Friday, December 16, 2005

cry also no use.

your aeroplane just fly away without you.

yep! cry also no use. cry already will your plane fly back and let you sit? cry already will your gf happy happy come and sayang you? cry already will you don't have to sit here for 3 days and suck thumb?

so don't cry lor. but still sit here suck thumb.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

syriana

yesterday i watched syriana. might as well have stayed home and studied 4th order differential equations or like, maybe stare at blank wall also can.... catch no ball man! i felt like one of those ah bengs who come out of movies and go, Oh, that explosion was cooool! or... Oh, remember how so and so body slam so and so into that freaking wall? cos seriously, my understanding of that movie didn't go very much beyond that level. Some things that stuck to my mind were:

(spoiler alert)


1. fingernail pulling is disgusting.
2. george clooney died... kind of loserish the way he died too.
3. you pay a famous actor enough money and he'll get fat for you.
4. fingernail pulling is disgusting.

Anyway so the movie is about the size and consequences of political agendas, and how easily the US just goes "wth!" and kills everyone (or lets everyone kill themselves). but what is the point of making the movie so complicated that it only reaches out to the most critical and politically aware of audiences? they probably know more than the movie's going to tell them anyway right? just felt that there were so many powerful messages in the movie that just got diluted and confused by the convoluted plot. but then again, maybe the point is that the middle east situation is so complex that a car bomb here, an assassination there doesn't really make any difference...

oh well, whatever it is, it made lydia fall asleep. of course yours truly cannot waste the 8.75USD (oh shit have to paypal someone) and so stayed awake throughout the movie hoping to catch the ball.

but the ball roll away. in the end i don't even know what syriana means!

but it's ok. i'm coming home liao. then can watch the other psychological thrillers like king kong and chicken little.
they don't look very scared leh

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Another poem!

I don't have the words to touch you
I don't have the songs to move you
Cos there's too much to say
And words don't behave when I want them to

And you're wondering why I'm staring
With that silly smile I'm wearing
But don't look away
Cos I'm falling in love with you

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos I'm transparent in your gaze
There's nothing I can hide
While you're in this place

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos you see it in my face
You feel it on my hands
While I'm holding you


.... there's probably more to this song, but it's just not coming to me! help help :P


anyway, on a different note... i'm reading a walk in the woods by bill bryson and it's quite the funny! it's about two (probably unfit) guys trying to negotiate the appalachian trail and having the time of their lives. which pretty much describes what me and mengaun are thinking of doing next semester. we're probably not going to do the appalachian mountains, but it's probably be one of those forest bashing adventure races that are for people very much fitter than the both of us combined. but what the heck right. after my cayuga lake stint, i'm feeling invincible! or rather, i'm confident that nice americans with warm comfy homes will pop out of nowhere when i desperately need them. who knows, i'm sure people live in swamps and dense forests right?

training regiment in singapore will include a little bit of kayaking, a little bit of finding our way around bukit timah (ok maybe more challenging than that) and lots of laksa and hokkien mee! so that when i'm tired and hungry, i can fill my delirious mind with hunger quenching images of me gulping down a bowl of piping hot laksa. yah i like to reverse-psychology myself.

kind of half-heartedly looking for adventuremates as well, so here's some pics from our very own walk in the woods in virginia to entice whoever!

meng aun inviting snide chuckles with hiking pole

virginia team. canuf's backpack substituting for canuf

Friday, December 09, 2005

untitled

i know you're sad
it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

how i long for the times we've shared
when nothing was bitter
when we'd talk for hours
and fascinate each other
with our separate lives

but now our words have gone dry
our apologies laced with salt
with which i rub your wounds
while you tear at mine

and so we cripple ourselves
though we were once whole
and beautiful
our lives woven
into barbed wire fences
which we keep running ourselves into

and it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

i figured i'd stop time
if only for a moment
for us to catch a breath
of each other
and maybe that will sustain us

and so i call you
and tell you i'm sorry
and that i wish i could make it up to you
and that maybe things will get better
once i'm home
and touch becomes once more
something we know

and i know you're trying
but your voice gets so cold
it chills me to the bone
and i'm left with clenched fists

wincing

and wondering why
you shield yourself
against me
but refuse to let me go

Thursday, December 08, 2005

canuf

there are all these ways by which we escape our problems. i wish i had a good way cos i can't seem to do it. those issues that bug me never seem to stop, no matter how much i try to turn away from them.

our capacity to regret makes us much better people than we would otherwise be, but also makes life a lot more painful.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

panos! i love panos!

cayuga lake from taughannock state park or whatever it's called.


lonely yellow tree. it always fascinates me how nature often (cruelly or not) places a lone unique individual among an otherwise homogenous crowd... here, my shadow points an accusatory finger at that little yellow candle flame...

Saturday, November 26, 2005

back finally...

7 miles. that's how far i was from completing my 100mile ride around cayuga lake! well, anyway, this is the 2nd installment of my trip around cayuga lake with me, my backpack and my bicycle. so the first half was really nice, with sun and sand and lake and what not, but on the day i was supposed to head back to cornell, it had started snowing and the temperatures had dropped tremendously. i had no choice though, either pay 50 bucks more to stay another night, or brave the cold wind and snow and just shoot for gold...

right from the start, my right knee problem acted up again, and i basically had to pedal with one leg -- my right leg was just there as an ornament to weigh the right pedal down but for most of the journey, it was useless. only when i took 2 panadols halfway through did i regain any semblance of use for my right leg, and even then it still hurt. the panadols were such a blessing though. i totally forgot about them, even though i remembered to bring my first aid kit with me. only when i prayed to God to take away the pain from my right leg, did i suddenly remember that i actually have panadol somewhere in my backpack! so up on a hill, i washed down two tablets with my gatorade, and life wasn't so meaningless anymore.

but that wasn't the most exciting part. the most exciting part came at 7miles from ithaca, when i finally couldn't feel anything in my fingers or toes anymore. "please don't let any part of me fall off," i prayed. by then i was also totally exhausted cos there wasn't any gas station or ANYTHING along the way, so i had basically ridden about 50miles straight without stopping. the gatorade in my camelbak was frozen, and i had to chew it to get the liquid out.

i kept telling myself to go on, but at the same time i knew that my body was close to its breaking point and even though i had strength left, i was scared to death. i prayed and prayed, and then at myers road on US34b, i saw a house with christmas lights draped outside, and something told me that this is where i'm stopping. it didn't really hit me very hard, and i actually rode on for about 10m before i braked and made the U-turn that most likely saved my life. i knocked on the door, and this huge man in white opened it, and immediately welcomed me inside. his wife made me a basin of warm water which actually almost burnt me when i put my hands in (i was THAT frozen). then, because they were going to start thanksgiving dinner, they gave me a large portion of it -- the first thanksgiving dinner i ever had. baked potato, turkey, long beans, some fruity salady thing, fastastic pumpkin pie, milk, wine (from Lucas Vineyards), eggnog and some really sweet jelly concoction, all courtesy of Marsha (the mum).

and to cap it off, Bill (the dad) threw my bike in the back of his truck and drove me all the way to my doorstep. and i only wanted to warm myself up for a while.

yes, i'm disappointed that i didn't finish, but only a little. after all, i traded 7 miles of cycling in the bitter cold for the wonderful knowledge that God is always there, watching and guiding my hands. and that his children live in houses where closed doors don't exist. Marsha said to me, "We're just so grateful that you decided to visit us." Well, i'm going to visit them again, with a big bottle of wine, and a big THANK YOU written all over my heart.

this was my first Thanksgiving, and i already know why they celebrate it.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

in the middle of nowhere....


