it's 3.30am and i'm still doing work. at least i was until i decided to take a break cause my back is well, breaking.

today i got home from school and i decided i was going to SLEEP. i think that's like the second time in my whole cornell experience that i slept in the afternoon! The first time was when i broke up... i think there's this pattern, it's like the moodier i am, the more i feel like sleeping. I guess sleep, for me, is a silent prayer that things will get better. That the world i wake up to will be just that little bit brighter.

and after i publish this blog, i'm going to lie down in front of the computer

and let my dreams take me where i want to go....

when spring comes, what else would it melt....?

My favouritest photo ever. Took it at Quebec during fall break last year, while my friends were in the toilet.

it's called "holding"

i ate black and white m&m's today. SO COOL!!! the packaging says, "help us find our colours" and there's apparently this contest of some sort at mms.com which has typically attractive prizes that no one is really keen about cos no one expects himself to be one of the 6 lucky people IN THE WHOLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA to find a packet of m&m's with colour.

so i wasn't particularly disappointed when i opened mine and found out that i just helped clear another non-prize-winning packet off the shelves of the Green Dragon at Sibley Hall. What was surprising was the number of people i know (in architecture) who really like the black and white m&m's and pray to heaven that the original ones never come back to our beautiful planet. I'm one of them :)

It's just like how a black and white photo immediately captures my attention. not because it brings me back to my grandparents' days when everyone was still wearing loincloths and running around with clubs and bludgeons. ok that's pushing it a little....:P but well, it's because there's just something about a world in grayscale that is so emotive and elegant, that makes colour seem so additive sometimes. you look at a black and white portrait and see nothing of the make up or adornments that people love to hide behind. you see a stark reality, a bare soul staring back at you.

but we aren't used to seeing bare souls. so we retreat back into our comfortable world of colour and make that our reality.


i guess i'll probably last about 3 more weeks before i start pining for coloured m&m's again :P

a year on the mountain

i meet you at the top of the slope. it's my first time skiing down this mountain, and your first time too. we are all a little nervous.

"i'll go first. follow me and you'll be safe yah?"

i can't see what's in front of me, but you seem reassured by my brave words and suddenly the slope doesn't matter anymore.

we make our way slowly down the mountain. i learn fast, and when you fall, i climb back up to pull you to your feet. you are tired, but happy. once or twice you lean upon my chest to catch your breath, and butterflies flutter in my stomach.

we're halfway down. we stop, and you sit down on the soft snow, pulling me down with you. the stars are really beautiful tonight. you seem to want to say something, but the words never make it past your lips, so i lean over and give you a kiss. you smile, and i'm happy.

we get used to the slope after awhile, and i ski a little faster, a little more dangerously. the chill excites me and quickens my descent. we make fewer stops. i don't know if you still fall, but i guess you can manage it. i pass many forks in the trail, but i take the wider paths because i know you'd take them too.

all too soon i reach the end of the slope. i look back but i can't see you. my heartbeat starts to quicken, and i shout your name.

the mountain echoes back at me.

i stand at the bottom of the slope, not knowing where to go or what to do. could you be stuck somewhere, waiting for my help as skiers fly past you? could you have taken a wrong path and ended up somewhere else? maybe i took a wrong path.... maybe we both did. could you have left the mountain without me?

the last bus has left. the lights lining the mountain slope go off, leaving in their absence ghostly shimmers of ionised gas. it starts to snow. the cold wind seeps into my jacket as i remove my skis and place them upon my shoulders. step by step i trudge back up the mountain, hoping to find you.

the world is silent. the stars shine ever so beautifully, bringing recent memories to my mind. i smile, but worry takes over. my feet hurt. i squint my eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of your pink jacket. nothing. the snow bites into my flesh as i start to think wild thoughts.

maybe the search dogs would find me tomorrow, a lone figure motionless in the vast white landscape.

maybe i'll never see you again.

maybe you left and forgot about me.

