Sunday, December 31, 2006

lying

why do you keep trying to convince me that i'm good enough for you, when we both know that i'm not? if i was, why are you upset with me almost every day?

i feel like i'm getting really familiar with that dull pain in my heart nowadays.

just went for a really sweet engagement party. it just makes me melt everytime i see a couple constantly gazing into each other's eyes when they are talking to other people. for me, that's a great sign of love -- when what you say and do doesn't belong to you alone, but to both you and your partner.


i wish i could love you without having to hate myself.

Something They Missed

I wake up alone
There’s no one beside me
That’s what I need
The voice in my head says
You like it this way
And I agree
Cos it’s not like
I have anything else to see
Cos it’s not like
I have anywhere else to be

But there must be something I missed
Cos when you’re smiling at me
It’s like I’m finally breaking the surface
And I’m starting to breathe

There must be something I missed
Cos when your lips touch my skin
You tear this wall into pieces
And set me free

They tell me you’re dangerous
Don’t trust those angel wings
She’ll throw them away
Once you say you can’t pay
For those pretty things
Cos it’s not like
I have anything much to give
Cos it’s not like
There is anything more to me

But there must be something they missed
Cos when you reach out to me
I feel like the storm is clearing
And I’m starting to see

That there’s something they missed
Cos when you’re right here with me
I know that you’ll be staying
And I’ll never leave

Saturday, December 30, 2006

pieces

coming back to singapore once again.

i realize that "home", and "belonging", are becoming increasingly abstract concepts. i can't find anything or anyone here that can just embrace the whole of my being, and allow me to rest knowing that i am accepted for who i am. there is no place for the entirety of my spirit to dwell...

instead i am portioned out, pieces of me distributed amongst interested parties, such that at the end of the day, wherever i end up, i am always that much less than what i'm supposed to be.

i don't even know what to say anymore. maybe i'm tired. maybe i'm very very tired.

i'm sad -- will someone share these tears with me?

Monday, November 06, 2006

singing a song

i've spent the last week trying to perfect the song i just wrote (well i wrote it some time ago, but without the melody)... changing bits and pieces of the lyrics, trying to squeeze in some nice turns of melody into the chorus, etc etc... playing it over and over and over again. of course i make sure i didn't play it too loud in case my neighbour thinks i only know one lousy song and and i'm trying to show her i can play CFGCFG on the guitar 500 times in 1 hour.

suddenly i start wondering, why do i keep playing this song? don't people get tired of songs after awhile? so i sit here and actually stare at the wall for awhile, trying to determine if i'm actually narsicisstically basking in my songwriting "skills", or if there's some other weird reason for my obsession. then it hit me. everytime i play the song, i think of you. i was like, are you sure.... they only do that in movies lor. but really, it's true. everytime i sing, when i reach the part that says "even if it seems/like i'm too far away/to make any kind of difference", you pop into my head. and at "someone wants to warm us/when we're feeling cold", again. i think it'll be different if i sing it to you though, cos then it becomes a performance. here, alone in my little room, i can actually say the words to you, knowing that they'll fly halfway around the world into your subconscious, and infect you with some mysterious joy that you can't put a finger to. here in my room i can close my eyes and mean every single word.

i wish you're thinking of me now. i feel like i'm actually writing this -- saying this to you even though you're probably going to be the last one to read this... not your fault of course, i know exams are coming and all that -- but yah, here, without having to look you in the eyes, i feel i can pour out my heart to you and yet be sure that you won't just laugh it off in your typical embarrassed manner, as if you can't believe that i love you so much.

i can't wait to kiss you again. seriously. i see so many people kissing on tv but i know we kiss so much better than any of them! crossing my fingers that this thought applies to you too.

so, back to my song. i guess when i finally get to see you again, i'll finally get to stop playing it :)

Saturday, September 30, 2006

the homeless girl


you want to get out of the sun
like a garden snail retreat into your shell
but all the doors are shut
and you're melting onto the sidewalk

their refuse is your cloak
your camouflage
no one sees you
as you slowly dissolve

you wish you could fly --
to hover at chest level
so they'd collide into you
and maybe notice

that staring back is a face
just like any other

Thursday, September 28, 2006

frie rice

back in singapore, there used to be a time when i would look at the zi cha stall, licking my lips, and then finally deciding sullenly that I'll skip the fried rice this time and save up for another day.

