sun in my eyes

this is a new song that is just starting to bubble up from that tiny little corner of my mind that still believes in every little moment that we shared, because that's what everything is about isn't it? and here's hoping that someone out there will read this, and find enough promise in these few lines to want to help me complete this song, or maybe write a happy tune for me. :) i know you want to.


there's a little bit of sunshine i think you left behind
when you left me in the middle of a word i can't
remember if you said goodbye
or if it's just the wind
feeling sorry for my eyes
but i know that i'll be fine
cos it doesn't matter
as long as we are better off
in time
where time is a function of the
life that we allow ourselves to live
is to breathe, is to grieve, is to believe
that we are worth the love that we were given
even though though we've been forgotten
we can sing ourselves a new song
la la la la
la la la la

and even though we dance
to the rhythm of a different anthem
please don't take it that i feel
any less naked than you do when
we lift our eyes and gaze up at the stars
they are shining for us
to remind us that someone is out there
and watching us from where we stand
we can be
a million miles away
but it's ok
cos the sun will still be coming out today
la la la la
la la la la

lisp on!

"no really really i think i'm very misunderstood... really really..."

haha. that was certainly a very memorable first experience of getting really drunk. of course yc believes (with his wealth of experience) that we were nowhere close to being truly wholly wasted but as far as i'm concerned, i am never going there again. still, these things can be awesome as long as you look at them from the right angle...

and talking about right angles, gambling is also something that can be awesome if seen from behind appropriately tinted glasses. in this case, the tinting involved roughly half an hour of rationalizing that the REAL purpose of our poker playing was to learn more about Life. something like that. and in an effort to not feel guilty about gambling away precious euros, we decided it would be a much better idea to use personal secrets as our default currency.

wrong. and much gratefulness to L for rescuing us from the depths of alcohol-aided mutual destruction. :)

pour, toast

do i really want to know more about you? do you really want to know more about me? perhaps. or maybe we all just want to find out, through these reluctant answers, who we really are and where we really stand in this crazy little world.

more alcohol required, that's for certain.

words to remember -- Potteresque, Rowling.

potholes

i would like to drink
with you
and watch the spirit
spirit us away
from what the mind
tries to say
and we would be all
red and white
lips and teeth
till the night
slips beneath us
and ages into morning

coins in brass; cow nibbling grass

ruins oversaturated with sunlight; tight-metal-pole-walking; sexuality forum; roman forum; aqueduct = +2 city health; exemplary taxi drivers; entire busload of english translators; standing broad jump; peanut butter; marmite; spiral eggpeel; postcard quality blue skies; abject fear of checking the office email.

i didnt have a particularly fantastic opinion of portugal when i first arrived, but this place sort of grows on you. i dont think (sorry i cant find the apostrophe on this keyboard) i came across anyone here whose social behavior was even mildly distasteful, which struck me because prior to this trip i had practically resigned myself to believing that nasty people are to be found everywhere. of course, im not saying that everyone here is an angel, but i must say theyre doing a pretty good job so far of hiding their crooks and louts and mercenaries and ungracious people from the three of us.

and since i dont know enough of portugals social conditions to give any objective opinion, i have decided to allow myself the simple joy of believing that this place is full of wonderful people, and that at the end of this week, enough of its goodness would have osmosed into my grossly unrefined singaporean brain to turn me into the model citizen that our government tries so hard to mould us into.

combs and bras

tried in vain to look for memory stick ports in the common computer. there´s a photo i had wanted to upload, but perhaps it´s just as good that i didnt get to upload it.

half drunk now from portuguese fado, and i can´t believe i´m still awake now.

i think i really needed this holiday.

i think it's possible actually, cos already it feels like two worlds that have enough velocity in opposite directions not to ever collide again.

