What I want for my birthday

It's raining out
Do you mind if I stayed awhile?


What do I want for my birthday? I want to be less forgetful. It's hard enough to have Char scold me about not dressing right, turning at wrong junctions, and I really really don't need the additional burden of having to rack my brains to remember who exactly we were supposed to meet at what time tomorrow. Or what she told me 5 min ago.

Really, it's not that I don't care about what she says, but I just CAN'T remember things! I forget names the moment I stop shaking hands. I forget what I was trying to look for in the fridge. I forget why I set my alarm at 5pm. etc etc. You see, this is a mental handicap, it's not that I wilfully disregard everything she says, dumping it into the far recesses of my mind as though they were unsightly bits of trash. My brain just lacks the M:\ drive for storing all the .misc items in my life. My theory is that if I had this capacity, I would probably have lost out on something else equally important, like my ability to burp/fart unnoticeably. It's all genetic and I can't help it that the sperm with the missing M:\ had to also be the fastest swimmer right?

So for my birthday, I ask for memory. Just 80Gb more ok, I'm not very demanding wan. Come to think of it, maybe ipods should have selective information storage functions. Imagine a earphone that also has a built in sound recording device, automatically bookmarking conversations that have "meeting"/"[any-day-of-the-week]"/"my name is..." and other customizable phrases. Then when the time comes just need to put your hand in your pocket and discreetly scroll up and down......

But what I want is just extra memory. NOT an IPOD.

Long sleeved shirts and black pants

I'm now a working adult!

Well not exactly...i'm just a tiny little intern in the mammoth that's Keppel Land. Today's my second day at work, and i'm already using MSN, surfing the net and BLOGGING! (now = lunchtime) I am also concurrently trying to paint a picture on Microsoft Paint with just my touchpad. Not easy. Of course, this is not to say that I haven't been given any work, just that things here seem to be going a tad slower than I've expected. They were telling me that it's going to be really busy but no leh, where got? I think at some offices the definition of busyness is different from other places.

This morning I decided to relieve my mum of the responsibility of driving me to work, and took the bus instead. During which many things happened:

1. I found out that i forgot to zip my pants, which would have been disastrous if I had gone to office without realizing.
2. I figured out how to discreetly solve this problem with the help of my slingbag and a busload of sleeping commuters.
3. I saw a newspaper guy distributing TODAY to waiting passengers with Kung Fu efficiency. Really... half crouched, legs spread apart, thrusting the papers as though they were lethal knives into his enemies. Who just stood there jostling to be killed. It was quite a sight!

I also read that Taylor Hicks is now the hot favourite for American Idol glory, with gorgeous Mcphee as the underdog. To think that I was faced with ridicule when I first suggested after the Top 12 episode that Taylor was my American Idol winner! HAH. what have you got to say now sera???? At least now even Simon has nothing to say. To be honest, Taylor was always the Idol finalist who's the most likely to make 5 albums without people tiring of him. Just looking at his face and body language already makes you wanna smile, even though his dance moves are sometimes rather horrific. But new dance moves are always greeted with horror and derision, no? So don't worry Taylor, very soon we're going to have grey-haired teenage girls spasming their way into alcohol lalaland on the dance floor. That's EVEN if Katharine were to stage an upset and walk away with the Idol title.

I can't wait for Battlestar Galactica to start again!!!! Don't we all miss Sharon? Even though she's now evil Cylon Sharon, but no one cares! Again another brilliant TV series that's dismissed by the uninformed as 70s bullshit. Till then, though, I will have to content myself with Singapore Idol and the World Cup, which already promises to contribute to drastically reduced productivity all over the world. And lots of bleary-eyed students and workers everywhere.

brokeback mountain (spoilers!)

just watched brokeback mountain! i must say it's quite an impactful movie, if only because heath ledger and jake gyllenhall totally immersed us audiences into their characters. so much so that i probably won't be able to watch another of their movies again without getting reminded of homosexuality.

