to find out.
Friday, April 10, 2009
1. s, now i know exactly how you must have felt.
2. why even bother to say hi?
and note to self: who am i kidding?
3. thanks val, for always talking to me at exactly the right time about exactly the right things, even though we talk to each other way to little. and for being so much wiser than me (baby wipes notwithstanding).
2. why even bother to say hi?
and note to self: who am i kidding?
3. thanks val, for always talking to me at exactly the right time about exactly the right things, even though we talk to each other way to little. and for being so much wiser than me (baby wipes notwithstanding).
Thursday, April 09, 2009
respect.
spent the good part of this week working with one of SOM's senior planners (Earl Jackson) on our eco-city project. SOM promised us that this guy was going to be fantastic and we would love him and he's magic to any project he touches.
turns out, they were right. he's absolutely fantastic. my boss can now sleep well because we're back on track, and for me, i am in awe. i mean, he's only 37 but everything about him is awesome! he looks like a surfer dude (and is one actually), draws like a real artist, and the way he talks, he can tell you you're going to die in an hour's time and you'd be like, "oh ok why not?"
AND he's soooo sweet to his wife! i was discussing the project with him and his wife called from US, and he totally turned into a teddy bear for 5 minutes. and then he put down the phone and became an architect again. wow.
i don't usually find myself so in awe, but really. when i went into architecture, that was the kind of person i wanted to be. well, i have 10 more years to go! jia you me!
turns out, they were right. he's absolutely fantastic. my boss can now sleep well because we're back on track, and for me, i am in awe. i mean, he's only 37 but everything about him is awesome! he looks like a surfer dude (and is one actually), draws like a real artist, and the way he talks, he can tell you you're going to die in an hour's time and you'd be like, "oh ok why not?"
AND he's soooo sweet to his wife! i was discussing the project with him and his wife called from US, and he totally turned into a teddy bear for 5 minutes. and then he put down the phone and became an architect again. wow.
i don't usually find myself so in awe, but really. when i went into architecture, that was the kind of person i wanted to be. well, i have 10 more years to go! jia you me!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
i love staring at people. especially pretty people (without gender discrimination). sometimes i idly wish i was cross-eyed so i could stare at people all day long and no one would be able to confidently tell that they are being stared at.
i hate make-up though. i think it's mildly degrading. you've always looked better without.
i hate make-up though. i think it's mildly degrading. you've always looked better without.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
first thought, "what was it that made you change so quickly into someone else? i feel like i barely know this person now."
second thought, "maybe you were like this all along, but i just couldn't/wouldn't see."
third, "what's wrong with any of that? doesn't everyone change? and isn't everyone blind once in awhile?"
in other news, arissa, we are proud of you! 21.4 yrs old already and still so naive and gullible! :) or maybe you knew it and you were just pretending to be surprised. :(
second thought, "maybe you were like this all along, but i just couldn't/wouldn't see."
third, "what's wrong with any of that? doesn't everyone change? and isn't everyone blind once in awhile?"
in other news, arissa, we are proud of you! 21.4 yrs old already and still so naive and gullible! :) or maybe you knew it and you were just pretending to be surprised. :(
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
in my darkest hours, faye's prawn crackers keep me going.
i have been very diligent not to overly consume, but i think i need to stock up very soon cos i have many hours of darkness in my life!
today's not so bad though, everyone seems to be in a good mood. perhaps cos it's april fool's so we are all fooling ourselves that life is bright and dandy and we're all going to keep our jobs forever and no one's going to get any pay cuts. why can't april fool's be a week long thing? or month long?
i love lunch treats. sometimes there are benefits to having bosses.
and i like how my big boss somehow found out from dunno who that i'm planning to go to portugal, and he actually asked me about it today. like, "oh have you gone europe before, how come you're only going 1 country etc etc." MEANING he approves! saved me the trouble of actually having to break the news to him.
arissa, we have to try harder next year on this april fools thing. i am sure i could have done a much better job if i didn't have to leave my desk every 5 min. and yours was just lame lah totally out of point.
ok! home, here i come!
i have been very diligent not to overly consume, but i think i need to stock up very soon cos i have many hours of darkness in my life!
today's not so bad though, everyone seems to be in a good mood. perhaps cos it's april fool's so we are all fooling ourselves that life is bright and dandy and we're all going to keep our jobs forever and no one's going to get any pay cuts. why can't april fool's be a week long thing? or month long?
i love lunch treats. sometimes there are benefits to having bosses.
and i like how my big boss somehow found out from dunno who that i'm planning to go to portugal, and he actually asked me about it today. like, "oh have you gone europe before, how come you're only going 1 country etc etc." MEANING he approves! saved me the trouble of actually having to break the news to him.
arissa, we have to try harder next year on this april fools thing. i am sure i could have done a much better job if i didn't have to leave my desk every 5 min. and yours was just lame lah totally out of point.
ok! home, here i come!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
barrage no.3
wrote better or worse with someone constantly floating in my mind -- makes it a lot easier!
weiquan, can't wait for our fighting photos to come out on facebook! (all thanks to yilin, who snapped at exactly the right time and saved us lots of anguish and potential embarrassment)
val, hope you had a wonderful belated bday and julie, WE are why singapore is such an awesome place! come back!
oh if anyone knows a good guitar teacher, please recommend ok?
weiquan, can't wait for our fighting photos to come out on facebook! (all thanks to yilin, who snapped at exactly the right time and saved us lots of anguish and potential embarrassment)
val, hope you had a wonderful belated bday and julie, WE are why singapore is such an awesome place! come back!
oh if anyone knows a good guitar teacher, please recommend ok?
Friday, March 27, 2009
better or worse
i'm a tree in the forest
and you are far across the ocean
if i fall, would i make a sound
if you're not there to listen
i am free as a bird
with no cares or woes to mention
but i need a destination
so i'm flying down to where you are cos
we both know it doesn't matter
if it's for the worse, or for the better
it's quite enough to have to hold
so hold my hand and take me home
i'm a word, i'm a sentence
i'm a page, i'm a chapter
but i'll never become a story
till you open your eyes and read me
i'm a bee, you're a flower
i'm a seed, you are the farmer
i am mud, you are a potter
so pick me up and make me whole cos
we both know it doesn't matter
if it's for the worse, or for the better
it's quite enough to have to hold
so hold my hand and take me home
and we won't second guess the future
cos we have fate between our fingers
so don't look back no more
i'm sure we have the answer
and you are far across the ocean
if i fall, would i make a sound
if you're not there to listen
i am free as a bird
with no cares or woes to mention
but i need a destination
so i'm flying down to where you are cos
we both know it doesn't matter
if it's for the worse, or for the better
it's quite enough to have to hold
so hold my hand and take me home
i'm a word, i'm a sentence
i'm a page, i'm a chapter
but i'll never become a story
till you open your eyes and read me
i'm a bee, you're a flower
i'm a seed, you are the farmer
i am mud, you are a potter
so pick me up and make me whole cos
we both know it doesn't matter
if it's for the worse, or for the better
it's quite enough to have to hold
so hold my hand and take me home
and we won't second guess the future
cos we have fate between our fingers
so don't look back no more
i'm sure we have the answer
Thursday, March 26, 2009
way home
paid a racecar driver to take me home today. stepping out of the taxi, i saw a china guy walking towards the bus stop carrying a bolster in his arm. his friend was carrying a pillow.
pinched myself, failed to wake up, and continued home.
pinched myself, failed to wake up, and continued home.