or maybe i'll wake up on my desk, and find out that it was all a dream.


it is snowing heavily now.

don't you feel that sometimes you just care too much about the wrong things? or the wrong people? of course you do. but then, how do you know which are the right things? how do you know who the right people are? there's no easy way to find out... and often even when you do find out, it doesn't make a difference. you continue to be mired in the depths of your own shortsightedness, until things happen that shock you, a little too late, into your senses.

i have a packet of lays on my table that i can't eat because of my horrible ulcer. so i stare at the packet and chance upon this label:

GUARANTEED FRESH
Until printed date
or this snack's on us.

i wonder what unfresh lays potato chips taste like. fritolay should add another label with diagrams and analysis of unfresh potatoes to further inform their customers. maybe even a nicely packaged smell capsule with the essence of unfresh lays potato chips.

anyway the moral of this story is: don't bite your lips when you sleep. or you're gonna have to sit on your desk and helplessly watch your lays expire themselves.

i've been listening to the same set of songs on my mp3 player, since like november last year. many times i've thought about changing the songs to the newer ones i downloaded to my computer, but somehow or other this step is never taken. i don't really know why, and i don't really know if i'm trying to make a point with this, but well, it could be because i'm too lazy to go through all the deleting and copying, or it could be because i've grown so used to these 30 songs and this particular sequence that having to change it seems almost blasphemous.... almost like converting to another religion.

or it could be because this set of songs represent almost everything that i am at this particular moment in my life. one song: life for rent by dido...

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
As there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent…


... i can't say i fully comprehend the song's intended meaning, but i just feel that despite living for 21 years, i've yet to make my life mine. i've yet to take charge of this soul and say "this is where i want to go", "this is what i want to be". but as much as i feel this song is a parallel to my present condition, there's something deep within me that is telling me, "it's time you change your songs. it's time you live by a whole new melody."

i've seen a whole slew of melancholic blogs... from my sis, lydia, vicki, chuan, just to name a few. i am also guilty of posting a long series of depressing entries. maybe it's really time for us all to take a look at our lives and wonder why we are so unhappy, why we feel victimised, why we are unsatisfied with what we have.

who knows, maybe obtaining happiness is as easy as plugging in an mp3 player, deleting the 30 old songs, and uploading 30 new ones.

the colder it gets, the more i wish that my gloves can be replaced by someone else's hands. :)

this is one of the times i wish i didn't let so many people see my blog. there were so many things going through my mind from the end of vday yesterday to the moment i woke up, and after i called kay to wish her a safe journey back to australia and found out she had left already. i created a blog so that at times like these, when i simply have to write down my thoughts, i can just click on a link to quench this urge and let go of all my pent up feelings. but then now i worry that people would read this and start .... oh well, nvm.

i hope vday was a happy day for most people this year. for me, vday was like a dream. in dreams you think that everything is possible.....even the things that you know aren't.

i used to have crushes on lots of girls, and during jc i would waste hours upon hours just sitting in front of my computer and waiting for her/them to come online. it's so amazing how this state of waiting has changed over time... in the olden days, people waited at their doorsteps for messengers to deliver verbal information, in WW2, anxious housewives would collapse when the ominous government car stopped at their frontyard... then came the postman on his scooter, the most anticipated figure in town... who then got elbowed away by the email, and then we had pagers and handphones, which we would caress in our sweaty palms, waiting for the "one message received. read now?" message. and at the same time, this wonderful invention called the icq, later followed by msn, which never failed to make my heart beat faster whenever i saw that little pop up in the corner of my screen that said "@ is online". i don't really know what point i'm trying to make, except that people are always waiting. waiting for dad to come home, waiting for friends to arrive at the party, waiting for that favourite crush to appear in the canteen during his/her break, waiting for letters, messages, waiting for a special person to come online, waiting for that birthday/christmas/vday etc present....

basically hoping against hope that one isn't forgotten.

