Things to come?

If we can increasingly do work and make money on the internet, what is going to happen to all those industries (like financial institutions, media industries) that have up till now been centered in cities but are actually less reliant on close physical proximity of individuals than industries like manufacture and agriculture etc? As huge office buildings start to become obsolete, and the home increasingly regains importance as a hub for work, leisure and social life, will this herald a new age where cities no longer retain their importance as attractors for economic and social activity?

I believe that the rise of the internet has the ability to impact the urban structure and architecture in many ways, most importantly in terms of dissolving the city into decentralized towns based on primary and secondary industries, moving away from our environmentally harmful sprawls of skyscrapers and dense infrastructure. The office skyscraper is, to me, fast becoming a harmful redundancy, because not only is it detrimental to nature due to its urban footprint, it forces people to commute from their homes, often in automobiles, which continue to use up valuable resources and produce tons of toxic outputs. The skyscraper itself is highly energy dependent, what with its great demands on HVAC and lighting systems. If one day the tools for digital video conferencing and online transactions become so commonplace that it removes the need for people to congregate physically at a location for tertiary work, then it would eliminate the need for a significant contributor to environmental degradation. And I believe that the day isn't that far away.

NEW YORK - The Internet is causing something of an earthquake in the US media industry, which last year reported a nearly twofold increase in job cuts as more people turn to the Web as their main source for news.

Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a New York-based global outplacement firm that tracks job cuts, said 17,809 media jobs were eliminated in 2006, an 88 per cent increase over 2005, when 9,453 job cuts were announced.

The downsizing is expected to continue, the company said, pointing to more than 2,000 job cuts announced by media companies in the first half of January.

'These (media) organisations will continue to make adjustments as their focus shifts from print to electronic,' said Mr John Challenger, chief executive of Challenger, Gray and Christmas.

'Until they can figure out a way to make as much money from their online services as they are losing from the print side, it is going to be an uphill battle,' he added.

Mr Challenger said news organisations today have no choice but to build a strong online presence or risk 'fading into oblivion', and they must compete with an exploding number of bloggers, industry sites and others vying for people's attention.

According to a recent study by the Washington-based Pew Research Centre, 50 million Americans turn to the Internet every day to seek out news. Only 17 per cent say they get their news from a national paper.

Another Pew survey found that the number of Americans who go online for housing information has doubled since 2000.

'Everything that you used to rely on newspapers for can be found on the Internet,' Mr Challenger said. 'The decline in newspaper and newsweekly subscriptions will continue as more and more people purchase computers and gain access to the Internet.' -- AFP

what i did during my holidays

This holiday, i:

1. went to my first engagement party (where i wasn't the "family" in dear Mr Lau and family).
2. sat the luge at sentosa.
3. got a tennis racket for christmas!
4. thought about getting a hdb flat.
5. downloaded maplestory onto my comp for my sis.
6. went to bangkok (again) (and burnt many holes in my pockets).
7. celebrated 1st christmas with char!
8. quarrelled a bit
9. patched up.
10. did mildly naughty things.
11. drove my dad's mercedes finally!
12. drove my mum's peugeot finally!
13. drove char's mum's swift finally!
14. read death note the manga, watched the anime, and didn't watch the movie.
15. played tennis.
16. rediscovered my badminton serve after mysteriously losing it for no reason.
17. got a suit! (which partially explains the holes in my pockets after bangkok)
18. had lots of fun with my family!!! (i'm actually watching my little sis grow up!)
19. recorded a new song (though rather poorly).
20. didn't do any work.

kids

why do we want to have kids? is it just an animal's instinct to reproduce and ensure the survival of our species? is it because everyone else (and especially all the celebrities nowadays) are having kids, and we don't want to be perceived as infertile/selfish/uncool/etc? is it because we yearn to care for and unconditionally love someone for the rest of our lives, and can't do it unless we create this person out of our own bodies? is it to prove to ourselves (and our friends and relatives) that we are capable of nurturing someone? or is it a last-ditch attempt at reliving our own lives, unmaking the mistakes we've made, letting "ourselves" enjoy what we've never got to enjoy in our own lives, showing our parents that we know better (and often realizing that they really did know better), and so on...?

i have a little sister 14 years younger than me. i watched her grow up, and sometimes when i look at her pic i almost start tearing because i love her so much.

i think for me, i want to have kids because really, there's no way i can keep inside me all the love i have received from God and from my parents all these years. i know i have to pass it on, and give my life to a little kid (or kids) just like how it's been for me.

lying

why do you keep trying to convince me that i'm good enough for you, when we both know that i'm not? if i was, why are you upset with me almost every day?

i feel like i'm getting really familiar with that dull pain in my heart nowadays.

just went for a really sweet engagement party. it just makes me melt everytime i see a couple constantly gazing into each other's eyes when they are talking to other people. for me, that's a great sign of love -- when what you say and do doesn't belong to you alone, but to both you and your partner.


i wish i could love you without having to hate myself.

Something They Missed

I wake up alone
There’s no one beside me
That’s what I need
The voice in my head says
You like it this way
And I agree
Cos it’s not like
I have anything else to see
Cos it’s not like
I have anywhere else to be

But there must be something I missed
Cos when you’re smiling at me
It’s like I’m finally breaking the surface
And I’m starting to breathe

There must be something I missed
Cos when your lips touch my skin
You tear this wall into pieces
And set me free

They tell me you’re dangerous
Don’t trust those angel wings
She’ll throw them away
Once you say you can’t pay
For those pretty things
Cos it’s not like
I have anything much to give
Cos it’s not like
There is anything more to me

But there must be something they missed
Cos when you reach out to me
I feel like the storm is clearing
And I’m starting to see

That there’s something they missed
Cos when you’re right here with me
I know that you’ll be staying
And I’ll never leave

pieces

coming back to singapore once again.

i realize that "home", and "belonging", are becoming increasingly abstract concepts. i can't find anything or anyone here that can just embrace the whole of my being, and allow me to rest knowing that i am accepted for who i am. there is no place for the entirety of my spirit to dwell...

instead i am portioned out, pieces of me distributed amongst interested parties, such that at the end of the day, wherever i end up, i am always that much less than what i'm supposed to be.

i don't even know what to say anymore. maybe i'm tired. maybe i'm very very tired.

i'm sad -- will someone share these tears with me?

singing a song

i've spent the last week trying to perfect the song i just wrote (well i wrote it some time ago, but without the melody)... changing bits and pieces of the lyrics, trying to squeeze in some nice turns of melody into the chorus, etc etc... playing it over and over and over again. of course i make sure i didn't play it too loud in case my neighbour thinks i only know one lousy song and and i'm trying to show her i can play CFGCFG on the guitar 500 times in 1 hour.

suddenly i start wondering, why do i keep playing this song? don't people get tired of songs after awhile? so i sit here and actually stare at the wall for awhile, trying to determine if i'm actually narsicisstically basking in my songwriting "skills", or if there's some other weird reason for my obsession. then it hit me. everytime i play the song, i think of you. i was like, are you sure.... they only do that in movies lor. but really, it's true. everytime i sing, when i reach the part that says "even if it seems/like i'm too far away/to make any kind of difference", you pop into my head. and at "someone wants to warm us/when we're feeling cold", again. i think it'll be different if i sing it to you though, cos then it becomes a performance. here, alone in my little room, i can actually say the words to you, knowing that they'll fly halfway around the world into your subconscious, and infect you with some mysterious joy that you can't put a finger to. here in my room i can close my eyes and mean every single word.

i wish you're thinking of me now. i feel like i'm actually writing this -- saying this to you even though you're probably going to be the last one to read this... not your fault of course, i know exams are coming and all that -- but yah, here, without having to look you in the eyes, i feel i can pour out my heart to you and yet be sure that you won't just laugh it off in your typical embarrassed manner, as if you can't believe that i love you so much.

