fcs retreat!

i love my new camera. so shiok to be able to take pics without lugging big camera around! of course i still love my canon but at least now i can take pictures everyday, anywhere! so we went to chuck and ann's house for our fcs mini retreat, which was wonderful even tho it's just 6 of us! turned out to be an all-guy's retreat too, cos cherie was sick. but then again, it wasn't really all-guy, cos we had the cutest little girl around! gabriella! she was adopted by chuck and ann, from a dysfunctional family, and she's just so so cute. apparently tho, she has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) which causes her to mutate into a ferocious biting animal at times but still. so cuteeee!

and yankai had his 3rd birthday celebration, which was a total surprise. chuck and ann are so sweet! anyway, the retreat was very welcome for me, cos i had a lot on my mind and i really needed to go somewhere where i could just rest, be happy, and lift up all my worries and troubles to Jesus! and so nice to be able to worship the Lord with friends. thanks joseph for being the chief organizer, without whom this could never never have happened. :) 辛苦你了。

joshua and gabriella making music

too cute liao

delicious looking fake fruits

marvin is defeated by foot long sandwich

happy birthday again and again!

taopok!

january babies!

i don't think i've ever hosted a birthday party at my house. until now! and it was 5 birthday parties in one night! cool huh. ok lah, more like 1 birthday party for 5 people... but it was fantastic, from the buying of the birthday prezzies (especially the part when i realized i left everything in singapore) to the cooking, to the jamming session and finally the absolutely side-splitting Telephone Pictionary game we played at the end. so fun. but of course, as with all birthdays i witness in cornell now, it only served to remind me how um... mature *ahem* i am. 25.5 years old! all the young pple around me makes me feel so ancient... the freshies are 6 yrs younger than me! OMG.

people usually pose in the snow...but ok lah

evil lin's banana walnut lovey dovey muffins!

chairman mao and evil lin

joshua's cheesecake with strawberry mountain

heidi attacking cake

cheesecake avalanche

yankai's prezzie on fire!

singaporean goodies omg RAISIN

sigh yankai more macho than me....

cornell students are so smart 1

cornell students are so smart 2

dunno what to take

i think i'm showing signs that i've been in cornell for too long:

1. dunno what courses to take anymore
2. just want the easy professors
3. dread seeing snow in the morning
4. want to be a part time student, not to save money, but just to be a part time student.

die liao. i'm sure when i start work i'd wish i did more during my time in cornell, but now i just wish i was back in singapore! quick somebody slap me and make me get my ass out of bed and do something constructive with my life!!!!

no need to take humanities!

wahhh. so happy -- just went to check things out at the registrar's office, and it turns out that my Japanese Society through Film class is counted as a humanities course, even though last sem they rejected my petition to count it! yay. this means i don't have to take the Christianity in Africa course that i enrolled for this sem, which is pretty interesting but potentially killer, with like 150 pages of readings every week. siao.

so now i hope they didn't make a mistake and make me happy for nothing. in fact, if they tell me in the middle of the semester that they made a mistake, then i dun need to graduate liao.

我的幸福

it's been less than a week, and my pineapple tarts are already vanishing! just as i was savouring one of them, i suddenly realized that i was so blessed, to have a wonderful family that cares for me and a wonderful grandma too! feels so nice to be loved.

woohoo back to skoo!

this is the 2nd day of my very last semester in cornell, assuming i don't fail anything. as usual, ithaca welcomes us with a bout of cold weather that hit -17degC yesterday. ugh. found out some trivia from google too! apparently warmer temperatures cause snow to form, and not vice versa. therefore, when it's super cold, we actually get sunny skies! how weird hor.

still shopping around for courses -- going to try out this "christianity in africa" course for my humanities requirement... man i hate humanities! as a result i have put off taking the humanities requirement until my last semester, and now i finally can't push it back any further. hope it's interesting man. and easy. i need easy courses pls pls pls!

so tired of studying. just got a mail from Pisit (Keppel Land) asking me when i'll be graduating, cos they are restructuring their resources. yay they make space for me! even before i make my decision about whether to join keppel. so nice hor. i can only hope that they will continue to be nice AFTER i join.

oh and, stopped by at DFS in Narita to buy cigarettes for Tom (name changed to ensure anonymity). why do i do these things! against my principles man. but nmind, i will nag him non stop! day after day until he quits or until i'm not his friend anymore haha. quit man! smoking KILLS!

rrrrr.

so hard to fall

i'm walking, walking
through the night
away from the world
toward a new light

and i'm walking, walking
without a fight
on a path of surrender
that's paved in pure white

and i see your face
for it shines in the darkest place

though the journey is long
and there's no end in sight
i know i'll never be lost
when you are walking beside

though my bones are weary
and my body is weak
but it's so hard to fall
when you're with me

and i'm running home again
though the roads they are marked with pain
but as long as i'm found in you
i know that each day
brings me closer still

though the journey is long
and there's no end in sight
i know i'll never be lost
when you are walking beside

though the daylight fades
and i can barely see
but it's so hard to fall
when you're with me

thesis is over!

wow, what a relief. i am finally done with my thesis, half a semester before i graduate! it's almost impossible to describe the elation i felt when my professors said "ok thanks guys let's move on to the next presentation." wow. really want to thank sae ra and robert from the bottom of my heart for being the best team ever! they're living proof that you can do a group project without ripping each other's hearts out, and without compromising on quality. although we faced many hurdles along the way, i must say that these guys are real troopers! and thanks to chris, ezra and brandon for being wonderful professors, believing in us being so enthusiastic about our project! makes me wanna do thesis all over again! (kidding)

i'm also so grateful that God answers prayers. right before our presentation, we received horrible news that one of the critics was having serious issues with the idea of collaborative work, which was an integral component of our thesis. my professors freaked out naturally, and pressured us to present separately so as to minimize the consequences. but God gave me the confidence to stand fast and assure sae ra that there's nothing to be afraid of -- that since we have knowingly entered into a collaboration, we should champion it instead of being halfhearted and hesitant about it. and thank God, none of the critics made it an issue during our presentation, and according to Ezra, only that ONE critic remained unsure about this collaboration thing -- everyone else was apparently really supportive of us!