Disclaimer: To all my gal friends, this blog is meant to be read in a good mood, and if you are not currently in that state of mind, please kindly refrain from glancing down. The author of this blog is not responsible for any dashed egos or anything of that sort.

if you're happy and you know it please carry on.

I was just thinking the other day how strange the opposite gender is. In the light of the impending VDAY, i will attempt to pen down some of my thoughts and experiences.

1. girls get sad/happy for the most inexplicable of reasons, which remain inexplicable even after they are made known.

2. they manage to read into the slightest of issues and blow them up to gargantuan proportions

3. they laugh and giggle together with no prior warning and then resolutely refuse to discuss the sources of their amusement.

4. they simply refuse to tell you why they are angry with you, so that instead of being able to change your behaviour, you end only being able to pacify them for one moment and having to make the same mistake over and over and over again.

5. they live lives shrouded in mystery, and believe that sharing their opinions with normal guy friends is a compromising act that would make them susceptible to ill intentions and/or affect their image. even when they know that playing computer games and watching soccer leaves no space in the minds of guys for deep stuff like these.

6. they think that starving themselves is a worthwhile cause, even when they know just how fun dieting is in places like ethiopia and other health conscious parts of africa. there's just something fundamentally immoral about paying 10 bucks to enter the dining hall and eat a bowl of salad.

7. they refuse to discuss their weight. as if guys looking at a slender and pretty girl would be severely put off if she weighs 60kg.

8. they find it ridiculous and amusing that guys only care about superficial things like appearances and feel that these things aren't what matter. yet they refuse to discuss their weight.

9. they consider it a criminal act to go to the restroom alone. (thank you simtong for this contribution) thus a dinner table with 7 girls and 3 guys often has very drastic changes in occupancy.

10. they can spend more than an hour combing their hair, when it comes out no different than before.

11. they think guys are disgusting, but they love guys nonetheless. how can any self respecting girl endure a 1 minute kiss with a guy???



I think girls are the most wonderful creatures on earth. loving a girl (and having her love you back) is the most wonderful experience on earth.

Anyways, I'd really like to see what girls think about guys.... lydia, tian ai or vicki please post a blog? :)


cheers,
kenneth

maybe it's a mistake to have a blog. it's really taking up quite a bit of time that could be (more wisely?) spent on studying and building models. but i can't help it. maybe it's an addiction. maybe i've found a true outlet for my feelings. maybe it's a passing whim.... but whatever it is, i can't stop!!! here i am at 3.34am, waiting for my architecture photos to print and ploughing through yet another blog!

kay sent me a long sms message today. it made me feel very warm and brought a smile to my lips as i stood in the middle of the fine arts library. i realized suddenly that among all my friends, she's the only one who can invoke such a surge of joy in me, that after all that has happened, one message from her can still take wipe away my two days worth of sleepless nights. why are things like that? maybe now is a good time to click the link for yongchuan's blog and read his posting on the same day.

i took out my guitar for the first time in a month and played a few of my songs. it felt wonderful. having a song of your own is like having a personal sculpture, or a painting, that you can carry around in your mind wherever you go. i write my songs with simple melodies that do not require a bulky piano or guitar as accompaniment. thus they follow me every step i take, and sooth my mind when storms are brewing. i really love to sing. perhaps my preoccupation with my lack of looks and physical stature has kept me far away from the stage, but when i sing to myself, or to the people dear to me, i feel like there's something i can give, that there's a piece of myself that i'm sharing with my friends.

one day i will cut an album, and it will be for all the people who have touched my life.

cheers,
kenneth

i was sanding a piece of wood when it suddenly slipped, causing me to apply a big stroke of the sandpaper on my own finger. after realising how uninjured my finger was, a thought occurred to me. the more stubborn we are, the more similar we are to the piece of wood. unable to bend, we keep feeling like we are compromising, like we are losing out to the rest and getting chipped away bit by bit every time a problem arises. but if we are flexible by nature, then just as the piece of skin is unharmed by the sanding, we too would be immune to quarrels and immune to nasty conflicts in opinion. will elaborate when i'm more awake. my english is surrendering to my sleepiness. nitez folks!

cheers,
kenneth

wrote this just before lunch.... it's for my architecture presentation tomorrow :) i think it's quite cute what do you guys think? please help me proofread ok!