i won't say that there was much of a storyline, but maybe that was the point of the whole movie as well -- that the lives of these two lonely cowboys, apart from their occasional trysts on brokeback mountain, are just totally unfulfilled, confused and lost. i'm sure lots of us have our own little skeletons in our closets, and this movie really brings to light the danger of letting them become obsessions that then fester and consume us, until we find ourselves not so different from heath ledger's character ennis at the end of the movie. his words, "Jack, I swear..." omg that just tears me apart man. is he blaming jack for the state of his life now? is he cursing how jack just left him for good without even a word? but then look at the tenderness with which he buttons up that bloodstained shirt -- is he just saying that he'll never be able to forget what they shared between them? well i guess it'd be all of that.

i don't think any of my friends felt offended or uncomfortable watching this movie, because in the end, it's just a great tragic story of forbidden love that of course has the power to transcend all cultural taboos and apprehensions and all that... it could have been between two rabbits for all i cared. just an interesting note -- the writer of the original short story that this movie was based on commented that anyone who's confident and comfortable about his/her sexuality would have no trouble viewing this film, and that people like jack and ennis would probably be the ones who cannot bear to see it.

anyway, loved the film. of course crash was told much better and deserved the oscar, but this is definitely a very very memorable movie.

Ignorance = Bliss

Would you rather find out after knowing a person for a few years that he/she is an asshole? Or would you rather find out right at the start and thank the gods that you were smart enough to steer clear? People always tell me things like "I knew he/she was a horrible person the moment I saw him/her!" but I beg to differ. I believe that people are what you make of them.... if you choose to see the good in someone, and choose to bring it out, it really doesn't matter what others think. If you are friends with someone whom other people shun, it doesn't mean that you're stupid, it just means that the rest of them can't see the full picture.

I believe that avoiding people with certain "undesirable" characters only says that you are afraid, that you don't think you can cope, that you're only capable of living with a select bunch of people. Being elitist is not a sign of sophistication, it's a sign of cowardice.

So too everyone who's hesitating to be a friend, please step out of your comfort zone and put a smile on your face the next time you talk to that obnoxious colleague of yours. Cos you never know when it'd be the other way round for you :)

I will go

There's nothing I can see
That you didn't mean to be
There's nothing in my possession
That you didn't leave for me

There's nothing I could do
If you didn't see me through
You lift me up you carry me
And the dark dissolves for you

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

And sometimes I forget
To bow my head and pray
And thank you for this life you gave me
The breath of every day

Cos you fight my every battle
You win my every war
You gave me all I could ever want, Lord
And you promised so much more

And even when my heart is cold
When there's no one else I know
When there's no path that I could follow
You lead and I will go

Daddies be good

I just listened to John Mayer's Daughters, and it's so true! I want to teach my children to love, but I guess the only way is to love them first, and show them that it's something they should value. I realize that the only way to get Char to appreciate me is to do the same for her -- something that I haven't always managed to do. Sometimes we can't help but tell ourselves, yah i want to be nice, but not if he/she's treating me that way!

But it IS possible to take the first step. Even if we get hurt the first time, it's still possible to love again. We don't have to wait for the other person to take the first step, or to apologize, or to stop whatever they're doing that pisses us off.

But then again, pride is such a powerful thing sometimes isn't it?

Anyway here are the lyrics to this wonderful song:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

CNY!

i think i'm starting to like performing! last sunday during our CNY dinner, i went up to stage (ok not technically UP cos there wasn't really a stage) to perform a few songs with our newly formed and probably now defunct band which doesn't yet have a name, and i think it's really getting easier! In fact, I found it a lot more fun playing and singing my own song than other peoples' songs. Just remembering last year during SOS (singaporeans on stage), I was so nervous that I couldn't really put my heart into singing -- it was more of, are my chords right? am i getting faster? etc etc. But this time, with such a steady band, i could just go all out and ktv to my heart's content.

pretty glad that the song was well received... :) (who needs singapore idol right? hahahaha) but it would have been great if charlotte was there and i could dedicate the song to her instead of just telling her afterwards that i dedicated the song to her. (she wasn't really impressed.... sigh...) but anyway, i'm glad i can sing and write and draw and all that, cos sometimes you just feel so much about someone or something that your need to express goes beyond just saying I love you, or complaining to your best pal about a horrible breakup. You need to record it, to revisit it time and again, to exclaim it to everyone around you.