HAPPY. ABSOLUTE HAPPYNESS.

green tea

drinking green tea makes me think of so many things... gazing up at the beautiful terraces in china with my family; trying to force down the sushi at sakae (on numerous occasions); buying the box of pokka for char; the delicate teapots that daddy loves; and the old teahouse at neil rd (a lot of memories, that one).

i miss home!

lawrence why you leave your sweater at my place

ugh. now i have to bring extra stuff back.

haha but besides that, thanks for coming! it was great having someone visit, even though previously i was like, wahhh, i just want to slack at home over thanksgiving and not do anything....

but yeah it's really kinda nice to be able to talk to someone about my life, my rship, esp when we have had similar experiences and stuff.

and also glad to be able to offer some comfort to a friend who's gone through quite a bit of trials and tribulations, even though we haven't been very close before. it's nice to see how God brings people in and out of our lives, sometimes for a long while, sometimes for just a blink of an eye... but always with a purpose. hopefully this is the start of a nice friendship though!

does it actually help

when i say those words, do they actually make any difference at all? cos they make all the difference to me when you say them.

even though neither of us can claim that we know how to comfort each other during bad times, somehow i feel better even when you fumble and tell me you just have no idea what to say. cos no matter what i'm going through, the mere thought of you being upset about not being able to comfort me just makes me so scared that i stop being upset immediately.

well, i know that such a thing is just ridiculous to you. maybe it somehow makes you feel better when you think that your bf is such an idiot that he can't even say simple things to comfort you, that you have no choice but to handle things yourself. but i dunno... all i know is that when your heart is broken, mine is too. whoever hurts you hurts me... and i'll gladly let you say hurtful words to me if it transfers some of the hurt away from you. just try not to do it too often ok? cos i'm not as strong as you may think i am.

am i not cool?

i'm on facebook, but i don't do anything on it except add friends when i get friend requests. as a result, i hardly get poked, no one writes on my wall, and i don't even really know how to navigate facebook. i was talking about this facebook phenomenon with yc and lawrence, and i'm starting to wonder if i'm missing out on something... it's like, so many people are so into facebook that the fact that i'm not active in it makes me feel like i am a socially awkward, unconnected loner. but i'm not! i'm actually a nice guy with friends! (i think) but i don't know... now that these websites create another level of connection with people, could my current ambivalence towards it mean that i'm not actively maintaining my friendships with people? i wonder...

i guess i should talk to my friends more. but not on facebook lah.

back in new york city!

just came to nyc for my 3/4 review, and boy do i miss this place! i wonder what i miss though... perhaps it's the creativity of the buskers all over the place, or the bright lights, or maybe just the frenzied energy of this city that makes such a stark contrast with my beloved un-happening ithaca!

can't wait to see yongchuan again too, it's been so long since i last saw him, and sometimes it just seems so sad cos i feel like everytime people relocate or begin new phases in life, friendships inevitably suffer. and it doesn't help that i'm not really a very good maintainer of friendships in the first place!

but even as i regret the diminishing of my existing friendships, it's also so exciting to be making new friends! like my new housemates, like the freshies, like the fcs people... and all this even though i always thought that i wouldn't be able to relate to anyone cos i'm a fifth year student (as if retained like that...like sec 5 student) and everyone is like SO YOUNG compared to me. well... not actually lah. i still feel pretty young, even though it seems like everyday i'm faced with increasingly "real life" situations which demand that i grow up and stop assuming that as long as i'm a student, i don't have to think of anything else besides being a student.

i wanna write more songs! more more more!

i-love-yous

it's so nice to hear you say you love me, without having to say it first. i don't think i've surfaced from that sea of bliss yet... the joy of knowing that someone misses you and is happy when she thinks of you. in a very good way, i feel like i've really found a girlfriend, finally. and i don't ever want to get out of this state! i hope that every time you say you love me, my heart will be filled with this warm fuzzy tingling feeling, even when we're all old and wrinkled.

and i know that we've gotten this far not because of anything that we really accomplished by our own strength. i am thankful every day.

little white balls of fury

it's snowing!!!!

little white flakes of samurai stars zipping down the sky to impale us!

don't go out folks or you'll be hurt! stay indoors at all costs! if possible, sleep it all off! don't worry the nightmare will be over in about 6 months, nothing to get excited about really....

in the meantime, let's all cuddle in our jackets and blankets etc and watch Heroes!

King of Kings

So here's a new song, still pretty raw so i welcome feedback! in Christ i have found a new life, and His love is just so much, so much better than anything this world can offer!

Nothing compares
To the joy that You bring
Your spirit inside me
My heart starts to sing

Jesus Jesus You are my King of kings

No feast on earth can satisfy
The hunger in me
But the bread of life
Is all that i need

Jesus Jesus You are my King of kings

I count all things but loss
Before the One that i found
He is Jesus Christ my Lord most high
My way, my truth, my life

Though riches may tempt me
And beauty deceives
There's nothing more precious
Than Your blood i received

Jesus Jesus You are my King of kings

The devil attacks me
Condemning my sins
But i know that in You
I am whole i am clean

Jesus Jesus You are my King of kings

I count all things but loss
Before the One that i found
He is Jesus Christ my Lord most high
My way, my truth, my life

You are my banner of victory
Lord of glory i give You my praise
You are my saviour deliverer
Jesus Jesus You are my King of kings

labels!

i finally took the trouble to go through all my blogs and label all of my songs! so happy, now i have a "my songs" label, so professional siah!

it's actually quite surprising to see that i have more songs/poems than i had previously imagined... can cut album liao! but i'll probably never get down to doing it. not that my songs are really album worthy, but one day i do hope to record them, especially the worship songs that Jesus has given me recently! such a blessing to be able to write for my saviour.

i also bought an electric tuner! now i don't have to keep on feeling useless when i tune my guitar, cos i'm just SO bad at listening for pitch differences. of course, got it for walmart, so i think it will probably spoil within a week. BUT i'm still happy for now.

new song coming up!

got the chorus (at least the first part), and a tentative melody, but if anyone sees this please help me add lyrics!

i count all things but loss
before the one that i found
he is jesus christ my lord most high
my way, my truth, my life

Let Your Love Flow Through Me

The title of this new song has always been in my heart. As Christians, we love others not because of who they are, or who we are, but because of the love that Jesus has for all of us, the kind of love that saw Him die a horrible death on the cross for the salvation of each and every one of us. This song describes my hope that I can be an empty vessel for the love of Christ to flow through and pour out into this world.

I was born as a sinner
In a world full of pain
But in your grace i find forgiveness
You deliver me from shame

There is nothing I can offer
But you love me all the same
Now I'll rise up as your banner
So that all will know your name

Let your love
Flow from me
So the whole world can see
why you gave your life
on calvary
What it means to be free

Let your light
Shine through me
In every word that I breathe
Let me be renewed, let my life be proof
That my Saviour reigns in me

I'll fill my heart with worship
And I'll fill my songs with praise
I'll rise up as your banner
So that all will know your name

Back to the Summer

looks like ithaca is reversing its weather clock! instead of getting colder, we're getting warmer! My theory is that Bush has secretly installed fossil-fuel driven super engines below the US to propel us closer to the Middle East. So that very soon nobody can tell him to take the US out of Iraq -- we'd all be stuck there!

Other news -- I tried to write another song today but failed miserably. So just sitting tight and waiting for God's voice! Excited.

Other other news -- stupid DBS... first got iBanking secure device, now got some iB message thing that i need to get a one-time password from before I can start using iBanking. and I have to sign and mail them the application form all the way from Ithaca! why, why do you have to do this to me. now i can't touch all the money i have in my bank!!!!! (which might be good though, maybe the stocks are going to fall like crap this week, and by the time i get my iB message thing to work, i'll be right in the middle of the good deals! see i'm so good at comforting myself) But please let HL Asia go up lah.... don't drop anymore already!!!!

Lead Me, Jesus

It's amazing how the songs that God gives me only take minutes to write, while the songs I think of take hours, or days.

