Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Saw a car today with the license plate SE1X. No I'm not bluffing. I stopped directly behind it cos I couldn't believe my eyes. It's really heartwarming how Singaporeans try.
i just watched windstruck! ok so the ending was so lame it made me want to shut my eyes and imagine my own ending, but still i really really enjoyed the show, if only because sassy girl is just fantastic. it's amazing how she could just pour her heart out into a movie that didn't exactly seem worth the effort. the way she screamed into her walkie talkie for an ambulance while holding her dying bf was so real and so desperate i could almost feel the people beside me reaching for their handphones to dial 911 for her (or 995 in our local context). oh boy the idiot beside me had beautiful ringtones man. real smooth. and it's amazing how his phone has to ring right at the emotive scenes when everything is quiet, just at the moment when everyone's heart is about to tear....

but that's another story. yah back to screaming into walkie talkies. oh yah and the way she called his handphone after he died, and talked to his answering machine....i hate answering machines. i hate it when i so desperately need to talk to you, and all i hear is that same sweet, timid, mildly apologetic voice that i knew and loved so well, those same lines over and over again. sigh....that's why i don't call anymore.

but anyway....

oh and the part i love most about the show is when she stands teary-eyed at the window, and the gust of wind that's myungwoo's spirit blows into the room, lifting up her lustrous hair.... and then the front of her sweater is brushed aside for a long moment revealing the words "Giordano" on her t-shirt underneath. Classic. I really love it when the movie makers try so hard. imagine the poor technician painstakingly adjusting the fan speed, imagine the 20 takes it took to get the sweater flapping the right way at the right time. that's what sponsors are for. to stretch the limits of cinematic ingenuity.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

the only constant in my life seems to be my insatiable thirst for writing. not that i'm prolific, it's just an urge. how often do i just sit here in front of this screen with so many thoughts dashing through my head, and that nagging hunger to open up my heart into this little little space within the vast universe of the internet.

everyone should write songs. i seriously think it's not about talent.... but no one believes me.

haven't written much, but feels like i've gone through an entire novel.
talking is so therapeutic. i can never tell someone that i don't want to talk anymore, because i know the effect it has on me when someone hangs up the phone, or refuses to speak.

don't keep secrets. don't be afraid that people will use your secrets against you. don't keep your heart trapped within your ribcage like a dangerous animal. think about it, what do we have that animals don't? we have language, minds and a decent lifespan of about 70 years.... 70 years to understand this world, to live to the fullest, to enrich the lives of others and be enriched in the process. why keep it to yourself? why wait till you're breathing your last breath to realize that you have so many things to say but no one to say it to, or no strength to utter a sound?

tell us about your life! why do we need to know? why? we don't need to know, we want to. that's all there is.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

after wasting away my afternoon and evening with a string of unimaginably pathetic billiard games, i've decided never to look down on ah bengs again.

Monday, June 21, 2004

My Favourite Addiction

wrote this today, over gunbound and msn and dinner...

My Favourite Addiction
I see you walking in the night
And I'm not putting up a fight
Oh won't you take me
I let you in

I let you inside
But there are shadows in the dark
I think I'm weak I think I'm scared
But I don't care

I see you dancing in my eyes
I feel you tearing up my mind
And then you rock me into sleep
You know I'm crying out inside
But you don't need to sympathise
Oh don't you ever realize
That you're my favourite addiction

But you don't know and you don't care
You close your eyes and I'm not there
I hear your laughter in my dreams
I feel your fire in my sleep

But I'm awake and I'm alone
It's all in vain I know I'm wrong
But I'll keep on trying
I'll keep on lying

I see you running in my head
I feel you turning in my breath
And then you rock me into sleep
You know I'm crying out inside
But you don't need to sympathise
Oh don't you ever realize
That you're my favourite addiction

And I won't stop and I won't cease
You're in my head like some disease
Do I need to find a cure
Or does it matter anymore

You say you need me to survive
You say I'm keeping you alive
But then you leave me out to dry
You know I'm burning up inside
But you don't need to sympathize
Oh don't you ever realize
That you're my favourite addiction
the resolve only lasts about, i dunno, 5 days? then everything breaks down and my mind is reduced to that of a whimpering drug addict, helpless in his craving. yes, i would say it's an addiction, to put it as cruelly to myself as possible. sometimes there's a very real need to destroy what's left of that little sliver of hope, when that hope eats into you like a silent, apologetic, teardrop-eyed killer. but addictions can go either way. they can kill you, or be overcome, thereby making you stronger and more resilient.

all i need is a halfway house, plenty of chains and ropes, and some water. and some patience, till the resolve kicks in again.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

in the distance, the sky descends and touches the earth. everything is two dimensional, and the silhouette of the trees become fragments of darkness that shred the fiery red canvas into little pieces. i stare, and realize that i can actually touch the sky.

if only i drive hard enough.
to A:
don't thank me for helping you. the only reason why i can give you such insightful advice is because i've gone through exactly the same things, just one step ahead of you. trust me, it's not something i'm proud of. why do i get so angry at you? because i'm angry at myself. you wouldn't listen no matter how many times i tell you, but i can't say that i'm any better at listening to my own advice. it's so ironic, that the same problems i've so easily settled for you are screwing up my life right now, it's so ironic because i see you so happy, so proud of having taken my advice and setting your life straight, and i feel like the office sweeper who's life is the inspiration of the bright young scholar, but who is incapable of inspiring himself.

to B:
don't say sorry. the only person who made a mistake was me.... all you did was to show me how vulnerable i am, and there's really nothing wrong in that is there? so don't say sorry. but don't ask me to cheer up, or to brood less, cos you're in no position to do that.