16 days ago. i remember, do you?
"don't read so much into this but..."
it's funny how we say this to each other more and more these days. i doubt anything's going to (or should) happen really, but i'd be lying if i say i'm not thinking about it. i know that time heals all wounds and perhaps we're only remembering the good stuff, but honestly, before all that mess we fell into, it wasn't too bad was it? (the mess was bad though...life threatening!)
that night (too long ago), when i walked you home, we were talking and talking but all i could think of really was, "what would i give to just hold your hand one more time..." and what would have happened if i did? well, in the end nothing came out of it -- i said bye and took a taxi home, happy that i had even the chance to think that thought.
today was a particularly bad day, but it was tempered by the residual happiness from last night (and of course also tempered by yun who brightens anyone's day) and that more or less dragged me through the doldrums of work until i could finally blog again.
i hope you passed by the river today, cos some little pieces of my heart are still scattered there on the bridge. maybe you'd find them.
of course, don't think too much about it. i won't either. :)
it's funny how we say this to each other more and more these days. i doubt anything's going to (or should) happen really, but i'd be lying if i say i'm not thinking about it. i know that time heals all wounds and perhaps we're only remembering the good stuff, but honestly, before all that mess we fell into, it wasn't too bad was it? (the mess was bad though...life threatening!)
that night (too long ago), when i walked you home, we were talking and talking but all i could think of really was, "what would i give to just hold your hand one more time..." and what would have happened if i did? well, in the end nothing came out of it -- i said bye and took a taxi home, happy that i had even the chance to think that thought.
today was a particularly bad day, but it was tempered by the residual happiness from last night (and of course also tempered by yun who brightens anyone's day) and that more or less dragged me through the doldrums of work until i could finally blog again.
i hope you passed by the river today, cos some little pieces of my heart are still scattered there on the bridge. maybe you'd find them.
of course, don't think too much about it. i won't either. :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
love song for ourselves
so we learn to breathe cos it's hard to see
the world from beneath our mother's skin
and we learned to cry when we waved goodbye
and opened up our eyes to live, to die
and we learn to dance so when we're on the ground
it doesn't have to look like we have fallen down
and we learn to dream cos that's the only way
to make the world seem better than it seems today
and we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
and we learn to lie cos the truth takes sides
and words are the safest places to hide
and we learn to leap before we start looking
cos life's too deep and getting deeper by the second
but i think we'll be ok cos it's a lovely lovely day
cos we've learned to live between the lines that they have written
even though we hardly rhyme but we're poetry in motion
and we learn to love love love is what we're made of
all this time that we are given is our chance to make a difference
do i make a difference to you?
and we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
the world from beneath our mother's skin
and we learned to cry when we waved goodbye
and opened up our eyes to live, to die
and we learn to dance so when we're on the ground
it doesn't have to look like we have fallen down
and we learn to dream cos that's the only way
to make the world seem better than it seems today
and we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
and we learn to lie cos the truth takes sides
and words are the safest places to hide
and we learn to leap before we start looking
cos life's too deep and getting deeper by the second
but i think we'll be ok cos it's a lovely lovely day
cos we've learned to live between the lines that they have written
even though we hardly rhyme but we're poetry in motion
and we learn to love love love is what we're made of
all this time that we are given is our chance to make a difference
do i make a difference to you?
and we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
we've grown so beautiful
Saturday, March 21, 2009
fortune teller
dreamt of her yesterday. i was sitting with someone else, and she came and sat down, showed me something, and put her hand on mine. and i was happy, and contented. sometimes in dreams, certain things are forgotten, and certain things are possible.
Friday, March 20, 2009
recording this song over and over again for almost 30 times has definitely diluted its emotional baggage, and allowed me to treat it as just another one of my songs instead of something that constantly reminds me of how happy and how silly i was back then.
i was so unsatisfied with the first post of this song that i had to go home and re-sing it! much better now!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
yesterday, still high from my first "published" song, i decided to do a second recording, this time for my Starbucks Song. didn't work out. voice too loud, music too soft. i have decided that a personal studio is in order, complete with a mike for my face and a mike for my guitar. currently i'm practically flattening my head on my guitar just to get both the instrumental and vocals in! very pathetic.
and i need voice lessons, and guitar lessons. suddenly my life has meaning! anyone wants to form a band with me? preferably proficient in tambourines, triangles and beatboxing.
and i need voice lessons, and guitar lessons. suddenly my life has meaning! anyone wants to form a band with me? preferably proficient in tambourines, triangles and beatboxing.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i scream in hawaii
i wish i didn't try so hard to forget. but then again i think i had to, for the sake of my sanity and my ability to continue functioning as a productive human being.
years later, i would see the words "elope", "ice-cream" and "hawaii" in the same sentence once again, and suddenly have a strange feeling come over me, enough to make me pretty certain that you were referring to me. honestly, i can't for the life of me remember anything about this conversation, apart from that same warm feeling i've come to associate with all those other memories with you.
...part of me still wishes that i can still make good on that promise so long ago.
years later, i would see the words "elope", "ice-cream" and "hawaii" in the same sentence once again, and suddenly have a strange feeling come over me, enough to make me pretty certain that you were referring to me. honestly, i can't for the life of me remember anything about this conversation, apart from that same warm feeling i've come to associate with all those other memories with you.
...part of me still wishes that i can still make good on that promise so long ago.
Monday, March 16, 2009
never be too far from me
really glad i wrote this song for myself, and not for anyone else because fact is, people come and go and i am the only one in this world (in this world.) who can safely tell myself, "i will love you and care for you for as long as i/you live."
that's why it doesn't hurt anymore.
and to those of you who like the song, or even those of you who just don't mind it, damn that makes me happy.
if i knew how to dance, i would.
that's why it doesn't hurt anymore.
and to those of you who like the song, or even those of you who just don't mind it, damn that makes me happy.
if i knew how to dance, i would.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
went wakeboarding today! ok i am never going back to cable skiing man. no way.
so it was awesome, even though half the time i was wakeboarding in the rain. it was raining so bad that it actually felt painful. but anyhow, the instructor was nice and i learned new things today! and apparently i did a jump without knowing it, cos, well, err...i didn't know i did it.
now i can cross in and out of the wake pretty fast and next time i'm totally going to do real jumps! except i must get my pay first. absolutely broke.
so it was awesome, even though half the time i was wakeboarding in the rain. it was raining so bad that it actually felt painful. but anyhow, the instructor was nice and i learned new things today! and apparently i did a jump without knowing it, cos, well, err...i didn't know i did it.
now i can cross in and out of the wake pretty fast and next time i'm totally going to do real jumps! except i must get my pay first. absolutely broke.
so today, damn moody. and for what reason i don't know! of course, squash never fails to lift my spirits, though i'd have been happier had CIRCUMSTANCES not drastically shortened my squash time.
so i've been moody before, certainly, but not for years have i been wanting to snap at anything that moves. of course, being the annoyingly mild person that i am, nothing came out of it (thankfully) and i managed to suck it up all the way till squash, whereupon i channeled all my emotions onto a poor little black ball.
so i've been moody before, certainly, but not for years have i been wanting to snap at anything that moves. of course, being the annoyingly mild person that i am, nothing came out of it (thankfully) and i managed to suck it up all the way till squash, whereupon i channeled all my emotions onto a poor little black ball.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
happy?