well, not exactly :) i'm actually in seneca falls, after a long and arduous journey up cayuga lake, which i have to repeat tomorrow except in the opposite direction. According to mapquest, it was about 43miles, but of course that's for drivers. For cyclists, it's a different story -- up and down, up and down, and when your headlights stop working just half an hour into nightfall, 10 miles can feel like you're marathoning across the United States. For whoever cares to know, my right knee is killing me, and i hope for my sake that tomorrow i will wake up perfectly fine and ready to rumble again! for the record, i drank 2 litres of gatorade, ate 2 power bars, and peed near someone's yard cos i just couldn't take it. i mean, 2 litres.... yah that was just about all the bodily interactions i had with my environment on the trip. i forgot to have lunch, or breakfast, so i must say it was really an achievement! of course, after reaching microtel inn at seneca falls, i limped across the street to the New Chinese Buffet (or something with a similar sounding name) and ate more than i ever did in my entire life (except in BMT)!

well, i must say that this half of the trip has really taught me much about thanksgiving. it's now 7 min to thanksgiving, and i know i have tons and tons to give thanks for! about 3/4 into this leg of the journey, my ipod ran out of battery, my headlights soon after, and i was seriously afraid for my life. you know how when you have avril lavigne blasting into your ear, issues mostly just fade away, but all i could hear was the waves of cayuga lake lapping at the shore, and trucks screaming by. Thank God for rear lights. it was really comforting to see the cars passing me in the middle of the road, instead of right beside me!

the stars were beautiful. i was passing by a farm and somehow i just looked up, and there were these wonderful constellations high above me. i know it probably wasn't wise to ride a bicycle while looking up at stars, but whatever i'm still alive. (oh yah another thing to be thankful for!) but yah, beautiful beautiful beautiful. reminds me of battlestar galactica actually, that episode where they looked up at this space portal thingy and saw the twelve constellations... yah i know how it's science fiction with Mormon inclinations, but i like that show!

i also like someone. sometimes, when all your energy is spent quarrelling and worrying and being upset/jealous/angry etc, it's hard to imagine being in love. but i am. and out there, in the quiet (ok maybe not so quiet) of the night, with nothing around me that could occupy my attention (thank God for broken headlights), i felt, deep in my heart, that i just want to be with you. it didn't matter where, just as long as you're beside me. even with my legs hurting and my toes and fingers freezing, how nice would it be to just have you nearby! that if i were to speak, my words will have a soft and gentle spot to land... and if i were to sing, my voice will not just float away into the emptiness around me.... and there would be no emptiness around me.

you don't always have to go on a trip with people for it to be meaningful. a trip on your own can sometimes take your mind to places where it is supposed to go, places where it usually just skirts around, afraid to enter. it makes you look inside yourself because it is the only place you can really see, when dusk is falling and the world is just a grey, transient blur. being alone makes you yearn for company -- company that, when present, is often overlooked and taken for granted.

this is my first time having a hotel room to myself i think.... i wish i had a book to read. :)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Life is like a box

it all depends on which way you hold it.

Keep it upright, and it fills up, hold it the other way round, and it empties itself out. Open it and it's all about the inside. Close it and people only see the container. Close it and it's all dark inside.

When you're born, they put you in a box. When you're dead, they put you in a box.


If you put chocolates in the box, life becomes a box of chocolates.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I don't want to

do the things that my heart warns me against, time and time again

have no peace even when i close my eyes

grab at nothing

fall short

be short

feel anger boiling inside

lie

be a hypocrite

make empty promises

stop creating

ever have to cease knowing the overwhelming feeling of lightness, in my dreams, in my waking imagination

land with more impact than is absolutely necessary

forget to be thankful for prayers answered

forget that all prayers are answered

Monday, October 17, 2005

Freeze-time

Somewhere near the summit of old rag mountain are 4 intrepid explorers who pause for a moment to reflect on their journey.

They are, from left -- Priska, Meng Aun, Cindy and Canuf's Bag.

Misery

what happens when someone tells you how miserable his/her life is? does it get you down too? does it make you feel lucky that yours isn't as miserable? does it make you morbidly ashamed that life is treating you too well? does it make you afraid that things won't stay rosy for long? does it make you pity? does it make you look down in disdain?

how do you convince someone who's miserable that God loves all of us?

how do you convince yourself after that?

misery is a frightful thing. no one looks forward to misery.

misery is addictive.

misery is contagious. it feeds on you until you pass it to someone else.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Virginia!

for 3 years, i've seen that lone tree in arts quad turn red before any other tree. i guess it has been doing that for its entire life right? lynn tells us that she'd like to be like that tree. i don't know man...

cos it's also the first to go bare.


i am going to virginia! climb mountains. i want to look down from the top, and praise God for what he has created just for us. I want to feel the weight of the earth under me, and imagine the Earth's crust straining deep beneath those layers. I want to be healed. I want to feel my body working. I want to let go of my mind, to let it expand, reaching out into where nothing can keep it bound.

I want to feel water running down my throat, and be thankful for its taste. I want to experience trees without a rifle clutched in my hands. i want to live.


what if you were a rock, perched precariously at a ledge on a great mountain... which would impact you more, the fact that you're right up there above the clouds, or the fact that very soon, a gust of wind or a slight movement of the Earth would send you all the way down, probably reaching the base in much more than a single piece?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Don't Let Me Go

Too many times
We let ourselves wonder
If we can find a place
Less miserable than here

Too many times
We let ourselves go under
All the weight of the fury
That’s heaped onto us

Then something snaps
And there’s a taxi by the sidewalk
To take us where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

Out in the streets
I run into your mother
She asks me what the hell I’m doing
Here outside of your world

I said well, something snapped
And there’s that taxi by the sidewalk
To take me where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

So don’t you cry
Cos I’ll change my mind
And we’ll just act
Like nothing happened

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

sculpture 101

how do you make yourself feel adequate when you've just done something that's just SO dumb? do you just forget about it? damn i always get unsettled by such things, like i feel i have to make up for it, even though the situation's over and there's really nothing i can do about anything...


oh well, i've decided again that art is fun. after 3 years of architecture, it's really refreshing to be able to just talk about your ideas without people telling you, "no this doesn't work. you're not thinking." ri guess one of the differences between artists and architects is the idea of experience. in architecture, there's knowledge that can be accumulated, that can give people a sense of whether something is better than the other. of course it's true for technical skills in art, but in terms of creativity, everything is a new experience. because art stimulates the observer in a much greater variety of ways -- you're not restricted by having to consider function, feasibility, sustainability and all those other things. the ideal observer approaches art with a fresh mind, making personal connections, interpretations and letting himself be affected by the artwork. we find meaning in lots of different things. you can't do that with architecture, cos architecture always has to have that primary role of function and program.

so therefore, art is fun. it's definitely is very much that mechanism for release that it's so well known for.

I jump

I jump.
You jump.
Together, we might create resonance, depending on circumstances.

I wait.
You wait.
We grow old.

I psychoanalyse
You. Psychoanalyse
Me.

There's a bridge nearby that we could cross
Provided we're crossing from the same side
And you're following behind me

Or vice versa.

Sometimes we're like binary stars.
Always revolving around each other
But never collapsing into the centre
Until the fuel runs out.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The matter with time....

when you're a geologist, or a student studying geology, one of the things that mess you up is the immense timescale you're working on. millions of years ago become abbreviated to mya, like oh, this sediment was deposited 375mya. doesn't seem like much does it? and then you fast forward and rewind so rapidly through time that Earth's entire life could almost be happening on a single dvd.

and then people around you, those whom you love and those whom you wish you loved more, start to disappear, and all of a sudden you're brought back into that uncomfortable little time zone of less than a century. you become that little blip in time, so insignificant and so significant at the same time. because that little blip is your entire existence, and it's surrounded by so many other blips for whom this time zone is their entire existences as well.

don't ever terminate your existence out of spite. cos the last thought that flashes through your mind will be, "will it even matter?" and then you'll be gone.

don't live each day as if it were your last, cos you won't even feel like doing anything. i guess live each day as if it were the first day in the last month of your life.

just before we die, there's always (i suppose) that moment of clarity, when you realize that selfish thoughts don't really matter anymore, and that you now have, all of a sudden, an infinite capacity to give. don't wait till then to start giving, cos it's not easy while you're bedridden.

don't leave me... cos i haven't looked at you enough. and all the other things as well.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

the last rays

notes about light:

1. we are opaque, and therefore cast shadows.