Tower in the sky

I see a tower
Standing on its toes
In a field of tulips
It stands all alone

Spires in the clouds
But it yearns to know
What lies beyond
This land of gold

So taking a breath
It heaves its body whole
And for a brief eternity
Begins to know

That the endless horizon
Never ceases to grow
And that lack of compression
Is the death of stone

luke was just telling me after the cny dinner how different uni life is from jc life. we both agreed that jc life was much better than uni life, although when i was walking with him, i didn't really know why i said that. but sitting here in the comp lab in rand hall, i'm starting to think and it's starting to occur to me. when i was in jc, everything was really clear... perhaps it's because as an 18 yr old, i did not have many issues to be unclear about. perhaps it's because life was just about studying and playing vball, and going home to eat, and watching television. perhaps it's because i didn't have a gf, and i interacted with my friends infrequently enough not to know or really care what kind of people they are. perhaps it's because immediately after jc came ns, which didn't really require any planning for or any preparations.

it's different now though.... i am studying in a place where my neighbours are my schoolmates, where we talk/laugh/gossip/hide/avoid/observe during dinner everyday (in singapore dinner was just dinner), and return home to continue these interactions on msn and icq. everyone seems to be heading on their own paths, even those masses of people studying engineering have clear and often rather personalized goals in life. things matter more. people matter more. friends now become housemates in a few months time. relationships become a much more tangible issue.

but i think what's affecting me more is the fact that i don't know what i'm doing anymore. it's like a river is flowing past me, and i'm a little pebble that occasionally gets caught up in the current for a few seconds, but spends most of its time on the river bed. looking at all those people who ran for the SSA exco, i suddenly feel like i'm such a drifter, like i'm so out of things. i use my architecture workload as an excuse, but i think for the most part, it's just because i've lost some of my energy and my zest for life.

i hope this changes soon. i hope that in a while, i'll manage to turn into a fish and ride the currents.

thanks guys for all your well wishes. my mum should be fine, but this whole thing has made me realize something about myself that i'm not proud of. :( it's time i look at myself a little bit more.

I love you mum. I dunno if you will see this, but I just want to tell you I really appreciate everything you have done for me. Thank you for scolding me when i'm wrong, even though you know that i am stubborn and i get angry with you. Thank you for knowing what's right for me, and for leading me the right way. Thank you for listening to my troubles and knowing when to comfort me and when to leave me alone. Thank you for never hitting me. Thank you for packing my bags everyday in primary school, and for taking a bus all the way to Hill Street to fetch me home. Thank you for leaving all the nice food for me and mei mei and yang yang. Thank you for forgiving me so easily, even when i don't care about the family or i go far far astray. Thank you for all the hurt you silently accepted when i shouted at you. Thank you for sending me all these things in Cornell, and not caring about how much it costs. Thank you for saying hi to me everytime in ICQ when most of the time i'm too busy to reply. Thank you for worrying for me, even when i don't worry about you. Thank you for leading a simple life so that we can lead extraordinary ones. Thank you for loving us so much that you don't even care about yourself.

Mummy don't leave me.