1. i think it's quite alright to be happy like this. no expectations, no idle hopes, just a pretty satisfying sense of contentment with the way things are.
2. faye you very soggy piece of blanket. i was so looking forward!
3. wenjie you too. even though it's primarily faye's fault. now we have to wait till next week AGAIN...
4. trading switzerland for portugal/morocco. it's a deal! now all i have to do is to break the news gently to Pisit.
5. after so much talk, i still haven't played tennis! somebody play with me!
2. faye you very soggy piece of blanket. i was so looking forward!
3. wenjie you too. even though it's primarily faye's fault. now we have to wait till next week AGAIN...
4. trading switzerland for portugal/morocco. it's a deal! now all i have to do is to break the news gently to Pisit.
5. after so much talk, i still haven't played tennis! somebody play with me!
Monday, March 09, 2009
if you let me....
ever since a year ago, my songs have been decidedly more happy. i don't know if it's because of the singers i listen to, or my outlook on life, or circumstances, but that's how it is.
so for my first post-break-up song, i thought i'd write some happy words, with a happy tune, to remind myself of every single friend who was that person to me.
and then slowly i realized that maybe i was writing about myself too...?
you know how there are always one or two people in our lives who always seem to be there when we are in trouble, or when there's a big temporary void in our lives that need to be filled. and because they are there, we let them fill the void... all the way until we find what we were looking for again. then we let them go, till the next void comes along.
and sometimes we find ourselves being that person. which is ok.
ever since a year ago, my songs have been decidedly more happy. i don't know if it's because of the singers i listen to, or my outlook on life, or circumstances, but that's how it is.
so for my first post-break-up song, i thought i'd write some happy words, with a happy tune, to remind myself of every single friend who was that person to me.
and then slowly i realized that maybe i was writing about myself too...?
you know how there are always one or two people in our lives who always seem to be there when we are in trouble, or when there's a big temporary void in our lives that need to be filled. and because they are there, we let them fill the void... all the way until we find what we were looking for again. then we let them go, till the next void comes along.
and sometimes we find ourselves being that person. which is ok.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
sporty afternoon
1. poor faith... so sad to see her cry.
2. ppcc has the cutest kids ever!
3. auntie phyllis rawks. i am impressed. in fact all the aunties also.
4. i realized i don't know how to spell a lot of your names. esp the kids.
5. why yashi's dad never come today??? sad!
2. ppcc has the cutest kids ever!
3. auntie phyllis rawks. i am impressed. in fact all the aunties also.
4. i realized i don't know how to spell a lot of your names. esp the kids.
5. why yashi's dad never come today??? sad!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
it really makes me ache sometimes when i realize how much love she can give to someone else barely a month after.
these days, when i remember those times we had together, it takes a lot to convince myself that there was something special between us, once. more often than not, i end up suspecting that there was really nothing much there at all.
and perhaps it's better that way.
these days, when i remember those times we had together, it takes a lot to convince myself that there was something special between us, once. more often than not, i end up suspecting that there was really nothing much there at all.
and perhaps it's better that way.
Låt den rätte komma in
haha...hope you enjoyed it as much as i did! sorry about marley and me but i would watch adolescent foreign vampy puppy love story anytime man. really really loved the film. so raw, so much subtle emotion, coming from actors barely over 10 years old. the girl was especially amazing. i could really imagine her being 12 years old, yet 12 years old for a long long time.
what struck me most about the film though was actually the old guy who was eli's guardian, who exuded so much stoical and self sacrificial love for eli that i am convinced he's another previous Oskar, all grown up. so sad, and so sweet, how he gives his life to her as his last act of love, knowing that he had rendered himself useless otherwise.
oh and the 2.5 hour wait for the movie.... wow. just when i thought you couldn't possibly accomplish another one of your feats. you surprise me all the time.
i loved the title. let the right one in. totally.
Friday, March 06, 2009
if you let me
don't you cry baby
cos it's a brand new day
so please don't ruin it for everyone
by letting it rain
but if you find it too hard
to put a smile on your face
why don't you come on over
cos i'll be making your day
if you let me
i will make you glow
if you let me
these hands are for you to hold
if you let me
i won't let you go
and it don't matter where you are
i'll never ever be too far
please go easy on sorrow
there no time to lose
we've got so much to see tomorrow
let's just put on our shoes
and leave those memories behind
though he's got somebody new
but there's no reason to be down
cos i'll be hangin' with you
if you let me
i will make you glow
if you let me
these hands are for you to hold
if you let me
i won't let you go
and it don't matter where you are
i'll never ever be too far
and i will make your day
if you let me stay
i will help you take
those tears away
i'll accompany you
for two's company
and we will be ok
cos nothing's in our way
we'll stay this way
forever and a day
we'll be ok
and nothing's gonna change
we'll be
ok :)
cos it's a brand new day
so please don't ruin it for everyone
by letting it rain
but if you find it too hard
to put a smile on your face
why don't you come on over
cos i'll be making your day
if you let me
i will make you glow
if you let me
these hands are for you to hold
if you let me
i won't let you go
and it don't matter where you are
i'll never ever be too far
please go easy on sorrow
there no time to lose
we've got so much to see tomorrow
let's just put on our shoes
and leave those memories behind
though he's got somebody new
but there's no reason to be down
cos i'll be hangin' with you
if you let me
i will make you glow
if you let me
these hands are for you to hold
if you let me
i won't let you go
and it don't matter where you are
i'll never ever be too far
and i will make your day
if you let me stay
i will help you take
those tears away
i'll accompany you
for two's company
and we will be ok
cos nothing's in our way
we'll stay this way
forever and a day
we'll be ok
and nothing's gonna change
we'll be
ok :)
Thursday, March 05, 2009
talked to c again yesterday. it's a strange feeling, when after a long period of hostility/awkwardness/avoidance, two people decide that hey, it's possible to be friends again. reminds me of how i became friends with kay again... it's like, we know almost everything there is to know about each other -- our faults, our strengths, our quirks -- but there's no emotional baggage, no expectations, just simple friendship. at least that's how it is on the surface... i don't know how she feels about all this cos i'm still banned from her blog, but it does seem to me like everything's fine now. :)
and it makes me very happy because in my whole life, she's the person (besides my family) that i have shared the most with, and we've been through so many ups and downs that everything else seems rather tame in comparison.
