semi-wrote a song a few days ago, and i actually forgot about it!

here's a bit of the lyrics:

i pour my heart to you
not all of it that's true
but i know
that you will hear me still

i cry out when i'm down
when the carriage runs aground
cos i know
i'm never far from you

and so on.... haven't finished it yet, but i just wanna post it in case i forget again. it's about my relationship with Jesus. how i try to be a good Christian, but end up always holding back in my faith and praying only when i'm in trouble. and it's also going to be about how He never fails to pour His love back onto me no matter how disappointing i am.

how often can we say that about ourselves? how often do we take all the injustice/unfairness/anger/spite/etc thrown at us and turn them around into love and patience? i can't honestly i've achieved that, though i profess to be trying.


on a side note, someone chanced upon my site when he/she typed on Yahoo: how turtles mate. sorry buddy for misleading you... ka4 sa la already man. this is not nationalgeographic.com or discovery channel. it's canuf.blogspot.com which has no affinity to mating turtles whatsoever.... ok except in one random post lah. hope you enjoyed it tho, whoever you are. :)


we all wish for people to say nice things to us... to be sweet, sincere, kind... so do I. especially from the people who occupy the biggest spaces in my heart. the larger the jar, the more it shatters right?

friends know not to cross certain lines. you can't go around shouting at your friends, cos what if they don't friend you right? but it's often different for those you love, and whom you know love you as well... that's why we shout at our parents, our siblings, our loved ones, cos we know that they are always going to be there, that they won't just throw in the towel and leave the ring. but why tempt love? why test its resilience? why assume that love can endure all sorts of abuse?

i don't know. all i know is that love is like the human spirit -- it can get run over again and again, but always with the assurance that it would stand up wobbling and say, "was that... the b-best... you could do?"

please don't hit me again.


on another note, it's countdown time!!!! 2 weeks and 3 days before i get to see my darling again... everyone here knows that i can't wait for that day to come, and it's TRUE! despite the horrible prospect of finals and gradnight preparations and stuff.... there's always that faint light at the end of the tunnel that's growing brighter and brighter each day! let's hope that it's the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel and not the light-of-the-approaching-train. ok that was gross. anyway, i'm already suffering from withdrawal symptoms, like the need to keep posting pictures of you on my blog just so i can get reminded. sorry hor. can't help it! :) thanks for being understanding when i'm feeling down, and for being there for me to turn to when i don't know where else to turn. and for always smiling in photographs. :D

come-to-china! advert #1947356

ok i know i shouldn't be doing this, but i just finished this super long essay in preparation for my final paper tomorrow, and i REALLY cannot take it liao. need some avenue to let out my pent up frustrations and all my writing energy.

first, in response to queries about the pointlessness of my last blog, i'd like to say that the phrase was conceived in all seriousness. it was supposed to mean that the more messed up you perceive your life to be, the less you can handle. hence the overturned bowl that can't hold water; the torn up sponge that can't hold water; the bucket shot full of bullet holes that can't hold water; the clogged up toilet bowl that can't hold water... you get the idea. :)

from those infinite possibilities, i chose one that sounded the most philosophical, as well as one that transcended all cultures, race and nationalities (blah blah blah). but just before i began to explain the root of that phrase, i realized that i didn't want to start ranting about my problems again lest my blog degenerated once more into a rut of depression. I then decided to cloak the real meaning of the phrase behind a veil of whimsical musings, in the hope that discerning readers can just make out the poor distressed writer crying out for help.

alas, that was not to be.


.... well, the point is, it doesn't really matter what the logic was behind

"an overturned bowl holds no water".

what it did was to offer me, through writing, a release from my worries, my stress, and my potential sadness that thankfully did not manifest itself. and i would like to encourage anyone reading this that if you make life out to be happy, funny and joyous, it will be. Life is not doled out to us like rationed bread, it is whatever we want it to be. if you're a writer, keep writing. if you're an artist, keep drawing. but always resist pulling depression into your words or your paintbrush, because it will only drag you down and make your real world as dark as the one you're creating.


wah. CANUF is on a roll today.


anywayssssss.... toingee i finished your autograph! just hope you know that your book is running out of space. maybe you should give people a pda next time to write on, or even better, open up an autograph-blog! then you don't have to worry about people spilling coffee on your book, dogs eating it up, people like me getting lazy and taking a week to write etc etc.

