bulletproofing

it hurts my brain but i had to think it through. why do i feel this way? why am i starting to build these protective walls around myself when in the past i had always insisted they were unnecessary?

the thinking helped a little.

with k, and then c, i already had reservations in my mind from day one. i remember being more nervous than happy each time i realized what i was getting myself into, and when things started to fall apart, i was sad of course but not too surprised.

with you it was different. when you came into my life, i couldn't believe how blessed i was. in my eyes, you were the exact opposite of everything that was wrong about my previous relationships, and you were everything that i had felt was missing from my life. and you know, it made me intensely happy to realize that i was making you happy too.

the haze before my eyes took a really long time to settle. even when things started to go wrong, i would still gush to my friends about you, and they all thought you were awesome. they thought that after years of being taken for granted by the ones i loved, i had finally found someone who appreciated me. those times when you put me down in front of your friends, it was still so easy to forgive because i had already created in my mind dozens of excuses for you. and each time your voice on the other end of the line cut deep gashes into me, i'd shrug it off as a stubborn bad dream that would eventually go away.

and i lied to myself (and everyone around me) so well that when it ended, no one saw it coming. not even me (but wait, no. i think you did. you had seen it coming, right from the beginning, hadn't you?)

that's why it still hurts. because in my foolishness that fateful saturday morning, i had somehow managed to convince myself that you were everything i had been looking for my whole life. and when it came the time to jump, i realized that i had had already floated so high, and i had so many miles to fall.

so i'm sorry. it was never your fault. you were just searching for happiness; you just wanted to live life to the fullest. i'm sorry i stumbled into your path and mistook you for an angel, because you looked so much like one. and now i've got these walls all around me because i know i can't afford another fall like this one.

i'm sure you're happy with your life now. and i'm sure the people around you bring more meaning to your life than i could ever have done, so please, just leave me alone? yes, i can make conversation, but somehow every word you say still makes my heart break, no matter what the content. you know how much i loved you. let me tell you a secret -- i still do. so please. just. go. away.

you don't know what it feels like to be on the other side. i hope you never have to find out.