this used to be a place that i could pour all my sadness, my insecurities, my frustration, my heartache... because i knew that she hardly read my blog, and i could vent my emotions here without hurting her at all.

but lately, i found it really hard to write down how i feel... because i knew you would visit and i couldn't bear to spoil your day by writing something that might make you unhappy. so very often i would stare at the blank screen for 15 minutes or so, then type out random, neutral bits of irrelevance just to try and take my mind off things. sometimes it worked.

well i guess all these don't matter that much anymore. i hope i did the right thing, because i saw how difficult it was for you to say it to j and i don't want you to have to go through that again.

thank you for every single day. if only i had been good enough, because you're everything i have ever, ever wanted.

even now. i don't know what to do without you but i guess i'll have to try.