luke was just telling me after the cny dinner how different uni life is from jc life. we both agreed that jc life was much better than uni life, although when i was walking with him, i didn't really know why i said that. but sitting here in the comp lab in rand hall, i'm starting to think and it's starting to occur to me. when i was in jc, everything was really clear... perhaps it's because as an 18 yr old, i did not have many issues to be unclear about. perhaps it's because life was just about studying and playing vball, and going home to eat, and watching television. perhaps it's because i didn't have a gf, and i interacted with my friends infrequently enough not to know or really care what kind of people they are. perhaps it's because immediately after jc came ns, which didn't really require any planning for or any preparations.

it's different now though.... i am studying in a place where my neighbours are my schoolmates, where we talk/laugh/gossip/hide/avoid/observe during dinner everyday (in singapore dinner was just dinner), and return home to continue these interactions on msn and icq. everyone seems to be heading on their own paths, even those masses of people studying engineering have clear and often rather personalized goals in life. things matter more. people matter more. friends now become housemates in a few months time. relationships become a much more tangible issue.

but i think what's affecting me more is the fact that i don't know what i'm doing anymore. it's like a river is flowing past me, and i'm a little pebble that occasionally gets caught up in the current for a few seconds, but spends most of its time on the river bed. looking at all those people who ran for the SSA exco, i suddenly feel like i'm such a drifter, like i'm so out of things. i use my architecture workload as an excuse, but i think for the most part, it's just because i've lost some of my energy and my zest for life.

i hope this changes soon. i hope that in a while, i'll manage to turn into a fish and ride the currents.

thanks guys for all your well wishes. my mum should be fine, but this whole thing has made me realize something about myself that i'm not proud of. :( it's time i look at myself a little bit more.