talking about dogs, i went out of my house today and saw a cat staring straight at me. black with green eyes. so it's trying to get into the lobby shared by my 2 other neighbouring houses, and i am trying to catch a bus. being the socially conscious person that i am, i decided that catching my bus was more important and so i just opened the door and let it in. (not into my house lah just into the common lobby)

10 footsteps later, i hear a piercing scream from the exact same lobby i left behind just 5 seconds ago. realizing the unfortunate situation that i had unwittingly caused, i let the feeling of guilt sink in, increased my pace, and boarded the bus to school.

teehee.... :)

act cheem line of the day: an overturned bowl holds no water.

meaning: when you turn a bowl over, all the water comes out. it thus holds no water.

unless of course you turn it fast enough and slam it onto a flat surface, thus trapping the water between the two objects. provided the rim of the bowl is flat enough, and that the bowl is not made of glass or other brittle materials.

act cheem line of the day 2: overturned bowl on table with water within causes much anguish to unsuspecting mum/maid/domestic figure of choice upon removal

meaning: if you're 7 years old and want to piss the heck out of your mum, follow the instructions above, taking care to use as heavy a bowl as possible (to prevent leakage of fluids) and remembering to wipe away any spilled water to avoid suspicions. when said parent arrives on the scene and attempts to remove the strategically placed object, chaos will ensue, resulting possibly in rounds of caning, scolding or emotional blackmail. and also the indescribable feeling of accomplishment.

dropped my cellphone on my toes today. and BOY DID IT HURT! as my sensory neurons fired away like machine guns all over my helpless brain, part of it was contemplating in silent, morbid amusement: why the heck is my cellphone so heavy? i mean it always feels so light when i carry it or when i'm throwing it around, but it just HAD to get 50 times heavier the split second before it touched down on my toes...

... unsolved mystery of the universe #23460572645.

and then as the pain started to subside, my brain shifted gears and approached a new topic: thank God it landed on my toes instead of on the ground, cos it might have just split open or destroyed itself, which would have entailed me making that long trip to the mall to have it repaired and being mercilessly placed on hold for hours by the absolute best customer service officers in the world.

and of course this got me thinking about just how often we take things for granted. i mean YAH it hurt so much that i couldn't even start screaming (ok fine i exaggerate) but i'd much rather endure the pain than have to drive/cycle/etc to pmall and watch my life slip past me as the customer service officers sit around and stare and wait for things to happen. right? but at that moment when my toe made contact with the massive titanium chassis of my telecommunications unit, all i could think of was WAH SUEY UNTIL CANNOT MORE SUEY LIAO.

which then got me thinking again (warning: ultra slim connection alert) : when we give thanks, it's usually for the good things in life, but how often do we actually give thanks for the bad things that didn't turn out worse than they did? how often do we wallow in our supposed misery without realizing that life could treat us with a lot more cruelty?

walking along arts quad today, i saw pictures of little kids with ribcages straining to push past skin that had already been stretched unimaginably thin. every minute, 20 children in this world die of hunger. that's one in 3 seconds.

so in the midst of this semester's horrible studio experience, in the midst of my hair falling all around me, in the midst of a relationship that rivals Six Flags in terms of rate of bidirectional vertical displacement...


... I thank God I'm alive. :)

p.s. Hypothesis of the Day: we only scream when there's people around to hear us.

so i've just returned from studio, having NOT watched fever pitch and NOT watched the interpretor, unlike everyone else. So what right? it's not as if i had a super huge crush on nicole kidman ever since batman errr....1? YAH. NOT AS IF.

realized upon plonking down on my chair that i'm so pessimistic about studio that i'm past caring. well, almost. i get my things done, i go home, and i don't worry a single bit. but then maybe it's cos my head is spinning from lack of sleep and my fingers are still frozen from the torturous bike ride home, during which i had visions of me getting enthusiastically knocked up by a car and not ever making it back. ugh. but yah frozen fingers spinning head blah blah and i hear it's going to snow again! woohoo.

reading yc's blog just now and it totally reminded me of those times when i was still semi recovering from the mess of my last relationship. it's really times like these when you realize how precious love is, how every single drop of it can make your day, bring a smile to your face, or just totally overwhelm and surround you in a floating bubble of bliss. and then when it's taken away, how you can just fall crashing onto the ground, unable to pick yourself up or to salvage the pieces of your heart...

i pray i'll never lose you... i pray that love will never ever be a memory.