to C:
i'm going to pray real hard that what turned out to be a mistake for me would be the correct decision for you. cos you're so much more vulnerable than me, and what's worse, you don't know it.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

she wants me to write about her dog. let's see. Princess Gabrielle of Applewood Farms. Gabbi. don't call her gabriel, or applewood, or farm for that matter, cos you can't cut it short. it's either Princess Gabrielle of Applewood Farms, or Gabbi, or you just keep quiet and show some respect.

cutest thing on earth-dark chocolate-itty bitty all over-floppy-tennis ball-curls-more curls-cutest thing on earth-can't reach the doorknob-my pillow-she's never ever gonna have sex-fluffy puffy all over-stares up at me-cutest thing on earth.

deep breath.

scratches really hard.
then again, whatever.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

there are two things i want most for my birthday. one, that you'd remember my birthday. two, that you'll not. that's what i'm thinking as i sit in the bus, my mind numb to the droning rumble of the engine... i look at the wallet in my hands and realize with a little start that you gave it to me on my first birthday. and then i remember my second birthday, the birthday you forgot. and i remember myself saying to you, it's ok, it's ok....listening to you crying softly at the other end of the line, wondering which was making my heart hurt more, your tearful words or the disappointment. i go back to the wallet and stare. and imagine that i can see memories inside that dull black surface. and then i really do see. you and i at the beach, with bent twigs in our hands, drawing a picture of a dog and a cat side by side. i see myself wondering what's wrong with the picture, what's missing, and then an idea strikes me. i start walking around it, tracing a slow, deep curve with each step. then i step back and hold your hand as we look at the big heart shape surrounding the two animals.... the heart's a little squashed at the side, but you say it's beautiful and nothing in this world would make me disagree. and then i see us lying in your bed, well, not really. you lying in your bed and me propped on an elbow beside you, watching you sleep. it seems to happen so often.... i'd wake up and find you beside me, and i'd refuse to go back to sleep, not wanting to lose the chance to just look at you, to just touch your face gently with my fingers, because it's during these times that time really does stand still, and nothing else really matters.

and then my wallet returns to its dull black sheen, and i tell myself it's time to stop thinking. i'd rather you forget. even though it's going to break my heart, even though it's going to make me want to cry, i'd rather you forget. i wonder if you are going to read this, and then i stop.... do i really want you to read this? i dunno, guess not. i guess all i really want is for you, when you are tucking yourself into bed, to feel a sudden urge to sneeze. cos like you said, it means someone is thinking of you. and then maybe, for that little moment just before you slip gently into slumber, you'd remember me.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

sprinkle golden starlight into my eyes, just be careful don't blind me, or get anything into my nose, or later sekali i choke then you siao liao.

erm.... why did i say that for....

i am making frens on gunbound.... how sad is that? actually it's not very sad cos there are loads of sadder things in this world, like my mum refusing to buy a new car for me to drive. for example. omg the mazda rx8 is so chio, it's like a 100 ton electrobabemagnet. ever wonder why they call things babe magnets? cos girls have so much metal on them. ok lame.

where is sera? argh. and where is yongchuan? i hate working people cos they can't come out at 11am and play badminton. and i hate busy people cos they make me feel so slack. lots of hatred in this world. but lots of love also! observation: there's a lot more PDA in singapore than in australia. who says asians are conservative? or maybe caucasians just can't be bothered anymore. hmm... ok fullstop.

oh my american friend took a whole 10 minutes to understand what i was trying to say when i said fullstop. i still think fullstop makes a lot more sense than period, but well. it's impossible to convince americans how stupid they are.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

If You Have To

heehee.... i'm in the song writing mood these days.... can just imagine myself 50 years from now with a guitar in my hands playing singing these songs to my grandchildren.... hope i have grandchildren! :)

If you've seen your face in the pale moonlight
If you've seen your smile as I'm holding you tight
If you've seen your eyes looking back into mine
You'll know you're good enough for me

If you've felt your lips in that sweet morning kiss
If you've held your hands said I'll never leave
If you've felt your heart beating right next to mine
You'll know you're good enough for me

So leave if you have to
Pack your life and take it with you
Don't look back if you don't need to
Don't turn around and let me stop you

But if one day you feel that you're not worth a second look
And if one day you feel that you're not good enough for anyone
And if one day you feel that there's no one left to choose
You know you're good enough for me
i'm still jetlagged! comforting to know that tian ai is also suffering the same ailment as me.... then, again, what's wrong with being jetlagged right? going out during the day, can't sleep at night, this is really extending my hours of productive time! :)

do celebrities ever have crushes on their fans?

Friday, June 04, 2004

School's Out

Schools out
Shirt's hanging out
And there's nothing in our way
I can't wait
You've got nothing to trade
So take it all and keep the change
Don't leave me
Don't leave me
And if the sun comes down on us
We'll find our way
If the wind won't let me breathe
You'll take my place
If the rain is pouring in
There's nothing I can do cos we're open
We're open

Kiss me
When nobody's looking
Just checking
They're sleeping
I'm taking her dough
And I'll find my own future
And save some for you
So don't leave me
Don't leave me
Cos if the sun comes down on us
We'll find our way
If the wind won't let me breathe
You'll take my place
If the rain is pouring in
There's nothing we can do cos we're open
We're open

comments! enuff for a song?

Thursday, June 03, 2004

I just found out that there are people who take so much longer to say goodbye, and to forget. That there are people who love so much more, and sacrifice so much more, only to lose everything.

Does it help to know?