So this is more precious to me than being able to study or do math assignments or cook or play volleyball. sometimes i wish i were born a little later. 5 years ago, it would be inconceivable to even think about going into the music industry, but now it's such a big thing -- entertainment, expression, culture... you can be famous for just TRYING to be famous! of course, not that i'm going to take part in singapore idol. all i need is just one person who loves my songs, and can't wait for me to write more.

back to school!

so i realize that despite me hardly ever updating my blog, my blog counter still appears to register a small but steady rise in readership. i wonder why.... but nevertheless i would like to apologize to all my faithful readers out there for not having anything to add to my blog for God knows how long! of course, now that i'm back in school and free from all those distractions like Cable TV and sleeping and Cable TV, i should be reverting to more regular updates. hopefully :)

i went snowboarding yesterday on yuan jun's beseeching, and on a very thin layer of fresh snow. this being my first time boarding in almost a whole year, there was of course much falling over and tumbling and sliding, but the fact that i'm still typing is testimony of my amazing ability to stay alive against all odds. kelvin yap was there too, my fellow boarder, and it's always nice to see someone tumbling and rolling with you, especially when 10 year old kids were zipping past us with much finesse, not to mention belittling looks...

which brings me to the subject of falling. in JC, when Miss Poon (or Mr Poon depending on his/her mood) would spend one whole volleyball session teaching us how to fall and roll over (haha this is beginning to sound like dog training), it seemed to all of us that falling could actually be an art, to be mastered and conquered by only the most skillful exponents. of course, that did not deter us energetic 18 yr olds, and we diligently took to the task of tripping ourselves over and rolling across the gym, much to the delight (and bewilderment most likely) of passing schoolmates. we also did a lot of other laugh inducing exercises over the course of our training, but i will not go into details. basically, after the end of my career in high school volleyball, i considered myself to be pretty good at cushioning my body if at any time my legs were to lose contact with the ground, sending me into the uncompromising arms of gravity.

however, nobody told me about snow. when you are flying down a mountain at 30km/h (already not very fast) and suddenly your board catches a chunk of snow placed just so that it causes your board to suddenly alter its intended trajectory, you don't often realize the fact until your butt has made contact with the snow below you. and when that happens, the rolling instinct indeed starts to kick in, but is hampered by a few factors:

1. your feet are strapped to a flat board, shoulder length apart.
2. 30km/h
3. snow and ice are not exactly the perfect medium for rolling. skidding and sliding tend to be much more prevalent.
4. by the time your brain reacts, it's usually too late for it to have any say in the subsequent dynamics of your body.

meaning to say my butt hurts a lot now, and i won't be snowboarding till probably next week.

mosquito dare to bite me!

last 2 days in yunnan i suddenly got headache. so i say nevermind, lie in hotel bed also good, everyday watch tv and sleep, watch tv and sleep. but the headache turn into giddiness, then turn into fever, then turn into wake up also want to die. i tell myself that i'm going to go home liao, maybe it's the weather in yunnan... then on the way to the airport, i thought how come the driver drive the car like f1 like that, left and right, up and down, like he not happy we never puke all over his car.

so i puke all over his car.

and i also puke all over the plane. puke and puke and puke and puke.... i think about 3 times from yunnan to kl, then 2 times from kl to singapore. i puke until when the plane was landing i was still in the toilet. then i was back in singapore, and went straight to my bed to live for the next 2 days. on 1st jan, i woke up at 6am feeling like i was living in an ant nest. so i went to the toilet and on the light, and wah! rashes all over! i see already feel like puking again. but i didn't puke. instead i laosai everywhere. after laosai-ing, i went to my parents room and told my mum that i got rashes everywhere.

then suddenly i was at ttsh, and the doctor asked me so you got fever for how many days? i say 5. then i say i just came back from china.

his eyes open very wide. CHINA AH? yah. i think he scared i turn into a chicken and bite him. but i didn't, so he say nevermind i take your blood. then fast forward 2 hours, and the doctor came back and asked me, what class you want?

then i know that the mosquito bite me already.

cry also no use.

your aeroplane just fly away without you.

yep! cry also no use. cry already will your plane fly back and let you sit? cry already will your gf happy happy come and sayang you? cry already will you don't have to sit here for 3 days and suck thumb?

so don't cry lor. but still sit here suck thumb.

syriana

yesterday i watched syriana. might as well have stayed home and studied 4th order differential equations or like, maybe stare at blank wall also can.... catch no ball man! i felt like one of those ah bengs who come out of movies and go, Oh, that explosion was cooool! or... Oh, remember how so and so body slam so and so into that freaking wall? cos seriously, my understanding of that movie didn't go very much beyond that level. Some things that stuck to my mind were:

(spoiler alert)


1. fingernail pulling is disgusting.
2. george clooney died... kind of loserish the way he died too.
3. you pay a famous actor enough money and he'll get fat for you.
4. fingernail pulling is disgusting.