now in nyc, i eat fried rice every day, because it's like the cheapest meal available this side of spanish harlem. everyday i go to the same chinese restaurant, and tell the girl there "chicken/shrimp/beef fried rice please", whereby she'll reply, "chickin/shrimp/beef frie rice?" and i'll say, "yes" and can you believe, it, the "frie rice" comes out in 2 minutes.

i really don't know how they do it, but it's freaking faster than macdonalds! doesn't say very much about the care they put into making these humble morsels, but they taste good! i mean, i've eaten "frie rice" every single day and i'm not sick of it yet. i've had a few bouts of diarrhoea though, which i try my best to attribute to other things like the weather. come on it's 3 dollars! i mean 2.95. i can't give it up man, it's like a drug. sweet, mind-numbing drug. with lots and lots of oil.

oh gawd i wish i was rich.

Monday, September 25, 2006

living alone

not easy.

everyday i yearn for the comforting voices of familiar friends, for smiles and idle chatter. all i hear is the incessant drone of my air filter, now resigned to recycle the cigarette smoke stench in the room, despite its initial valiant efforts otherwise.

i fear that when i finally return to civilization, i will have nothing left to talk about.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

you are everything

you are everything
that i don't see
you fill the air
and it slips past me

but like a gentle stream
you soothe my skin
and you melt my soul
without me knowing

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

the very next day.

i really shouldn't have made everything seem so easy... i feel now what you surely used to feel a year ago... neglected, half forgotten... the only difference is that a year ago, i gave myself no excuses. i was always sorry, wasn't i? bad time management, skewed priorities, etc. now the tables are turned but only partially. you have all these justifications, you're stressed, you're not superman unlike me, so why can't i be more understanding?

you're right you know, i shouldn't have attached any significance to this anniversary. 2 years... i felt so bad and so nervous for one whole week you know, trying to figure out a way to let you know that this is important to me, that you are important to me. and you do know now don't you? i love you so much and do you know why? cos my heart doesn't break for anyone else.

i just wanted to make you smile. but only after i managed that feat did i realize that i need so much to smile myself, to fill that hollow inside me.

it used to be that anniversaries meant so much more to you than it did to me -- i could never really wrap my hands around that concept. but why do i attach so much significance to it now?

the selfish me wishes you never came to australia, that you never started on this journey. the other selfish me wishes you'd just forget about me and leave me behind, so that i can catch my breath and recover.

i'm writing this here only because i'm pretty sure you'll never read it.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Not Alone

When the lights go out
And there’s nothing you can see
Remember to turn around
And hold out your hand for me

Even if it seems
Like I’m too far away
To touch this heart that hungers
Like a flower for the rain

Even if it seems
Like a best-forgotten dream

Just stay....just stay....just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

You have been the match
That set my heart alight
So let me always be the flame
To help you walk at night

And if one day I burn
When my wick has reached its end
I’ll know I wasn’t wasted
Cos you held me in your hand

Just stay.... just stay.... just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

Thursday, August 03, 2006

disturbing....

today i sat in the bus reading my Newpaper, with an old man beside me humming some weird and irritating chinese opera tune. that was of course interesting enough for me, but every time i turned the page, he would stop his musical rendition to read out the headlines for the benefit of the entire vicinity. and his diction was actually quite clear and precise for someone of his ahem... mental constitution....

to make matters worse, the Newpaper is often known for its eye-catching headlines like "Man stabs ex-wife's lover and cuts off his.... " which was what the old man promptly announced. he even made a theatrical emphasis on the "...."! so after 20 min of living hell, i hurriedly flung myself out of the bus and ran into oncoming traffic to end my miserable existence. of course, just before i died, i managed to catch a glimpse of another passenger innocently taking her seat beside this amazing character, with her husband standing beside her. i can only hope she wasn't carrying any reading material.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

one arm big one arm small

that's my aim! now that i've sort of picked up tennis, my aspiration is to have a huge gigantic musculalalalar right arm in no time! since there's not going to be so much volleyball to play in NYC, i assume that my left arm is going to start getting flabby soon, unless i rescue it by doing lots of backhanded volleys too! so fun, tennis. most fun part is that i might actually start getting a tan. now all i have to do is to buy a tennis racket and stop freeloading from pple....

coming home

who is to keep me from the cold
when my heart is frozen still
there's no one to hold am i walking alone
in this cruel unending chill

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

who is to save me from the ghosts
of a dark and dreary past
i cry out for someone to watch over me
on this lonesome restless life

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

and it's me you see
coming home to Thee
i stand at your door
catching my breath
i'm done with this race
in you i will rest
you're my salvation

Monday, July 03, 2006

some thoughts...

can i still lead you if you are not willing to follow? what is the point of imagining a wonderful life ahead if everything we're doing now seems to point towards disaster? will things change just because we feel that they should? being children of God doesn't absolve us of sin... it just erases the ultimate consequence.