I read sera's blog a few days ago.... and i think what she says is really true. sometimes, our disinclination towards a certain person is based on what others say, or on some irrelevant first impressions, but these cause us to miss out on otherwise enriching friendships. only after reading sera's paragraph did i realize that i've also grown closer to someone almost unconsciously, when some time ago i would never have imagined it happening. but for me, it's not just about hitting it off. it's about going into a personal level, sharing secrets, opinions, emotion and trust. maybe "soulmate" would be a little exaggerating, but then again i'm still trying to find out what "soulmate" actually means.

anyway, i wanna thank God for making my life so interesting. although it's so full of ups and downs.... (well maybe BECAUSE it's so full of ups and downs) it's, i feel, the bestest life in the world. i wouldn't trade it for anything else. i've gone through JC and army and half a year of uni being "labelled" as "Xtra" and "kennethyouareanidiotyouknow" and "hahahayahrightveryfunny" but i love my life. i hope that some of my enthusiasm can rub off on the people around me, and i hope that i make a different to the lives of the people around me. Even a little bit!

These days everyone seems to have issues. it kind of throws me off guard, cos suddenly the world seems to contain so much more uncertainty and tension. ouch.

cheers
kenneth

i was listening to "if it makes you happy" by sheryl crow when my subwoofer died on me, dragging my entire sound system with it. i am not really happy now. i feel like ranting about the failings of technology, except that i don't have time, for my unfinished homework beckons like a sultry temptress. well, more like a discipline mistress brandishing a metal ruler, but you get my drift. i will now push my luck and spend half an hour in the shower. after which, when the results of my procrastination strike me smack in the face, i will feel even sadder.

snowboarding in 2 days time!!! i love snowboarding. this time tianai will fall under my siege, and i will reign supreme as the King of Speed.

if i break my arms and legs this time, you can all laugh at me. :) CHOY.

cheers,
kenneth

feeling lazy still..... i'm in my computer lab and i don't want to go back to building my model! i think this valentines day thingy is make me rather distracted about things.... i used to treat valentines day as a kind of game, a novel occasion, back when i was single and everyone around me was just a friend. while others eagerly expected bouquets or panicked over presents, i drifted through this day like a happy little butterfly, flitting around the meadows and enjoying the company of my friends (mostly guys in secondary sch and mostly girls in jc :P).

now it's a little different though. since i got attached, valentines day has gained a new meaning, and although this valentines day is going to be, for me, slightly different from last year's, it has become very significant. thinking about it puts me through a slew of emotions, not exactly pleasant, but not exactly unhappy either. more of anticipation, with a slight dose of.... well i dunno.

when i drew that double heart in the snow last night, i remembered that if this happened last year, it would have contained two different footprints instead of one.

i hope someone finds love this valentines day. i hope someone plucks up enough courage to make someone else really happy and really touched. well, no matter what happens i will never be jaded about love. it's a magical thing. it makes butterflies flutter in your stomach. it makes you heady with joy. it makes everything else matter a little less.

ok back to work :)


cheers,
kenneth

I was looking through this file where i keep all my stories, and i chanced upon this one that i wrote for kay, about a year ago. it's about having everything happen to you at once, about happiness mingling with tears, about that having that funny feeling in your stomach when someone holds your hand, and about losing all feeling. It's about having no one to turn to but yourself.

oh. valentines day is coming. i want flowers! no actually i want money, but flowers would do nicely too :)

cheers,
Kenneth

Loss

The fires may go on forever. Or they may fade with time, to become distant, fleeting images in the mind that I can forget if I try hard enough. The screams may go on forever, the desperate shouts that tear into the fabric of my heart like knife into butter, gripping me with pure, blind terror. Or they too, may dissolve and dissipate into the wind, finally ceasing to haunt me in my dreams.

But they would not go quietly, no.

We must have done something really evil for them to drop the Bombs at us like that. Three at a time, the explosions would shake the land, then fill the air with a horrible and strangely mesmerizing haze, of concrete and smoke and bones and tears and blood and shattered dreams. Pater would shake his fists at the Bombs, then shake his head and sigh, "An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A bomb for a bomb." Pater is gone now, his soul thrown into the unfeeling wind like those of so many others.