Anyway so the movie is about the size and consequences of political agendas, and how easily the US just goes "wth!" and kills everyone (or lets everyone kill themselves). but what is the point of making the movie so complicated that it only reaches out to the most critical and politically aware of audiences? they probably know more than the movie's going to tell them anyway right? just felt that there were so many powerful messages in the movie that just got diluted and confused by the convoluted plot. but then again, maybe the point is that the middle east situation is so complex that a car bomb here, an assassination there doesn't really make any difference...

oh well, whatever it is, it made lydia fall asleep. of course yours truly cannot waste the 8.75USD (oh shit have to paypal someone) and so stayed awake throughout the movie hoping to catch the ball.

but the ball roll away. in the end i don't even know what syriana means!

but it's ok. i'm coming home liao. then can watch the other psychological thrillers like king kong and chicken little.

they don't look very scared leh

Another poem!

I don't have the words to touch you
I don't have the songs to move you
Cos there's too much to say
And words don't behave when I want them to

And you're wondering why I'm staring
With that silly smile I'm wearing
But don't look away
Cos I'm falling in love with you

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos I'm transparent in your gaze
There's nothing I can hide
While you're in this place

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos you see it in my face
You feel it on my hands
While I'm holding you


.... there's probably more to this song, but it's just not coming to me! help help :P


anyway, on a different note... i'm reading a walk in the woods by bill bryson and it's quite the funny! it's about two (probably unfit) guys trying to negotiate the appalachian trail and having the time of their lives. which pretty much describes what me and mengaun are thinking of doing next semester. we're probably not going to do the appalachian mountains, but it's probably be one of those forest bashing adventure races that are for people very much fitter than the both of us combined. but what the heck right. after my cayuga lake stint, i'm feeling invincible! or rather, i'm confident that nice americans with warm comfy homes will pop out of nowhere when i desperately need them. who knows, i'm sure people live in swamps and dense forests right?

training regiment in singapore will include a little bit of kayaking, a little bit of finding our way around bukit timah (ok maybe more challenging than that) and lots of laksa and hokkien mee! so that when i'm tired and hungry, i can fill my delirious mind with hunger quenching images of me gulping down a bowl of piping hot laksa. yah i like to reverse-psychology myself.

kind of half-heartedly looking for adventuremates as well, so here's some pics from our very own walk in the woods in virginia to entice whoever!

meng aun inviting snide chuckles with hiking pole

virginia team. canuf's backpack substituting for canuf

untitled

i know you're sad
it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

how i long for the times we've shared
when nothing was bitter
when we'd talk for hours
and fascinate each other
with our separate lives

but now our words have gone dry
our apologies laced with salt
with which i rub your wounds
while you tear at mine

and so we cripple ourselves
though we were once whole
and beautiful
our lives woven
into barbed wire fences
which we keep running ourselves into

and it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

i figured i'd stop time
if only for a moment
for us to catch a breath
of each other
and maybe that will sustain us

and so i call you
and tell you i'm sorry
and that i wish i could make it up to you
and that maybe things will get better
once i'm home
and touch becomes once more
something we know

and i know you're trying
but your voice gets so cold
it chills me to the bone
and i'm left with clenched fists

wincing

and wondering why
you shield yourself
against me
but refuse to let me go

canuf

there are all these ways by which we escape our problems. i wish i had a good way cos i can't seem to do it. those issues that bug me never seem to stop, no matter how much i try to turn away from them.

our capacity to regret makes us much better people than we would otherwise be, but also makes life a lot more painful.

panos! i love panos!

cayuga lake from taughannock state park or whatever it's called.


lonely yellow tree. it always fascinates me how nature often (cruelly or not) places a lone unique individual among an otherwise homogenous crowd... here, my shadow points an accusatory finger at that little yellow candle flame...

back finally...