i can't wait to kiss you again. seriously. i see so many people kissing on tv but i know we kiss so much better than any of them! crossing my fingers that this thought applies to you too.

so, back to my song. i guess when i finally get to see you again, i'll finally get to stop playing it :)

the homeless girl

you want to get out of the sun
like a garden snail retreat into your shell
but all the doors are shut
and you're melting onto the sidewalk

their refuse is your cloak
your camouflage
no one sees you
as you slowly dissolve

you wish you could fly --
to hover at chest level
so they'd collide into you
and maybe notice

that staring back is a face
just like any other

frie rice

back in singapore, there used to be a time when i would look at the zi cha stall, licking my lips, and then finally deciding sullenly that I'll skip the fried rice this time and save up for another day.

now in nyc, i eat fried rice every day, because it's like the cheapest meal available this side of spanish harlem. everyday i go to the same chinese restaurant, and tell the girl there "chicken/shrimp/beef fried rice please", whereby she'll reply, "chickin/shrimp/beef frie rice?" and i'll say, "yes" and can you believe, it, the "frie rice" comes out in 2 minutes.

i really don't know how they do it, but it's freaking faster than macdonalds! doesn't say very much about the care they put into making these humble morsels, but they taste good! i mean, i've eaten "frie rice" every single day and i'm not sick of it yet. i've had a few bouts of diarrhoea though, which i try my best to attribute to other things like the weather. come on it's 3 dollars! i mean 2.95. i can't give it up man, it's like a drug. sweet, mind-numbing drug. with lots and lots of oil.

oh gawd i wish i was rich.

living alone

not easy.

everyday i yearn for the comforting voices of familiar friends, for smiles and idle chatter. all i hear is the incessant drone of my air filter, now resigned to recycle the cigarette smoke stench in the room, despite its initial valiant efforts otherwise.

i fear that when i finally return to civilization, i will have nothing left to talk about.

you are everything

you are everything
that i don't see
you fill the air
and it slips past me

but like a gentle stream
you soothe my skin
and you melt my soul
without me knowing

the very next day.

i really shouldn't have made everything seem so easy... i feel now what you surely used to feel a year ago... neglected, half forgotten... the only difference is that a year ago, i gave myself no excuses. i was always sorry, wasn't i? bad time management, skewed priorities, etc. now the tables are turned but only partially. you have all these justifications, you're stressed, you're not superman unlike me, so why can't i be more understanding?

you're right you know, i shouldn't have attached any significance to this anniversary. 2 years... i felt so bad and so nervous for one whole week you know, trying to figure out a way to let you know that this is important to me, that you are important to me. and you do know now don't you? i love you so much and do you know why? cos my heart doesn't break for anyone else.

i just wanted to make you smile. but only after i managed that feat did i realize that i need so much to smile myself, to fill that hollow inside me.

it used to be that anniversaries meant so much more to you than it did to me -- i could never really wrap my hands around that concept. but why do i attach so much significance to it now?

the selfish me wishes you never came to australia, that you never started on this journey. the other selfish me wishes you'd just forget about me and leave me behind, so that i can catch my breath and recover.

i'm writing this here only because i'm pretty sure you'll never read it.

Not Alone

When the lights go out
And there’s nothing you can see
Remember to turn around
And hold out your hand for me

Even if it seems
Like I’m too far away
To touch this heart that hungers
Like a flower for the rain

Even if it seems
Like a best-forgotten dream

Just stay....just stay....just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

You have been the match
That set my heart alight
So let me always be the flame
To help you walk at night

And if one day I burn
When my wick has reached its end
I’ll know I wasn’t wasted
Cos you held me in your hand

Just stay.... just stay.... just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

disturbing....

today i sat in the bus reading my Newpaper, with an old man beside me humming some weird and irritating chinese opera tune. that was of course interesting enough for me, but every time i turned the page, he would stop his musical rendition to read out the headlines for the benefit of the entire vicinity. and his diction was actually quite clear and precise for someone of his ahem... mental constitution....

to make matters worse, the Newpaper is often known for its eye-catching headlines like "Man stabs ex-wife's lover and cuts off his.... " which was what the old man promptly announced. he even made a theatrical emphasis on the "...."! so after 20 min of living hell, i hurriedly flung myself out of the bus and ran into oncoming traffic to end my miserable existence. of course, just before i died, i managed to catch a glimpse of another passenger innocently taking her seat beside this amazing character, with her husband standing beside her. i can only hope she wasn't carrying any reading material.

one arm big one arm small

that's my aim! now that i've sort of picked up tennis, my aspiration is to have a huge gigantic musculalalalar right arm in no time! since there's not going to be so much volleyball to play in NYC, i assume that my left arm is going to start getting flabby soon, unless i rescue it by doing lots of backhanded volleys too! so fun, tennis. most fun part is that i might actually start getting a tan. now all i have to do is to buy a tennis racket and stop freeloading from pple....

coming home

who is to keep me from the cold
when my heart is frozen still
there's no one to hold am i walking alone
in this cruel unending chill

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

who is to save me from the ghosts
of a dark and dreary past
i cry out for someone to watch over me
on this lonesome restless life

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

and it's me you see
coming home to Thee
i stand at your door
catching my breath
i'm done with this race
in you i will rest
you're my salvation

some thoughts...

can i still lead you if you are not willing to follow? what is the point of imagining a wonderful life ahead if everything we're doing now seems to point towards disaster? will things change just because we feel that they should? being children of God doesn't absolve us of sin... it just erases the ultimate consequence.

Love is...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

What I want for my birthday

It's raining out
Do you mind if I stayed awhile?


What do I want for my birthday? I want to be less forgetful. It's hard enough to have Char scold me about not dressing right, turning at wrong junctions, and I really really don't need the additional burden of having to rack my brains to remember who exactly we were supposed to meet at what time tomorrow. Or what she told me 5 min ago.

Really, it's not that I don't care about what she says, but I just CAN'T remember things! I forget names the moment I stop shaking hands. I forget what I was trying to look for in the fridge. I forget why I set my alarm at 5pm. etc etc. You see, this is a mental handicap, it's not that I wilfully disregard everything she says, dumping it into the far recesses of my mind as though they were unsightly bits of trash. My brain just lacks the M:\ drive for storing all the .misc items in my life. My theory is that if I had this capacity, I would probably have lost out on something else equally important, like my ability to burp/fart unnoticeably. It's all genetic and I can't help it that the sperm with the missing M:\ had to also be the fastest swimmer right?

So for my birthday, I ask for memory. Just 80Gb more ok, I'm not very demanding wan. Come to think of it, maybe ipods should have selective information storage functions. Imagine a earphone that also has a built in sound recording device, automatically bookmarking conversations that have "meeting"/"[any-day-of-the-week]"/"my name is..." and other customizable phrases. Then when the time comes just need to put your hand in your pocket and discreetly scroll up and down......

But what I want is just extra memory. NOT an IPOD.

Long sleeved shirts and black pants

I'm now a working adult!

Well not exactly...i'm just a tiny little intern in the mammoth that's Keppel Land. Today's my second day at work, and i'm already using MSN, surfing the net and BLOGGING! (now = lunchtime) I am also concurrently trying to paint a picture on Microsoft Paint with just my touchpad. Not easy. Of course, this is not to say that I haven't been given any work, just that things here seem to be going a tad slower than I've expected. They were telling me that it's going to be really busy but no leh, where got? I think at some offices the definition of busyness is different from other places.

This morning I decided to relieve my mum of the responsibility of driving me to work, and took the bus instead. During which many things happened:

1. I found out that i forgot to zip my pants, which would have been disastrous if I had gone to office without realizing.
2. I figured out how to discreetly solve this problem with the help of my slingbag and a busload of sleeping commuters.
3. I saw a newspaper guy distributing TODAY to waiting passengers with Kung Fu efficiency. Really... half crouched, legs spread apart, thrusting the papers as though they were lethal knives into his enemies. Who just stood there jostling to be killed. It was quite a sight!

