i'm sorry

i'm sitting here trembling and unable to move from this spot at all. there's plenty of things i ought to be thinking about, but right now, all i can think of is you. i turn around and look at your photos, and realize painfully that you're so beautiful, that your smile melts things and brings light to dark places. i realize that i am a different person now thanks to that smile, and thanks to everything else that is you. and i wish so desperately that we were ok from the start, that God didn't bring us together just to find out how much we can take. we were so confident; we couldn't care less about all the naysayers who thought that this was impossible -- after each fight we would tell ourselves, "here we are, stronger than before, even more equipped to prove to the world that nothing can tear us apart." when we were driving through the wilderness in Australia, it seemed like we finally discovered how to be perfect for each other, how to accept that we are two very different people who are absolutely in love and who will always be.

i loved you and cherished you. each time you said i didn't care about you, it would be like a knife twisting into my chest. each time you cried, the pain would course from my heart all the way to my fingers and toes. but those precious, precious times when you would look into my eyes and smile... i felt like nothing else really mattered in my life anymore.

but then we make mistakes and those mistakes cost us and now all i know is that i am so thankful that you let me love you these few years. i am sorry i am not as strong as i thought i was, or as i promised you i'd be. i'm sorry for all those times i made you cry and for all those times when i continued fighting with you when i could have just said i'm sorry so you could love me again. i'm sorry i let you down...

but i'm not sorry for what we've been through together, because it was special and real and wonderful for me and there is not a single memory that i want to erase from my mind.

i really, really loved you.