2. we are sometimes pretty deliberate about where our shadows fall

3. light and truth coexist until a certain threshold.

4. we are what is reflected off us.

5. the sun is at its most beautiful (and most tolerable) the instant before it disappears beyond the horizon.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

When two worlds collide

Juxtaposition.

i hate it.

cos it makes me feel small.

and cos there's nowhere to hide.

Friday, September 16, 2005

I Went Into The Sail


i went into the sail of my ship
to see if there was anything
inside

i scaled the mast
across flat contours that glistened in the sunset
where the peaks and valleys were but
incriptions of time

then i stretched myself thin
and like a film of paint
smeared myself
across the canvas

i found out
that even at the scale of oceans
the view from above is very much unalike
the view from the deck

crashing waves seem less frightening
like choreographed theatrics
but the swaying hurt
and i was always falling

i felt the weight
not on my shoulders
but upon my entire being
i become the medium

i was whipped on my back
giant flat lashes
but the space before me was always inviting
(or was it the other way round?)

i become the medium
the boundary that is never breached
solid and yet
forever in flux

i see the future
i see the past
and in the x axis i become infinitely small

and yet i am majestic
i am the crown
the deck below me disappears
into the rippling surface

while the ship cuts into the ocean like a knife
i slice into the wind
no matter how floundering i may be
without

and then i discover
that what shapes us
isn't our skin
but those other, less visible things

like hope.
and dreams.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Contemplation of Silly Thoughts at Unsuitable Times

Often, when i'm so caught up in the rush of things that I start to suffocate, I get this thought: What am I about? Is my whole life just about me, with everyone and everything revolving around me like some kind of individual simulation, or am I just a little blip in the grander scheme of things? Do you ever think of that? Like when someone enters your life for a brief moment, makes an extra-ordinary impact and then disappears, doesn't it feel like the person was put there just for you? That's a pretty romantic notion, but it carries that scary thought, which is that I (or the individual being) am alone in this universe. The only real thing. Of course, these thoughts are on pretty extreme paradimes. Could it not be that we all exist, but our paths are being controlled by an unknown force, as if we were little metal cars on a table, dragged along invisible paths by horseshoe magnets underneath?

But then often too, I stop and assure myself that we are all God's children, put here on the Earth to live our lives out before that next big stage; that we have free will; that the Earth, and all the chance occurences in our lives are but mindless variables that we have to work our lives around, being often too little to make any decisive changes in the stubborn course of things; that everyone is real and everyone is an individual, but at the same time we're all supporting characters or extras in the life of someone else.

I also wonder sometimes, with all these intermarriages going on, whether we'll all look alike one day. Not alike as in ALIKE, but you know, having the same skin tones, the same general facial contours and all. I guess so lah, since the distinctions between races was probably brought about during the great continental break up during the Triassic(?) period where the supercontinent Pangaea ruptured, tearing North America apart from Europe (among other things). Even when human beings started migrating again, societal pressures continued to keep the races (and colours especially) segregated. Now of course, with people relocating on every part of the world with the help of modern transportation, and with mixed offspring often looking more beautiful than purebloods, we are finally mixing like nobody's business.

But why, say, were Africans and other equatorial races so dark? Was it extra melanin to cope with the brilliant sunlight? Or was it just random mutations that are propogated by cultural preferences? The Europeans went into the pale fad, while the Africans decided that the richer your colour, the more mate worthy you are?

I think also that the advance of medicine now makes human evolution a tricky business. Of course, the survival of the fittest still occurs at different levels, but people with defective genes still reach child bearing age and prolong the lifespan of their DNA. To many, this process keeps the defective genes alive through generations, and may well be the cause of the rising cancer incidence, since cancer is often an inherited curse. However, I now believe that what medicine does is to keep alive the vary varied gene pool we now must have due to the lack of natural selection. This prevents us from being so specialized for survival in our environments that we might one day be totally wiped out by some rare disease (like Aids and other stuff). Having an abundant (even if not particularly pretty) gene pool would give us a better fighting chance against such rare occurances, so that there will always be survivors no matter what.

I wonder if we will still know what goes on on Earth after we die....

Friday, September 09, 2005

Meteor's View.


My house! Can anyone find it!? Got this from Google Earth, which is just such a cool thing to have! Their maps of Singapore are not fantastic, but I was just SO amazed to see my house right there. No. 7 Llyn Gardens. I think the Llyn should have been Lynn but maybe the developers dunno how to spell, but anyway, just look at what technology can give us man. Does anyone remember Enemy of the State? Soon we'll be able to see birds flying and you and me walking around. Anyway, I guess this is what my house would look like to a meteor just about to enter the Earth. Satellite images if i'm not wrong. Good thing it's a clear sky over here cos half of Singapore is covered by clouds on the map. Go find your house!

Amazing. Just amazing.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

1 Year and Counting

5th September was my first year anniversary with Charlotte. We didn't get to talk much cos of our schedules, which seem to be getting more and more out of sync. But i did get to send a nice bouquet of flowers to her, which i haven't seen much of but which supposedly looks great and also looks like a christmas tree. thank God for florists!

but anyway, i was just thinking about anniversaries, and what they all mean. apparently it is something worth celebrating when you pass an annual mark, be it your birthday or your anniversary or what not. some people of course don't celebrate anniversaries. they think it's silly cos why get so excited about having spent one year with someone? seems almost like a testimony for the transience of relationships, doesn't it? well, i guess it's true for me. yes, i always keep telling myself that when i go into a relationship, i'm committed to it forever. but honestly, through this one year, i've almost given up so many times, and we've had so many fights and cold wars and quarrels that it really seemed like time was slowing down for us just to mock us and make life difficult.

then came this one year mark, and although we didn't really get to celebrate it, it is nevertheless a profound moment for me. no matter what i felt before, i'm just so thankful right now that you have loved me exclusively for one whole year, and likewise, i've been given the chance to devote myself to you for this one year. cos no matter how many times we fight, it's still the best feeling in the world to know that there's this place, this freehold property in your heart that's set aside especially for me, so that i may build a cosy little house and live in it for the rest of my life! now it's just a little shack, but don't worry, one day there's going to be a beautiful mansion there with flowers and water and lots of sunshine, and i'll never ever sell this estate to anyone else!

ok maybe the imagery is a little too cutesy, but the point is that anniversaries are not just markers to tell you where you are. they make you look back and think about what has passed, and then squint ahead and guage what is to come. this anniversary has made me realize that things haven't been that bad, that i'm just such a lucky person to have known you and shared all those moments with you, be they happy, sad, restless, or intimate.

there's going to be many more ok?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Monday, September 05, 2005

Hunger and Stacks of Cash

the whole time at church today, i was thinking about just how hungry i was. maybe it was the exercise from paintball, but i was so extremely hungry today! ate bread for breakfast, had a bagel at church, and apple juice and orange juice some more. but still hungry! so anyway i don't think i got that much out of the sermon, cos my mind was honestly somewhere else.

but then, come to think of it, my mind is always somewhere else... all this just makes me realize how little i think about God, not to say trust in Him in whatever i do. maybe that's why i find myself in inextricable troubles all the time, maybe that's why happiness seems to elude me.

maybe that's why i feel hungry in church.

there's a pile of money on my table. it's paintball money, and i'm supposed to return it to meng aun in a few days time. one whole stack man. i was doing this sunday school thing for charlotte the other day (about idolatry), and i found this picture of dollar notes on the web as well. dollar notes have this curious ability to ignite the endorphins in many people's brains, sending them flying in crazy directions. even the smell can make people weak in the knees. but you know how like, when you stare at a word for a long time, say um... "LIBRARY", you start to lose track of its pronunciation and it starts to look really weird to you? well, so i was staring at this stack of greenbacks, and suddenly it starts to look really strange. like, how can little pieces of paper be worth so much? it almost feels like someone is playing a colossal joke on all of us, looking at people plotting, hating, killing each other over these little pieces of paper. seems almost surreal.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The price of love

It's CNY in Cornell! haha my mum, being like all other scholar mums, has once again loaded my luggage with delicious chinese new year goodies for my fall semester! got pineapple tarts and my faviourite BA KUA!!

it's still in my luggage though, will take out later to cut into little bite sized strips for me and my wonderful housemates who dunno how to also bring new year goodies to share. haha no lah kidding. don't bring don't bring lor, i can eat my ba kua i happy liao.

anyway the pineapple tarts almost finished liao lah. down here in Cornell, pineapple tarts are like little testimonies of 母爱 (mummylove), as are other things like po chye pills (for diarrhoea) and other traditional chinese goodies. of course, there's not only 母爱. there's also the "ah-ma 爱" (grannylove) and the "宝贝爱" (baobeilove), all of which contribute to many other food types like kit kat, milo satchets, sauces, instant noodles. and mooncakes!

which brings me to the conclusion that love is very fattening. love can, however, be burnt off by a determined regime of pull ups, soccer games and visits to the gym.