I also read that Taylor Hicks is now the hot favourite for American Idol glory, with gorgeous Mcphee as the underdog. To think that I was faced with ridicule when I first suggested after the Top 12 episode that Taylor was my American Idol winner! HAH. what have you got to say now sera???? At least now even Simon has nothing to say. To be honest, Taylor was always the Idol finalist who's the most likely to make 5 albums without people tiring of him. Just looking at his face and body language already makes you wanna smile, even though his dance moves are sometimes rather horrific. But new dance moves are always greeted with horror and derision, no? So don't worry Taylor, very soon we're going to have grey-haired teenage girls spasming their way into alcohol lalaland on the dance floor. That's EVEN if Katharine were to stage an upset and walk away with the Idol title.

I can't wait for Battlestar Galactica to start again!!!! Don't we all miss Sharon? Even though she's now evil Cylon Sharon, but no one cares! Again another brilliant TV series that's dismissed by the uninformed as 70s bullshit. Till then, though, I will have to content myself with Singapore Idol and the World Cup, which already promises to contribute to drastically reduced productivity all over the world. And lots of bleary-eyed students and workers everywhere.

brokeback mountain (spoilers!)

just watched brokeback mountain! i must say it's quite an impactful movie, if only because heath ledger and jake gyllenhall totally immersed us audiences into their characters. so much so that i probably won't be able to watch another of their movies again without getting reminded of homosexuality.

i won't say that there was much of a storyline, but maybe that was the point of the whole movie as well -- that the lives of these two lonely cowboys, apart from their occasional trysts on brokeback mountain, are just totally unfulfilled, confused and lost. i'm sure lots of us have our own little skeletons in our closets, and this movie really brings to light the danger of letting them become obsessions that then fester and consume us, until we find ourselves not so different from heath ledger's character ennis at the end of the movie. his words, "Jack, I swear..." omg that just tears me apart man. is he blaming jack for the state of his life now? is he cursing how jack just left him for good without even a word? but then look at the tenderness with which he buttons up that bloodstained shirt -- is he just saying that he'll never be able to forget what they shared between them? well i guess it'd be all of that.

i don't think any of my friends felt offended or uncomfortable watching this movie, because in the end, it's just a great tragic story of forbidden love that of course has the power to transcend all cultural taboos and apprehensions and all that... it could have been between two rabbits for all i cared. just an interesting note -- the writer of the original short story that this movie was based on commented that anyone who's confident and comfortable about his/her sexuality would have no trouble viewing this film, and that people like jack and ennis would probably be the ones who cannot bear to see it.

anyway, loved the film. of course crash was told much better and deserved the oscar, but this is definitely a very very memorable movie.

Ignorance = Bliss

Would you rather find out after knowing a person for a few years that he/she is an asshole? Or would you rather find out right at the start and thank the gods that you were smart enough to steer clear? People always tell me things like "I knew he/she was a horrible person the moment I saw him/her!" but I beg to differ. I believe that people are what you make of them.... if you choose to see the good in someone, and choose to bring it out, it really doesn't matter what others think. If you are friends with someone whom other people shun, it doesn't mean that you're stupid, it just means that the rest of them can't see the full picture.

I believe that avoiding people with certain "undesirable" characters only says that you are afraid, that you don't think you can cope, that you're only capable of living with a select bunch of people. Being elitist is not a sign of sophistication, it's a sign of cowardice.

So too everyone who's hesitating to be a friend, please step out of your comfort zone and put a smile on your face the next time you talk to that obnoxious colleague of yours. Cos you never know when it'd be the other way round for you :)

I will go

There's nothing I can see
That you didn't mean to be
There's nothing in my possession
That you didn't leave for me

There's nothing I could do
If you didn't see me through
You lift me up you carry me
And the dark dissolves for you

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

And sometimes I forget
To bow my head and pray
And thank you for this life you gave me
The breath of every day

Cos you fight my every battle
You win my every war
You gave me all I could ever want, Lord
And you promised so much more

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

Daddies be good

I just listened to John Mayer's Daughters, and it's so true! I want to teach my children to love, but I guess the only way is to love them first, and show them that it's something they should value. I realize that the only way to get Char to appreciate me is to do the same for her -- something that I haven't always managed to do. Sometimes we can't help but tell ourselves, yah i want to be nice, but not if he/she's treating me that way!

But it IS possible to take the first step. Even if we get hurt the first time, it's still possible to love again. We don't have to wait for the other person to take the first step, or to apologize, or to stop whatever they're doing that pisses us off.

But then again, pride is such a powerful thing sometimes isn't it?

Anyway here are the lyrics to this wonderful song:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

CNY!

i think i'm starting to like performing! last sunday during our CNY dinner, i went up to stage (ok not technically UP cos there wasn't really a stage) to perform a few songs with our newly formed and probably now defunct band which doesn't yet have a name, and i think it's really getting easier! In fact, I found it a lot more fun playing and singing my own song than other peoples' songs. Just remembering last year during SOS (singaporeans on stage), I was so nervous that I couldn't really put my heart into singing -- it was more of, are my chords right? am i getting faster? etc etc. But this time, with such a steady band, i could just go all out and ktv to my heart's content.

pretty glad that the song was well received... :) (who needs singapore idol right? hahahaha) but it would have been great if charlotte was there and i could dedicate the song to her instead of just telling her afterwards that i dedicated the song to her. (she wasn't really impressed.... sigh...) but anyway, i'm glad i can sing and write and draw and all that, cos sometimes you just feel so much about someone or something that your need to express goes beyond just saying I love you, or complaining to your best pal about a horrible breakup. You need to record it, to revisit it time and again, to exclaim it to everyone around you.

So this is more precious to me than being able to study or do math assignments or cook or play volleyball. sometimes i wish i were born a little later. 5 years ago, it would be inconceivable to even think about going into the music industry, but now it's such a big thing -- entertainment, expression, culture... you can be famous for just TRYING to be famous! of course, not that i'm going to take part in singapore idol. all i need is just one person who loves my songs, and can't wait for me to write more.

back to school!

so i realize that despite me hardly ever updating my blog, my blog counter still appears to register a small but steady rise in readership. i wonder why.... but nevertheless i would like to apologize to all my faithful readers out there for not having anything to add to my blog for God knows how long! of course, now that i'm back in school and free from all those distractions like Cable TV and sleeping and Cable TV, i should be reverting to more regular updates. hopefully :)

i went snowboarding yesterday on yuan jun's beseeching, and on a very thin layer of fresh snow. this being my first time boarding in almost a whole year, there was of course much falling over and tumbling and sliding, but the fact that i'm still typing is testimony of my amazing ability to stay alive against all odds. kelvin yap was there too, my fellow boarder, and it's always nice to see someone tumbling and rolling with you, especially when 10 year old kids were zipping past us with much finesse, not to mention belittling looks...

which brings me to the subject of falling. in JC, when Miss Poon (or Mr Poon depending on his/her mood) would spend one whole volleyball session teaching us how to fall and roll over (haha this is beginning to sound like dog training), it seemed to all of us that falling could actually be an art, to be mastered and conquered by only the most skillful exponents. of course, that did not deter us energetic 18 yr olds, and we diligently took to the task of tripping ourselves over and rolling across the gym, much to the delight (and bewilderment most likely) of passing schoolmates. we also did a lot of other laugh inducing exercises over the course of our training, but i will not go into details. basically, after the end of my career in high school volleyball, i considered myself to be pretty good at cushioning my body if at any time my legs were to lose contact with the ground, sending me into the uncompromising arms of gravity.

however, nobody told me about snow. when you are flying down a mountain at 30km/h (already not very fast) and suddenly your board catches a chunk of snow placed just so that it causes your board to suddenly alter its intended trajectory, you don't often realize the fact until your butt has made contact with the snow below you. and when that happens, the rolling instinct indeed starts to kick in, but is hampered by a few factors:

