Don't Let Me Go

Too many times
We let ourselves wonder
If we can find a place
Less miserable than here

Too many times
We let ourselves go under
All the weight of the fury
That’s heaped onto us

Then something snaps
And there’s a taxi by the sidewalk
To take us where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

Out in the streets
I run into your mother
She asks me what the hell I’m doing
Here outside of your world

I said well, something snapped
And there’s that taxi by the sidewalk
To take me where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

So don’t you cry
Cos I’ll change my mind
And we’ll just act
Like nothing happened

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

sculpture 101

how do you make yourself feel adequate when you've just done something that's just SO dumb? do you just forget about it? damn i always get unsettled by such things, like i feel i have to make up for it, even though the situation's over and there's really nothing i can do about anything...


oh well, i've decided again that art is fun. after 3 years of architecture, it's really refreshing to be able to just talk about your ideas without people telling you, "no this doesn't work. you're not thinking." ri guess one of the differences between artists and architects is the idea of experience. in architecture, there's knowledge that can be accumulated, that can give people a sense of whether something is better than the other. of course it's true for technical skills in art, but in terms of creativity, everything is a new experience. because art stimulates the observer in a much greater variety of ways -- you're not restricted by having to consider function, feasibility, sustainability and all those other things. the ideal observer approaches art with a fresh mind, making personal connections, interpretations and letting himself be affected by the artwork. we find meaning in lots of different things. you can't do that with architecture, cos architecture always has to have that primary role of function and program.

so therefore, art is fun. it's definitely is very much that mechanism for release that it's so well known for.

I jump

I jump.
You jump.
Together, we might create resonance, depending on circumstances.

I wait.
You wait.
We grow old.

I psychoanalyse
You. Psychoanalyse
Me.

There's a bridge nearby that we could cross
Provided we're crossing from the same side
And you're following behind me

Or vice versa.

Sometimes we're like binary stars.
Always revolving around each other
But never collapsing into the centre
Until the fuel runs out.

The matter with time....

when you're a geologist, or a student studying geology, one of the things that mess you up is the immense timescale you're working on. millions of years ago become abbreviated to mya, like oh, this sediment was deposited 375mya. doesn't seem like much does it? and then you fast forward and rewind so rapidly through time that Earth's entire life could almost be happening on a single dvd.

and then people around you, those whom you love and those whom you wish you loved more, start to disappear, and all of a sudden you're brought back into that uncomfortable little time zone of less than a century. you become that little blip in time, so insignificant and so significant at the same time. because that little blip is your entire existence, and it's surrounded by so many other blips for whom this time zone is their entire existences as well.

don't ever terminate your existence out of spite. cos the last thought that flashes through your mind will be, "will it even matter?" and then you'll be gone.

don't live each day as if it were your last, cos you won't even feel like doing anything. i guess live each day as if it were the first day in the last month of your life.

just before we die, there's always (i suppose) that moment of clarity, when you realize that selfish thoughts don't really matter anymore, and that you now have, all of a sudden, an infinite capacity to give. don't wait till then to start giving, cos it's not easy while you're bedridden.

don't leave me... cos i haven't looked at you enough. and all the other things as well.

the last rays

notes about light:

1. we are opaque, and therefore cast shadows.

2. we are sometimes pretty deliberate about where our shadows fall

3. light and truth coexist until a certain threshold.

4. we are what is reflected off us.

5. the sun is at its most beautiful (and most tolerable) the instant before it disappears beyond the horizon.

When two worlds collide

Juxtaposition.

i hate it.

cos it makes me feel small.

and cos there's nowhere to hide.

I Went Into The Sail

i went into the sail of my ship
to see if there was anything
inside

i scaled the mast
across flat contours that glistened in the sunset
where the peaks and valleys were but
incriptions of time

then i stretched myself thin
and like a film of paint
smeared myself
across the canvas

i found out
that even at the scale of oceans
the view from above is very much unalike
the view from the deck

crashing waves seem less frightening
like choreographed theatrics
but the swaying hurt
and i was always falling

i felt the weight
not on my shoulders
but upon my entire being
i become the medium

i was whipped on my back
giant flat lashes
but the space before me was always inviting
(or was it the other way round?)

i become the medium
the boundary that is never breached
solid and yet
forever in flux

i see the future
i see the past
and in the x axis i become infinitely small

and yet i am majestic
i am the crown
the deck below me disappears
into the rippling surface

while the ship cuts into the ocean like a knife
i slice into the wind
no matter how floundering i may be
without

and then i discover
that what shapes us
isn't our skin
but those other, less visible things

like hope.
and dreams.

Contemplation of Silly Thoughts at Unsuitable Times

Often, when i'm so caught up in the rush of things that I start to suffocate, I get this thought: What am I about? Is my whole life just about me, with everyone and everything revolving around me like some kind of individual simulation, or am I just a little blip in the grander scheme of things? Do you ever think of that? Like when someone enters your life for a brief moment, makes an extra-ordinary impact and then disappears, doesn't it feel like the person was put there just for you? That's a pretty romantic notion, but it carries that scary thought, which is that I (or the individual being) am alone in this universe. The only real thing. Of course, these thoughts are on pretty extreme paradimes. Could it not be that we all exist, but our paths are being controlled by an unknown force, as if we were little metal cars on a table, dragged along invisible paths by horseshoe magnets underneath?

But then often too, I stop and assure myself that we are all God's children, put here on the Earth to live our lives out before that next big stage; that we have free will; that the Earth, and all the chance occurences in our lives are but mindless variables that we have to work our lives around, being often too little to make any decisive changes in the stubborn course of things; that everyone is real and everyone is an individual, but at the same time we're all supporting characters or extras in the life of someone else.