There is a shepherd
He enters the gate
He knows who I am

I hear His voice
And I rise to follow
As He calls out my name

And I cry
Lead me, Jesus
I'll have no one else but You
To lead me, Jesus
I know I'm safe with You

You are my shelter
You are my rest
You are all I need

You are the water
That quenches this thirst
And sets my spirit free

And I cry
Lead me, Jesus
I'll have no one else but You
To lead me, Jesus
I know I'm safe with You

I know I'm safe with You

Cos while I'm weak
You are strong
And though I'm sick
You are the cure
And when I'm empty
You make me whole
My Saviour and my Lord

human power

Potenco, a spin-off from Squid Labs, has come up with this dynamo-like contraption that generates electricity by the work of a human hand pulling the cord. It is described in greater detail in the following excerpt from We-Make-Money-Not-Art:

Potenco is a portable, robust and ergonomic power generator: just pull a cord for a minute and it generates electric power for up to several hours. It can be used to power mobile phones, PDAs, lighting products, digital cameras, etc.

Compared to a crank, Potenco generates 5 times more power, it can be pulled 5 times longer before the user senses fatigue; it's quieter, lighter and more robust.

One minute of pulling gives 1 hour of light, 25 minutes of talk time on the phone, 230 minutes of iPod shuffle use, 45 minutes on the Nintendo DS. Millions of units will be distributed in the next few years.

Potenco has been selected as the power provider for the $100 Laptop (One Laptop per Child).

Looks like there really is a potential for human beings to generate power, and one minute of pretty much effortless pulling on a cord to generate 230 minutes of iPod shuffle use? not bad!

Just thinking, what about harnessing energy from walking? Imagine if malls lined their floors with micro generators that spew energy as people trod on them? Then putting on weight and going for aimless window shopping would no longer be seen as deplorable vices, but instead, little contributions to the bigger good of saving the earth!

Is this enough for an architectural thesis? A responsive power generating floor that tracked areas of intense use, sending thousands of micro generators to feast on the wonderfully incessant pitter patter of human feet.... Imagine a rock concert powered solely by the commendable efforts of crazy teenagers jumping up and down....

Now now, no stealing of ideas ok....

Adelaide 07 -- Driving up Mount Buller

wow. what a trip. so many things to write about that it's almost impossible to start! so i'll just randomly insert interesting events as they come to mind, and hopefully they will somehow dissolve into a coherent lump of an entry(s).

Mt Buller was totally not on the agenda, at least until the maturing stages of our trip preparation, which is to say, around the 10 1/2 th hour. somehow, just driving to the end of Great Ocean Road (GOR) and then driving back did not seem like a very satisfying journey (kinda like a Star Cruises cruise-to-nowhere-and-then-come-back-to-singapore package) and so we threw a metaphorical dart somewhere east of the GOR, gasping in surprise as it missed Melbourne and landed on the dot that was the snow-capped Mt Buller. Actually, missing Melbourne was rather intentional, as it contained memories that were very complex and best left alone, somewhere in the untrodden alleys of Back-Of-The-Mind. So Mt Buller it had to be, with a deliberate detour around Melbourne city "entirely for traffic reasons".

After making the mistake of telling Budget car hire that we were going to drive out of Adelaide (which added a whopping 5 bucks a day to our already battered budget) we decided not to tell them that we would also be driving up the more-than-likely-to-be-snow-covered roads of Mt Buller, for that would most certainly have upgraded us to a very unBudget 4WD which would have rendered even Great Ocean Road out of the question. So off we drove, intrepid adventurers that we were, with the prospect of skidding off the edge of cliffs firmly etched into our nervous minds. We also, by the way, declined the car insurance package, which would more aptly be termed Daylight Robbery. This definitely added to the thrill of adventure that ever once in awhile sent shivers down our spines, especially when passing by huge "Transformers!" trucks on their raging rampages in the opposite direction.

So somehow we reached the foot of Mt Buller, and were promptly issued snow chains from the ski rental place which loudly advertised the fact that they were free, with ski equipment rental. They told us cheerfully, just before we left, that we only need to affix our snow chains if told to do so. So, armed with our defence against the elements, we sped up towards Mt Buller, eager to make it up there before nightfall.

We didn't. By the time we reached the ticket booth (yes we need tickets to access nature, it's that precious nowadays) dusk had already enveloped us in its chilly embrace, and we were slapped with the dreadful reality that "by the way, they are fixing snow chains just about 8km up the mountain". Indeed at just about 8km up the mountain, we found ourselves in the midst of a huge army of prospective skiers, trying, many of us for the first time, to zhng our front wheels with the menacing looking chains. They were menacing indeed, especially to my fingers, which threaten to either frostbite their way off my hands or to freeze me into a permanent bond with the chains. After much frenzied negotiation with the unwieldy heaps of metal, I managed to unite them with the protesting wheels and retreat hastily to the safety of the drivers seat, only to find out that I couldn't feel the steering wheel. There it was, clear as light-on-car-ceiling, clasped docilely in my hands, but my fingers would not acknowledge its existence. They reluctantly gave in however, when Char introduced my gloves into the equation.

Before we started the snow chain ordeal, I had asked a shivering driver crouching beside me if he was putting on or taking off his snow chains. "Taking off," he replied, adding that "it's pretty bad up there". That statement was confirmed not long after, when, in quick and cheerful succession, 1) the windshield fogged up on the inside 2) we lost sight of the road divider 3) we ventured blindly into oncoming traffic 4) the snow got worse, causing everyone to high beam us 5) we discovered barely in time that our side of the road drops off into nothingness 6) an enormous show-chain-less 4WD thundered past us, leaving us feeling enormously inadequate. Nevertheless, after what seemed like many months of gluing my face to the windscreen so I could see past the glass, we managed to arrive at the parking space and, without any antifreeze in our radiator and without pulling up our wipers so they won't get frozen onto the windscreen, we clambered onto the snow taxi (another 15 bucks) which trundled us, pale and shivering, towards our ski lodge.

Jungfrau Ski Lodge, where we finally collapsed, proved to be....AMAZING (but expensive). But that is another story, and will be told another time.

instead of 2 wheels...

i got EIGHT! (above pic x2)

my mum gave me money to buy a pair of rollerblades for my birthday, and they are so cool! i dun really know why they are cool but the shop owner says they are so i believe her. after all, they're 500 bucks before the 50% discount so even if not cool also have to be cool.

so i went to east coast park to blade with winson, and i realized i can still blade! so fun! yy is also quite the trooper, didn't cry even though she fell down and scratched her knees (her knee guards just put on to look pretty only).

east coast park makes me feel singaporean. even though there are lots of expats around too, it's so nice to be in the midst of jc kids bbqing, malay families relaking in their tents and playing loud music, couples unable to find quiet enough spots to make out etc... hope my bb decides to move to the east next time so we can go more often!

anyway had a nice talk with winson too, not v often that we get to talk about stuff even though we were housemates in cornell. guess the fact that we take different courses makes it hard to really share anything in particular -- plus i am always lazy to play badminton. by the time we finished blading, i was all ready to plonk on my bed and sleep for a week... so tiring! i never thought blading can blade until so shack. but really good cardio workout man.

so anyway it's a good start, now all i need to do is learn how to cross my feet while blading backwards. i see people do until i damn jealous.

my intern?

so today my boss asked me to go with him to interview 2 potential interns for this project that we are working on. so weird right, an intern interviewing another intern... but i guess it makes sense since we will be working on the same project. haha but they are so scared! I realized that the more timid and afraid you sound, the more it makes the interviewers want to squeeze you. Anyway I think we are going to end up picking the intern that is more adept at autocad and more available but probably less creative, and less fun (library chair sort of person). Which i guess is fine... but i want someone that i would want to have lunch with! wah i so elitist.

maybe we can go library together. nearby also!

birthday boy

my birthday and nobody wants to go to church with me.

my birthday and you are unhappy with me.

my birthday and you don't even want to talk to me.



heart pain, makes me wanna sleep and dun wake up.