1. your feet are strapped to a flat board, shoulder length apart.
2. 30km/h
3. snow and ice are not exactly the perfect medium for rolling. skidding and sliding tend to be much more prevalent.
4. by the time your brain reacts, it's usually too late for it to have any say in the subsequent dynamics of your body.

meaning to say my butt hurts a lot now, and i won't be snowboarding till probably next week.

mosquito dare to bite me!

last 2 days in yunnan i suddenly got headache. so i say nevermind, lie in hotel bed also good, everyday watch tv and sleep, watch tv and sleep. but the headache turn into giddiness, then turn into fever, then turn into wake up also want to die. i tell myself that i'm going to go home liao, maybe it's the weather in yunnan... then on the way to the airport, i thought how come the driver drive the car like f1 like that, left and right, up and down, like he not happy we never puke all over his car.

so i puke all over his car.

and i also puke all over the plane. puke and puke and puke and puke.... i think about 3 times from yunnan to kl, then 2 times from kl to singapore. i puke until when the plane was landing i was still in the toilet. then i was back in singapore, and went straight to my bed to live for the next 2 days. on 1st jan, i woke up at 6am feeling like i was living in an ant nest. so i went to the toilet and on the light, and wah! rashes all over! i see already feel like puking again. but i didn't puke. instead i laosai everywhere. after laosai-ing, i went to my parents room and told my mum that i got rashes everywhere.

then suddenly i was at ttsh, and the doctor asked me so you got fever for how many days? i say 5. then i say i just came back from china.

his eyes open very wide. CHINA AH? yah. i think he scared i turn into a chicken and bite him. but i didn't, so he say nevermind i take your blood. then fast forward 2 hours, and the doctor came back and asked me, what class you want?

then i know that the mosquito bite me already.

cry also no use.

your aeroplane just fly away without you.

yep! cry also no use. cry already will your plane fly back and let you sit? cry already will your gf happy happy come and sayang you? cry already will you don't have to sit here for 3 days and suck thumb?

so don't cry lor. but still sit here suck thumb.

syriana

yesterday i watched syriana. might as well have stayed home and studied 4th order differential equations or like, maybe stare at blank wall also can.... catch no ball man! i felt like one of those ah bengs who come out of movies and go, Oh, that explosion was cooool! or... Oh, remember how so and so body slam so and so into that freaking wall? cos seriously, my understanding of that movie didn't go very much beyond that level. Some things that stuck to my mind were:

(spoiler alert)


1. fingernail pulling is disgusting.
2. george clooney died... kind of loserish the way he died too.
3. you pay a famous actor enough money and he'll get fat for you.
4. fingernail pulling is disgusting.

Anyway so the movie is about the size and consequences of political agendas, and how easily the US just goes "wth!" and kills everyone (or lets everyone kill themselves). but what is the point of making the movie so complicated that it only reaches out to the most critical and politically aware of audiences? they probably know more than the movie's going to tell them anyway right? just felt that there were so many powerful messages in the movie that just got diluted and confused by the convoluted plot. but then again, maybe the point is that the middle east situation is so complex that a car bomb here, an assassination there doesn't really make any difference...

oh well, whatever it is, it made lydia fall asleep. of course yours truly cannot waste the 8.75USD (oh shit have to paypal someone) and so stayed awake throughout the movie hoping to catch the ball.

but the ball roll away. in the end i don't even know what syriana means!

but it's ok. i'm coming home liao. then can watch the other psychological thrillers like king kong and chicken little.

they don't look very scared leh

Another poem!

I don't have the words to touch you
I don't have the songs to move you
Cos there's too much to say
And words don't behave when I want them to

And you're wondering why I'm staring
With that silly smile I'm wearing
But don't look away
Cos I'm falling in love with you

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos I'm transparent in your gaze
There's nothing I can hide
While you're in this place

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos you see it in my face
You feel it on my hands
While I'm holding you


.... there's probably more to this song, but it's just not coming to me! help help :P


anyway, on a different note... i'm reading a walk in the woods by bill bryson and it's quite the funny! it's about two (probably unfit) guys trying to negotiate the appalachian trail and having the time of their lives. which pretty much describes what me and mengaun are thinking of doing next semester. we're probably not going to do the appalachian mountains, but it's probably be one of those forest bashing adventure races that are for people very much fitter than the both of us combined. but what the heck right. after my cayuga lake stint, i'm feeling invincible! or rather, i'm confident that nice americans with warm comfy homes will pop out of nowhere when i desperately need them. who knows, i'm sure people live in swamps and dense forests right?

training regiment in singapore will include a little bit of kayaking, a little bit of finding our way around bukit timah (ok maybe more challenging than that) and lots of laksa and hokkien mee! so that when i'm tired and hungry, i can fill my delirious mind with hunger quenching images of me gulping down a bowl of piping hot laksa. yah i like to reverse-psychology myself.

kind of half-heartedly looking for adventuremates as well, so here's some pics from our very own walk in the woods in virginia to entice whoever!

meng aun inviting snide chuckles with hiking pole

virginia team. canuf's backpack substituting for canuf

untitled

i know you're sad
it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

how i long for the times we've shared
when nothing was bitter
when we'd talk for hours
and fascinate each other
with our separate lives

but now our words have gone dry
our apologies laced with salt
with which i rub your wounds
while you tear at mine

and so we cripple ourselves
though we were once whole
and beautiful
our lives woven
into barbed wire fences
which we keep running ourselves into

and it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

i figured i'd stop time
if only for a moment
for us to catch a breath
of each other
and maybe that will sustain us

and so i call you
and tell you i'm sorry
and that i wish i could make it up to you
and that maybe things will get better
once i'm home
and touch becomes once more
something we know

and i know you're trying
but your voice gets so cold
it chills me to the bone
and i'm left with clenched fists

wincing

and wondering why
you shield yourself
against me
but refuse to let me go

canuf

there are all these ways by which we escape our problems. i wish i had a good way cos i can't seem to do it. those issues that bug me never seem to stop, no matter how much i try to turn away from them.

our capacity to regret makes us much better people than we would otherwise be, but also makes life a lot more painful.

panos! i love panos!

cayuga lake from taughannock state park or whatever it's called.


lonely yellow tree. it always fascinates me how nature often (cruelly or not) places a lone unique individual among an otherwise homogenous crowd... here, my shadow points an accusatory finger at that little yellow candle flame...

back finally...

7 miles. that's how far i was from completing my 100mile ride around cayuga lake! well, anyway, this is the 2nd installment of my trip around cayuga lake with me, my backpack and my bicycle. so the first half was really nice, with sun and sand and lake and what not, but on the day i was supposed to head back to cornell, it had started snowing and the temperatures had dropped tremendously. i had no choice though, either pay 50 bucks more to stay another night, or brave the cold wind and snow and just shoot for gold...

right from the start, my right knee problem acted up again, and i basically had to pedal with one leg -- my right leg was just there as an ornament to weigh the right pedal down but for most of the journey, it was useless. only when i took 2 panadols halfway through did i regain any semblance of use for my right leg, and even then it still hurt. the panadols were such a blessing though. i totally forgot about them, even though i remembered to bring my first aid kit with me. only when i prayed to God to take away the pain from my right leg, did i suddenly remember that i actually have panadol somewhere in my backpack! so up on a hill, i washed down two tablets with my gatorade, and life wasn't so meaningless anymore.

but that wasn't the most exciting part. the most exciting part came at 7miles from ithaca, when i finally couldn't feel anything in my fingers or toes anymore. "please don't let any part of me fall off," i prayed. by then i was also totally exhausted cos there wasn't any gas station or ANYTHING along the way, so i had basically ridden about 50miles straight without stopping. the gatorade in my camelbak was frozen, and i had to chew it to get the liquid out.