oh well. don't know what i'm really trying to say but i guess life is wonderful like that -- you never know what to expect! things happen and sometimes all we can do is hang on and see where the current takes us.
and it makes me very happy because in my whole life, she's the person (besides my family) that i have shared the most with, and we've been through so many ups and downs that everything else seems rather tame in comparison.
oh well. don't know what i'm really trying to say but i guess life is wonderful like that -- you never know what to expect! things happen and sometimes all we can do is hang on and see where the current takes us.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
lyphe eace byuteaphul
wahhhh ham chim peng! delicious! cake! delicious!
so anyway faye you better come for badminton next week or i'm totally going to squeeze ahead of you into angela's good books! muahahaha. today was great. lots of people. discovered that arissa has shuttlophobia. or anymoderatelyfastmovingobjectophobia. how did you ever become a state tennis player??? you have my sympathies man. but still, well done!
spent half an hour waiting for a cab tonight after badminton. wait until my shirt dry.
talking about waiting...
can't wait for poker, can't wait for squash, can't wait for wakeboarding (the closest thing to snowboarding now i guess)! ok i'm sure i've blogged about this before but it seems like whenever i'm excited about something (anything at all), it always never happens. like snowboarding in switzerland, for example. or like living happily ever after with k/c/e.
but somehow, i can't stop myself from being excited about things. i mean, all the joy you get from the anticipation and the tingly feelings etc is real isn't it? no amount of subsequent disappointment should discount that fact. i think hope is a wonderful, magical thing, no matter if anything comes out of it!
anyone watched life is beautiful? it made me cry.
talking about movies, keppel should totally screen movies at night. welfare do your job!
so anyway faye you better come for badminton next week or i'm totally going to squeeze ahead of you into angela's good books! muahahaha. today was great. lots of people. discovered that arissa has shuttlophobia. or anymoderatelyfastmovingobjectophobia. how did you ever become a state tennis player??? you have my sympathies man. but still, well done!
spent half an hour waiting for a cab tonight after badminton. wait until my shirt dry.
talking about waiting...
can't wait for poker, can't wait for squash, can't wait for wakeboarding (the closest thing to snowboarding now i guess)! ok i'm sure i've blogged about this before but it seems like whenever i'm excited about something (anything at all), it always never happens. like snowboarding in switzerland, for example. or like living happily ever after with k/c/e.
but somehow, i can't stop myself from being excited about things. i mean, all the joy you get from the anticipation and the tingly feelings etc is real isn't it? no amount of subsequent disappointment should discount that fact. i think hope is a wonderful, magical thing, no matter if anything comes out of it!
anyone watched life is beautiful? it made me cry.
talking about movies, keppel should totally screen movies at night. welfare do your job!
supernuf
anyone watched heroes? children, please do not try this at home.
so. after a torturous badminton session, i trudged over to where winson was getting his pocari sweat from the vending machine. was rather taken aback when he exclaimed that the drink was hot, and proceeded to demonstrate its hotness by applying the can onto my arm.
it hurt. and being the ri gep that i am, i went on to get my lemon tea from exactly the same vending machine. bad idea! not that it didn't taste good (it was actually quite nice!), but because it tasted just like "great hot", which still holds for me rather too many difficult memories...
silly right? right. sometimes the mind dwells on these things just for kicks, when even the heart has had enough.
Monday, March 02, 2009
holidaying in singapore!
two happy vagrants
bliss.
cooking oil has rights too!bits and pieces from my non-trip to malacca. so fun! and i'm sure viya enjoyed the wonderful company :) we're so awesome right. oh, and look here for detailed updates on the rest of saturday afternoon!
ok that's all for now, stay tuned for exciting acrobatics in my next blog!
Sunday, March 01, 2009
saturday part 2
so the rest of the saturday consisted of:
1. minigolf (again, but with improved score)
2. supermarket sweep at parkway parade
3. 2nd picnic at barrage, which was much more photo-worthy this time
4. watching vicky christina barcelona at the screening room (no sound for the first 30 seconds. thought the film was trying to be artistic, then had my hopes dashed when they stopped the dvd and started over)
5. debating on the next program of the night -- (a) ktv (b) yangtze (c) thunder. chose (a) obviously.
6. singing myself hoarse, then drove everybody home, before staying over at shuyun's place cos it was near to church (this spilled over to sunday)
watching V.C.B. was quite interesting for me. to me, it was about being an artist; about how your innermost character doesn't change no matter what; about letting yourself love without protecting yourself; about beautiful transient dreams.
at night, while trying to download the weekend photos into shuyun's computer, i realized that my camera still contained all my taiwan photos. realized too that after all this time, i still cannot bear to look at the pictures. i don't want to remember taiwan, because amidst those beautiful memories are a little too many of those small painful ones that i had earlier chosen to ignore because i was in love, and i had thought she was too.
i want to remember this saturday though.
1. minigolf (again, but with improved score)
2. supermarket sweep at parkway parade
3. 2nd picnic at barrage, which was much more photo-worthy this time
4. watching vicky christina barcelona at the screening room (no sound for the first 30 seconds. thought the film was trying to be artistic, then had my hopes dashed when they stopped the dvd and started over)
5. debating on the next program of the night -- (a) ktv (b) yangtze (c) thunder. chose (a) obviously.
6. singing myself hoarse, then drove everybody home, before staying over at shuyun's place cos it was near to church (this spilled over to sunday)
watching V.C.B. was quite interesting for me. to me, it was about being an artist; about how your innermost character doesn't change no matter what; about letting yourself love without protecting yourself; about beautiful transient dreams.
at night, while trying to download the weekend photos into shuyun's computer, i realized that my camera still contained all my taiwan photos. realized too that after all this time, i still cannot bear to look at the pictures. i don't want to remember taiwan, because amidst those beautiful memories are a little too many of those small painful ones that i had earlier chosen to ignore because i was in love, and i had thought she was too.
i want to remember this saturday though.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
going to malacca!
today's adventure (written at jurong east national library):
1. woke up super early to meet shuyun and friends at jln sultan for my trip to malacca.
2. contemplated taking bus 80 (40min) since i was super early
3. decided to take taxi (lazy) so ended up playing guitar and half-blogging
4. realized i had not much time left, so ran downstairs, where i was hijacked by mum and dad to eat my breakfast. mum volunteered to send me to the departure place
5. finished breakfast, had 5 min to get from paya lebar to bugis
6. listened to mum in the car telling me what kinds of gfs to avoid (and omg my mum was like, how about [ ]? she's quite nice wat! ......)
7. arrived late, inevitably
8. realized that shuyun's friend viya (taiwanese) didn't have a malaysian visa, and hence probably could not get into malaysia
9. reached woodlands checkpoint, got rejected. shuyun and i decided to stay with viya and try tuas checkpoint, as suggested by some young smart-aleccy officer
10. took taxi to tuas checkpoint. taxi driver's last name was neubronner. damn cool. ancesters buried in malacca (some red cathedral thingy) omg how ironic.