Friday, August 26, 2005

haha this is like the dunno-how-manyth time i'm saying this, but, "I'M BACK!"

just got back to school finally, dunno whether to be happy or not. my journey back here was horrendous, for starters. the airplane food was nauseating, the longer leg of the flight had no personal entertainment thingy, and for that flight too, there wasn't a single air stewardess. not that it was a totally bad thing lah, cos there were 4 air stewards. the two who were in charge of my aisle were pretty effeminate, and were an interesting sight to behold. esp the way one of them closed the overhead compartments. wah. of course, i'm not saying this to ridicule or anything, cos it's not like i'm extremely hunky or masculine either, in fact i think the feminine nature is a lot more attractive than the masculine (haha dunno if that's a duh comment or not). really, i can't think of anything very cool about being male. i mean, just think of male fashion: the only real variations are length of sleeves and colour, and maybe thickness of material. whereas girls have such a wonderful spectrum of attire to choose from! they can even pull of male clothes! it's just unfair lah i think, that society has decreed the male gender to be utterly boring.

but anyway, the good thing about being back here is the weather! i really dunno how i'm ever going to survive in singapore when i'm going to have to start wearing long sleeved shirts to work man. and tie summor.... wear t-shirt already want to concuss already! anyway it's really beautiful now in ithaca, though i guess the temperature is going to start plummeting soon. nevermind though, cos it's still good now!

played a bit of gunbound back in singapore, just before i came over. my little sis made me download it in exchange for her doing her work, and i ended up playing matches for her cos she was shooting all over the place. anyway i realized that everyone there is still as vulgar, and also that my skills haven't changed a bit! i'm still stuck at slightly above average, which, i guess, was quite reassuring. but because of that, i very soon got bored again cos i wasn't getting anywhere, and so gunbound is now out of my life once more. :)

ok have to go for structures TA meeting now! will update real soon!

Monday, July 25, 2005

played beach volleyball today! note to self: never take an afternoon nap before volleyball.

wah my reflexes so blardy slow today man.... my brain is probably still playing the game right now. gosh, i need training, i need miss poon to make me run around the track 5 times so that i can get my idea straight! but it was fun still... great weather today for sand court! i kept digging my feet into the sand just to prove to myself that summer was finally treating us well.... hopefully this spell of good weather will attach itself to me when i return to our SUNNY ISLAND SET IN THE SEA!

ok qn. is that line refer to the sunset context, or did it mean something like setting a diamond onto a ring? i remember being very perplexed as a child, that our sunny island would be setting/sinking slowly into the sea, sending crabs and prawns swimming past our front door. i was pretty safe then tho, cos i lived at the fourth floor!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

When I'm Tired

New song! i really need to record all these soon man, before i forget everything...

When I'm Tired

Take me
To a place where night falls early
A place where moonlight blankets our minds
And steals the day away

Hold my hand
And walk me through this maze of thorns
That surrounds my heart with quiet wounds
And steal my breath away

Find me
When with my eyes I cannot see
When shadows try to reach me
Take me far away

Want me
For there's nothing else that pleases me
More than giving you my every song
My every hope
My every dream

thoughts about architecture...

what is a membrane? ok... first passes at the word conjure up images of thin, transparent sheets, flexible, elastic. the transparency varies of course. ok here's what i got from wikipedia.

A membrane is a thin, typically planar structure or material that separates two environments. Because it sits between environments or phases and has a finite volume, it can be referred to as an interphase rather than an interface. Membranes selectively control mass transport between the phases or environments.

selectively controlling mass transport. biological membranes are generally semi permeable, letting in some molecules but not others. some components of these membranes also change the properties of things passing through.

what can architectural membranes filter? light? people? but why would there be a need for separation? maybe the membrane is two sided. discovery. translucency is a mechanism for enticement. but how do we get through? if gaps were so big that individuals could fit through, would we still recognise a membrane? unless of course the scale of the environment is proportionally increased, to a point where we can imagine ourselves to be little molecules in a giant cell. what if a membrane could give way? movable screens, flaps, could membranes be immaterial? like, what if it's a mesh of light or laser rays, that form a visual boundary but not a physical one? i'll have to test that out i suppose. of course if we think of a visual barrier, it would lead us to the other senses as well. what about a barrier of sound? white noise that increases towards a particular area, which then becomes the boundary. that boundary would then give a sense of discomfort, or disorientation, or it wouldn't be a barrier would it?

ok so what if we can't pass through... maybe the surface could be flexible or pliable, but nevertheless impenetrable. some laboratories or workshops have gloves attached to screens or panels that you can use to handle object across the barrier, but which keep you from being directly exposed to the contents beyond. could have applications in museums right? i recall that when i went to the MoMA, there were guards all over, tall, dark, suited monsters that screamed at you not to touch that chair, or that kettle, etc.. what if there was a whole gallery of touchable displays that are nevertheless sealed off from tarnishing or contamination? of course, we'd still need security cameras. can glass be considered a membrane? i don't think so. i think a membrane has to yield somehow, and not only to light and sound.

damn, so much to think about, so little time.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

sad thing about this world is -- there's always one more thing you can do before you start doing work...

anyway, because i hardly did any work today, there's nothing much to talk about. summer's supposed to be fun man! where's the fun!? oh oh remember liao. watched shaman king today with my summer housemates. damn fun. i realize that there's a lot of pleasure to be derived from having 4 people crowding around a tiny laptop and groaning/shouting/laughing etc at the characters on the screen.... sometimes even better than watching movie! plus no need to pay 8.75 as long as bit torrent is still alive and well. so yah this shaman king series is an anime about little kids who can summon spirits, and we've just reached the climactic last 8 episodes. really wanted to finish watching, but i'm glad i stopped cos or else i'll never finish any work!

so yah, talking about movies... heard singapore's cinema prices are creeping closer and closer to the 2 digit mark! so weird, not as if the cinema screens are getting better, or the seats are getting softer....but then again i'm in NY so i dunno.... who knows right, maybe they have waitresses going around the cinema to serve people food liao....