i kept telling myself to go on, but at the same time i knew that my body was close to its breaking point and even though i had strength left, i was scared to death. i prayed and prayed, and then at myers road on US34b, i saw a house with christmas lights draped outside, and something told me that this is where i'm stopping. it didn't really hit me very hard, and i actually rode on for about 10m before i braked and made the U-turn that most likely saved my life. i knocked on the door, and this huge man in white opened it, and immediately welcomed me inside. his wife made me a basin of warm water which actually almost burnt me when i put my hands in (i was THAT frozen). then, because they were going to start thanksgiving dinner, they gave me a large portion of it -- the first thanksgiving dinner i ever had. baked potato, turkey, long beans, some fruity salady thing, fastastic pumpkin pie, milk, wine (from Lucas Vineyards), eggnog and some really sweet jelly concoction, all courtesy of Marsha (the mum).

and to cap it off, Bill (the dad) threw my bike in the back of his truck and drove me all the way to my doorstep. and i only wanted to warm myself up for a while.

yes, i'm disappointed that i didn't finish, but only a little. after all, i traded 7 miles of cycling in the bitter cold for the wonderful knowledge that God is always there, watching and guiding my hands. and that his children live in houses where closed doors don't exist. Marsha said to me, "We're just so grateful that you decided to visit us." Well, i'm going to visit them again, with a big bottle of wine, and a big THANK YOU written all over my heart.

this was my first Thanksgiving, and i already know why they celebrate it.

in the middle of nowhere....

well, not exactly :) i'm actually in seneca falls, after a long and arduous journey up cayuga lake, which i have to repeat tomorrow except in the opposite direction. According to mapquest, it was about 43miles, but of course that's for drivers. For cyclists, it's a different story -- up and down, up and down, and when your headlights stop working just half an hour into nightfall, 10 miles can feel like you're marathoning across the United States. For whoever cares to know, my right knee is killing me, and i hope for my sake that tomorrow i will wake up perfectly fine and ready to rumble again! for the record, i drank 2 litres of gatorade, ate 2 power bars, and peed near someone's yard cos i just couldn't take it. i mean, 2 litres.... yah that was just about all the bodily interactions i had with my environment on the trip. i forgot to have lunch, or breakfast, so i must say it was really an achievement! of course, after reaching microtel inn at seneca falls, i limped across the street to the New Chinese Buffet (or something with a similar sounding name) and ate more than i ever did in my entire life (except in BMT)!

well, i must say that this half of the trip has really taught me much about thanksgiving. it's now 7 min to thanksgiving, and i know i have tons and tons to give thanks for! about 3/4 into this leg of the journey, my ipod ran out of battery, my headlights soon after, and i was seriously afraid for my life. you know how when you have avril lavigne blasting into your ear, issues mostly just fade away, but all i could hear was the waves of cayuga lake lapping at the shore, and trucks screaming by. Thank God for rear lights. it was really comforting to see the cars passing me in the middle of the road, instead of right beside me!

the stars were beautiful. i was passing by a farm and somehow i just looked up, and there were these wonderful constellations high above me. i know it probably wasn't wise to ride a bicycle while looking up at stars, but whatever i'm still alive. (oh yah another thing to be thankful for!) but yah, beautiful beautiful beautiful. reminds me of battlestar galactica actually, that episode where they looked up at this space portal thingy and saw the twelve constellations... yah i know how it's science fiction with Mormon inclinations, but i like that show!

i also like someone. sometimes, when all your energy is spent quarrelling and worrying and being upset/jealous/angry etc, it's hard to imagine being in love. but i am. and out there, in the quiet (ok maybe not so quiet) of the night, with nothing around me that could occupy my attention (thank God for broken headlights), i felt, deep in my heart, that i just want to be with you. it didn't matter where, just as long as you're beside me. even with my legs hurting and my toes and fingers freezing, how nice would it be to just have you nearby! that if i were to speak, my words will have a soft and gentle spot to land... and if i were to sing, my voice will not just float away into the emptiness around me.... and there would be no emptiness around me.

you don't always have to go on a trip with people for it to be meaningful. a trip on your own can sometimes take your mind to places where it is supposed to go, places where it usually just skirts around, afraid to enter. it makes you look inside yourself because it is the only place you can really see, when dusk is falling and the world is just a grey, transient blur. being alone makes you yearn for company -- company that, when present, is often overlooked and taken for granted.

this is my first time having a hotel room to myself i think.... i wish i had a book to read. :)

Life is like a box

it all depends on which way you hold it.

Keep it upright, and it fills up, hold it the other way round, and it empties itself out. Open it and it's all about the inside. Close it and people only see the container. Close it and it's all dark inside.

When you're born, they put you in a box. When you're dead, they put you in a box.


If you put chocolates in the box, life becomes a box of chocolates.

I don't want to

do the things that my heart warns me against, time and time again

have no peace even when i close my eyes

grab at nothing

fall short

be short

feel anger boiling inside

lie

be a hypocrite

make empty promises

stop creating

ever have to cease knowing the overwhelming feeling of lightness, in my dreams, in my waking imagination

land with more impact than is absolutely necessary

forget to be thankful for prayers answered

forget that all prayers are answered

Freeze-time

Somewhere near the summit of old rag mountain are 4 intrepid explorers who pause for a moment to reflect on their journey.

They are, from left -- Priska, Meng Aun, Cindy and Canuf's Bag.

Misery

what happens when someone tells you how miserable his/her life is? does it get you down too? does it make you feel lucky that yours isn't as miserable? does it make you morbidly ashamed that life is treating you too well? does it make you afraid that things won't stay rosy for long? does it make you pity? does it make you look down in disdain?

how do you convince someone who's miserable that God loves all of us?

how do you convince yourself after that?

misery is a frightful thing. no one looks forward to misery.

misery is addictive.

misery is contagious. it feeds on you until you pass it to someone else.

Virginia!

for 3 years, i've seen that lone tree in arts quad turn red before any other tree. i guess it has been doing that for its entire life right? lynn tells us that she'd like to be like that tree. i don't know man...

cos it's also the first to go bare.


i am going to virginia! climb mountains. i want to look down from the top, and praise God for what he has created just for us. I want to feel the weight of the earth under me, and imagine the Earth's crust straining deep beneath those layers. I want to be healed. I want to feel my body working. I want to let go of my mind, to let it expand, reaching out into where nothing can keep it bound.

I want to feel water running down my throat, and be thankful for its taste. I want to experience trees without a rifle clutched in my hands. i want to live.


what if you were a rock, perched precariously at a ledge on a great mountain... which would impact you more, the fact that you're right up there above the clouds, or the fact that very soon, a gust of wind or a slight movement of the Earth would send you all the way down, probably reaching the base in much more than a single piece?

Don't Let Me Go

Too many times
We let ourselves wonder
If we can find a place
Less miserable than here

Too many times
We let ourselves go under
All the weight of the fury
That’s heaped onto us

Then something snaps
And there’s a taxi by the sidewalk
To take us where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

Out in the streets
I run into your mother
She asks me what the hell I’m doing
Here outside of your world

I said well, something snapped
And there’s that taxi by the sidewalk
To take me where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

So don’t you cry
Cos I’ll change my mind
And we’ll just act
Like nothing happened

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

sculpture 101

how do you make yourself feel adequate when you've just done something that's just SO dumb? do you just forget about it? damn i always get unsettled by such things, like i feel i have to make up for it, even though the situation's over and there's really nothing i can do about anything...


oh well, i've decided again that art is fun. after 3 years of architecture, it's really refreshing to be able to just talk about your ideas without people telling you, "no this doesn't work. you're not thinking." ri guess one of the differences between artists and architects is the idea of experience. in architecture, there's knowledge that can be accumulated, that can give people a sense of whether something is better than the other. of course it's true for technical skills in art, but in terms of creativity, everything is a new experience. because art stimulates the observer in a much greater variety of ways -- you're not restricted by having to consider function, feasibility, sustainability and all those other things. the ideal observer approaches art with a fresh mind, making personal connections, interpretations and letting himself be affected by the artwork. we find meaning in lots of different things. you can't do that with architecture, cos architecture always has to have that primary role of function and program.

so therefore, art is fun. it's definitely is very much that mechanism for release that it's so well known for.