11. reached tuas checkpoint, talked to this fat officer guy who didn't know what the hell was going on so transferred us to another guy who...also...didn't know anything. no lah he kinda did. suggested that we go to jurong east and take some cw3 bus to malaysia and get the visa there. huh?
12. contemplated calling a cab to get to jurong east...and a cab showed up! yay. just like at marina barrage. shuyun thinks it's a me and her thing, but no. it's just me.
13. shuyun calls her dad, who asks her to bribe a malaysian officer. aiyah so easy right? just bribe lah! 100RM only wat.....
14. thought to myself that shuyun can go to jail for all i care. i want to go homeeee!!!!
15. ok so. tried to find another way by checking internet on my 3g phone. finally the 3g useful for once. BUT. didn't know how to input chinese. no choice, have to go to jurong east nat library to check internet.
16. reached JENLB. cannot find computer with internet.
17. searched all over, found computer.
18. not registered, cannot log in.
19. registered myself.
20. cannot get in cos pre-paid account no money.
21. went to library e-kiosk to top up.
22. found out i had a 90c fine! wow. if not i'd have died cheating singapore government of money! cool sia... but no choice now have to pay. nvm next time i cheat again.
23. paid. yay we can get onto internet now!
24. got on IE, searched for half an hour, cannot find anything. have to go KL airport to get visa! woohoo.
25. keeve tells shuyun don't bribe lah, not worth the risk. wait the immigration officer go to jail so sayang.
26. SIGH.
27. called SIR, called SAFRA, no luck.
28. decided to give up and blog about my half-day adventure!
ok that's all for now.... where to next??
alright folks sit tight and tune in to the next instalment of canuf's exciting saturday.
1. woke up super early to meet shuyun and friends at jln sultan for my trip to malacca.
2. contemplated taking bus 80 (40min) since i was super early
3. decided to take taxi (lazy) so ended up playing guitar and half-blogging
4. realized i had not much time left, so ran downstairs, where i was hijacked by mum and dad to eat my breakfast. mum volunteered to send me to the departure place
5. finished breakfast, had 5 min to get from paya lebar to bugis
6. listened to mum in the car telling me what kinds of gfs to avoid (and omg my mum was like, how about [ ]? she's quite nice wat! ......)
7. arrived late, inevitably
8. realized that shuyun's friend viya (taiwanese) didn't have a malaysian visa, and hence probably could not get into malaysia
9. reached woodlands checkpoint, got rejected. shuyun and i decided to stay with viya and try tuas checkpoint, as suggested by some young smart-aleccy officer
10. took taxi to tuas checkpoint. taxi driver's last name was neubronner. damn cool. ancesters buried in malacca (some red cathedral thingy) omg how ironic.
11. reached tuas checkpoint, talked to this fat officer guy who didn't know what the hell was going on so transferred us to another guy who...also...didn't know anything. no lah he kinda did. suggested that we go to jurong east and take some cw3 bus to malaysia and get the visa there. huh?
12. contemplated calling a cab to get to jurong east...and a cab showed up! yay. just like at marina barrage. shuyun thinks it's a me and her thing, but no. it's just me.
13. shuyun calls her dad, who asks her to bribe a malaysian officer. aiyah so easy right? just bribe lah! 100RM only wat.....
14. thought to myself that shuyun can go to jail for all i care. i want to go homeeee!!!!
15. ok so. tried to find another way by checking internet on my 3g phone. finally the 3g useful for once. BUT. didn't know how to input chinese. no choice, have to go to jurong east nat library to check internet.
16. reached JENLB. cannot find computer with internet.
17. searched all over, found computer.
18. not registered, cannot log in.
19. registered myself.
20. cannot get in cos pre-paid account no money.
21. went to library e-kiosk to top up.
22. found out i had a 90c fine! wow. if not i'd have died cheating singapore government of money! cool sia... but no choice now have to pay. nvm next time i cheat again.
23. paid. yay we can get onto internet now!
24. got on IE, searched for half an hour, cannot find anything. have to go KL airport to get visa! woohoo.
25. keeve tells shuyun don't bribe lah, not worth the risk. wait the immigration officer go to jail so sayang.
26. SIGH.
27. called SIR, called SAFRA, no luck.
28. decided to give up and blog about my half-day adventure!
ok that's all for now.... where to next??
alright folks sit tight and tune in to the next instalment of canuf's exciting saturday.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
today i surprised myself by going for drinks at loof. i never do that. what's up man.
kinda self conscious after i reached home because i have no idea how to be a good drinking companion. and my brain is always trying so hard NOT to be drunk that i can never get high. had a kilkenny and a lychee martini, and decided that from now on i will stick to stella, hoegaarden and tsingtao. no kilkenny for me! although the lychee martini made me happy (cos of the lychee).
kinda self conscious after i reached home because i have no idea how to be a good drinking companion. and my brain is always trying so hard NOT to be drunk that i can never get high. had a kilkenny and a lychee martini, and decided that from now on i will stick to stella, hoegaarden and tsingtao. no kilkenny for me! although the lychee martini made me happy (cos of the lychee).
got a good reminder today about how sometimes it's so pointless to try and be in control of our lives, because we have a God who is greater than all that, who gives, and takes away. but also a God who, above all that, knows us and loves us more than anyone else can.
and i know now what has been missing from my life, and how God had to take away something i treasured so much to make me realize there was something so much better.
in other news, i think i did pretty well at badminton today considering how sore i was from yesterday's session at church. managed to hold off tianli almost all the way, before he beat me 15-13. happy! of course it was half-court lah -- full court and i'd have just died.
and faye is now officially my no. 1 badminton partner. eh dun say i never give you recognition ok. these things are not easy to achieve!
and i know now what has been missing from my life, and how God had to take away something i treasured so much to make me realize there was something so much better.
in other news, i think i did pretty well at badminton today considering how sore i was from yesterday's session at church. managed to hold off tianli almost all the way, before he beat me 15-13. happy! of course it was half-court lah -- full court and i'd have just died.
and faye is now officially my no. 1 badminton partner. eh dun say i never give you recognition ok. these things are not easy to achieve!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
moses made it to the promised land!
went to church today. my church. it took me a really long time to convince myself, but after returning to church for the first time in like i dunno, a year? i realized that this was where i felt at home. quite funny that probably 90% of the people at church who know me still think i'm with c -- luckily i didn't need to field any awkward questions cos i wouldn't have known what to say at all!
today's message almost made me cry. it was that good.
and totally unexpected -- on my first day back at church, they had badminton! i am so going to play badminton every sunday from now on. just have to find something to do from 1pm to 4pm...
today's message almost made me cry. it was that good.
and totally unexpected -- on my first day back at church, they had badminton! i am so going to play badminton every sunday from now on. just have to find something to do from 1pm to 4pm...