Like those of Sam, who would sit quietly on Pater's old swing, his beautiful legs dangling next to mine as we each fought the urge to speak. His skin would occasionally brush against mine, sending waves of childish happiness coursing through my veins. Yesterday morning he told me that I had beautiful eyes. I had run away from him giggling, my face hot and flushed with love and pride and months of pent up emotions. Today his cold grey feet can be seen peeking out from his mother's crumbling house, flattened overnight.

I stand beside the old swing, marvelling. Despite all that has happened it still stands proud and tall, defying our enemies and stubbornly shouting to all that would listen that life still goes on. I gently push it and feel its bolts creaking painfully. And I try to feel, to feel for our brave comrades stranded at the front. To feel for the lives lost, or destroyed, or forever altered. To feel for the people and faces behind the wails of despair floating across from the hills beyond.

But I cannot. I have lost my anger, my hate, my happiness, my love. I have lost my innocence and youth, and they will never come back.

it's raining today. i can't believe it! right in the middle of winter, right in the middle of ithaca, and it's raining. this is amazing.... but not as amazing as the brilliant sunrise i witnessed as i got up from my bed and looked out of the window. but here lies the tragedy.... my first thought was to grab my camera and take a picture. my second thought came about half an hour later, when i woke up again. turns out that in between getting out of my bed and reaching for the camera, i had lapsed into an unfortunate sleep and lost the chance to capture that wonderful moment and now all i can take a picture of is this sad, morose drizzle that doesn't seem to want to end.

life is so fleeting, so transient.

and sometimes people come into our lives, make a brief but deep impression, and then disappear, leaving us with the slow drizzle of routine and a smattering of memories.

this blog is written for Jazreel, from christmas, 5 years ago. :)


cheers,
kenneth

today i had a wonderful idea. i want to start another blog, and begin it by starting a story. and everyone who visits the site can read the story and add on to it, and we can all see where it goes! thought of this when i was in the shower (i shower for a bloody long time) and i was so proud of myself, until i found out from a few friends that this idea wasn't original at all.... sigh... well, at least i thought of it without anyone else's input, so i'm still pretty proud of myself. :) ok so look out for the next blogspot! any genre you guys prefer? love story? horror? (i doubt horror would be easy though) anyway some rules i can think of: the only language allowed is ENGLISH. NO FRENCH. and and, no tampering with other peoples' entries, cos the challenge is to continue the story with what you've got. and no one is to end the story without my permission. ok that's all for now, till next time!

cheers,
kenneth

why hurt people? why say things that upset others? i've listened to friends who have been snubbed, ridiculed, rejected, painfully criticised.... i've gone through lots of this too -- people making fun of my height, stabbing at my weaknesses.... and i can't say i've never done it either. when i was breaking up with kay, i said a lot of hurtful things to her. i questioned her integrity, i blamed her for betraying me and told her i would never love her again. yes, it made me feel vindicated, but not for a moment did i feel better about myself. i would lapse into hours of guilt and emotional discomfort, and yearn to hold her hand and apologise. yet why do i do it again and again? why can't i stop hurting someone who meant so much to me?

hmmm... well, this isn't a rhetorical qn.... i have no answers for myself, but i hope that whoever reads this can think about it, and maybe catch yourself before you let your words hurt another person again. especially if it's your friend. cos there isn't always time for us to apologize. there isn't always time to ask, "are you still angry with me?" or say, "i didn't really mean it that way," or even to make it up with a hug or a kiss. emotional scars take a long time to heal, and i don't know about you but it's much harder for me to forget a hurtful comment than a praise or encouragement.

so let's not let our words cut up someone else's heart anymore ok? doesn't work that way.

anyway, to all those people who tried skiing instead of snowboarding, well, you don't know what you are missing dudes..... i pity you people. hahahahahahaha.... snowboarding is SO fun!!! of course i almost broke my wrist and my back during my first lesson, but it's WORTH EVERY SINGLE CENT! and every single potentially broken bone. i will NEVER touch skis again. oh well, unless some cute girl asks me to, which is highly unlikely. till next time!

cheers,
kenneth