I jump

I jump.
You jump.
Together, we might create resonance, depending on circumstances.

I wait.
You wait.
We grow old.

I psychoanalyse
You. Psychoanalyse
Me.

There's a bridge nearby that we could cross
Provided we're crossing from the same side
And you're following behind me

Or vice versa.

Sometimes we're like binary stars.
Always revolving around each other
But never collapsing into the centre
Until the fuel runs out.

The matter with time....

when you're a geologist, or a student studying geology, one of the things that mess you up is the immense timescale you're working on. millions of years ago become abbreviated to mya, like oh, this sediment was deposited 375mya. doesn't seem like much does it? and then you fast forward and rewind so rapidly through time that Earth's entire life could almost be happening on a single dvd.

and then people around you, those whom you love and those whom you wish you loved more, start to disappear, and all of a sudden you're brought back into that uncomfortable little time zone of less than a century. you become that little blip in time, so insignificant and so significant at the same time. because that little blip is your entire existence, and it's surrounded by so many other blips for whom this time zone is their entire existences as well.

don't ever terminate your existence out of spite. cos the last thought that flashes through your mind will be, "will it even matter?" and then you'll be gone.

don't live each day as if it were your last, cos you won't even feel like doing anything. i guess live each day as if it were the first day in the last month of your life.

just before we die, there's always (i suppose) that moment of clarity, when you realize that selfish thoughts don't really matter anymore, and that you now have, all of a sudden, an infinite capacity to give. don't wait till then to start giving, cos it's not easy while you're bedridden.

don't leave me... cos i haven't looked at you enough. and all the other things as well.

the last rays

notes about light:

1. we are opaque, and therefore cast shadows.

2. we are sometimes pretty deliberate about where our shadows fall

3. light and truth coexist until a certain threshold.

4. we are what is reflected off us.

5. the sun is at its most beautiful (and most tolerable) the instant before it disappears beyond the horizon.

When two worlds collide

Juxtaposition.

i hate it.

cos it makes me feel small.

and cos there's nowhere to hide.

I Went Into The Sail

i went into the sail of my ship
to see if there was anything
inside

i scaled the mast
across flat contours that glistened in the sunset
where the peaks and valleys were but
incriptions of time

then i stretched myself thin
and like a film of paint
smeared myself
across the canvas

i found out
that even at the scale of oceans
the view from above is very much unalike
the view from the deck

crashing waves seem less frightening
like choreographed theatrics
but the swaying hurt
and i was always falling

i felt the weight
not on my shoulders
but upon my entire being
i become the medium

i was whipped on my back
giant flat lashes
but the space before me was always inviting
(or was it the other way round?)

i become the medium
the boundary that is never breached
solid and yet
forever in flux

i see the future
i see the past
and in the x axis i become infinitely small

and yet i am majestic
i am the crown
the deck below me disappears
into the rippling surface

while the ship cuts into the ocean like a knife
i slice into the wind
no matter how floundering i may be
without

and then i discover
that what shapes us
isn't our skin
but those other, less visible things

like hope.
and dreams.

Contemplation of Silly Thoughts at Unsuitable Times

Often, when i'm so caught up in the rush of things that I start to suffocate, I get this thought: What am I about? Is my whole life just about me, with everyone and everything revolving around me like some kind of individual simulation, or am I just a little blip in the grander scheme of things? Do you ever think of that? Like when someone enters your life for a brief moment, makes an extra-ordinary impact and then disappears, doesn't it feel like the person was put there just for you? That's a pretty romantic notion, but it carries that scary thought, which is that I (or the individual being) am alone in this universe. The only real thing. Of course, these thoughts are on pretty extreme paradimes. Could it not be that we all exist, but our paths are being controlled by an unknown force, as if we were little metal cars on a table, dragged along invisible paths by horseshoe magnets underneath?

But then often too, I stop and assure myself that we are all God's children, put here on the Earth to live our lives out before that next big stage; that we have free will; that the Earth, and all the chance occurences in our lives are but mindless variables that we have to work our lives around, being often too little to make any decisive changes in the stubborn course of things; that everyone is real and everyone is an individual, but at the same time we're all supporting characters or extras in the life of someone else.

I also wonder sometimes, with all these intermarriages going on, whether we'll all look alike one day. Not alike as in ALIKE, but you know, having the same skin tones, the same general facial contours and all. I guess so lah, since the distinctions between races was probably brought about during the great continental break up during the Triassic(?) period where the supercontinent Pangaea ruptured, tearing North America apart from Europe (among other things). Even when human beings started migrating again, societal pressures continued to keep the races (and colours especially) segregated. Now of course, with people relocating on every part of the world with the help of modern transportation, and with mixed offspring often looking more beautiful than purebloods, we are finally mixing like nobody's business.

But why, say, were Africans and other equatorial races so dark? Was it extra melanin to cope with the brilliant sunlight? Or was it just random mutations that are propogated by cultural preferences? The Europeans went into the pale fad, while the Africans decided that the richer your colour, the more mate worthy you are?

I think also that the advance of medicine now makes human evolution a tricky business. Of course, the survival of the fittest still occurs at different levels, but people with defective genes still reach child bearing age and prolong the lifespan of their DNA. To many, this process keeps the defective genes alive through generations, and may well be the cause of the rising cancer incidence, since cancer is often an inherited curse. However, I now believe that what medicine does is to keep alive the vary varied gene pool we now must have due to the lack of natural selection. This prevents us from being so specialized for survival in our environments that we might one day be totally wiped out by some rare disease (like Aids and other stuff). Having an abundant (even if not particularly pretty) gene pool would give us a better fighting chance against such rare occurances, so that there will always be survivors no matter what.

I wonder if we will still know what goes on on Earth after we die....

Meteor's View.

My house! Can anyone find it!? Got this from Google Earth, which is just such a cool thing to have! Their maps of Singapore are not fantastic, but I was just SO amazed to see my house right there. No. 7 Llyn Gardens. I think the Llyn should have been Lynn but maybe the developers dunno how to spell, but anyway, just look at what technology can give us man. Does anyone remember Enemy of the State? Soon we'll be able to see birds flying and you and me walking around. Anyway, I guess this is what my house would look like to a meteor just about to enter the Earth. Satellite images if i'm not wrong. Good thing it's a clear sky over here cos half of Singapore is covered by clouds on the map. Go find your house!

Amazing. Just amazing.

1 Year and Counting

5th September was my first year anniversary with Charlotte. We didn't get to talk much cos of our schedules, which seem to be getting more and more out of sync. But i did get to send a nice bouquet of flowers to her, which i haven't seen much of but which supposedly looks great and also looks like a christmas tree. thank God for florists!

but anyway, i was just thinking about anniversaries, and what they all mean. apparently it is something worth celebrating when you pass an annual mark, be it your birthday or your anniversary or what not. some people of course don't celebrate anniversaries. they think it's silly cos why get so excited about having spent one year with someone? seems almost like a testimony for the transience of relationships, doesn't it? well, i guess it's true for me. yes, i always keep telling myself that when i go into a relationship, i'm committed to it forever. but honestly, through this one year, i've almost given up so many times, and we've had so many fights and cold wars and quarrels that it really seemed like time was slowing down for us just to mock us and make life difficult.

then came this one year mark, and although we didn't really get to celebrate it, it is nevertheless a profound moment for me. no matter what i felt before, i'm just so thankful right now that you have loved me exclusively for one whole year, and likewise, i've been given the chance to devote myself to you for this one year. cos no matter how many times we fight, it's still the best feeling in the world to know that there's this place, this freehold property in your heart that's set aside especially for me, so that i may build a cosy little house and live in it for the rest of my life! now it's just a little shack, but don't worry, one day there's going to be a beautiful mansion there with flowers and water and lots of sunshine, and i'll never ever sell this estate to anyone else!

ok maybe the imagery is a little too cutesy, but the point is that anniversaries are not just markers to tell you where you are. they make you look back and think about what has passed, and then squint ahead and guage what is to come. this anniversary has made me realize that things haven't been that bad, that i'm just such a lucky person to have known you and shared all those moments with you, be they happy, sad, restless, or intimate.

there's going to be many more ok?

