it's 4am and i can't believe it. in less than a day i'm going to meet the girl i've been missing the past 5 months! part of me can't wait, yet the other part is still bogged down by all the worries and preoccupations that continue to plague me -- my struggles in studio, worrying about grades, worrying about how prepared i am for this trip, being apprehensive about summer school, money woes, etc etc.

i tell myself i should just let go and enjoy this vacation, but that part of me feels guilty even contemplating such a thing. there's no such thing as throwing away all your cares and just enjoying 2 weeks of being in your own world, it says. But then I'm reminded by the death of Dan Pirfo, and i realize for the umpteenth time that life is short indeed, too short for us to waste worrying and stressing over things that are out of our control. i remind myself to leave my burdens in the hands of our Lord, and learn to savour the life that he has provided for us. whatever the outcome of my semester, so be it. for now, life is about seeing my family again, witnessing my sister's convocation, and spending that little bit of my life with the girl who's always in my heart. :)

so at 11am on sunday i was already delirious after spending 12 consequtive hours making 3 grad night videos with a video editing software that i had never used before. and then i realized that the background music was too loud. for all of them. and my studio model wasn't done. so being the rational animal that i was, i decided that if i was going to waste 12 hours of precious studio time doing these videos, i might as well spend one more hour.

so yah. i was telling my prof how hard it was for me this weekend, and he's like, "priorities, kenneth." well, i wanted to tell him, " guess what, i actually prioritize, just not the way you want me to!" but i didn't cos i didn't want to kill my grades even further. but it's really true, studio professors think that for an architecture student, studio should be their TOP TOP priority. and it is, to a great extent. most of the time, relationships, extra-curricular activities, other classes etc etc will fall by the wayside while studio ploughs on like an old broken donkey, but there are times when you have to tell yourself, "dude, you need a life."

i'm proud of having spent time making those videos, and can't wait to show off to charlotte when she comes, but more importantly, i'm proud that i made a decision to do something that i would remember, to take some time off my horrible schedule for the benefit of others instead of just thinking of how that would affect my grades.

of course, i really hope too that my scholarship company would read this blog before terminating my scholarship when the transcript reaches them.

wish i had time to draw more random pictures, but that is (alas) not to be. at least until 10th of May when most of the shit i'm facing dissipates away....

yah when they named this week "hell week" they were not kidding. it's not so much of sleepless nights and stuff, but more of the worrying and stressing out and the accompanying loss of productivity. i'm starting to like my building more though... the more i draw and design, the more i feel attached to it. i think that's what's nice about architecture... with every building you design, be it just for a class or for actual realization, you are adding a piece to that unique city of your mind. one of my occasional fantasies is to design a virtual city, one of those that you always see on sci-fi book covers, only that it's in a 3d programme that you can actually move around in. or to even just picture it in my mind, to walk through it like how George Lucas would walk through that beautiful galaxy that he wove together from those millions of strands of imagination floating within him.

another occasional fantasy is, well, to build a house. that's what makes me proud about studying architecture, that i have this opportunity which most of my peers don't, no matter how slim it is... think of it, how wonderful it is to be able to walk, dine, sleep, work in a house that you drew out on paper... of course if i was a native in Africa for example, it might just be a routine thing, but to live in a city like Singapore and still be able to build your own house would certainly give you a sense of ownership and pride that few can even dream of.

when i decided to study architecture, i was just thinking how nice it would be to see people work or live in a building that you design... but i never really thought of what it would be like to actually walk on a surface that was once only as real as sparks in a sea of neurons.

of course, now it's just: can i finish drawing in time?

Sundance Media Institute -- Night


Sundance Media Institute -- Day

To all those who are experiencing unhappiness, worries, heartache, or if you're just feeling bogged down by everything happening around you, well....i spent 10 min of my life making this for you :)

hope it lifts you up a little!


the unbearable lightness of being

i wish i could live outside time. like go in and out of time anytime i wanted.... just so i could take a breath.

nothing is letting up man... this is going to be in many ways the SLOWEST and yet the FASTEST week of my semester. and i'm seriously doubting my ability to stay afloat for the entire duration.

but other than that, live is fine and dandy, and i even smile sometimes when i'm having conversations. little signs that i'm still sane.

i miss being happy. i miss you being happy too.