Friday, February 20, 2009
small comforts
really tired. everyone thinks that i'm drowning myself in work to escape from my sadness, but really, i can't help it. this week has been ridic. now it's past 12 and i'm still stuck at office and i can't leave office cos i'm uploading a huge file to an ftp site and it's taking forever.
gosh. i need a break man.
faye why today you not in office to pei2 me?
oh and i missed both lunch and dinner, and i think the only reason why i'm still typing right now is that my adrenaline hasn't subsided yet. i can just smell the gastric waiting to happen...
an hour ago, in the midst of extreme kancheongness, i suddenly thought of adelaide, and great ocean road, and penguins, and mt buller. and for a moment, a little "what if" stuck its neck out from the corner of my head.
those were good times.
gosh. i need a break man.
faye why today you not in office to pei2 me?
oh and i missed both lunch and dinner, and i think the only reason why i'm still typing right now is that my adrenaline hasn't subsided yet. i can just smell the gastric waiting to happen...
an hour ago, in the midst of extreme kancheongness, i suddenly thought of adelaide, and great ocean road, and penguins, and mt buller. and for a moment, a little "what if" stuck its neck out from the corner of my head.
those were good times.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
had a horrid day at work, made s wait for 45 min, threw everything down and went on a food shopping spree, took a taxi to marina barrage, climbed up the huge slope, had a wonderful picnic, released a styrofoam box into the wind, released other things into the wind, got reminded of my inadequacy in bowling, almost couldn't go home, thanked God that taxi drivers need to pee, needed to pee too, said bye, went home.
happy. :)
happy. :)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
dreams
yesterday night, i discovered that i was still wearing my ring. today, i found myself mildly bothered by the unfamiliar feeling on my finger, where it had once been.
but every day gets a little better. more and more, i realize that i have been trying to derive happiness out of loving someone, so much so that i forgot how important it was to be loved too. i think what i have to accept is that no matter how nice it was at the beginning, it was still a mistake. yes, i was happy, but that's often how it is with the mistakes we make in life right? we get happy for awhile, and then we realize just how silly we were.
the funny thing is i've always thought of this relationship as a dream. and it really was, wasn't it? thing about most dreams is that waking up is often a slow and painful process, and it really was too. but ultimately, i'm glad i woke up because it's a brand new day and outside, the sun is shining.
but every day gets a little better. more and more, i realize that i have been trying to derive happiness out of loving someone, so much so that i forgot how important it was to be loved too. i think what i have to accept is that no matter how nice it was at the beginning, it was still a mistake. yes, i was happy, but that's often how it is with the mistakes we make in life right? we get happy for awhile, and then we realize just how silly we were.
the funny thing is i've always thought of this relationship as a dream. and it really was, wasn't it? thing about most dreams is that waking up is often a slow and painful process, and it really was too. but ultimately, i'm glad i woke up because it's a brand new day and outside, the sun is shining.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
best valentine's gift i've ever ever received
ok so i just received a call from the mostest unexpectedest person at this moment. and i can't tell you enough, i really needed this. thank you so much.
i never got a chance to tell you, but when i walked through the gorge with you for that first and last time, with the sun setting behind us, i realized that i was looking at the girl i fell head over heels in love with 3.5 years ago. you looked absolutely beautiful. but my heart was already with someone else, and it pained me so much because you don't know how much i wanted to grab your shoulders and scream, "why? why now? why not half a year ago? why not never?" and you looked beautiful not just because you always do, but because in that instant, i could feel your love for me, the kind of love i had prayed for day after day, year after year.
but then it was too late, because i had already made up my mind and there was no turning back. so i wiped that memory clean off my mind, because i couldn't bear to acknowledge the fact that back in the gorge, you had turned back into the girl i had loved so dearly for as long as i possibly could.
thank you for calling me. who knew that almost a year later, you would come back and wipe away all the heartache, all the sadness that was plaguing my heart?
i never got a chance to tell you, but when i walked through the gorge with you for that first and last time, with the sun setting behind us, i realized that i was looking at the girl i fell head over heels in love with 3.5 years ago. you looked absolutely beautiful. but my heart was already with someone else, and it pained me so much because you don't know how much i wanted to grab your shoulders and scream, "why? why now? why not half a year ago? why not never?" and you looked beautiful not just because you always do, but because in that instant, i could feel your love for me, the kind of love i had prayed for day after day, year after year.
but then it was too late, because i had already made up my mind and there was no turning back. so i wiped that memory clean off my mind, because i couldn't bear to acknowledge the fact that back in the gorge, you had turned back into the girl i had loved so dearly for as long as i possibly could.
thank you for calling me. who knew that almost a year later, you would come back and wipe away all the heartache, all the sadness that was plaguing my heart?
Monday, February 16, 2009
good inertia
my mum tells me that it's often pointless and self destructive to give in to a girl, and that a girl will only respect me if i am assertive and if i don't care too much about her feelings. based purely on my track record, i would have to say that my mum has a strong case, because every single girl i had loved had loved me back intensely for maybe about 6 months to a year, and then taken me for granted for the rest of the relationship. and nothing seems to have worked out.
but i refuse to believe this. although for all three of my relationships i had been heartbroken, i had also been the one who ended all three relationships. because deep inside, i cannot allow myself to be with someone whose idea of love does not align with mine. to me, perfect love is to want, with all your heart, to give whatever you can of yourself to the other person, while knowing that you can take whatever you want from the other person as well, no questions asked. it is way beyond fun, or looks, or sex, or sports, or hobbies, or romance, or butterflies in tummies. because it's the only thing that can sustain us through the darkness that we often find ourselves in, just because we live in this world. and i don't think i want to settle.
so maybe i'll find that girl. maybe it'll be next year, maybe it'll be 20 years from now... or maybe i will end up giving all my love to old folks or little abandoned children... but i refuse to believe that i need to change myself in this respect in order to find someone whom i can love, and who will love me back with all her/their heart.
but i refuse to believe this. although for all three of my relationships i had been heartbroken, i had also been the one who ended all three relationships. because deep inside, i cannot allow myself to be with someone whose idea of love does not align with mine. to me, perfect love is to want, with all your heart, to give whatever you can of yourself to the other person, while knowing that you can take whatever you want from the other person as well, no questions asked. it is way beyond fun, or looks, or sex, or sports, or hobbies, or romance, or butterflies in tummies. because it's the only thing that can sustain us through the darkness that we often find ourselves in, just because we live in this world. and i don't think i want to settle.
so maybe i'll find that girl. maybe it'll be next year, maybe it'll be 20 years from now... or maybe i will end up giving all my love to old folks or little abandoned children... but i refuse to believe that i need to change myself in this respect in order to find someone whom i can love, and who will love me back with all her/their heart.
trimming off
went for a run just now, and got some things cleared up in my head.
gave myself a chance to wonder, what do i really look for in a partner?
and finding the answers gave me some comfort, and helped me walk a little further away.
i also realized that all those times i told myself to let the matter rest cos i didn't want to hurt her, they ended up hurting me so much more than i knew. but i will do it again, and again, until one day i find a girl who understands that giving in isn't a weakness, that it is just love, pure and simple.