3 less beans

feeling bleary-eyed after a long long day, spent mostly under the umbrella. had highly carcinogenic-looking portuguese tarts at this ginormous place, where lydia was chastised by the waiter for ordering a second helping. what's wrong with second helpings? dun worry lydia we're behind you all the way!

saw an accident; did not take picture in time; saw an old man sprawling in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic; saw ordinary passersby leaping into instant action to save him. very impressed.

i am having guitar withdrawal. didn't realize how much i have grown dependent on it.

less buns too

yc's here! looks like today's going to be another rainy day though, thank goodness he brought his very recognizable black NYC umbrella to tide us through. hoping the other guy in our room will check out soon so we can stay up late without feeling like we're his worst nightmare.

note to self: buy toothpaste.

less bones

day 1 in portugal. it's a beautiful place, with pretty pretty buildings all around us. walking along the riverfront in lisbon reminded me of you, although this riverfront was a lot less memorable than the one we walked along, so many years ago.

it's been great so far though, with great company all through the long-ass flight here (and the longer-ass wait at amsterdamn airport. every single time i've been in the amsterdamn airport it's been a 6 hour wait. damn) and the happy little walk around baixa. love the steep alleys and run down facades, and the cool spring air. very nice. very unsingaporean.

as can be seen though, i havent been able to tear myself away from the internet. it's a weakness. but i'm not ashamed :)

had this interesting portuguese tomato rice thingy with loads of seafood. also had the toughest steak in the world. accidentally swallowed a piece (reflex) before i finished chewing, and it tore through my throat giving me a horrible horrible sore throat. i think it's bleeding inside and feeing my stomach with nutritious throat juice and tissue fluid. thank God i can't see inside myself.


...i wish you were here.

everyone needs to watch this

Susan Boyle, Britain's Got Talent

PLEASE watch this video if you haven't already. if it doesn't choke you up, you are not human.

talking about suppressing nostalgia.

there's a short period of my life that i wish i could look back at with nostalgia, but everytime the memories creep up on me, i am forced to push them away. i realize that very soon these memories will fade, and eventually vanish into that little graveyard in my head reserved for things like that.

pity, because even back then, i could already imagine being a wrinkly old man and smiling fondly in reminiscence.

well, some dreams you wake up from and wish you can forget them as soon as possible, simply because you know they aren't real, and there's no way you can ever go back there. in some ways, i resent the waking. in some ways, i am intensely grateful for it.

uniformed

went back for In Camp Training for the first time in my life today (i'm in two minds about whether to end with a . or a ! so i think something else would have to suffice) ............

it was an experience. made friends with complete strangers from completely alien backgrounds. got an update on the best massage parlours in singapore, plus every extra thing they offer. discovered how dreadful the upcoming exercise in june is going to be...even the officers are dreading it and trying to defer. ran 2.4km, so i don't feel so bad about monday. realized that there are people who are actually really concerned about the safety of our little country. ate awesome cookhouse food. ate even more food. rediscovered some suppressed nostalgia of hanging out in stuffy old bunks with familiar people in the same boat. suppressed the nostalgia.

all in all, i'm kind of on the fence about the value of reservist. but still slightly leaning towards migrating to alaska.

love song for ourselves (original song)

i didn't go to church today.

i fact i haven't gone to church much.

but i want to thank God for putting words in my heart and making my fingers move, because i know those words don't come from my tiny little brain. yet somehow i get to write them down, and sing them, and they heal me. maybe they'll heal someone else too, someday :)

drafts

it's funny how much i depend on blogger.com. when i write my songs, i post the half-written pieces here so i can revisit them every once in awhile, try out different chord progressions or different words from anywhere in the world where there's internet. pretty proud of myself at this moment cos i managed to rescue a bunch of lines previously given up for dead and completed another song! it's called Love Song for Ourselves.

with accompanying music no less, although i haven't recorded it yet. stay tuned.

bulletproofing

it hurts my brain but i had to think it through. why do i feel this way? why am i starting to build these protective walls around myself when in the past i had always insisted they were unnecessary?

the thinking helped a little.

with k, and then c, i already had reservations in my mind from day one. i remember being more nervous than happy each time i realized what i was getting myself into, and when things started to fall apart, i was sad of course but not too surprised.

with you it was different. when you came into my life, i couldn't believe how blessed i was. in my eyes, you were the exact opposite of everything that was wrong about my previous relationships, and you were everything that i had felt was missing from my life. and you know, it made me intensely happy to realize that i was making you happy too.