kr said something to me today about not wanting to be monogamous. ewww. guess it's just something that marks that thick fat line between asians and americans huh. or maybe it's just me! if you were around, i would probably neglect my friends (like i used to do), and just spend all my time with you no matter how unhealthy everyone makes it out to be!

so anyway, she (kr) is really afraid of the whole exclusivity thing, but wants her guy to be totally devoted to her. haha... gone are the days when it's the guys who fool around and the girls just sit at home and weep. nowadays girls don't even call it fooling around. it's just being FRIENDLY. and the guys... well, if you're jealous you're a wimp. if you're not jealous then you don't care enough. so the perfect guy is the .... wait... like that how to have perfect guy? see? no wonder girls nowadays lament about the lack of good guys, cos they make it impossible for the good guy to exist! banished into the realm of fruitless imagination...

but of course that's american culture, which, despite its endless onslaught, hasn't completely taken over our little island of singapore. there's still girls who stick with their guys through thick and thin, and guys who are just totally devoted to ONE SINGLE PERSON.

but must always leave room for nicole kidman! (apparently toingee also leaves a lot of room for her)

just spied the top of my cpu, which sits just beside my chair. and it's FULL OF HAIR! no no don't worry, my cpu isn't coming alive/reaching puberty/infested by aliens. it's just poor ol CANUF shedding like mad! don't really think it's genetics cos my dad's hair is still jet black and very much intact, but then what else might be causing this expulsion of keratin from my scalp?

1. Radiation from computer.
no no cannot... like that how am i supposed to blog!? with pencil?

2. Studio
yah probably... all the noxious fumes and all-nighters and shitty professors, confirm drop hair wan!

3. Instant noodles.
no way man. msg is good for health! (saw on this van years ago that "MSG IS PRODUCED USING ONLY NATURAL SOURCES" yah just like heroin and cocaine and marijuana and what not. all good for health!)

4. Missing charlotte
me = lovesick! sick = drop hair!

well, now that i've reached a conclusion, i have no idea what to do about it! except to tell my darling that i'm absolutestestly in love with her and missing her lots everyday! can't wait for may 14th to come man...

me *approximately equal to* starving somalian waiting for UN food aid to drop from sky.

By the way, the new MSN Messenger lets you do scrawly things on the screen! how cool right. now don't have to download lousy programs that spurt adwares all over my comp! :) EVERYONE GO UPDATE MSN MESSENGER NOW NOW NOW.

friends in high places

so my darling tells me today that because she was talking to me, she missed a photo-taking session with her church friends... do i feel guilty or what... sorry lah, not my fault that i love talking to you right?

then again, maybe they see you go off then "eh eh quickly take photo leh!"

KIDDING.

hmm...actually this reminds me of my good old times in XXland (name changed to protect whichever identities want to be protected) when my friends would do that to certain ostracized people, just for the heck of it. sigh... all these shameful incidents in my past... i must admit that being really young then, i reluctantly participated in these activities even though i always felt horrible after that. of course my sense of morality has been sufficiently honed with time for me to now abhor such activities with great vehemance. ptui ptui! karma man! what goes around comes around! ...i sure don't want people to say, "whey CANUF zao liao quickly take photo before he comes back!"

of course, here's not to forget our good 'ol Christian values of Love Thy Neighbour As Thyself, which applies whether or not you care about good karma. i've learnt in the past few years that good friends can be found in the most unlikely of people, even if they're dregs of society like yongchuan and toingee and the likes. *yongchuan is right now outside my room gossiping about other people.* see? you talk about other people CANUF will suan you in his blog! haha no lah, my friends are all very nice peeps.

ESPECIALLY charlotte! my best friend and darling and most huggable girl in the world! now that i'm back to talking about you, here's a photograph with you inside, hopefully it can replace the one that you missed out on! see see there's me inside too.... :P (ok no connection)


yashi looking very *liang4*

point is, people we might look down upon at particular stages in our lives may actually end up being there for us when we're in deep s*** with no one else to turn to. and if that really happens, you can live with yourself meh?