Virgin for life

I have never done any drugs, nor smoked a single cigarette. I intend to stay this way for the rest of my life. And I intend to live for a long time. To all of you who smoke and don't intend to quit, I say, "You are just dumb." To those who are trying to quit, you guys are heroes and I wish you all the best. To those who are thinking of picking it up, well, I have nothing to say.

Another of my uncles just kena walkover by cigarettes. It's so sad lor, that so many people still pick it up thinking that it's cool. I just came across a young malay couple with an infant, strolling at Bugis Junction, and they were both smoking. I was like wtf. And I believe so were the people around me. I was going to go up to them and say, "Are you kidding me..." But I didn't cos I have no balls but that's another story.

I have this thing for girls who smoke. And this thing usually involves me cringing when I walk past them. Especially pretty girls! SO NOT COOL.

my birthday present!

so, whoever's racking their brains trying to think of a bday present for me (and had the presence of mind to check my blog), THIS IS WHAT I WANT! A bye see kerrrr!!!! Of course here's a disclaimer. if you do buy a bicycle for me, i won't be riding it. why? cos my mum dun let me. too dangerous. why? cos singapore dowan to have bicycle lane. why? cos bicycle lane means more people will ride bicycle means less people will drive cars means less people to pay ERP. so unless the very nice pedestrians in tampines behave themselves and dun purposely walk in front of the bicycles during the shared walkway beta testing, i will never be able to ride bicycle anymore.

i am sad.

why? because nobody wants to play settlers with me. why? because everybody is too old to play board games anymore. why? because you all succcckkkk!!!!!

forgive me

please forgive me
was what i wanted to say
but it very barely
made it out that way

and the moment it left me
to briefly graze your ears
you tore them out and crushed them
upon my stream of tears

PPCC!

finally attended service at pasir panjang christ church again! it's so nice to meet all these familiar faces, esp all my friends like val and tainam, yash and meishi, tracy and daniel, vanessa, and faith! etc etc. also val's mom and auntie molly, who still looks as fiesty as ever! so weird though to be back in church without my baobei. this was probably the first time i came to church by myself, as kenneth instead of char's boyfriend. ok it's not as bad as that but it definitely felt a little like that to me today. wish you were here :( but somehow i'm also glad for this chance to interact with people by myself.

pastor chose to talk about a difficult topic today, and i do applaud him for that, even though it raised many doubts in my mind. 1 timothy 2:8-15 focused on conduct and gender roles, and it just seemed weird that pastor would choose this controversial passage to teach us about prayer and conduct. i am definitely not an authority on this, but i'm sure there are other passages that would serve the purpose just as well, while this passage could have been discussed on its own, with the preacher specifically addressing the controversy and the various opinions surrounding this.

so 1 tim 2:8-11 goes like this:

8 It is my wish, then, that in every place the men should pray, lifting up holy hands, without anger or argument.

9 Similarly, (too,) women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes,

10 but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.

11 A woman must receive instruction silently and under complete control.

12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man. ⁴ She must be quiet.

13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve.

14 Further, Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and transgressed.

15 But she will be saved through motherhood, provided women persevere in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

So first of all, I've read that modern scholarship has come to a general consensus that 1 Tim was not written by Paul, but in fact probably by one of his followers. Of course, that should not matter too much, but placed in the backdrop of the anti-Gnostic sentiments at that the time, it makes sense that this was a reaction to the Gnostic teachings that gave women lots of authority, causing division in the early Christian church.

The phrase "I do not permit" in 1 Tim 2:12 is addressing a specific situation, otherwise the author would have written "A woman must not teach...". The original text language is also more accurately translated to "I am not presently allowing", which again makes sense when we look at the passage as one that addresses the specific problems at that time.

I also have a problem with verses 13 and 14, because first, I do not understand why the fact that Adam was formed first means that men should have authority. Furthermore, Paul himself said that men and women are equal in God's eyes, and one in Christ. Verse 14 is even more perplexing, for Adam also knew that he was not to eat the forbidden fruit, and yet he let Eve convince him to. He is far from blameless. What we can infer from this is that 13 and 14 are rationalizations in response to the problem of women at that time being out of control, and not something that should be used to establish any moral high ground for men or anything of that sort.

Of course, I agree that men and women should have different roles in church, but why couldn't Pastor have used 1 Cor 12:12 to illustrate that? We are all different and equally important parts in the body of Christ, and trying to fight for the same roles will only cause enmity and division in the church. Personally, I have no problem with churches reserving pulpit roles to men, because well, it has worked for centuries and it is in the Bible. But using Adam and Eve to to justify this just seems really awkward and narrow, and especially when Pastor said himself that he went through a lot of commentaries, it really strikes me as odd that he doesn't even bring up other arguments and at least rebuke them.

But oh well, that's just my view, and it is not very scholarly anyway so I don't think I should be judgmental at all. But anyhow, I did feel revived in church today, and I hope that these 3 months in singapore will be fruitful for my spiritual growth!

melodies unto Him

here's a shout out for jiapei (and her website) which has a collection of many wonderful worship songs that she wrote, and which hopefully will have the songs on mp3 real soon! they're all such beautiful, poetic songs and they really inspire me to walk closer to God and to let myself experience His love more!

keep writing ok!

scientist

after proofreading sera's paper on nutrition and education (wah char also doing nutrition... what a small world!), i have concluded that God has been extremely kind to me by leading me away from a life in the scientific field. i remember that during my GEP orientation camp, i wrote down my aspiration as "scientist". as shuyun says, "heng." heng my art teacher Mdm Cheah "discovered" me in sec 3 and pressured me into taking art. heng i decided to take literature even though i got b3 in sec 2. otherwise i really would have become a scientist.

i don't know how anyone can find scientific papers interesting. but then again, i guess the point of scientific papers isn't for them to be interesting, but to be well, scientific and anal and world changing and all that. precisely why i am so not suited for science. OH but my boss at keppel now is really teaching me how to be anal. which, i guess, should be good for me since i have to start work in a year's time!

but anyway, so glad that my life is reasonably filled with art, literature and music, and that both my left and right brains have been lovingly nurtured all these years.

and if i manage to cease my procrastination, i might even cut an album. oh and since we're on this subject, i love coldplay's "scientist"! especially the music video. so cool.

squashed

amazingly, 2 days after playing squash for the first time since december, i am not aching! except for the big toe on my right foot, which was kinda crushed from the numerous times I jabbed it against my new shoe. i suspect it might have something to do with the fact that i actually do stomp around the court like an elephant, even though i never liked to think so. or maybe i just try too hard. need professional training man! so whoever's going to play squash/badminton/tennis, jio me ok!

on another note, miss japan (now universe) is gorgeous.

online friendship

Read an article in the Straits Times today that appeared to be condemning the rise in online friendships. Is it really that bad? Pen pals have been in existence since i dunno, decades ago? What makes a disembodied friend any less of a friend than one whom you can see and/or touch? Fundamentally, friends provide comfort, support, encouragement and listening ears. Do these actually require a physical presence?