Love is...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

Thursday, June 01, 2006

What I want for my birthday

It's raining out
Do you mind if I stayed awhile?


What do I want for my birthday? I want to be less forgetful. It's hard enough to have Char scold me about not dressing right, turning at wrong junctions, and I really really don't need the additional burden of having to rack my brains to remember who exactly we were supposed to meet at what time tomorrow. Or what she told me 5 min ago.

Really, it's not that I don't care about what she says, but I just CAN'T remember things! I forget names the moment I stop shaking hands. I forget what I was trying to look for in the fridge. I forget why I set my alarm at 5pm. etc etc. You see, this is a mental handicap, it's not that I wilfully disregard everything she says, dumping it into the far recesses of my mind as though they were unsightly bits of trash. My brain just lacks the M:\ drive for storing all the .misc items in my life. My theory is that if I had this capacity, I would probably have lost out on something else equally important, like my ability to burp/fart unnoticeably. It's all genetic and I can't help it that the sperm with the missing M:\ had to also be the fastest swimmer right?

So for my birthday, I ask for memory. Just 80Gb more ok, I'm not very demanding wan. Come to think of it, maybe ipods should have selective information storage functions. Imagine a earphone that also has a built in sound recording device, automatically bookmarking conversations that have "meeting"/"[any-day-of-the-week]"/"my name is..." and other customizable phrases. Then when the time comes just need to put your hand in your pocket and discreetly scroll up and down......

But what I want is just extra memory. NOT an IPOD.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Long sleeved shirts and black pants

I'm now a working adult!

Well not exactly...i'm just a tiny little intern in the mammoth that's Keppel Land. Today's my second day at work, and i'm already using MSN, surfing the net and BLOGGING! (now = lunchtime) I am also concurrently trying to paint a picture on Microsoft Paint with just my touchpad. Not easy. Of course, this is not to say that I haven't been given any work, just that things here seem to be going a tad slower than I've expected. They were telling me that it's going to be really busy but no leh, where got? I think at some offices the definition of busyness is different from other places.

This morning I decided to relieve my mum of the responsibility of driving me to work, and took the bus instead. During which many things happened:

1. I found out that i forgot to zip my pants, which would have been disastrous if I had gone to office without realizing.
2. I figured out how to discreetly solve this problem with the help of my slingbag and a busload of sleeping commuters.
3. I saw a newspaper guy distributing TODAY to waiting passengers with Kung Fu efficiency. Really... half crouched, legs spread apart, thrusting the papers as though they were lethal knives into his enemies. Who just stood there jostling to be killed. It was quite a sight!

I also read that Taylor Hicks is now the hot favourite for American Idol glory, with gorgeous Mcphee as the underdog. To think that I was faced with ridicule when I first suggested after the Top 12 episode that Taylor was my American Idol winner! HAH. what have you got to say now sera???? At least now even Simon has nothing to say. To be honest, Taylor was always the Idol finalist who's the most likely to make 5 albums without people tiring of him. Just looking at his face and body language already makes you wanna smile, even though his dance moves are sometimes rather horrific. But new dance moves are always greeted with horror and derision, no? So don't worry Taylor, very soon we're going to have grey-haired teenage girls spasming their way into alcohol lalaland on the dance floor. That's EVEN if Katharine were to stage an upset and walk away with the Idol title.

I can't wait for Battlestar Galactica to start again!!!! Don't we all miss Sharon? Even though she's now evil Cylon Sharon, but no one cares! Again another brilliant TV series that's dismissed by the uninformed as 70s bullshit. Till then, though, I will have to content myself with Singapore Idol and the World Cup, which already promises to contribute to drastically reduced productivity all over the world. And lots of bleary-eyed students and workers everywhere.