"errr... sorry ah last time i bully you cos my mum force me to wan.... really not my fault. i actually *cough cough* respect you very much you dunno only...."

fwah... which brings me to another topic. always blame your mum. especially if you're in secondary school and mums are still ubiquitously recognised as whip-wielding tyrants that kill and torture without remorse.

avoiding irritating friend:
"my mum say i have to stay at home. yah weekends also. yah after school must immediately go home. yah recess time also have to go home."

late for school:
"my mum got diarrhoea cannot drive me to school."

never hand in homework:
"my mum ate up my homework."

ok till later!! :)

sour-grape guide to princeton university

capital punishment

since i'm on the topic of princeton* sculptures, here's one more exciting one. after devouring toingee and reducing our tiny group to just me and sera, princeton's art continues to ravage our doomed expedition. Here we stopped to check out this marvellous sculpture, only to have it clamp down on my neck venus-flytrap-style and proudly displaying its kill for photo-taking opportunities. whew... glad they rejected my application last time. *SOUR GRAPES ALERT!* (sera don't worry we on same boat. too smart to get in)

and guess what, it's not only us humans who are engulfed by the aura of death in princeton...

even the cones kena


*princeton was visited and escaped from during fall break 2004, after visiting my sister at UPenn which was considerably friendlier.

So i've just realized that when things go wrong with my life, it pains me even more to talk about them or even to think about them. I prefer to go through life with the notion that everything is beautiful, that people are just nice to each other and that there's no reason why you'd be malicious to anyone else. Everytime i complain about something or the other, it won't be long before i get irritated at myself for even griping, and i'll end up finding some mitigating factor for that person/thing/event that would then make me feel stupid for being upset in the first place.

I don't know if it's a strength or a weakness to always want to see the good side in everyone. Sometimes it's worked for me, sometimes it backfires, and I don't exactly have the statistics to incline me to either direction. Still, it's my character and i'll stubbornly stick to it even if it's going to kill me.

Oh well.... dinner was good cos i spent the time with good friends who are just great people. Just want to take a little moment to thank toingee for always being that listening ear whenever i have problems with erm... basically anything under the sun. he's going to head back to wonderful SAF really soon to do his part in nation building, so i guess i won't be seeing him in awhile. well, that's why blogging is great, cos you get to look right into someone's life even if you don't have the time or chance to just sit in front of your computer all day and chat. and i definitely don't have the time anymore cos studio is killing me and making me feel retarded.

yep if you missed it, that was my little gripe which i'm too sian to elaborate on right now. back to sitting and staring and stoning my friday night away before i piah for whatever's left in this semester. God help me.

anyway here's a picture of toingee at princeton, where all around you are sculptures that invite death poses. like below.


toingee happily getting eaten

haha thanks terence for mentioning my blog in your blog! quite surprised that my blog is your top referrer since i have pathetic attendance here :P but since we're all into this acknowledging-my-referrer phase, i'd like to extend my gratitude to adeline for being the top referrer to my site! well i guess it's cos my name is right at the top of your list but who's complaining right? :P do consider increasing the font and putting little stars around my link i don't mind too. :)

What we do during blackouts.

Zhenying: retrieves lighter from room, lights candle, disappears into bathroom for romantic shower with nice ambience -- and extremely cold water.

Sera: takes out needle and thread and becomes the epitomy of girlness.

Kenneth: sits on couch and muses idly about love, grilling sera in the process about ideal guys.

Yongchuan: (didn't pay attention so could have been doing anything)

Seems like that's the only thing in my mind most of the time. Love, relationships, blah blah, but nothing wrong with that right? how many people get to say "i'm in love" and not be lying? whatever the case, i'm just falling in love everyday over and over again, with this one girl, and hoping that the same thing's happening to her too...

people try to tell me that life is about a lot more than that, but i dunno... i'm still inclined to think that at the end of the day, what i'd like to take away from this world the most is a bunch of lasting friendships, a loving family, and a girl i never get enough of. :)


who cares about the scenery right

darling!!! everytime you tell me how silly my blog is, it always makes me very sad you noe... :(

but nevermind, as long as you still read it, that's good enough for me!

anyway, everyone's talking about the 2 casinos today. i feel compelled to talk about it, even though i have no access to straits times and my current affairs knowledge is like poop. so yah... i think the whole idea of putting a casino in centosa* (* = named changed to avoid fate of certain PSC scholar) is just a ploy by the govt to make centosa popular once again. ok that was DUH. but think of this: if the aunties all go to centosa to play casino, where do their kids go? EVERYWHERE ELSE. and if they can spend 100 bucks to go casino, the 10 bucks fee for underwaterworld will be NOTHING. so in the end, even if auntie doesn't lose any money (which is highly unlikely), cingapore gets richer by 100 bucks + everywhere else in sentosa that charges entrance fee.

but what about the not so rich cingaporeans*? having realized that cingapore* is becoming casino island, they would probably be influenced and start warming up to the gambling fad. But no money to go casino then how? Go Merlaysia*. It is now clear that Cingapore has also come into an agreement with the Merlaysian government -- Having lured all their tourists, we now offer up our own citizens to Jenting*. Fair exchange man... we get the tourists with all the cash and you get our kiamsiap gamblers who can't afford to donate 100 to the pee-aye-pee everytime they feel like losing money.