There is often a great concern that when a friendship is limited to online communication, there is no way of knowing whether the person on the other side is really who he/she claims to be. People often fudge their descriptions to make themselves appear more attractive, even going to the extent of using fake photographs and completely false identities. My question is, so what? If my girlfriend dumps me and I have no one else to turn to, does it matter that the online friend I pour my troubles to isn't really a 19 year old blonde theatre student in UCLA? What matters is that she/he is there to listen, to give advice and to comfort an aching heart. Yes, of course people get tricked into potentially dangerous relationships via online chat rooms, but with our increasingly discerning and media savvy users, and with the right angle of education, such situations are definitely avoidable. Abhorring the idea of online friendships is in my opinion, pretty backward looking.

This is not to say that online friendships are better than "real-life" friendships. Nor are they worse. They are just different, and should hence serve different purposes. One obviously should not totally depend on online friendships, otherwise one might become socially inept in a world that is still very physical in nature. However, just relying on "real-life" friends can be difficult for some, and downright traumatic for others. In a society that heaps so much importance on physical appearance, being ugly can be as big a handicap as being, well, handicapped.

I have friends whom I play sports with, I have friends who are my housemates, and classmates, and I also have friends whom I have never (physically) met before. All these people make my life a rich and multi-layered one, and keep me happy and contented in a world that can often be cruel and lonely.

So for the author of that article, I would want to urge her to try out online friendships, before she makes sweeping judgements like that. Of course, I think that having 1000 friends on facebook is just excessive, much like having an 80gig music library. Friends should be more than just statistics.

So on this note, I'd like to thank everyone out there who is my friend, whether material or immaterial. Thanks for helping me weave the beautiful web that is my life :)

Invisible

This is a new song I wrote... the first verse has been in my head for like months.... and yesterday something just clicked and I wrote the whole song down :)

Take my hands
And lead me through this maze of thorns
Dry my tears
So I can see again
Pick me up
For my legs refuse to stand
Touch my heart
So I can feel again

And let your fingers play
Their rhythm on my face
I'm dancing to your strings
They are invisible
Invisible

Spin me round
So I feel alive again
Sing me songs
That never fade away
Hold me close
Let your fire fill my soul
Set me free
But never let me go

Your breath is on my skin
It sways me like the wind
I'm floating on your wings
They are invisible
Invisible

There's nothing like surrender
To a face I cannot see
I know by now it's pointless
To resist what's holding me
So calm this heart and help me
To believe that you are near
Invisible
Invisible

Things to come?

If we can increasingly do work and make money on the internet, what is going to happen to all those industries (like financial institutions, media industries) that have up till now been centered in cities but are actually less reliant on close physical proximity of individuals than industries like manufacture and agriculture etc? As huge office buildings start to become obsolete, and the home increasingly regains importance as a hub for work, leisure and social life, will this herald a new age where cities no longer retain their importance as attractors for economic and social activity?

I believe that the rise of the internet has the ability to impact the urban structure and architecture in many ways, most importantly in terms of dissolving the city into decentralized towns based on primary and secondary industries, moving away from our environmentally harmful sprawls of skyscrapers and dense infrastructure. The office skyscraper is, to me, fast becoming a harmful redundancy, because not only is it detrimental to nature due to its urban footprint, it forces people to commute from their homes, often in automobiles, which continue to use up valuable resources and produce tons of toxic outputs. The skyscraper itself is highly energy dependent, what with its great demands on HVAC and lighting systems. If one day the tools for digital video conferencing and online transactions become so commonplace that it removes the need for people to congregate physically at a location for tertiary work, then it would eliminate the need for a significant contributor to environmental degradation. And I believe that the day isn't that far away.

NEW YORK - The Internet is causing something of an earthquake in the US media industry, which last year reported a nearly twofold increase in job cuts as more people turn to the Web as their main source for news.

Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a New York-based global outplacement firm that tracks job cuts, said 17,809 media jobs were eliminated in 2006, an 88 per cent increase over 2005, when 9,453 job cuts were announced.

The downsizing is expected to continue, the company said, pointing to more than 2,000 job cuts announced by media companies in the first half of January.

'These (media) organisations will continue to make adjustments as their focus shifts from print to electronic,' said Mr John Challenger, chief executive of Challenger, Gray and Christmas.

'Until they can figure out a way to make as much money from their online services as they are losing from the print side, it is going to be an uphill battle,' he added.

Mr Challenger said news organisations today have no choice but to build a strong online presence or risk 'fading into oblivion', and they must compete with an exploding number of bloggers, industry sites and others vying for people's attention.

According to a recent study by the Washington-based Pew Research Centre, 50 million Americans turn to the Internet every day to seek out news. Only 17 per cent say they get their news from a national paper.

Another Pew survey found that the number of Americans who go online for housing information has doubled since 2000.

'Everything that you used to rely on newspapers for can be found on the Internet,' Mr Challenger said. 'The decline in newspaper and newsweekly subscriptions will continue as more and more people purchase computers and gain access to the Internet.' -- AFP

what i did during my holidays

This holiday, i:

1. went to my first engagement party (where i wasn't the "family" in dear Mr Lau and family).
2. sat the luge at sentosa.
3. got a tennis racket for christmas!
4. thought about getting a hdb flat.
5. downloaded maplestory onto my comp for my sis.
6. went to bangkok (again) (and burnt many holes in my pockets).
7. celebrated 1st christmas with char!
8. quarrelled a bit
9. patched up.
10. did mildly naughty things.
11. drove my dad's mercedes finally!
12. drove my mum's peugeot finally!
13. drove char's mum's swift finally!
14. read death note the manga, watched the anime, and didn't watch the movie.
15. played tennis.
16. rediscovered my badminton serve after mysteriously losing it for no reason.
17. got a suit! (which partially explains the holes in my pockets after bangkok)
18. had lots of fun with my family!!! (i'm actually watching my little sis grow up!)
19. recorded a new song (though rather poorly).
20. didn't do any work.

kids

why do we want to have kids? is it just an animal's instinct to reproduce and ensure the survival of our species? is it because everyone else (and especially all the celebrities nowadays) are having kids, and we don't want to be perceived as infertile/selfish/uncool/etc? is it because we yearn to care for and unconditionally love someone for the rest of our lives, and can't do it unless we create this person out of our own bodies? is it to prove to ourselves (and our friends and relatives) that we are capable of nurturing someone? or is it a last-ditch attempt at reliving our own lives, unmaking the mistakes we've made, letting "ourselves" enjoy what we've never got to enjoy in our own lives, showing our parents that we know better (and often realizing that they really did know better), and so on...?

i have a little sister 14 years younger than me. i watched her grow up, and sometimes when i look at her pic i almost start tearing because i love her so much.

i think for me, i want to have kids because really, there's no way i can keep inside me all the love i have received from God and from my parents all these years. i know i have to pass it on, and give my life to a little kid (or kids) just like how it's been for me.

lying

why do you keep trying to convince me that i'm good enough for you, when we both know that i'm not? if i was, why are you upset with me almost every day?

i feel like i'm getting really familiar with that dull pain in my heart nowadays.

just went for a really sweet engagement party. it just makes me melt everytime i see a couple constantly gazing into each other's eyes when they are talking to other people. for me, that's a great sign of love -- when what you say and do doesn't belong to you alone, but to both you and your partner.


i wish i could love you without having to hate myself.

