singing a song

i've spent the last week trying to perfect the song i just wrote (well i wrote it some time ago, but without the melody)... changing bits and pieces of the lyrics, trying to squeeze in some nice turns of melody into the chorus, etc etc... playing it over and over and over again. of course i make sure i didn't play it too loud in case my neighbour thinks i only know one lousy song and and i'm trying to show her i can play CFGCFG on the guitar 500 times in 1 hour.

suddenly i start wondering, why do i keep playing this song? don't people get tired of songs after awhile? so i sit here and actually stare at the wall for awhile, trying to determine if i'm actually narsicisstically basking in my songwriting "skills", or if there's some other weird reason for my obsession. then it hit me. everytime i play the song, i think of you. i was like, are you sure.... they only do that in movies lor. but really, it's true. everytime i sing, when i reach the part that says "even if it seems/like i'm too far away/to make any kind of difference", you pop into my head. and at "someone wants to warm us/when we're feeling cold", again. i think it'll be different if i sing it to you though, cos then it becomes a performance. here, alone in my little room, i can actually say the words to you, knowing that they'll fly halfway around the world into your subconscious, and infect you with some mysterious joy that you can't put a finger to. here in my room i can close my eyes and mean every single word.

i wish you're thinking of me now. i feel like i'm actually writing this -- saying this to you even though you're probably going to be the last one to read this... not your fault of course, i know exams are coming and all that -- but yah, here, without having to look you in the eyes, i feel i can pour out my heart to you and yet be sure that you won't just laugh it off in your typical embarrassed manner, as if you can't believe that i love you so much.

i can't wait to kiss you again. seriously. i see so many people kissing on tv but i know we kiss so much better than any of them! crossing my fingers that this thought applies to you too.

so, back to my song. i guess when i finally get to see you again, i'll finally get to stop playing it :)