Sunday, May 30, 2004

anyone who's watched shrek2 should know never to trust big round cute looking eyes again. or for that matter, to trust big round scary green eyes that glow in the dark.

what then, is there left for us to trust? i dunno.... i'd still fall for big round cute looking eyes anytime!

there's never enough to eat. there's never enough ice in the freezer. there's never enough cans of sprite lying around waiting for me. sometimes 24 hours a day is too much time. :P
american idol season 3(?) is over, singapore idol season 1 is starting this saturday, and i can imagine myself being captivated all over again! unless of course the singing sucks, or if the contestants are ugly, but how lousy can singapore singers be??? erm.

was going to try out for singapore idol, just for the kicks, but as of now i'm still not going to do it cos everyone's gonna laugh at me and if i don't get in i'll kill myself :) so i guess i'll just content myself to strumming on my guitar and trying to come up with a fantastic song that i'd be sure would be a hit (if only i sent it to some producer somewhere). :)
it sucks when i have to tell myself: THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, or, PUT THIS OUT OF YOUR MIND.

it makes me feel like i'm not really in control, like there's something in me that keeps straying, that has to be kept in check constantly. someone said to me before i came back to singapore: won't you get reminded of her, being in singapore and all? my answer, then, was no. well.

i need to be busy this summer.... wrote half a song and got distracted, hope i can remember it when i get back to it. it's written for the people who don't know how much effect they have on others, who touch those around them and then move on, clueless to the lives they have changed.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Saw a huge man with tattoos all over his bulging biceps planting roses in front of Balch Hall today.

Red in the face, he's holding a stalk of roses and talking to his partner, an older guy about half his size. And wondering if the roses he planted on one side of the pavement was too clustered, cos he started five rows on this pavement and only had four rows on the other side. In all analytical and philosophical seriousness. And all the while I was staring at the rose stalk, and marvelling at just how tiny and fragile it looked in his hands...

Moral of the story? I dunno.... everyone loves roses? Don't judge a book by its cover? Big men make good gardeners? Whatever it is, it just made my day that much nicer to see this muscled giant in his dirty faded overalls, all red and sweaty, doing his part to make our world a pretty pretty place. :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

i think i'm superficial. and i think you're beautiful.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

please, don't be angry anymore.... can't you guys just be nice to each other and love each other always, like you promised long ago? being alone is a horrible thing. maybe you've both forgotten what it's like to be alone, but i've living with it right now and it isn't nice at all! why? is being together too boring?
took an hour long walk down to kfc yesterday night.... followed by an hour long walk back.... realized a few things

1. my ankles are falling apart
2. ithaca does not look safe at all at 12 midnight
3. ithaca is actually pretty safe at 12 midnight
4. if you don't remove your card from the atm machine, you're screwed
5. singapore kfc is much better than american kfc
6. you can read an entire magazine in wegmans and no one really cares
7. if you don't have a plasma tv, you can always project your movie from your patio onto your neighbour's wall
8. cashiers in wegmans are too efficient to care about what you buy
9. i miss holding hands
10.why do we always need 10 points?

this semester's coming to a close... one of the most interesting semesters i've ever had. i'm missing a lot in life, but i also possess a lot more than i ever expected, especially after last year. i hope i never lose anything again.


to the people who've come into my life and made it different.
to the people who taught me what love is.
to the people who made me realize my capacity to love.
and to take nice pictures.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

i need scotch tape. it's amazing how much time i can waste sitting here and waiting for sera to come home so i can get scotch tape from her. i think my life has no meaning.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

How long can pencil lead stay in your body before it kills you?

I've yet to find out. But it's certainly more than a decade. When I was about 8, breakfasts were scenes of battle between my mum and us children.....

Mum's goal:
1. Get these two rascals to finish their homework before the schoolbus arrives.
2. Get these two rascals to finish their revision for today's spelling test before the schoolbus arrives.
3. Get these two rascals to finish the cereal/bread/ugly-looking-porridge before the schoolbus arrives.

Our goal:
1. Procrastinate long enough so that our mum would finish our homework for us.
2. Perform acts of retching that were convincing enough to a)get our mum to stop making us eat, b)not have to go to school.
3. Do whatever we want to do and be one with the world.

On that fateful morning, my mum was engaged in 1, 2 and 3, while i was happily engaged in 3. 3 being playing with my pencil and poking myself with the eraser at one end of the pencil. It was not my day. My mum somehow managed to distract me enough from my ritualistic meditation to cause me to jab myself hard in my right hand with the wrong end of my pencil (the lead end), leaving me staring for about 10 seconds at the pencil balancing precariously from the upper layers of my punctured flesh. The broken lead point was removed in the end, but not before the industrious pencil managed to leave a small trail of graphite that has survived in my hand till this day.

2 years later, the same thing happened, this time to my left wrist.

2 lessons: First, that graphite does not assimilate readily into the bloodstream, nor does it dissolve in tissue fluid. Second, that things which pierce often leave a trace of their passing. Not a scar (for my skin had quickly healed over the graphite), but a trace, locked into my flesh forever.

Wounds never heal completely, never. Even when it doesn't hurt anymore, one just has to flip to the right page in that vast sea of memory to notice that little grey spot, dark and jarring, staring straight back.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Everybody moves on. A break up; a graduation; migrating overseas; quitting a job; losing a loved one.... everybody moves on.

It's not easy, but it's not that hard either. And after awhile, everyone realizes that. Graduation Night 2004.... everyone is having a good time taking pictures. Everyone watches the video with a sense of relaxed nostalgia, laughing hard at the funny photos, growing a little quiet at the touching ones, enjoying the excellent wine. In Junior College, almost all of us cried, or felt like crying. I didn't see anyone crying here.... only long, tight hugs that acknowledged 3 years of much more real and meaningful friendships that one could ever have had. 3 years of living together, going for vacations, of relationships made and broken, made again, of money matters, academic matters, house matters, all acknowledged and revisited within one tight hug. And then we all move on. We don't say that our friendships will last forever, because words are just words at the end of the day.

I'd like to say I've moved on as well. I keep what I can, and let go of whatever wants to go. I don't cling on anymore cos it works against gravity, and the gravity of time tugs really hard.

But I'll never forget, and I'll never stop loving. Have a good life, and may angels watch over you. :)