Something They Missed

I wake up alone
There’s no one beside me
That’s what I need
The voice in my head says
You like it this way
And I agree
Cos it’s not like
I have anything else to see
Cos it’s not like
I have anywhere else to be

But there must be something I missed
Cos when you’re smiling at me
It’s like I’m finally breaking the surface
And I’m starting to breathe

There must be something I missed
Cos when your lips touch my skin
You tear this wall into pieces
And set me free

They tell me you’re dangerous
Don’t trust those angel wings
She’ll throw them away
Once you say you can’t pay
For those pretty things
Cos it’s not like
I have anything much to give
Cos it’s not like
There is anything more to me

But there must be something they missed
Cos when you reach out to me
I feel like the storm is clearing
And I’m starting to see

That there’s something they missed
Cos when you’re right here with me
I know that you’ll be staying
And I’ll never leave

pieces

coming back to singapore once again.

i realize that "home", and "belonging", are becoming increasingly abstract concepts. i can't find anything or anyone here that can just embrace the whole of my being, and allow me to rest knowing that i am accepted for who i am. there is no place for the entirety of my spirit to dwell...

instead i am portioned out, pieces of me distributed amongst interested parties, such that at the end of the day, wherever i end up, i am always that much less than what i'm supposed to be.

i don't even know what to say anymore. maybe i'm tired. maybe i'm very very tired.

i'm sad -- will someone share these tears with me?

singing a song

i've spent the last week trying to perfect the song i just wrote (well i wrote it some time ago, but without the melody)... changing bits and pieces of the lyrics, trying to squeeze in some nice turns of melody into the chorus, etc etc... playing it over and over and over again. of course i make sure i didn't play it too loud in case my neighbour thinks i only know one lousy song and and i'm trying to show her i can play CFGCFG on the guitar 500 times in 1 hour.

suddenly i start wondering, why do i keep playing this song? don't people get tired of songs after awhile? so i sit here and actually stare at the wall for awhile, trying to determine if i'm actually narsicisstically basking in my songwriting "skills", or if there's some other weird reason for my obsession. then it hit me. everytime i play the song, i think of you. i was like, are you sure.... they only do that in movies lor. but really, it's true. everytime i sing, when i reach the part that says "even if it seems/like i'm too far away/to make any kind of difference", you pop into my head. and at "someone wants to warm us/when we're feeling cold", again. i think it'll be different if i sing it to you though, cos then it becomes a performance. here, alone in my little room, i can actually say the words to you, knowing that they'll fly halfway around the world into your subconscious, and infect you with some mysterious joy that you can't put a finger to. here in my room i can close my eyes and mean every single word.

i wish you're thinking of me now. i feel like i'm actually writing this -- saying this to you even though you're probably going to be the last one to read this... not your fault of course, i know exams are coming and all that -- but yah, here, without having to look you in the eyes, i feel i can pour out my heart to you and yet be sure that you won't just laugh it off in your typical embarrassed manner, as if you can't believe that i love you so much.

i can't wait to kiss you again. seriously. i see so many people kissing on tv but i know we kiss so much better than any of them! crossing my fingers that this thought applies to you too.

so, back to my song. i guess when i finally get to see you again, i'll finally get to stop playing it :)

the homeless girl

you want to get out of the sun
like a garden snail retreat into your shell
but all the doors are shut
and you're melting onto the sidewalk

their refuse is your cloak
your camouflage
no one sees you
as you slowly dissolve

you wish you could fly --
to hover at chest level
so they'd collide into you
and maybe notice

that staring back is a face
just like any other

frie rice

back in singapore, there used to be a time when i would look at the zi cha stall, licking my lips, and then finally deciding sullenly that I'll skip the fried rice this time and save up for another day.

now in nyc, i eat fried rice every day, because it's like the cheapest meal available this side of spanish harlem. everyday i go to the same chinese restaurant, and tell the girl there "chicken/shrimp/beef fried rice please", whereby she'll reply, "chickin/shrimp/beef frie rice?" and i'll say, "yes" and can you believe, it, the "frie rice" comes out in 2 minutes.

i really don't know how they do it, but it's freaking faster than macdonalds! doesn't say very much about the care they put into making these humble morsels, but they taste good! i mean, i've eaten "frie rice" every single day and i'm not sick of it yet. i've had a few bouts of diarrhoea though, which i try my best to attribute to other things like the weather. come on it's 3 dollars! i mean 2.95. i can't give it up man, it's like a drug. sweet, mind-numbing drug. with lots and lots of oil.

oh gawd i wish i was rich.

living alone

not easy.

everyday i yearn for the comforting voices of familiar friends, for smiles and idle chatter. all i hear is the incessant drone of my air filter, now resigned to recycle the cigarette smoke stench in the room, despite its initial valiant efforts otherwise.

i fear that when i finally return to civilization, i will have nothing left to talk about.

you are everything

you are everything
that i don't see
you fill the air
and it slips past me

but like a gentle stream
you soothe my skin
and you melt my soul
without me knowing

the very next day.

i really shouldn't have made everything seem so easy... i feel now what you surely used to feel a year ago... neglected, half forgotten... the only difference is that a year ago, i gave myself no excuses. i was always sorry, wasn't i? bad time management, skewed priorities, etc. now the tables are turned but only partially. you have all these justifications, you're stressed, you're not superman unlike me, so why can't i be more understanding?

you're right you know, i shouldn't have attached any significance to this anniversary. 2 years... i felt so bad and so nervous for one whole week you know, trying to figure out a way to let you know that this is important to me, that you are important to me. and you do know now don't you? i love you so much and do you know why? cos my heart doesn't break for anyone else.

i just wanted to make you smile. but only after i managed that feat did i realize that i need so much to smile myself, to fill that hollow inside me.

it used to be that anniversaries meant so much more to you than it did to me -- i could never really wrap my hands around that concept. but why do i attach so much significance to it now?

the selfish me wishes you never came to australia, that you never started on this journey. the other selfish me wishes you'd just forget about me and leave me behind, so that i can catch my breath and recover.

i'm writing this here only because i'm pretty sure you'll never read it.