and then i'll be able to stop looking :)
gave myself a chance to wonder, what do i really look for in a partner?
and finding the answers gave me some comfort, and helped me walk a little further away.
i also realized that all those times i told myself to let the matter rest cos i didn't want to hurt her, they ended up hurting me so much more than i knew. but i will do it again, and again, until one day i find a girl who understands that giving in isn't a weakness, that it is just love, pure and simple.
and then i'll be able to stop looking :)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
housies
i still remember, when i told w about char last year, he immediately booked me in advance so he could celebrate my bday with me. this time, when he asked me if i wanted to go out on friday, and saturday as well, i guessed straightaway that he knew what had happened. i realize that sometimes you don't have to ask someone what's wrong to be a friend, or to make a person feel better.
but that said, i didn't expect l to ask me if i was ok either. thank God for housemates!
talking about housemates, my life in cornell has been shared with the most awesomest housemates ever. let's see. first it was yc, then yc again with llwq and spk , then w and l and finally lsm and kr. to think that so many people end up with monster roommates and housemates, i'm so thankful that God blessed me with friends who made my college life so much easier, considering the stormy relationships i put myself through. even r, whom i just cannot bring myself to like, did have little bright sparks here and there.
i think the most unlikely friend would have to be lsm. i hadn't known him before, and it was purely out of convenience/necessity that we became housemates. first impression wasn't great either, cos he just seemed quiet and not any fun at all. but i was totally wrong man. turns out he was an ah beng before cornell, and in the 1 short year together, he absolutely changed my impression of ah bengs. of course he was the smart, reformed type lah. not very typical. still, he was probably the most natural, generous, easygoing, mature and caring guy i've ever met. and great sportsman. loved him to bits and totally wanna be like him. i'm so happy that he's attached now, and happy for whoever the girl is!
i just hope that i was an ok housemate too.
but that said, i didn't expect l to ask me if i was ok either. thank God for housemates!
talking about housemates, my life in cornell has been shared with the most awesomest housemates ever. let's see. first it was yc, then yc again with llwq and spk , then w and l and finally lsm and kr. to think that so many people end up with monster roommates and housemates, i'm so thankful that God blessed me with friends who made my college life so much easier, considering the stormy relationships i put myself through. even r, whom i just cannot bring myself to like, did have little bright sparks here and there.
i think the most unlikely friend would have to be lsm. i hadn't known him before, and it was purely out of convenience/necessity that we became housemates. first impression wasn't great either, cos he just seemed quiet and not any fun at all. but i was totally wrong man. turns out he was an ah beng before cornell, and in the 1 short year together, he absolutely changed my impression of ah bengs. of course he was the smart, reformed type lah. not very typical. still, he was probably the most natural, generous, easygoing, mature and caring guy i've ever met. and great sportsman. loved him to bits and totally wanna be like him. i'm so happy that he's attached now, and happy for whoever the girl is!
i just hope that i was an ok housemate too.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
best drink ever...apart from kickapoo and sprite
ribena ice blended with jelly is absolutely beyond description. if it wasn't for the economic crisis, i would have it every day.
yesterday i bought prawn crackers for yy. today i got free prawn crackers from my regular prawn cracker supplier. come on, healthy foods please? but still, awesome man.
the fact that i don't randomly buy food for you is proof that i'm way less awesome, but aiyah forgive me lah i'm a guy.
so i bought new paper and told myself i'll read it on the way home. it's still sitting on my desk, and i believe i will never read it. i have missed the window of opportunity cos i can't make myself read outdated news. oh and since i'm on that topic, my boss thinks it's all of us should be above reading trashy stuff like new paper. i fear i'll never get promoted.
yesterday i bought prawn crackers for yy. today i got free prawn crackers from my regular prawn cracker supplier. come on, healthy foods please? but still, awesome man.
the fact that i don't randomly buy food for you is proof that i'm way less awesome, but aiyah forgive me lah i'm a guy.
so i bought new paper and told myself i'll read it on the way home. it's still sitting on my desk, and i believe i will never read it. i have missed the window of opportunity cos i can't make myself read outdated news. oh and since i'm on that topic, my boss thinks it's all of us should be above reading trashy stuff like new paper. i fear i'll never get promoted.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
buffice
so today i got on the 80, and i came across this stupid/genious bar counter thingy (example above) that seemed really out of place, not to mention rather dangerous. plus a big waste of space. so because it had the only available seat on the bus, i had to take it, and to make SBS feel that their love is not in vain, i whipped out my laptop and started typing. awesome experience. sitting sideways in a moving vehicle + typing furiously on a furiously vibrating laptop. i could feel many eyes on my back. a little boy beside me kept looking over and getting slapped by his mum cos she wanted him to memorize some multiplication table. sorry little boy, next time your mum buy you laptop you can copy me.
so anyway, after the surreal 40 min ride, i left my new buffice feeling wobbly and lightheaded. just as well, cos i've been heavy headed recently.
yy wants me to go and support her at her bowling competition on saturday. i said yes immediately, and it made her very happy. it made me happy too, and thankful, because i have never needed this more. i guess sometimes it takes something drastic to make me realize that here is someone who wants me to love her and whom i have neglected for far too long.
maybe that's why people have children. because God gave us so much love that we need to find a channel to express it. and children are like the default sinks for love.
maybe that's why people have children. because God gave us so much love that we need to find a channel to express it. and children are like the default sinks for love.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
relief... i had never known that this innocent word could result in such excruciating pain.
to j, and to c, i am so sorry. i could hear your hearts break but i chose to put on earmuffs because i was in love... but now i can't shut out that very same sound in my own heart.
my friends have told me, at various times last year, that they had never seen me so happy before. it really was true you know. but now that's no more, and for the first time in my life, i'm left with a horrible, paralyzing fear of ever falling in love again.
to j, and to c, i am so sorry. i could hear your hearts break but i chose to put on earmuffs because i was in love... but now i can't shut out that very same sound in my own heart.
my friends have told me, at various times last year, that they had never seen me so happy before. it really was true you know. but now that's no more, and for the first time in my life, i'm left with a horrible, paralyzing fear of ever falling in love again.
Monday, February 09, 2009
thank you
because you made me move
like the wind across the hills
because you taught me how to smile
when i'd forgotten how to feel
because you showed me i could love
when i had nothing left to lose
because you made me dance
because you made me sing
because you showed me i could live
like the wind across the hills
because you taught me how to smile
when i'd forgotten how to feel
because you showed me i could love
when i had nothing left to lose
because you made me dance
because you made me sing
because you showed me i could live
*hug* "take care ah..."
S, you are really really.... no words to say man. can't tell you in your face cos i'm a guy and guys aren't supposed to be in touch with their feelings, but really, i'm so glad i met you, i'm so glad you remembered me after all these years, and i'm so glad that you're my friend.
the pain hasn't diminished, but but it's tempered by a little measure of happiness.