"excuse me sir, do you want drink?"
"ok wait first ah i see finish this part...."
"oui! sit down can or not! your tray blocking my face!"

actually it might be a good thing to have waitresses/waitors moving around... then all those pirates can't film properly liao.... but then again that might not be such a good thing, come to think of it.

i think animes are so cool....you can almost feel the creative juices of the artists and writers solidifying in front of you....it's really amazing how the cartoon medium allows for so much freedom, and those jap folks really throw in everything they've got! and japanese is such a cute language! esp if you don't know what the heck those people are talking about.... :)

currently addicted to this game called ohm busters, one of those music games where those little bars drop down from the top of the screen and you have to hit the correct key when it reaches the bottom. damn fun... parents should let their kids play this man, confirm they'll be damn good at piano after that. james is like the champion lor.... i can't even follow him when he plays the game... yizhuan just press all the keys at once, hoping that something will hit. but everyone should try... it gives you the most wonderful headache after that... along with the feeling that everything around you is moving upwards. cheap way of getting drunk, without having to get drunk :)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

i just wrote another song! wow... i'm in a song writing mood lately. this is way brighter than the song about fanatics i wrote a few days ago though, so violent people don't be disappointed ok?

title is I Love Charlotte Very Much

and it goes like this:

I'm looking at you
Looking at me
Wondering what it is that you see
Wondering what exactly you found in me


Cos
if I were you
I'd go find someone new
Someone with money
Or someone with shoes
If I were you I wouldn't be stuck with me

But since you're here
Well there's nothing to fear
Cos I'm just a boy
And you're not a beer
And I'm sure you'll be happy
Cos I've always been happy with me

And we'll grow old together
Like mold on a loaf
Till we're covered in spores
Or turned into toast
But I'll never let anything take you away from me

And one day you'll find
That songs stop to rhyme
And guitars are on sale for a nickel or a dime
And i hope you'll be glad for this song in your memory

It goes
Kenneth and Charlotte sitting on a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Are you M-I-S-S-I-N-G
Me?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

eh? oh i'm still here! haha just finished one round of blog stalking.... read on mrbrown that nkf having this little 1 on 1 with sph. sounds cool man. next up, lky v lhl! ok nobody knows what that means right.... anyway, it's kinda sad that my knowledge of current affairs in singapore is limited to the little bits and pieces i read from other peoples' blogs. you know, if only Straits Times didn't decide to charge us kiam siap singaporeans for the Interactive, then.... actually no difference also. want me to read news must stuff in front of my face with accompanying death threat or else forget it. and if anyone from temasek holdings reads this, i'm just joking ok. no need to take everything seriously wan. i am actually very good at current affairs. i just don't like to tell people about it.

ok really back to work.
woohoo! taking a little break from architecture to do a little bit of slacking! i mean blogging....

anyway had an epiphany today: cornell architects have this little tradition of throwing toilet paper on top of the trees in arts quad, the night before Dragon Day. i've just realized how unknowingly cruel this is.... not only for the engineers who have to endure one whole day without toilet paper, but think of it. imagine you're a tree. some guy chops down the tree next to you, grinds it up into powder, then processes it into rolls of flimsy white paper that is then gleefully draped all over you.

or say imagine you're a pet mink, whose owner has just graciously bought you a cute little mink coat for the winter. warm and cosy under the skin of a (hopefully) distant relative.

or say....

ok enough morbidity for the day -- must be all the glycerin fumes i inhaled today man.

anyway lots of pre froshes in the freshie studio today. i've also realized that the older you get, the less time you spend in the studio. might not be a good thing.

Monday, July 11, 2005

i've realized that the longer scars stay on you, the less they seem like scars, and the more they become just marks on your skin, things that make all of us unique. well, of course that's only until people start pointing their fingers and giving you stares.

i've also realized that there are so many places to hide in cyberspace. man's 21st century solution to overpopulation.

If It Ain't Too Much Trouble

There is a song
Someone sang for me
Pierces through my heart
It brings me to my knees

And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

There is this face
At the back of my mind
It's black and white
It's yellowing with time

And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

There is this room
It's built for two
It's waiting for me
And it's waiting for you
And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Ode To The Fanatics

Ode to the fanatics

Oh won't you come and take a look
At all those lives your vengeance took
Oh won't you come see for yourself
And if you're sorry please don't tell...

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't close your eyes in the night

Will the righteous lift the stone
And cast it gently upon your throne
And if it cracks don't say a word
In case the others haven't heard

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't close your eyes in the night

Do i know you
Have i seen you
Have i held your hands
Or kissed you

Do i miss you
When you're leaving
Do i wait for you
When you're drowning

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't fall asleep in the night
you know what gives me a headache? maths. and wondering what goes on inside the minds of terrorists, like the ones who bombed the london subway just a few days ago. i guess if you're fighting a war, it's both about self preservation and self gain, and so *mian qiang* still can get away with it. but killing innocent people for the sake of a principle? oh well... i guess rationality doesn't apply in the mind of a terrorist. or on the other hand, maybe its that warped, sinister kind of rationality that drives them to commit such horrific acts... anyhow, my heart goes out not only to the victims and their families, but to this poor society that we live in, which day by day grows increasingly numb to the violence and hatred that threatens to pervade this entire planet.

i've got this national geographic map beside me, and looking at it, i'm just amazed at how intricate it is, filled with coloured border lines, textured terrain, cities, states, capitals, wind directions, currents.... such a beautiful piece of art. and zooming into the island of Great Britain, you'd never guess that somewhere within that small pinkish region lie torn-up bodies, broken hearts, and a community reeling in shock. and a bunch of tortured minds dark as sin.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

to be misunderstood is to have your intentions or words misread by someone. it's horrible when that someone is a person you love and care about with all your heart. but there's something worse than being misunderstood. it's the pain of being perfectly understood, and yet being refuted and trodden down as if your words are trash, as if they have no consequence in the scheme of things.

if you were a lieutenant leading your soldiers into the jungle, and got ambushed, at least you can die knowing that if you had fought face to face with the enemy, you might have given him something to think about. but if you were facing your enemy and he promptly felled you with nothing more than a snigger of dismissal, then there isn't even room for any regrets or what ifs. you know you're beaten without anyone having to break a sweat, just like that. trodden all over, left for the crows.

i know now why my parents get angry with me. because good intentions are like little coupons to life -- they can buy happiness, or they can be torn up and thrown into the wind, to be lost forever. and very often, good intentions come with a price.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

to my housemates yongchuan, sera and lydia:

i love you guys!

why? because you all eat so little! wah today is monday and our groceries are almost gone... for those of you who don't know, my summer housemates are all guys and hence we eat 3 cups of rice everyday (which isn't really enough actually) plus lots of other stuff that always seem to disappear all too soon!

so please come back my dearest housemates, i miss all of youuuuuu!!!! plus i'm broke.

sera i want an update. oh many thanks to you and lydia for the bday card! wheee.... and to my dearest harmoc friends too... haha sorry i haven't been talking to anyone recently.... no excuses lah actually, but i hope everyone is doing well! val and yilin and julie, when are you guys going to actually start work? must save up dim sum dollies for me to come back and watch with you guys ok? and wq, hope you're still as fit as ever! i can't wait to return home actually.... can't imagine spending more than one year away from home....

oh major realization: all parents talk the same way to their kids, and all grandparents (esp grandmothers) talk the same way too! eg. (mum) cook for you still must beg you to come and eat dinner! (dad) listen to your mum lah (grandmother) boy come and eat... food is getting cold liao, cold then not nice liao.... come come... good boy...

i want to be a grandparent! can be cute and nice and be loved by all your grandkids... so fun! new year can give ang pao sommore....

okies enuff for now... tata!

Monday, June 27, 2005

just last week i saw what my sister wrote about my dad, and it honestly made me tear up... it wasn't just another touching article about family -- it made me realize just how much i let what's happening around me draw my attention away from the people who are the most important in my life. so in mitigation, and in the light of the weather being too hot to do homework in, i will write this little essay:

my sister

my sister will be 22 years old 4 days from now. her name is jasmin, without the e behind cos my parents wanted to be hip and happening, just like not putting our chinese names in our birth certs. she just graduated from UPenn, and is in MIT doing a 2 year masters course in one year. She was in the national netball team before college got the best of her favourite sport, but while in college became the president of the upenn ssa, worked 2 jobs, got attached, broke up, got attached again, got into badminton and basketball teams, found God, got an econs prize, etc etc.

my earliest memory of my sister was when she bit me on the arm when i was 3. according to my grandmother (who remembers everything about her grandchildren), i was playing with this cute penguin game where the penguins would go up this escalator and then slide down -- very fascinating for a 3-year-old. my sister, meanwhile, fascinated herself with plucking the penguins off everytime they reached the top of the escalator. That didn't sit very well with me, and soon the little competition for the future of the penguin colony escalated into a battle that ended with my arm being bitten, and all questions of physical superiority answered.

we used to have a sticker book each. my sister, being a girl, naturally had more (and nicer) stickers than me. when things went well, we would trade stickers. when things didn't, she would say "i take back my stickers ah" to quell any hint of resistance.

my sister is one year younger than me. which means that for the first 18 years of our lives, she got all the precious testpapers, sample essays, completed homeworks, not-to-be-made-again mistakes that any competitive schoolkid would kill for. and consquently did a little better than me in school every single year.

we fought all the time. over:

who gets the front seat in the car
who gets to practice piano first
who has to play piano first when the dreaded piano teacher comes (i still have nightmares)
lights-out timing
story endings when we played acting games (one of the most hotly contested events in our growing-up years)
which channel to watch
which station to listen to
who changes the bedsheets
who hangs the clothes
who gets to use the internet (parents, please please buy two computers, or three if you have 3 kids, even if it's going to kill you)
and many more....