I also wonder sometimes, with all these intermarriages going on, whether we'll all look alike one day. Not alike as in ALIKE, but you know, having the same skin tones, the same general facial contours and all. I guess so lah, since the distinctions between races was probably brought about during the great continental break up during the Triassic(?) period where the supercontinent Pangaea ruptured, tearing North America apart from Europe (among other things). Even when human beings started migrating again, societal pressures continued to keep the races (and colours especially) segregated. Now of course, with people relocating on every part of the world with the help of modern transportation, and with mixed offspring often looking more beautiful than purebloods, we are finally mixing like nobody's business.

But why, say, were Africans and other equatorial races so dark? Was it extra melanin to cope with the brilliant sunlight? Or was it just random mutations that are propogated by cultural preferences? The Europeans went into the pale fad, while the Africans decided that the richer your colour, the more mate worthy you are?

I think also that the advance of medicine now makes human evolution a tricky business. Of course, the survival of the fittest still occurs at different levels, but people with defective genes still reach child bearing age and prolong the lifespan of their DNA. To many, this process keeps the defective genes alive through generations, and may well be the cause of the rising cancer incidence, since cancer is often an inherited curse. However, I now believe that what medicine does is to keep alive the vary varied gene pool we now must have due to the lack of natural selection. This prevents us from being so specialized for survival in our environments that we might one day be totally wiped out by some rare disease (like Aids and other stuff). Having an abundant (even if not particularly pretty) gene pool would give us a better fighting chance against such rare occurances, so that there will always be survivors no matter what.

I wonder if we will still know what goes on on Earth after we die....

Meteor's View.

My house! Can anyone find it!? Got this from Google Earth, which is just such a cool thing to have! Their maps of Singapore are not fantastic, but I was just SO amazed to see my house right there. No. 7 Llyn Gardens. I think the Llyn should have been Lynn but maybe the developers dunno how to spell, but anyway, just look at what technology can give us man. Does anyone remember Enemy of the State? Soon we'll be able to see birds flying and you and me walking around. Anyway, I guess this is what my house would look like to a meteor just about to enter the Earth. Satellite images if i'm not wrong. Good thing it's a clear sky over here cos half of Singapore is covered by clouds on the map. Go find your house!

Amazing. Just amazing.

1 Year and Counting

5th September was my first year anniversary with Charlotte. We didn't get to talk much cos of our schedules, which seem to be getting more and more out of sync. But i did get to send a nice bouquet of flowers to her, which i haven't seen much of but which supposedly looks great and also looks like a christmas tree. thank God for florists!

but anyway, i was just thinking about anniversaries, and what they all mean. apparently it is something worth celebrating when you pass an annual mark, be it your birthday or your anniversary or what not. some people of course don't celebrate anniversaries. they think it's silly cos why get so excited about having spent one year with someone? seems almost like a testimony for the transience of relationships, doesn't it? well, i guess it's true for me. yes, i always keep telling myself that when i go into a relationship, i'm committed to it forever. but honestly, through this one year, i've almost given up so many times, and we've had so many fights and cold wars and quarrels that it really seemed like time was slowing down for us just to mock us and make life difficult.

then came this one year mark, and although we didn't really get to celebrate it, it is nevertheless a profound moment for me. no matter what i felt before, i'm just so thankful right now that you have loved me exclusively for one whole year, and likewise, i've been given the chance to devote myself to you for this one year. cos no matter how many times we fight, it's still the best feeling in the world to know that there's this place, this freehold property in your heart that's set aside especially for me, so that i may build a cosy little house and live in it for the rest of my life! now it's just a little shack, but don't worry, one day there's going to be a beautiful mansion there with flowers and water and lots of sunshine, and i'll never ever sell this estate to anyone else!

ok maybe the imagery is a little too cutesy, but the point is that anniversaries are not just markers to tell you where you are. they make you look back and think about what has passed, and then squint ahead and guage what is to come. this anniversary has made me realize that things haven't been that bad, that i'm just such a lucky person to have known you and shared all those moments with you, be they happy, sad, restless, or intimate.

there's going to be many more ok?

Closet Skeleton

if skeletons were alive, it'd be SO claustrophobic.

Hunger and Stacks of Cash

the whole time at church today, i was thinking about just how hungry i was. maybe it was the exercise from paintball, but i was so extremely hungry today! ate bread for breakfast, had a bagel at church, and apple juice and orange juice some more. but still hungry! so anyway i don't think i got that much out of the sermon, cos my mind was honestly somewhere else.

but then, come to think of it, my mind is always somewhere else... all this just makes me realize how little i think about God, not to say trust in Him in whatever i do. maybe that's why i find myself in inextricable troubles all the time, maybe that's why happiness seems to elude me.

maybe that's why i feel hungry in church.

there's a pile of money on my table. it's paintball money, and i'm supposed to return it to meng aun in a few days time. one whole stack man. i was doing this sunday school thing for charlotte the other day (about idolatry), and i found this picture of dollar notes on the web as well. dollar notes have this curious ability to ignite the endorphins in many people's brains, sending them flying in crazy directions. even the smell can make people weak in the knees. but you know how like, when you stare at a word for a long time, say um... "LIBRARY", you start to lose track of its pronunciation and it starts to look really weird to you? well, so i was staring at this stack of greenbacks, and suddenly it starts to look really strange. like, how can little pieces of paper be worth so much? it almost feels like someone is playing a colossal joke on all of us, looking at people plotting, hating, killing each other over these little pieces of paper. seems almost surreal.