Monday, March 27, 2006

brokeback mountain (spoilers!)

just watched brokeback mountain! i must say it's quite an impactful movie, if only because heath ledger and jake gyllenhall totally immersed us audiences into their characters. so much so that i probably won't be able to watch another of their movies again without getting reminded of homosexuality.

i won't say that there was much of a storyline, but maybe that was the point of the whole movie as well -- that the lives of these two lonely cowboys, apart from their occasional trysts on brokeback mountain, are just totally unfulfilled, confused and lost. i'm sure lots of us have our own little skeletons in our closets, and this movie really brings to light the danger of letting them become obsessions that then fester and consume us, until we find ourselves not so different from heath ledger's character ennis at the end of the movie. his words, "Jack, I swear..." omg that just tears me apart man. is he blaming jack for the state of his life now? is he cursing how jack just left him for good without even a word? but then look at the tenderness with which he buttons up that bloodstained shirt -- is he just saying that he'll never be able to forget what they shared between them? well i guess it'd be all of that.

i don't think any of my friends felt offended or uncomfortable watching this movie, because in the end, it's just a great tragic story of forbidden love that of course has the power to transcend all cultural taboos and apprehensions and all that... it could have been between two rabbits for all i cared. just an interesting note -- the writer of the original short story that this movie was based on commented that anyone who's confident and comfortable about his/her sexuality would have no trouble viewing this film, and that people like jack and ennis would probably be the ones who cannot bear to see it.

anyway, loved the film. of course crash was told much better and deserved the oscar, but this is definitely a very very memorable movie.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Ignorance = Bliss

Would you rather find out after knowing a person for a few years that he/she is an asshole? Or would you rather find out right at the start and thank the gods that you were smart enough to steer clear? People always tell me things like "I knew he/she was a horrible person the moment I saw him/her!" but I beg to differ. I believe that people are what you make of them.... if you choose to see the good in someone, and choose to bring it out, it really doesn't matter what others think. If you are friends with someone whom other people shun, it doesn't mean that you're stupid, it just means that the rest of them can't see the full picture.

I believe that avoiding people with certain "undesirable" characters only says that you are afraid, that you don't think you can cope, that you're only capable of living with a select bunch of people. Being elitist is not a sign of sophistication, it's a sign of cowardice.

So too everyone who's hesitating to be a friend, please step out of your comfort zone and put a smile on your face the next time you talk to that obnoxious colleague of yours. Cos you never know when it'd be the other way round for you :)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I will go

There's nothing I can see
That you didn't mean to be
There's nothing in my possession
That you didn't leave for me

There's nothing I could do
If you didn't see me through
You lift me up you carry me
And the dark dissolves for you

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

And sometimes I forget
To bow my head and pray
And thank you for this life you gave me
The breath of every day

Cos you fight my every battle
You win my every war
You gave me all I could ever want, Lord
And you promised so much more

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

Friday, February 10, 2006

Daddies be good

I just listened to John Mayer's Daughters, and it's so true! I want to teach my children to love, but I guess the only way is to love them first, and show them that it's something they should value. I realize that the only way to get Char to appreciate me is to do the same for her -- something that I haven't always managed to do. Sometimes we can't help but tell ourselves, yah i want to be nice, but not if he/she's treating me that way!

But it IS possible to take the first step. Even if we get hurt the first time, it's still possible to love again. We don't have to wait for the other person to take the first step, or to apologize, or to stop whatever they're doing that pisses us off.

But then again, pride is such a powerful thing sometimes isn't it?

Anyway here are the lyrics to this wonderful song:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too



Thursday, February 09, 2006

CNY!

i think i'm starting to like performing! last sunday during our CNY dinner, i went up to stage (ok not technically UP cos there wasn't really a stage) to perform a few songs with our newly formed and probably now defunct band which doesn't yet have a name, and i think it's really getting easier! In fact, I found it a lot more fun playing and singing my own song than other peoples' songs. Just remembering last year during SOS (singaporeans on stage), I was so nervous that I couldn't really put my heart into singing -- it was more of, are my chords right? am i getting faster? etc etc. But this time, with such a steady band, i could just go all out and ktv to my heart's content.

pretty glad that the song was well received... :) (who needs singapore idol right? hahahaha) but it would have been great if charlotte was there and i could dedicate the song to her instead of just telling her afterwards that i dedicated the song to her. (she wasn't really impressed.... sigh...) but anyway, i'm glad i can sing and write and draw and all that, cos sometimes you just feel so much about someone or something that your need to express goes beyond just saying I love you, or complaining to your best pal about a horrible breakup. You need to record it, to revisit it time and again, to exclaim it to everyone around you.