...and for half my life, i hated her with a vengeance.

when we locked ourselves in the car boot (ok don't laugh) when i was in primary 3, i comforted her while she sobbed and said we were all going to die.

when my parents ran into car trouble halfway up to loch ness with no clue where we were, the two of us played alphabet games to distract ourselves.

when one of my relatives came to our house to kick up a fuss, we hid in our bedroom and read the Illustrated Bible for Children, not because we were Christians then, but because it was me and her reading the Illustrated Bible for Children, in our room, with the door locked.

when i fell sick, she would put cold towel on my head for me. and vice versa.

in rjc, during the study break, when i got distracted and went off to play volleyball, she would shake her head and go "kor, study lah..." How not to feel guilty right?

when her a level results were going to come out, had no appetite for lunch.

when i broke up with kay, not once was she too busy to talk to me. vice versa.

she's been telling her friends that i'm the best brother in the world.

i've been telling my friends that she's the best sister in the world, and nothing will ever change my mind.

someone told me just recently that her friend from upenn told her that jasmin is very nice and down to earth. i couldn't agree more. she's the humblest person i know, besides my parents. she is also more highly achieving than anyone i know personally. my friends would shake their heads and go, "how can she do all these things and still have time to watch nba?"

whenever she messages me on msn and says, "kor i'm very sad..." i feel like the luckiest person in the world, not because i'm not very sad, but because i see a chance to make that tiny difference in her life, to do what a good brother ought to do.

just like she has done for me for my entire life.

there are many things i thank God for. today i thank Him for a friend, an enemy, a competitor, a comfort, a confidante, a partner, an advisor, and a very, very wonderful young lady.

























proud! and jealous too :P



p.s. mummy now your turn to write for me! haha :P

Friday, June 24, 2005

so what if i haven't been blogging for one month? doesn't mean that i'll never blog again right? haha ok so i'm back after my 40-day hiatus. been heluva ride man... guess i should have blogged a bit about the vacation i took with charlotte, but it's far too late now... that's what happens when i enjoy myself too much -- i forget about the rest of the world... but no matter, now i'm back with a vengeance!

went to my professor's house with a bunch of friends to celebrate summer solstice. for those of you who don't know, summer solstice is the day when the sun ba long long (takes its own blardy sweet time to) go down, hence giving us the longest day in the year. but the amazing thing wasn't actually the tremendous amount of sunlight that we got. on the other hand, we journeyed to our prof's house to witness the most beautiful moonrise i've seen in my ENTIRE life. actually, i've never ever seen a moonrise in my entire life! so anyway, it was beautiful. we were just getting impatient when suddenly, from across Cayuga Lake, the moon appeared right between Sibley Dome and the McGraw Tower. It was red. have i ever seen a red moon in my life? NO. i was like, OMG. that's why scholarships are good see, they pay for your tuition plus 1350 a month to let you see such wonders of nature.

talking about wonders of nature, i spent a good deal of time this summer looking at fireflies. with charlotte at taughanock falls, with colin and gang at the Plantations, and with my archi friends at my prof's house. i wonder why fireflies don't go extinct. i mean, imagine being an insect with a big red target on your backside. yah. now imagine your backside shining like a blardy lighthouse. how to survive? maybe they're so cute that nobody wants to eat them.

oh big news! i've finally found a way to cope with charlotte's temper!

haha yah right.

i wish ah. but i still love her! don't get angry ok? i just say for fun only.

ok that's all for now, going to try and cook some lousy dinner for myself, before my ribs start poking out.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

it's 4am and i can't believe it. in less than a day i'm going to meet the girl i've been missing the past 5 months! part of me can't wait, yet the other part is still bogged down by all the worries and preoccupations that continue to plague me -- my struggles in studio, worrying about grades, worrying about how prepared i am for this trip, being apprehensive about summer school, money woes, etc etc.

i tell myself i should just let go and enjoy this vacation, but that part of me feels guilty even contemplating such a thing. there's no such thing as throwing away all your cares and just enjoying 2 weeks of being in your own world, it says. But then I'm reminded by the death of Dan Pirfo, and i realize for the umpteenth time that life is short indeed, too short for us to waste worrying and stressing over things that are out of our control. i remind myself to leave my burdens in the hands of our Lord, and learn to savour the life that he has provided for us. whatever the outcome of my semester, so be it. for now, life is about seeing my family again, witnessing my sister's convocation, and spending that little bit of my life with the girl who's always in my heart. :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

so at 11am on sunday i was already delirious after spending 12 consequtive hours making 3 grad night videos with a video editing software that i had never used before. and then i realized that the background music was too loud. for all of them. and my studio model wasn't done. so being the rational animal that i was, i decided that if i was going to waste 12 hours of precious studio time doing these videos, i might as well spend one more hour.

so yah. i was telling my prof how hard it was for me this weekend, and he's like, "priorities, kenneth." well, i wanted to tell him, " guess what, i actually prioritize, just not the way you want me to!" but i didn't cos i didn't want to kill my grades even further. but it's really true, studio professors think that for an architecture student, studio should be their TOP TOP priority. and it is, to a great extent. most of the time, relationships, extra-curricular activities, other classes etc etc will fall by the wayside while studio ploughs on like an old broken donkey, but there are times when you have to tell yourself, "dude, you need a life."

i'm proud of having spent time making those videos, and can't wait to show off to charlotte when she comes, but more importantly, i'm proud that i made a decision to do something that i would remember, to take some time off my horrible schedule for the benefit of others instead of just thinking of how that would affect my grades.

of course, i really hope too that my scholarship company would read this blog before terminating my scholarship when the transcript reaches them.



Saturday, May 07, 2005

wish i had time to draw more random pictures, but that is (alas) not to be. at least until 10th of May when most of the shit i'm facing dissipates away....

yah when they named this week "hell week" they were not kidding. it's not so much of sleepless nights and stuff, but more of the worrying and stressing out and the accompanying loss of productivity. i'm starting to like my building more though... the more i draw and design, the more i feel attached to it. i think that's what's nice about architecture... with every building you design, be it just for a class or for actual realization, you are adding a piece to that unique city of your mind. one of my occasional fantasies is to design a virtual city, one of those that you always see on sci-fi book covers, only that it's in a 3d programme that you can actually move around in. or to even just picture it in my mind, to walk through it like how George Lucas would walk through that beautiful galaxy that he wove together from those millions of strands of imagination floating within him.

another occasional fantasy is, well, to build a house. that's what makes me proud about studying architecture, that i have this opportunity which most of my peers don't, no matter how slim it is... think of it, how wonderful it is to be able to walk, dine, sleep, work in a house that you drew out on paper... of course if i was a native in Africa for example, it might just be a routine thing, but to live in a city like Singapore and still be able to build your own house would certainly give you a sense of ownership and pride that few can even dream of.

when i decided to study architecture, i was just thinking how nice it would be to see people work or live in a building that you design... but i never really thought of what it would be like to actually walk on a surface that was once only as real as sparks in a sea of neurons.

of course, now it's just: can i finish drawing in time?