Closet Skeleton

if skeletons were alive, it'd be SO claustrophobic.

Hunger and Stacks of Cash

the whole time at church today, i was thinking about just how hungry i was. maybe it was the exercise from paintball, but i was so extremely hungry today! ate bread for breakfast, had a bagel at church, and apple juice and orange juice some more. but still hungry! so anyway i don't think i got that much out of the sermon, cos my mind was honestly somewhere else.

but then, come to think of it, my mind is always somewhere else... all this just makes me realize how little i think about God, not to say trust in Him in whatever i do. maybe that's why i find myself in inextricable troubles all the time, maybe that's why happiness seems to elude me.

maybe that's why i feel hungry in church.

there's a pile of money on my table. it's paintball money, and i'm supposed to return it to meng aun in a few days time. one whole stack man. i was doing this sunday school thing for charlotte the other day (about idolatry), and i found this picture of dollar notes on the web as well. dollar notes have this curious ability to ignite the endorphins in many people's brains, sending them flying in crazy directions. even the smell can make people weak in the knees. but you know how like, when you stare at a word for a long time, say um... "LIBRARY", you start to lose track of its pronunciation and it starts to look really weird to you? well, so i was staring at this stack of greenbacks, and suddenly it starts to look really strange. like, how can little pieces of paper be worth so much? it almost feels like someone is playing a colossal joke on all of us, looking at people plotting, hating, killing each other over these little pieces of paper. seems almost surreal.

Once I Was Kissed...

The price of love

It's CNY in Cornell! haha my mum, being like all other scholar mums, has once again loaded my luggage with delicious chinese new year goodies for my fall semester! got pineapple tarts and my faviourite BA KUA!!

it's still in my luggage though, will take out later to cut into little bite sized strips for me and my wonderful housemates who dunno how to also bring new year goodies to share. haha no lah kidding. don't bring don't bring lor, i can eat my ba kua i happy liao.

anyway the pineapple tarts almost finished liao lah. down here in Cornell, pineapple tarts are like little testimonies of 母爱 (mummylove), as are other things like po chye pills (for diarrhoea) and other traditional chinese goodies. of course, there's not only 母爱. there's also the "ah-ma 爱" (grannylove) and the "宝贝爱" (baobeilove), all of which contribute to many other food types like kit kat, milo satchets, sauces, instant noodles. and mooncakes!

which brings me to the conclusion that love is very fattening. love can, however, be burnt off by a determined regime of pull ups, soccer games and visits to the gym.

haha this is like the dunno-how-manyth time i'm saying this, but, "I'M BACK!"

just got back to school finally, dunno whether to be happy or not. my journey back here was horrendous, for starters. the airplane food was nauseating, the longer leg of the flight had no personal entertainment thingy, and for that flight too, there wasn't a single air stewardess. not that it was a totally bad thing lah, cos there were 4 air stewards. the two who were in charge of my aisle were pretty effeminate, and were an interesting sight to behold. esp the way one of them closed the overhead compartments. wah. of course, i'm not saying this to ridicule or anything, cos it's not like i'm extremely hunky or masculine either, in fact i think the feminine nature is a lot more attractive than the masculine (haha dunno if that's a duh comment or not). really, i can't think of anything very cool about being male. i mean, just think of male fashion: the only real variations are length of sleeves and colour, and maybe thickness of material. whereas girls have such a wonderful spectrum of attire to choose from! they can even pull of male clothes! it's just unfair lah i think, that society has decreed the male gender to be utterly boring.

but anyway, the good thing about being back here is the weather! i really dunno how i'm ever going to survive in singapore when i'm going to have to start wearing long sleeved shirts to work man. and tie summor.... wear t-shirt already want to concuss already! anyway it's really beautiful now in ithaca, though i guess the temperature is going to start plummeting soon. nevermind though, cos it's still good now!

played a bit of gunbound back in singapore, just before i came over. my little sis made me download it in exchange for her doing her work, and i ended up playing matches for her cos she was shooting all over the place. anyway i realized that everyone there is still as vulgar, and also that my skills haven't changed a bit! i'm still stuck at slightly above average, which, i guess, was quite reassuring. but because of that, i very soon got bored again cos i wasn't getting anywhere, and so gunbound is now out of my life once more. :)

ok have to go for structures TA meeting now! will update real soon!

played beach volleyball today! note to self: never take an afternoon nap before volleyball.

wah my reflexes so blardy slow today man.... my brain is probably still playing the game right now. gosh, i need training, i need miss poon to make me run around the track 5 times so that i can get my idea straight! but it was fun still... great weather today for sand court! i kept digging my feet into the sand just to prove to myself that summer was finally treating us well.... hopefully this spell of good weather will attach itself to me when i return to our SUNNY ISLAND SET IN THE SEA!

ok qn. is that line refer to the sunset context, or did it mean something like setting a diamond onto a ring? i remember being very perplexed as a child, that our sunny island would be setting/sinking slowly into the sea, sending crabs and prawns swimming past our front door. i was pretty safe then tho, cos i lived at the fourth floor!

When I'm Tired

New song! i really need to record all these soon man, before i forget everything...

When I'm Tired

Take me
To a place where night falls early
A place where moonlight blankets our minds
And steals the day away

Hold my hand
And walk me through this maze of thorns
That surrounds my heart with quiet wounds
And steal my breath away

Find me
When with my eyes I cannot see
When shadows try to reach me
Take me far away

Want me
For there's nothing else that pleases me
More than giving you my every song
My every hope
My every dream

thoughts about architecture...

what is a membrane? ok... first passes at the word conjure up images of thin, transparent sheets, flexible, elastic. the transparency varies of course. ok here's what i got from wikipedia.

A membrane is a thin, typically planar structure or material that separates two environments. Because it sits between environments or phases and has a finite volume, it can be referred to as an interphase rather than an interface. Membranes selectively control mass transport between the phases or environments.

selectively controlling mass transport. biological membranes are generally semi permeable, letting in some molecules but not others. some components of these membranes also change the properties of things passing through.

what can architectural membranes filter? light? people? but why would there be a need for separation? maybe the membrane is two sided. discovery. translucency is a mechanism for enticement. but how do we get through? if gaps were so big that individuals could fit through, would we still recognise a membrane? unless of course the scale of the environment is proportionally increased, to a point where we can imagine ourselves to be little molecules in a giant cell. what if a membrane could give way? movable screens, flaps, could membranes be immaterial? like, what if it's a mesh of light or laser rays, that form a visual boundary but not a physical one? i'll have to test that out i suppose. of course if we think of a visual barrier, it would lead us to the other senses as well. what about a barrier of sound? white noise that increases towards a particular area, which then becomes the boundary. that boundary would then give a sense of discomfort, or disorientation, or it wouldn't be a barrier would it?

ok so what if we can't pass through... maybe the surface could be flexible or pliable, but nevertheless impenetrable. some laboratories or workshops have gloves attached to screens or panels that you can use to handle object across the barrier, but which keep you from being directly exposed to the contents beyond. could have applications in museums right? i recall that when i went to the MoMA, there were guards all over, tall, dark, suited monsters that screamed at you not to touch that chair, or that kettle, etc.. what if there was a whole gallery of touchable displays that are nevertheless sealed off from tarnishing or contamination? of course, we'd still need security cameras. can glass be considered a membrane? i don't think so. i think a membrane has to yield somehow, and not only to light and sound.

damn, so much to think about, so little time.

sad thing about this world is -- there's always one more thing you can do before you start doing work...

anyway, because i hardly did any work today, there's nothing much to talk about. summer's supposed to be fun man! where's the fun!? oh oh remember liao. watched shaman king today with my summer housemates. damn fun. i realize that there's a lot of pleasure to be derived from having 4 people crowding around a tiny laptop and groaning/shouting/laughing etc at the characters on the screen.... sometimes even better than watching movie! plus no need to pay 8.75 as long as bit torrent is still alive and well. so yah this shaman king series is an anime about little kids who can summon spirits, and we've just reached the climactic last 8 episodes. really wanted to finish watching, but i'm glad i stopped cos or else i'll never finish any work!

so yah, talking about movies... heard singapore's cinema prices are creeping closer and closer to the 2 digit mark! so weird, not as if the cinema screens are getting better, or the seats are getting softer....but then again i'm in NY so i dunno.... who knows right, maybe they have waitresses going around the cinema to serve people food liao....