So this is more precious to me than being able to study or do math assignments or cook or play volleyball. sometimes i wish i were born a little later. 5 years ago, it would be inconceivable to even think about going into the music industry, but now it's such a big thing -- entertainment, expression, culture... you can be famous for just TRYING to be famous! of course, not that i'm going to take part in singapore idol. all i need is just one person who loves my songs, and can't wait for me to write more.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

back to school!

so i realize that despite me hardly ever updating my blog, my blog counter still appears to register a small but steady rise in readership. i wonder why.... but nevertheless i would like to apologize to all my faithful readers out there for not having anything to add to my blog for God knows how long! of course, now that i'm back in school and free from all those distractions like Cable TV and sleeping and Cable TV, i should be reverting to more regular updates. hopefully :)

i went snowboarding yesterday on yuan jun's beseeching, and on a very thin layer of fresh snow. this being my first time boarding in almost a whole year, there was of course much falling over and tumbling and sliding, but the fact that i'm still typing is testimony of my amazing ability to stay alive against all odds. kelvin yap was there too, my fellow boarder, and it's always nice to see someone tumbling and rolling with you, especially when 10 year old kids were zipping past us with much finesse, not to mention belittling looks...

which brings me to the subject of falling. in JC, when Miss Poon (or Mr Poon depending on his/her mood) would spend one whole volleyball session teaching us how to fall and roll over (haha this is beginning to sound like dog training), it seemed to all of us that falling could actually be an art, to be mastered and conquered by only the most skillful exponents. of course, that did not deter us energetic 18 yr olds, and we diligently took to the task of tripping ourselves over and rolling across the gym, much to the delight (and bewilderment most likely) of passing schoolmates. we also did a lot of other laugh inducing exercises over the course of our training, but i will not go into details. basically, after the end of my career in high school volleyball, i considered myself to be pretty good at cushioning my body if at any time my legs were to lose contact with the ground, sending me into the uncompromising arms of gravity.

however, nobody told me about snow. when you are flying down a mountain at 30km/h (already not very fast) and suddenly your board catches a chunk of snow placed just so that it causes your board to suddenly alter its intended trajectory, you don't often realize the fact until your butt has made contact with the snow below you. and when that happens, the rolling instinct indeed starts to kick in, but is hampered by a few factors:

1. your feet are strapped to a flat board, shoulder length apart.
2. 30km/h
3. snow and ice are not exactly the perfect medium for rolling. skidding and sliding tend to be much more prevalent.
4. by the time your brain reacts, it's usually too late for it to have any say in the subsequent dynamics of your body.

meaning to say my butt hurts a lot now, and i won't be snowboarding till probably next week.

Friday, January 06, 2006

mosquito dare to bite me!

last 2 days in yunnan i suddenly got headache. so i say nevermind, lie in hotel bed also good, everyday watch tv and sleep, watch tv and sleep. but the headache turn into giddiness, then turn into fever, then turn into wake up also want to die. i tell myself that i'm going to go home liao, maybe it's the weather in yunnan... then on the way to the airport, i thought how come the driver drive the car like f1 like that, left and right, up and down, like he not happy we never puke all over his car.

so i puke all over his car.

and i also puke all over the plane. puke and puke and puke and puke.... i think about 3 times from yunnan to kl, then 2 times from kl to singapore. i puke until when the plane was landing i was still in the toilet. then i was back in singapore, and went straight to my bed to live for the next 2 days. on 1st jan, i woke up at 6am feeling like i was living in an ant nest. so i went to the toilet and on the light, and wah! rashes all over! i see already feel like puking again. but i didn't puke. instead i laosai everywhere. after laosai-ing, i went to my parents room and told my mum that i got rashes everywhere.

then suddenly i was at ttsh, and the doctor asked me so you got fever for how many days? i say 5. then i say i just came back from china.

his eyes open very wide. CHINA AH? yah. i think he scared i turn into a chicken and bite him. but i didn't, so he say nevermind i take your blood. then fast forward 2 hours, and the doctor came back and asked me, what class you want?

then i know that the mosquito bite me already.