In the end, everybody wins -- except us poor scholars overseas who write blogs and then get stoned on Straits Times.

here i am again. after many hours of not doing work, i've decided to continue my unbroken stretch and spend 15 min more not doing work. i'm so screwed and i do know it thank you very much, but right now, i'm so freaking sian about work that nothing anyone does can make me go to studio in at least the next 1 hour. or 2. or 50.

ok what to write!? see i've arrived at this place for the sole reason of avoiding work, but nothing has prepared me for the inevitable consequence that I HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING! oh oh ok got it. i just sent like 5 or 6 unintentional mails to 3 cornell listserves for Graduation Night '05. all with the good intention of promoting this event for our very wonderful cornell community, especially those who are GOING TO GRADUATE SOON YOU B**T**DS. anyway, they're all nice people so i have nothing against them. cept for the fact that i'm still stuck for the next 3 years in this hellhole that pretends to be inhabitable by having nice scenery and well, good weather once every 323498 days.

ANYWAY. the point is that now i'm cowering in front of my computer terrified about the prospect of some smart alec alumnus who's on the Kopitiam listserve emailing back to say what an idiot i have been to be spamming everyone with my 5 identical emails. and then what if my itchy fingers decide to go out of control and email back saying "I KNOW YOU DUMBO and i'm sorry liao k what more you want me to do? hang myself?" and what if someone starts emailing again saying "so you think you SSA vice president big shot issit? I'm SAF scholar i bomb your apartment see your mouth still so big or not." THEN HOW?

yah thing is, similar events have unfolded before in our wonderful cornell community. of course, there are the HEROS who go "come on lah you all fight fight fight in the end everyone also gets their As and go home and work in some lousy gahmen job and has kids and forgets about all this, what's the point of fighting?" or "she was just trying to be helpful if you say so much next time nobody help you you cry nobody know also" or "yo momma so fat when she..." ok you get the idea.

well, i really hope no one gets annoyed by my spamming and decides to whack me for it. cos i (of course) will not attempt any rebuttal. instead, i will hole up in my room and sulk and be miserable for the rest of my life. or i will write another blog and waste more time. so for the sake of my GPA (which is reaching terminal velocity -- downwards), please be nice to me!

sank yew sank yew

meanwhile, i just remembered that i forgot to return my library books. AGAIN. i am now overdue and fines are going to turn up in my inbox pretty soon, unless of course i quit cornell and permanently switch off my computer, which is, well, unlikely. So my dear fines, i welcome you into my humble abode. feel free to suck me dry and throw me into the longkangs to beg for money. i will not resist.

finally, just a little warning to everyone out there who is intending to solder and glue things in the comfort of his/her own room without the use of any ventilation and without sleeping for 2 days ------ DON'T. not good. will kill you wan. i know. i'm dead already. see? here's my lung i just coughed it out. you want i can sell to you, can use for anti-smoking campaign.

:P

just found out that charlotte actually reads my blog! having been made a happy person, i have decided to commemorate this occasion with a nice photo of us! pure, pristine, unphotoshopped happiness, two wonderful smiles frozen solid (giant thermometer behind with temperature somewhere between char's mouth and chin) for the camera. see yang yang trying her bestest to disturb the two lovebirds? completely unsuccessful. commendable effort though... and with enough practice (i give her 2 years) she will be able to jump right into our faces just as the camera snaps, and succeed in her neverending quest to irritate the heck out of everyone in the family.


girl, 8, caught red handed

sometimes i wish i could be there to watch my sister grow up... by the time i'm back in singapore, she'll be like what? 10? 11? 5 years of absence! every time i see her pictures in my computer, i never fail to get that lump-in-the-throat feeling just thinking of her cute face, her childish confidence, her ineffective tantrums, her awkward attempts to fit into our "adult" world, her laughs/sulks/grins/frowns etc etc... and i'm always reminded that behind all her apparent brattiness, there's a girl who really loves her two older siblings, who respects us and yearns for our company all the time... i just wish that when i'm back in singapore, that part of her would still remain the same! life is such a one-shot thing isn't it? when it's gone it's gone. sometimes it makes me envious of all those people leading less "exceptional" lives than us overseas scholars, who get to be with the people they love and all that. of course, i guess you only truly appreciate things when you're without them -- there's a whole lot of people who take their families for granted anyway, and i would probably be one of those people if i were to stay in singapore.... gosh i'm a horrible person.