Not Alone

When the lights go out
And there’s nothing you can see
Remember to turn around
And hold out your hand for me

Even if it seems
Like I’m too far away
To touch this heart that hungers
Like a flower for the rain

Even if it seems
Like a best-forgotten dream

Just stay....just stay....just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

You have been the match
That set my heart alight
So let me always be the flame
To help you walk at night

And if one day I burn
When my wick has reached its end
I’ll know I wasn’t wasted
Cos you held me in your hand

Just stay.... just stay.... just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

disturbing....

today i sat in the bus reading my Newpaper, with an old man beside me humming some weird and irritating chinese opera tune. that was of course interesting enough for me, but every time i turned the page, he would stop his musical rendition to read out the headlines for the benefit of the entire vicinity. and his diction was actually quite clear and precise for someone of his ahem... mental constitution....

to make matters worse, the Newpaper is often known for its eye-catching headlines like "Man stabs ex-wife's lover and cuts off his.... " which was what the old man promptly announced. he even made a theatrical emphasis on the "...."! so after 20 min of living hell, i hurriedly flung myself out of the bus and ran into oncoming traffic to end my miserable existence. of course, just before i died, i managed to catch a glimpse of another passenger innocently taking her seat beside this amazing character, with her husband standing beside her. i can only hope she wasn't carrying any reading material.

one arm big one arm small

that's my aim! now that i've sort of picked up tennis, my aspiration is to have a huge gigantic musculalalalar right arm in no time! since there's not going to be so much volleyball to play in NYC, i assume that my left arm is going to start getting flabby soon, unless i rescue it by doing lots of backhanded volleys too! so fun, tennis. most fun part is that i might actually start getting a tan. now all i have to do is to buy a tennis racket and stop freeloading from pple....

coming home

who is to keep me from the cold
when my heart is frozen still
there's no one to hold am i walking alone
in this cruel unending chill

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

who is to save me from the ghosts
of a dark and dreary past
i cry out for someone to watch over me
on this lonesome restless life

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

and it's me you see
coming home to Thee
i stand at your door
catching my breath
i'm done with this race
in you i will rest
you're my salvation

some thoughts...

can i still lead you if you are not willing to follow? what is the point of imagining a wonderful life ahead if everything we're doing now seems to point towards disaster? will things change just because we feel that they should? being children of God doesn't absolve us of sin... it just erases the ultimate consequence.

Love is...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

What I want for my birthday

It's raining out
Do you mind if I stayed awhile?


What do I want for my birthday? I want to be less forgetful. It's hard enough to have Char scold me about not dressing right, turning at wrong junctions, and I really really don't need the additional burden of having to rack my brains to remember who exactly we were supposed to meet at what time tomorrow. Or what she told me 5 min ago.

Really, it's not that I don't care about what she says, but I just CAN'T remember things! I forget names the moment I stop shaking hands. I forget what I was trying to look for in the fridge. I forget why I set my alarm at 5pm. etc etc. You see, this is a mental handicap, it's not that I wilfully disregard everything she says, dumping it into the far recesses of my mind as though they were unsightly bits of trash. My brain just lacks the M:\ drive for storing all the .misc items in my life. My theory is that if I had this capacity, I would probably have lost out on something else equally important, like my ability to burp/fart unnoticeably. It's all genetic and I can't help it that the sperm with the missing M:\ had to also be the fastest swimmer right?

So for my birthday, I ask for memory. Just 80Gb more ok, I'm not very demanding wan. Come to think of it, maybe ipods should have selective information storage functions. Imagine a earphone that also has a built in sound recording device, automatically bookmarking conversations that have "meeting"/"[any-day-of-the-week]"/"my name is..." and other customizable phrases. Then when the time comes just need to put your hand in your pocket and discreetly scroll up and down......

But what I want is just extra memory. NOT an IPOD.

Long sleeved shirts and black pants

I'm now a working adult!

Well not exactly...i'm just a tiny little intern in the mammoth that's Keppel Land. Today's my second day at work, and i'm already using MSN, surfing the net and BLOGGING! (now = lunchtime) I am also concurrently trying to paint a picture on Microsoft Paint with just my touchpad. Not easy. Of course, this is not to say that I haven't been given any work, just that things here seem to be going a tad slower than I've expected. They were telling me that it's going to be really busy but no leh, where got? I think at some offices the definition of busyness is different from other places.

This morning I decided to relieve my mum of the responsibility of driving me to work, and took the bus instead. During which many things happened:

1. I found out that i forgot to zip my pants, which would have been disastrous if I had gone to office without realizing.
2. I figured out how to discreetly solve this problem with the help of my slingbag and a busload of sleeping commuters.
3. I saw a newspaper guy distributing TODAY to waiting passengers with Kung Fu efficiency. Really... half crouched, legs spread apart, thrusting the papers as though they were lethal knives into his enemies. Who just stood there jostling to be killed. It was quite a sight!

I also read that Taylor Hicks is now the hot favourite for American Idol glory, with gorgeous Mcphee as the underdog. To think that I was faced with ridicule when I first suggested after the Top 12 episode that Taylor was my American Idol winner! HAH. what have you got to say now sera???? At least now even Simon has nothing to say. To be honest, Taylor was always the Idol finalist who's the most likely to make 5 albums without people tiring of him. Just looking at his face and body language already makes you wanna smile, even though his dance moves are sometimes rather horrific. But new dance moves are always greeted with horror and derision, no? So don't worry Taylor, very soon we're going to have grey-haired teenage girls spasming their way into alcohol lalaland on the dance floor. That's EVEN if Katharine were to stage an upset and walk away with the Idol title.

I can't wait for Battlestar Galactica to start again!!!! Don't we all miss Sharon? Even though she's now evil Cylon Sharon, but no one cares! Again another brilliant TV series that's dismissed by the uninformed as 70s bullshit. Till then, though, I will have to content myself with Singapore Idol and the World Cup, which already promises to contribute to drastically reduced productivity all over the world. And lots of bleary-eyed students and workers everywhere.

brokeback mountain (spoilers!)

just watched brokeback mountain! i must say it's quite an impactful movie, if only because heath ledger and jake gyllenhall totally immersed us audiences into their characters. so much so that i probably won't be able to watch another of their movies again without getting reminded of homosexuality.

i won't say that there was much of a storyline, but maybe that was the point of the whole movie as well -- that the lives of these two lonely cowboys, apart from their occasional trysts on brokeback mountain, are just totally unfulfilled, confused and lost. i'm sure lots of us have our own little skeletons in our closets, and this movie really brings to light the danger of letting them become obsessions that then fester and consume us, until we find ourselves not so different from heath ledger's character ennis at the end of the movie. his words, "Jack, I swear..." omg that just tears me apart man. is he blaming jack for the state of his life now? is he cursing how jack just left him for good without even a word? but then look at the tenderness with which he buttons up that bloodstained shirt -- is he just saying that he'll never be able to forget what they shared between them? well i guess it'd be all of that.

i don't think any of my friends felt offended or uncomfortable watching this movie, because in the end, it's just a great tragic story of forbidden love that of course has the power to transcend all cultural taboos and apprehensions and all that... it could have been between two rabbits for all i cared. just an interesting note -- the writer of the original short story that this movie was based on commented that anyone who's confident and comfortable about his/her sexuality would have no trouble viewing this film, and that people like jack and ennis would probably be the ones who cannot bear to see it.

anyway, loved the film. of course crash was told much better and deserved the oscar, but this is definitely a very very memorable movie.

