there are two things i want most for my birthday. one, that you'd remember my birthday. two, that you'll not. that's what i'm thinking as i sit in the bus, my mind numb to the droning rumble of the engine... i look at the wallet in my hands and realize with a little start that you gave it to me on my first birthday. and then i remember my second birthday, the birthday you forgot. and i remember myself saying to you, it's ok, it's ok....listening to you crying softly at the other end of the line, wondering which was making my heart hurt more, your tearful words or the disappointment. i go back to the wallet and stare. and imagine that i can see memories inside that dull black surface. and then i really do see. you and i at the beach, with bent twigs in our hands, drawing a picture of a dog and a cat side by side. i see myself wondering what's wrong with the picture, what's missing, and then an idea strikes me. i start walking around it, tracing a slow, deep curve with each step. then i step back and hold your hand as we look at the big heart shape surrounding the two animals.... the heart's a little squashed at the side, but you say it's beautiful and nothing in this world would make me disagree. and then i see us lying in your bed, well, not really. you lying in your bed and me propped on an elbow beside you, watching you sleep. it seems to happen so often.... i'd wake up and find you beside me, and i'd refuse to go back to sleep, not wanting to lose the chance to just look at you, to just touch your face gently with my fingers, because it's during these times that time really does stand still, and nothing else really matters.

and then my wallet returns to its dull black sheen, and i tell myself it's time to stop thinking. i'd rather you forget. even though it's going to break my heart, even though it's going to make me want to cry, i'd rather you forget. i wonder if you are going to read this, and then i stop.... do i really want you to read this? i dunno, guess not. i guess all i really want is for you, when you are tucking yourself into bed, to feel a sudden urge to sneeze. cos like you said, it means someone is thinking of you. and then maybe, for that little moment just before you slip gently into slumber, you'd remember me.