Sundance Media Institute -- Night


Sundance Media Institute -- Day Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

To all those who are experiencing unhappiness, worries, heartache, or if you're just feeling bogged down by everything happening around you, well....i spent 10 min of my life making this for you :)

hope it lifts you up a little!


the unbearable lightness of being Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 01, 2005

i wish i could live outside time. like go in and out of time anytime i wanted.... just so i could take a breath.

nothing is letting up man... this is going to be in many ways the SLOWEST and yet the FASTEST week of my semester. and i'm seriously doubting my ability to stay afloat for the entire duration.

but other than that, live is fine and dandy, and i even smile sometimes when i'm having conversations. little signs that i'm still sane.

i miss being happy. i miss you being happy too.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

semi-wrote a song a few days ago, and i actually forgot about it!

here's a bit of the lyrics:

i pour my heart to you
not all of it that's true
but i know
that you will hear me still

i cry out when i'm down
when the carriage runs aground
cos i know
i'm never far from you

and so on.... haven't finished it yet, but i just wanna post it in case i forget again. it's about my relationship with Jesus. how i try to be a good Christian, but end up always holding back in my faith and praying only when i'm in trouble. and it's also going to be about how He never fails to pour His love back onto me no matter how disappointing i am.

how often can we say that about ourselves? how often do we take all the injustice/unfairness/anger/spite/etc thrown at us and turn them around into love and patience? i can't honestly i've achieved that, though i profess to be trying.


on a side note, someone chanced upon my site when he/she typed on Yahoo: how turtles mate. sorry buddy for misleading you... ka4 sa la already man. this is not nationalgeographic.com or discovery channel. it's canuf.blogspot.com which has no affinity to mating turtles whatsoever.... ok except in one random post lah. hope you enjoyed it tho, whoever you are. :)


we all wish for people to say nice things to us... to be sweet, sincere, kind... so do I. especially from the people who occupy the biggest spaces in my heart. the larger the jar, the more it shatters right?

friends know not to cross certain lines. you can't go around shouting at your friends, cos what if they don't friend you right? but it's often different for those you love, and whom you know love you as well... that's why we shout at our parents, our siblings, our loved ones, cos we know that they are always going to be there, that they won't just throw in the towel and leave the ring. but why tempt love? why test its resilience? why assume that love can endure all sorts of abuse?

i don't know. all i know is that love is like the human spirit -- it can get run over again and again, but always with the assurance that it would stand up wobbling and say, "was that... the b-best... you could do?"

please don't hit me again.


on another note, it's countdown time!!!! 2 weeks and 3 days before i get to see my darling again... everyone here knows that i can't wait for that day to come, and it's TRUE! despite the horrible prospect of finals and gradnight preparations and stuff.... there's always that faint light at the end of the tunnel that's growing brighter and brighter each day! let's hope that it's the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel and not the light-of-the-approaching-train. ok that was gross. anyway, i'm already suffering from withdrawal symptoms, like the need to keep posting pictures of you on my blog just so i can get reminded. sorry hor. can't help it! :) thanks for being understanding when i'm feeling down, and for being there for me to turn to when i don't know where else to turn. and for always smiling in photographs. :D

come-to-china! advert #1947356
ok i know i shouldn't be doing this, but i just finished this super long essay in preparation for my final paper tomorrow, and i REALLY cannot take it liao. need some avenue to let out my pent up frustrations and all my writing energy.

first, in response to queries about the pointlessness of my last blog, i'd like to say that the phrase was conceived in all seriousness. it was supposed to mean that the more messed up you perceive your life to be, the less you can handle. hence the overturned bowl that can't hold water; the torn up sponge that can't hold water; the bucket shot full of bullet holes that can't hold water; the clogged up toilet bowl that can't hold water... you get the idea. :)

from those infinite possibilities, i chose one that sounded the most philosophical, as well as one that transcended all cultures, race and nationalities (blah blah blah). but just before i began to explain the root of that phrase, i realized that i didn't want to start ranting about my problems again lest my blog degenerated once more into a rut of depression. I then decided to cloak the real meaning of the phrase behind a veil of whimsical musings, in the hope that discerning readers can just make out the poor distressed writer crying out for help.

alas, that was not to be.


.... well, the point is, it doesn't really matter what the logic was behind

"an overturned bowl holds no water".

what it did was to offer me, through writing, a release from my worries, my stress, and my potential sadness that thankfully did not manifest itself. and i would like to encourage anyone reading this that if you make life out to be happy, funny and joyous, it will be. Life is not doled out to us like rationed bread, it is whatever we want it to be. if you're a writer, keep writing. if you're an artist, keep drawing. but always resist pulling depression into your words or your paintbrush, because it will only drag you down and make your real world as dark as the one you're creating.


wah. CANUF is on a roll today.


anywayssssss.... toingee i finished your autograph! just hope you know that your book is running out of space. maybe you should give people a pda next time to write on, or even better, open up an autograph-blog! then you don't have to worry about people spilling coffee on your book, dogs eating it up, people like me getting lazy and taking a week to write etc etc.

talking about dogs, i went out of my house today and saw a cat staring straight at me. black with green eyes. so it's trying to get into the lobby shared by my 2 other neighbouring houses, and i am trying to catch a bus. being the socially conscious person that i am, i decided that catching my bus was more important and so i just opened the door and let it in. (not into my house lah just into the common lobby)

10 footsteps later, i hear a piercing scream from the exact same lobby i left behind just 5 seconds ago. realizing the unfortunate situation that i had unwittingly caused, i let the feeling of guilt sink in, increased my pace, and boarded the bus to school.

teehee.... :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

act cheem line of the day: an overturned bowl holds no water.

meaning: when you turn a bowl over, all the water comes out. it thus holds no water.

unless of course you turn it fast enough and slam it onto a flat surface, thus trapping the water between the two objects. provided the rim of the bowl is flat enough, and that the bowl is not made of glass or other brittle materials.

act cheem line of the day 2: overturned bowl on table with water within causes much anguish to unsuspecting mum/maid/domestic figure of choice upon removal

meaning: if you're 7 years old and want to piss the heck out of your mum, follow the instructions above, taking care to use as heavy a bowl as possible (to prevent leakage of fluids) and remembering to wipe away any spilled water to avoid suspicions. when said parent arrives on the scene and attempts to remove the strategically placed object, chaos will ensue, resulting possibly in rounds of caning, scolding or emotional blackmail. and also the indescribable feeling of accomplishment.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

dropped my cellphone on my toes today. and BOY DID IT HURT! as my sensory neurons fired away like machine guns all over my helpless brain, part of it was contemplating in silent, morbid amusement: why the heck is my cellphone so heavy? i mean it always feels so light when i carry it or when i'm throwing it around, but it just HAD to get 50 times heavier the split second before it touched down on my toes...

... unsolved mystery of the universe #23460572645.

and then as the pain started to subside, my brain shifted gears and approached a new topic: thank God it landed on my toes instead of on the ground, cos it might have just split open or destroyed itself, which would have entailed me making that long trip to the mall to have it repaired and being mercilessly placed on hold for hours by the absolute best customer service officers in the world.

and of course this got me thinking about just how often we take things for granted. i mean YAH it hurt so much that i couldn't even start screaming (ok fine i exaggerate) but i'd much rather endure the pain than have to drive/cycle/etc to pmall and watch my life slip past me as the customer service officers sit around and stare and wait for things to happen. right? but at that moment when my toe made contact with the massive titanium chassis of my telecommunications unit, all i could think of was WAH SUEY UNTIL CANNOT MORE SUEY LIAO.

which then got me thinking again (warning: ultra slim connection alert) : when we give thanks, it's usually for the good things in life, but how often do we actually give thanks for the bad things that didn't turn out worse than they did? how often do we wallow in our supposed misery without realizing that life could treat us with a lot more cruelty?

walking along arts quad today, i saw pictures of little kids with ribcages straining to push past skin that had already been stretched unimaginably thin. every minute, 20 children in this world die of hunger. that's one in 3 seconds.

so in the midst of this semester's horrible studio experience, in the midst of my hair falling all around me, in the midst of a relationship that rivals Six Flags in terms of rate of bidirectional vertical displacement...