S, you are really really.... no words to say man. can't tell you in your face cos i'm a guy and guys aren't supposed to be in touch with their feelings, but really, i'm so glad i met you, i'm so glad you remembered me after all these years, and i'm so glad that you're my friend.
the pain hasn't diminished, but but it's tempered by a little measure of happiness.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
this used to be a place that i could pour all my sadness, my insecurities, my frustration, my heartache... because i knew that she hardly read my blog, and i could vent my emotions here without hurting her at all.
but lately, i found it really hard to write down how i feel... because i knew you would visit and i couldn't bear to spoil your day by writing something that might make you unhappy. so very often i would stare at the blank screen for 15 minutes or so, then type out random, neutral bits of irrelevance just to try and take my mind off things. sometimes it worked.
well i guess all these don't matter that much anymore. i hope i did the right thing, because i saw how difficult it was for you to say it to j and i don't want you to have to go through that again.
thank you for every single day. if only i had been good enough, because you're everything i have ever, ever wanted.
even now. i don't know what to do without you but i guess i'll have to try.
but lately, i found it really hard to write down how i feel... because i knew you would visit and i couldn't bear to spoil your day by writing something that might make you unhappy. so very often i would stare at the blank screen for 15 minutes or so, then type out random, neutral bits of irrelevance just to try and take my mind off things. sometimes it worked.
well i guess all these don't matter that much anymore. i hope i did the right thing, because i saw how difficult it was for you to say it to j and i don't want you to have to go through that again.
thank you for every single day. if only i had been good enough, because you're everything i have ever, ever wanted.
even now. i don't know what to do without you but i guess i'll have to try.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
racism
today, on the way to work, i joined about 30 people in the bus being seriously annoyed at an idiot obnoxiously blasting his handphone music for everyone to hear. i am absolutely certain it was on purpose cos it was SERIOUSLY loud. not the forgivable earphone-noise-leak kind of loud but the handphone speaker at full volume kind of loud. and i could have actually ignored it, had he not suddenly decide to play HOKKIEN music. omg. i mean, i have nothing against hokkien music, but not at 8am in the morning!!!
so later in the day, i went for badminton, and i played horribly. i think it's my retrib for thinking murderous thoughts.
so later in the day, i went for badminton, and i played horribly. i think it's my retrib for thinking murderous thoughts.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
ponytail
this morning, while crossing the road to my office, i saw a girl who had an asymmetrical ponytail. it made me think of you, and i was happi.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
don't ask
don't ask me why
i'm sitting here all alone
don't ask me why
i don't pick up the phone
don't ask me why
i don't look so well
don't ask me why
don't ask me why
i'm ten feet off the ground
don't ask me why
i'm dancing like a clown
don't ask me why
you'll never make me tell
don't ask me why
cos you know me too well
don't ask me why
i'm trying so hard
don't ask me if
it's time to give up
don't ask me when
i think it's too late
don't ask me why
and don't tell me that
it's just another day
don't tell me that
it's gonna be ok
don't tell me now
that you'll be on your way
don't tell me now
cos i need you to stay
don't tell me that
i'm in way over my head
don't tell me now
that i should take a rest instead
don't tell me that
i don't have a chance in hell
don't tell me
don't ask me why
i'm standing in the rain
don't ask me if
i still feel any pain
don't ask me why
i don't try to save myself
don't ask me why
cos you know me too well
i'm sitting here all alone
don't ask me why
i don't pick up the phone
don't ask me why
i don't look so well
don't ask me why
don't ask me why
i'm ten feet off the ground
don't ask me why
i'm dancing like a clown
don't ask me why
you'll never make me tell
don't ask me why
cos you know me too well
don't ask me why
i'm trying so hard
don't ask me if
it's time to give up
don't ask me when
i think it's too late
don't ask me why
and don't tell me that
it's just another day
don't tell me that
it's gonna be ok
don't tell me now
that you'll be on your way
don't tell me now
cos i need you to stay
don't tell me that
i'm in way over my head
don't tell me now
that i should take a rest instead
don't tell me that
i don't have a chance in hell
don't tell me
don't ask me why
i'm standing in the rain
don't ask me if
i still feel any pain
don't ask me why
i don't try to save myself
don't ask me why
cos you know me too well
Saturday, January 24, 2009
the price of happiness
it's actually very easy to forget things and be happy. but sometimes i'd much rather bear with the ache, because i've experienced how allowing myself to smile and forget meant allowing a little part of me to die off, each time.
Friday, January 23, 2009
the meaning of death
just talking to my china colleague about death yesterday. his friend recently died in a car accident and my friend recently took his own life so we had that little connection there, in the car, as it sped alone towards beijing international airport.
we rued the fragility of life and the wasted opportunities, but in the end we both realized that no matter how senseless those deaths were, they both sent a little ripple through the lives of families and friends. even if for a short time, we are all a little more careful with our own emotions, a little more grateful for our loved ones, and a little more concerned about the problems our friends are going through.
God, thank you for loving me, and thank you for all the people who love me.
we rued the fragility of life and the wasted opportunities, but in the end we both realized that no matter how senseless those deaths were, they both sent a little ripple through the lives of families and friends. even if for a short time, we are all a little more careful with our own emotions, a little more grateful for our loved ones, and a little more concerned about the problems our friends are going through.
God, thank you for loving me, and thank you for all the people who love me.
Monday, January 19, 2009
hiatus
now that the reason for my hiatus from blogging is back in sunny ithaca, i ought to be happily blogging away. but then it just seems like there's nothing to blog about! kind of ironic that when all these wonderful things are happening in my life, i'm so caught up in it that i forget to record them down... and now the memories are like little starburst babies in my mind, slowly dissolving away.
though they do leave a wonderful aftertaste :)
though they do leave a wonderful aftertaste :)
Friday, January 02, 2009
taipei!
I'm off to Taipei. We're leaving early tomorrow morning and returning on the 6th. I think I should have taken more days off. Why did I not?! -face palm-
Just had bad tiramisu and mango ice kachang and a breezy drive. YY is peering over my shoulder. She is commenting that "tiramisu" is spelled wrongly because it has a red line underneath. But I realise that it's because Mr Check Spelling puts tiramisu one level higher than I do, because he spells it with a capital T: Tiramisu.
Happi Noo Ear Everybuddy!
"In Maplestory, there is a character called N o o N oo. And it is very hard to kill and comes out during Christmastime." - YY the genius
i just had an epiphany. my mogu dog is actually a mogu hippo. i am very sad.
Just had bad tiramisu and mango ice kachang and a breezy drive. YY is peering over my shoulder. She is commenting that "tiramisu" is spelled wrongly because it has a red line underneath. But I realise that it's because Mr Check Spelling puts tiramisu one level higher than I do, because he spells it with a capital T: Tiramisu.
Happi Noo Ear Everybuddy!
"In Maplestory, there is a character called N o o N oo. And it is very hard to kill and comes out during Christmastime." - YY the genius
i just had an epiphany. my mogu dog is actually a mogu hippo. i am very sad.
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