"excuse me sir, do you want drink?"
"ok wait first ah i see finish this part...."
"oui! sit down can or not! your tray blocking my face!"

actually it might be a good thing to have waitresses/waitors moving around... then all those pirates can't film properly liao.... but then again that might not be such a good thing, come to think of it.

i think animes are so cool....you can almost feel the creative juices of the artists and writers solidifying in front of you....it's really amazing how the cartoon medium allows for so much freedom, and those jap folks really throw in everything they've got! and japanese is such a cute language! esp if you don't know what the heck those people are talking about.... :)

currently addicted to this game called ohm busters, one of those music games where those little bars drop down from the top of the screen and you have to hit the correct key when it reaches the bottom. damn fun... parents should let their kids play this man, confirm they'll be damn good at piano after that. james is like the champion lor.... i can't even follow him when he plays the game... yizhuan just press all the keys at once, hoping that something will hit. but everyone should try... it gives you the most wonderful headache after that... along with the feeling that everything around you is moving upwards. cheap way of getting drunk, without having to get drunk :)

i just wrote another song! wow... i'm in a song writing mood lately. this is way brighter than the song about fanatics i wrote a few days ago though, so violent people don't be disappointed ok?

title is I Love Charlotte Very Much

and it goes like this:

I'm looking at you
Looking at me
Wondering what it is that you see
Wondering what exactly you found in me

Cos if I were you
I'd go find someone new
Someone with money
Or someone with shoes
If I were you I wouldn't be stuck with me

But since you're here
Well there's nothing to fear
Cos I'm just a boy
And you're not a beer
And I'm sure you'll be happy
Cos I've always been happy with me

And we'll grow old together
Like mold on a loaf
Till we're covered in spores
Or turned into toast
But I'll never let anything take you away from me

And one day you'll find
That songs stop to rhyme
And guitars are on sale for a nickel or a dime
And i hope you'll be glad for this song in your memory

It goes
Kenneth and Charlotte sitting on a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Are you M-I-S-S-I-N-G
Me?

eh? oh i'm still here! haha just finished one round of blog stalking.... read on mrbrown that nkf having this little 1 on 1 with sph. sounds cool man. next up, lky v lhl! ok nobody knows what that means right.... anyway, it's kinda sad that my knowledge of current affairs in singapore is limited to the little bits and pieces i read from other peoples' blogs. you know, if only Straits Times didn't decide to charge us kiam siap singaporeans for the Interactive, then.... actually no difference also. want me to read news must stuff in front of my face with accompanying death threat or else forget it. and if anyone from temasek holdings reads this, i'm just joking ok. no need to take everything seriously wan. i am actually very good at current affairs. i just don't like to tell people about it.

ok really back to work.

woohoo! taking a little break from architecture to do a little bit of slacking! i mean blogging....

anyway had an epiphany today: cornell architects have this little tradition of throwing toilet paper on top of the trees in arts quad, the night before Dragon Day. i've just realized how unknowingly cruel this is.... not only for the engineers who have to endure one whole day without toilet paper, but think of it. imagine you're a tree. some guy chops down the tree next to you, grinds it up into powder, then processes it into rolls of flimsy white paper that is then gleefully draped all over you.

or say imagine you're a pet mink, whose owner has just graciously bought you a cute little mink coat for the winter. warm and cosy under the skin of a (hopefully) distant relative.

or say....

ok enough morbidity for the day -- must be all the glycerin fumes i inhaled today man.

anyway lots of pre froshes in the freshie studio today. i've also realized that the older you get, the less time you spend in the studio. might not be a good thing.

i've realized that the longer scars stay on you, the less they seem like scars, and the more they become just marks on your skin, things that make all of us unique. well, of course that's only until people start pointing their fingers and giving you stares.

i've also realized that there are so many places to hide in cyberspace. man's 21st century solution to overpopulation.

If It Ain't Too Much Trouble

There is a song
Someone sang for me
Pierces through my heart
It brings me to my knees

And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

There is this face
At the back of my mind
It's black and white
It's yellowing with time

And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

There is this room
It's built for two
It's waiting for me
And it's waiting for you
And it calls to me
In a thousand voices
Calling me back
To a place I used to know

I want to be near you
But I'm so far away
I want to be there for you
But there's an ocean in the way
So if it ain't too much trouble
To wait till tomorrow
Wait for me

Ode To The Fanatics

Ode to the fanatics

Oh won't you come and take a look
At all those lives your vengeance took
Oh won't you come see for yourself
And if you're sorry please don't tell...

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't close your eyes in the night

Will the righteous lift the stone
And cast it gently upon your throne
And if it cracks don't say a word
In case the others haven't heard

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't close your eyes in the night

Do i know you
Have i seen you
Have i held your hands
Or kissed you

Do i miss you
When you're leaving
Do i wait for you
When you're drowning

Does it matter if they're counting up the dead
Does it matter if they bow down in despair
Does it matter if you're winning all the fights
If you can't fall asleep in the night

you know what gives me a headache? maths. and wondering what goes on inside the minds of terrorists, like the ones who bombed the london subway just a few days ago. i guess if you're fighting a war, it's both about self preservation and self gain, and so *mian qiang* still can get away with it. but killing innocent people for the sake of a principle? oh well... i guess rationality doesn't apply in the mind of a terrorist. or on the other hand, maybe its that warped, sinister kind of rationality that drives them to commit such horrific acts... anyhow, my heart goes out not only to the victims and their families, but to this poor society that we live in, which day by day grows increasingly numb to the violence and hatred that threatens to pervade this entire planet.

i've got this national geographic map beside me, and looking at it, i'm just amazed at how intricate it is, filled with coloured border lines, textured terrain, cities, states, capitals, wind directions, currents.... such a beautiful piece of art. and zooming into the island of Great Britain, you'd never guess that somewhere within that small pinkish region lie torn-up bodies, broken hearts, and a community reeling in shock. and a bunch of tortured minds dark as sin.

to be misunderstood is to have your intentions or words misread by someone. it's horrible when that someone is a person you love and care about with all your heart. but there's something worse than being misunderstood. it's the pain of being perfectly understood, and yet being refuted and trodden down as if your words are trash, as if they have no consequence in the scheme of things.

if you were a lieutenant leading your soldiers into the jungle, and got ambushed, at least you can die knowing that if you had fought face to face with the enemy, you might have given him something to think about. but if you were facing your enemy and he promptly felled you with nothing more than a snigger of dismissal, then there isn't even room for any regrets or what ifs. you know you're beaten without anyone having to break a sweat, just like that. trodden all over, left for the crows.

i know now why my parents get angry with me. because good intentions are like little coupons to life -- they can buy happiness, or they can be torn up and thrown into the wind, to be lost forever. and very often, good intentions come with a price.