Ignorance = Bliss

Would you rather find out after knowing a person for a few years that he/she is an asshole? Or would you rather find out right at the start and thank the gods that you were smart enough to steer clear? People always tell me things like "I knew he/she was a horrible person the moment I saw him/her!" but I beg to differ. I believe that people are what you make of them.... if you choose to see the good in someone, and choose to bring it out, it really doesn't matter what others think. If you are friends with someone whom other people shun, it doesn't mean that you're stupid, it just means that the rest of them can't see the full picture.

I believe that avoiding people with certain "undesirable" characters only says that you are afraid, that you don't think you can cope, that you're only capable of living with a select bunch of people. Being elitist is not a sign of sophistication, it's a sign of cowardice.

So too everyone who's hesitating to be a friend, please step out of your comfort zone and put a smile on your face the next time you talk to that obnoxious colleague of yours. Cos you never know when it'd be the other way round for you :)

I will go

There's nothing I can see
That you didn't mean to be
There's nothing in my possession
That you didn't leave for me

There's nothing I could do
If you didn't see me through
You lift me up you carry me
And the dark dissolves for you

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

And sometimes I forget
To bow my head and pray
And thank you for this life you gave me
The breath of every day

Cos you fight my every battle
You win my every war
You gave me all I could ever want, Lord
And you promised so much more

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

Daddies be good

I just listened to John Mayer's Daughters, and it's so true! I want to teach my children to love, but I guess the only way is to love them first, and show them that it's something they should value. I realize that the only way to get Char to appreciate me is to do the same for her -- something that I haven't always managed to do. Sometimes we can't help but tell ourselves, yah i want to be nice, but not if he/she's treating me that way!

But it IS possible to take the first step. Even if we get hurt the first time, it's still possible to love again. We don't have to wait for the other person to take the first step, or to apologize, or to stop whatever they're doing that pisses us off.

But then again, pride is such a powerful thing sometimes isn't it?

Anyway here are the lyrics to this wonderful song:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

CNY!

i think i'm starting to like performing! last sunday during our CNY dinner, i went up to stage (ok not technically UP cos there wasn't really a stage) to perform a few songs with our newly formed and probably now defunct band which doesn't yet have a name, and i think it's really getting easier! In fact, I found it a lot more fun playing and singing my own song than other peoples' songs. Just remembering last year during SOS (singaporeans on stage), I was so nervous that I couldn't really put my heart into singing -- it was more of, are my chords right? am i getting faster? etc etc. But this time, with such a steady band, i could just go all out and ktv to my heart's content.

pretty glad that the song was well received... :) (who needs singapore idol right? hahahaha) but it would have been great if charlotte was there and i could dedicate the song to her instead of just telling her afterwards that i dedicated the song to her. (she wasn't really impressed.... sigh...) but anyway, i'm glad i can sing and write and draw and all that, cos sometimes you just feel so much about someone or something that your need to express goes beyond just saying I love you, or complaining to your best pal about a horrible breakup. You need to record it, to revisit it time and again, to exclaim it to everyone around you.

So this is more precious to me than being able to study or do math assignments or cook or play volleyball. sometimes i wish i were born a little later. 5 years ago, it would be inconceivable to even think about going into the music industry, but now it's such a big thing -- entertainment, expression, culture... you can be famous for just TRYING to be famous! of course, not that i'm going to take part in singapore idol. all i need is just one person who loves my songs, and can't wait for me to write more.

back to school!

so i realize that despite me hardly ever updating my blog, my blog counter still appears to register a small but steady rise in readership. i wonder why.... but nevertheless i would like to apologize to all my faithful readers out there for not having anything to add to my blog for God knows how long! of course, now that i'm back in school and free from all those distractions like Cable TV and sleeping and Cable TV, i should be reverting to more regular updates. hopefully :)

i went snowboarding yesterday on yuan jun's beseeching, and on a very thin layer of fresh snow. this being my first time boarding in almost a whole year, there was of course much falling over and tumbling and sliding, but the fact that i'm still typing is testimony of my amazing ability to stay alive against all odds. kelvin yap was there too, my fellow boarder, and it's always nice to see someone tumbling and rolling with you, especially when 10 year old kids were zipping past us with much finesse, not to mention belittling looks...

which brings me to the subject of falling. in JC, when Miss Poon (or Mr Poon depending on his/her mood) would spend one whole volleyball session teaching us how to fall and roll over (haha this is beginning to sound like dog training), it seemed to all of us that falling could actually be an art, to be mastered and conquered by only the most skillful exponents. of course, that did not deter us energetic 18 yr olds, and we diligently took to the task of tripping ourselves over and rolling across the gym, much to the delight (and bewilderment most likely) of passing schoolmates. we also did a lot of other laugh inducing exercises over the course of our training, but i will not go into details. basically, after the end of my career in high school volleyball, i considered myself to be pretty good at cushioning my body if at any time my legs were to lose contact with the ground, sending me into the uncompromising arms of gravity.

however, nobody told me about snow. when you are flying down a mountain at 30km/h (already not very fast) and suddenly your board catches a chunk of snow placed just so that it causes your board to suddenly alter its intended trajectory, you don't often realize the fact until your butt has made contact with the snow below you. and when that happens, the rolling instinct indeed starts to kick in, but is hampered by a few factors:

1. your feet are strapped to a flat board, shoulder length apart.
2. 30km/h
3. snow and ice are not exactly the perfect medium for rolling. skidding and sliding tend to be much more prevalent.
4. by the time your brain reacts, it's usually too late for it to have any say in the subsequent dynamics of your body.

meaning to say my butt hurts a lot now, and i won't be snowboarding till probably next week.

mosquito dare to bite me!

last 2 days in yunnan i suddenly got headache. so i say nevermind, lie in hotel bed also good, everyday watch tv and sleep, watch tv and sleep. but the headache turn into giddiness, then turn into fever, then turn into wake up also want to die. i tell myself that i'm going to go home liao, maybe it's the weather in yunnan... then on the way to the airport, i thought how come the driver drive the car like f1 like that, left and right, up and down, like he not happy we never puke all over his car.

so i puke all over his car.

and i also puke all over the plane. puke and puke and puke and puke.... i think about 3 times from yunnan to kl, then 2 times from kl to singapore. i puke until when the plane was landing i was still in the toilet. then i was back in singapore, and went straight to my bed to live for the next 2 days. on 1st jan, i woke up at 6am feeling like i was living in an ant nest. so i went to the toilet and on the light, and wah! rashes all over! i see already feel like puking again. but i didn't puke. instead i laosai everywhere. after laosai-ing, i went to my parents room and told my mum that i got rashes everywhere.

then suddenly i was at ttsh, and the doctor asked me so you got fever for how many days? i say 5. then i say i just came back from china.

his eyes open very wide. CHINA AH? yah. i think he scared i turn into a chicken and bite him. but i didn't, so he say nevermind i take your blood. then fast forward 2 hours, and the doctor came back and asked me, what class you want?

then i know that the mosquito bite me already.