the haze before my eyes took a really long time to settle. even when things started to go wrong, i would still gush to my friends about you, and they all thought you were awesome. they thought that after years of being taken for granted by the ones i loved, i had finally found someone who appreciated me. those times when you put me down in front of your friends, it was still so easy to forgive because i had already created in my mind dozens of excuses for you. and each time your voice on the other end of the line cut deep gashes into me, i'd shrug it off as a stubborn bad dream that would eventually go away.

and i lied to myself (and everyone around me) so well that when it ended, no one saw it coming. not even me (but wait, no. i think you did. you had seen it coming, right from the beginning, hadn't you?)

that's why it still hurts. because in my foolishness that fateful saturday morning, i had somehow managed to convince myself that you were everything i had been looking for my whole life. and when it came the time to jump, i realized that i had had already floated so high, and i had so many miles to fall.

so i'm sorry. it was never your fault. you were just searching for happiness; you just wanted to live life to the fullest. i'm sorry i stumbled into your path and mistook you for an angel, because you looked so much like one. and now i've got these walls all around me because i know i can't afford another fall like this one.

i'm sure you're happy with your life now. and i'm sure the people around you bring more meaning to your life than i could ever have done, so please, just leave me alone? yes, i can make conversation, but somehow every word you say still makes my heart break, no matter what the content. you know how much i loved you. let me tell you a secret -- i still do. so please. just. go. away.

you don't know what it feels like to be on the other side. i hope you never have to find out.

1. s, now i know exactly how you must have felt.

2. why even bother to say hi?

and note to self: who am i kidding?

3. thanks val, for always talking to me at exactly the right time about exactly the right things, even though we talk to each other way to little. and for being so much wiser than me (baby wipes notwithstanding).

respect.

spent the good part of this week working with one of SOM's senior planners (Earl Jackson) on our eco-city project. SOM promised us that this guy was going to be fantastic and we would love him and he's magic to any project he touches.

turns out, they were right. he's absolutely fantastic. my boss can now sleep well because we're back on track, and for me, i am in awe. i mean, he's only 37 but everything about him is awesome! he looks like a surfer dude (and is one actually), draws like a real artist, and the way he talks, he can tell you you're going to die in an hour's time and you'd be like, "oh ok why not?"

AND he's soooo sweet to his wife! i was discussing the project with him and his wife called from US, and he totally turned into a teddy bear for 5 minutes. and then he put down the phone and became an architect again. wow.

i don't usually find myself so in awe, but really. when i went into architecture, that was the kind of person i wanted to be. well, i have 10 more years to go! jia you me!

i love staring at people. especially pretty people (without gender discrimination). sometimes i idly wish i was cross-eyed so i could stare at people all day long and no one would be able to confidently tell that they are being stared at.

i hate make-up though. i think it's mildly degrading. you've always looked better without.

yesterday, i was playing "angel in disguise" for yy, and she suddenly exclaimed, "last time you played this song i had a very nice dream after that! something about bread."


i love my sister.

first thought, "what was it that made you change so quickly into someone else? i feel like i barely know this person now."

second thought, "maybe you were like this all along, but i just couldn't/wouldn't see."

third, "what's wrong with any of that? doesn't everyone change? and isn't everyone blind once in awhile?"



in other news, arissa, we are proud of you! 21.4 yrs old already and still so naive and gullible! :) or maybe you knew it and you were just pretending to be surprised. :(

life is just a game. question is, whose game is it?

in my darkest hours, faye's prawn crackers keep me going.

i have been very diligent not to overly consume, but i think i need to stock up very soon cos i have many hours of darkness in my life!

today's not so bad though, everyone seems to be in a good mood. perhaps cos it's april fool's so we are all fooling ourselves that life is bright and dandy and we're all going to keep our jobs forever and no one's going to get any pay cuts. why can't april fool's be a week long thing? or month long?

i love lunch treats. sometimes there are benefits to having bosses.

and i like how my big boss somehow found out from dunno who that i'm planning to go to portugal, and he actually asked me about it today. like, "oh have you gone europe before, how come you're only going 1 country etc etc." MEANING he approves! saved me the trouble of actually having to break the news to him.

arissa, we have to try harder next year on this april fools thing. i am sure i could have done a much better job if i didn't have to leave my desk every 5 min. and yours was just lame lah totally out of point.

ok! home, here i come!