anyway... tired now...again... there's such a thing as chronic fatigue right? when you just want to sleep no matter what situation you're in? kinda scary... like if you were a Red Lion

the power of digital zoom

parachuting into the Kallang Stadium on National Day and you fell asleep. before you open the parachute. ok that's a morbid thought... but after's not much better too! imagine flopping down gently onto the soft luscious bed of grass in the Padang, with 55,000 camera-clicking spectators immortalizing your moment of glory as your parachute falls like a warm blanket all around you...

ok i'm talking crap. time to sleep! :) nitey nite folks

ok see i've been blog surfing and have arrived at the inevitable epiphany (oooh big word). that nobody likes a blogger who constantly fills his little lot in cyberspace with cliched and uninspired rantings about how miserable life is and what not. so i've decided to put an end to that and explore the other happy side of my life which is, actually, pretty substantial.

yesterday toingee came over again, confirming suspicions that he is actually not a cornell student anymore and is just bumming around in sunny ithaca until the PAP decides to name him our new prime minister. he's like how free lor. so yah he comes over and brings with him a pack of those Shakespearean poetic magnet thingys that you rearrange to form cheem sounding crap on your refrigerator. why refrigerator? so that every single unsuspecting human in your house will be treated to your miserable attempts at poetry whenever he/she needs ice/milk/ice-cream/yoghurt/fruits (sorry our fridge isn't particularly well-stocked). we sit on the floor painstakingly tearing apart those little pieces, and like the A1 lit students in our glorious past, came up with a poem that would make Ms Janelle Ho weep in pride.

our baby!

due to toingee's poor photo-taking skills the photo looks like it's 50 years old and i doubt anyone can really make out the poem. but no matter, a picture paints a thousand words, no matter how discoloured it is :) anyway sera insists she hasn't read it, even though i'm absolutely positive she has stopped by the fridge at least 20 times in the past day. perhaps because of the objectional nature of the poem (tsk toingee i never knew you had it in you), or perhaps the giant mess of little magnets on the fridge were a little too camouflaged. zhenying on the other hand, took the proactive feminist approach of changing every single provocative word in the poem, thereby destroying every single rhyming line, not to mention its entire structure. kudos for effort! :) yongchuan did absolutely nothing. 10 points to zhenying for her wanton disregard of free speech in defense of the female species.

my dad is in israel, and i hear he's been impressing his israeli aircraft industry colleagues with his Chinese painting skills. testimony to the fact that 1. my dad is amazing 2. money isn't the only way to settle business contracts 3. chinese are taking over the world 4. my dad is amazing. i still remember how pissed i was when he berated me for drawing a swallow flying around a tree. (the swallow was half the size of the tree).... now of course, i draw a little better and my dad is at age 56 about to make a smashing debut into the israeli chinese painting scene. yay! to all my engineering friends out there, who says engineers can't draw?

ok back to my sad life as a struggling architecture sophomore (i always thot sophomore was some kind of choir position, eg alto/baritone/that screeching ah lian)...

1. i just realized today that when i see the name michael jackson, i no longer think "pop star". all i get is a harrowing image of unnatural pastiness and little babies dangling from balconies. ewww!


2. life is a bummer sometimes. studio is getting worse and worse, its degeneration directly proportional to the amount of work i put in. makes me wonder increasingly why i fooled myself into thinking i had a talent. now i'm slowly starting to convince myself that my talent lies in songwriting, but just wait till i go screw that up too :P


3. heartbreak is when you have to fake gaiety to someone who's sticking knives into you, just cos you love the person, just cos you can't bear to see that person upset.

when you sit on your chair afterwards feeling that dull acidic pain course through your body, until even your fingers feel numb.

when all around you, life goes on. and everything seems to be glowing in a warm amiable shade of pink.

when your room door is locked and you can't open it for fear that someone would see you and ask you what's wrong.

when you then realize that you want nothing more than to have someone see you and ask you what's wrong.



4. sometimes i envy those people who don't have enough sense to think that jumping off a building is the stupidest thing to do.


5. if hearts could shatter, at least you'd hear.