... I thank God I'm alive. :)

p.s. Hypothesis of the Day: we only scream when there's people around to hear us.

Monday, April 25, 2005

so i've just returned from studio, having NOT watched fever pitch and NOT watched the interpretor, unlike everyone else. So what right? it's not as if i had a super huge crush on nicole kidman ever since batman errr....1? YAH. NOT AS IF.

realized upon plonking down on my chair that i'm so pessimistic about studio that i'm past caring. well, almost. i get my things done, i go home, and i don't worry a single bit. but then maybe it's cos my head is spinning from lack of sleep and my fingers are still frozen from the torturous bike ride home, during which i had visions of me getting enthusiastically knocked up by a car and not ever making it back. ugh. but yah frozen fingers spinning head blah blah and i hear it's going to snow again! woohoo.

reading yc's blog just now and it totally reminded me of those times when i was still semi recovering from the mess of my last relationship. it's really times like these when you realize how precious love is, how every single drop of it can make your day, bring a smile to your face, or just totally overwhelm and surround you in a floating bubble of bliss. and then when it's taken away, how you can just fall crashing onto the ground, unable to pick yourself up or to salvage the pieces of your heart...

i pray i'll never lose you... i pray that love will never ever be a memory.

kr said something to me today about not wanting to be monogamous. ewww. guess it's just something that marks that thick fat line between asians and americans huh. or maybe it's just me! if you were around, i would probably neglect my friends (like i used to do), and just spend all my time with you no matter how unhealthy everyone makes it out to be!

so anyway, she (kr) is really afraid of the whole exclusivity thing, but wants her guy to be totally devoted to her. haha... gone are the days when it's the guys who fool around and the girls just sit at home and weep. nowadays girls don't even call it fooling around. it's just being FRIENDLY. and the guys... well, if you're jealous you're a wimp. if you're not jealous then you don't care enough. so the perfect guy is the .... wait... like that how to have perfect guy? see? no wonder girls nowadays lament about the lack of good guys, cos they make it impossible for the good guy to exist! banished into the realm of fruitless imagination...

but of course that's american culture, which, despite its endless onslaught, hasn't completely taken over our little island of singapore. there's still girls who stick with their guys through thick and thin, and guys who are just totally devoted to ONE SINGLE PERSON.

but must always leave room for nicole kidman! (apparently toingee also leaves a lot of room for her)

Sunday, April 24, 2005

just spied the top of my cpu, which sits just beside my chair. and it's FULL OF HAIR! no no don't worry, my cpu isn't coming alive/reaching puberty/infested by aliens. it's just poor ol CANUF shedding like mad! don't really think it's genetics cos my dad's hair is still jet black and very much intact, but then what else might be causing this expulsion of keratin from my scalp?

1. Radiation from computer.
no no cannot... like that how am i supposed to blog!? with pencil?

2. Studio
yah probably... all the noxious fumes and all-nighters and shitty professors, confirm drop hair wan!

3. Instant noodles.
no way man. msg is good for health! (saw on this van years ago that "MSG IS PRODUCED USING ONLY NATURAL SOURCES" yah just like heroin and cocaine and marijuana and what not. all good for health!)

4. Missing charlotte
me = lovesick! sick = drop hair!

well, now that i've reached a conclusion, i have no idea what to do about it! except to tell my darling that i'm absolutestestly in love with her and missing her lots everyday! can't wait for may 14th to come man...

me *approximately equal to* starving somalian waiting for UN food aid to drop from sky.

By the way, the new MSN Messenger lets you do scrawly things on the screen! how cool right. now don't have to download lousy programs that spurt adwares all over my comp! :) EVERYONE GO UPDATE MSN MESSENGER NOW NOW NOW.

friends in high places

so my darling tells me today that because she was talking to me, she missed a photo-taking session with her church friends... do i feel guilty or what... sorry lah, not my fault that i love talking to you right?

then again, maybe they see you go off then "eh eh quickly take photo leh!"

KIDDING.

hmm...actually this reminds me of my good old times in XXland (name changed to protect whichever identities want to be protected) when my friends would do that to certain ostracized people, just for the heck of it. sigh... all these shameful incidents in my past... i must admit that being really young then, i reluctantly participated in these activities even though i always felt horrible after that. of course my sense of morality has been sufficiently honed with time for me to now abhor such activities with great vehemance. ptui ptui! karma man! what goes around comes around! ...i sure don't want people to say, "whey CANUF zao liao quickly take photo before he comes back!"

of course, here's not to forget our good 'ol Christian values of Love Thy Neighbour As Thyself, which applies whether or not you care about good karma. i've learnt in the past few years that good friends can be found in the most unlikely of people, even if they're dregs of society like yongchuan and toingee and the likes. *yongchuan is right now outside my room gossiping about other people.* see? you talk about other people CANUF will suan you in his blog! haha no lah, my friends are all very nice peeps.

ESPECIALLY charlotte! my best friend and darling and most huggable girl in the world! now that i'm back to talking about you, here's a photograph with you inside, hopefully it can replace the one that you missed out on! see see there's me inside too.... :P (ok no connection)


yashi looking very *liang4* Posted by Hello

point is, people we might look down upon at particular stages in our lives may actually end up being there for us when we're in deep s*** with no one else to turn to. and if that really happens, you can live with yourself meh?

"errr... sorry ah last time i bully you cos my mum force me to wan.... really not my fault. i actually *cough cough* respect you very much you dunno only...."

fwah... which brings me to another topic. always blame your mum. especially if you're in secondary school and mums are still ubiquitously recognised as whip-wielding tyrants that kill and torture without remorse.

avoiding irritating friend:
"my mum say i have to stay at home. yah weekends also. yah after school must immediately go home. yah recess time also have to go home."

late for school:
"my mum got diarrhoea cannot drive me to school."

never hand in homework:
"my mum ate up my homework."

ok till later!! :)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

sour-grape guide to princeton university


capital punishment Posted by Hello

since i'm on the topic of princeton* sculptures, here's one more exciting one. after devouring toingee and reducing our tiny group to just me and sera, princeton's art continues to ravage our doomed expedition. Here we stopped to check out this marvellous sculpture, only to have it clamp down on my neck venus-flytrap-style and proudly displaying its kill for photo-taking opportunities. whew... glad they rejected my application last time. *SOUR GRAPES ALERT!* (sera don't worry we on same boat. too smart to get in)

and guess what, it's not only us humans who are engulfed by the aura of death in princeton...

even the cones kena


*princeton was visited and escaped from during fall break 2004, after visiting my sister at UPenn which was considerably friendlier.
So i've just realized that when things go wrong with my life, it pains me even more to talk about them or even to think about them. I prefer to go through life with the notion that everything is beautiful, that people are just nice to each other and that there's no reason why you'd be malicious to anyone else. Everytime i complain about something or the other, it won't be long before i get irritated at myself for even griping, and i'll end up finding some mitigating factor for that person/thing/event that would then make me feel stupid for being upset in the first place.

I don't know if it's a strength or a weakness to always want to see the good side in everyone. Sometimes it's worked for me, sometimes it backfires, and I don't exactly have the statistics to incline me to either direction. Still, it's my character and i'll stubbornly stick to it even if it's going to kill me.

Oh well.... dinner was good cos i spent the time with good friends who are just great people. Just want to take a little moment to thank toingee for always being that listening ear whenever i have problems with erm... basically anything under the sun. he's going to head back to wonderful SAF really soon to do his part in nation building, so i guess i won't be seeing him in awhile. well, that's why blogging is great, cos you get to look right into someone's life even if you don't have the time or chance to just sit in front of your computer all day and chat. and i definitely don't have the time anymore cos studio is killing me and making me feel retarded.

yep if you missed it, that was my little gripe which i'm too sian to elaborate on right now. back to sitting and staring and stoning my friday night away before i piah for whatever's left in this semester. God help me.

anyway here's a picture of toingee at princeton, where all around you are sculptures that invite death poses. like below.


toingee happily getting eaten