7 miles. that's how far i was from completing my 100mile ride around cayuga lake! well, anyway, this is the 2nd installment of my trip around cayuga lake with me, my backpack and my bicycle. so the first half was really nice, with sun and sand and lake and what not, but on the day i was supposed to head back to cornell, it had started snowing and the temperatures had dropped tremendously. i had no choice though, either pay 50 bucks more to stay another night, or brave the cold wind and snow and just shoot for gold...

right from the start, my right knee problem acted up again, and i basically had to pedal with one leg -- my right leg was just there as an ornament to weigh the right pedal down but for most of the journey, it was useless. only when i took 2 panadols halfway through did i regain any semblance of use for my right leg, and even then it still hurt. the panadols were such a blessing though. i totally forgot about them, even though i remembered to bring my first aid kit with me. only when i prayed to God to take away the pain from my right leg, did i suddenly remember that i actually have panadol somewhere in my backpack! so up on a hill, i washed down two tablets with my gatorade, and life wasn't so meaningless anymore.

but that wasn't the most exciting part. the most exciting part came at 7miles from ithaca, when i finally couldn't feel anything in my fingers or toes anymore. "please don't let any part of me fall off," i prayed. by then i was also totally exhausted cos there wasn't any gas station or ANYTHING along the way, so i had basically ridden about 50miles straight without stopping. the gatorade in my camelbak was frozen, and i had to chew it to get the liquid out.

i kept telling myself to go on, but at the same time i knew that my body was close to its breaking point and even though i had strength left, i was scared to death. i prayed and prayed, and then at myers road on US34b, i saw a house with christmas lights draped outside, and something told me that this is where i'm stopping. it didn't really hit me very hard, and i actually rode on for about 10m before i braked and made the U-turn that most likely saved my life. i knocked on the door, and this huge man in white opened it, and immediately welcomed me inside. his wife made me a basin of warm water which actually almost burnt me when i put my hands in (i was THAT frozen). then, because they were going to start thanksgiving dinner, they gave me a large portion of it -- the first thanksgiving dinner i ever had. baked potato, turkey, long beans, some fruity salady thing, fastastic pumpkin pie, milk, wine (from Lucas Vineyards), eggnog and some really sweet jelly concoction, all courtesy of Marsha (the mum).

and to cap it off, Bill (the dad) threw my bike in the back of his truck and drove me all the way to my doorstep. and i only wanted to warm myself up for a while.

yes, i'm disappointed that i didn't finish, but only a little. after all, i traded 7 miles of cycling in the bitter cold for the wonderful knowledge that God is always there, watching and guiding my hands. and that his children live in houses where closed doors don't exist. Marsha said to me, "We're just so grateful that you decided to visit us." Well, i'm going to visit them again, with a big bottle of wine, and a big THANK YOU written all over my heart.

this was my first Thanksgiving, and i already know why they celebrate it.

in the middle of nowhere....

well, not exactly :) i'm actually in seneca falls, after a long and arduous journey up cayuga lake, which i have to repeat tomorrow except in the opposite direction. According to mapquest, it was about 43miles, but of course that's for drivers. For cyclists, it's a different story -- up and down, up and down, and when your headlights stop working just half an hour into nightfall, 10 miles can feel like you're marathoning across the United States. For whoever cares to know, my right knee is killing me, and i hope for my sake that tomorrow i will wake up perfectly fine and ready to rumble again! for the record, i drank 2 litres of gatorade, ate 2 power bars, and peed near someone's yard cos i just couldn't take it. i mean, 2 litres.... yah that was just about all the bodily interactions i had with my environment on the trip. i forgot to have lunch, or breakfast, so i must say it was really an achievement! of course, after reaching microtel inn at seneca falls, i limped across the street to the New Chinese Buffet (or something with a similar sounding name) and ate more than i ever did in my entire life (except in BMT)!

well, i must say that this half of the trip has really taught me much about thanksgiving. it's now 7 min to thanksgiving, and i know i have tons and tons to give thanks for! about 3/4 into this leg of the journey, my ipod ran out of battery, my headlights soon after, and i was seriously afraid for my life. you know how when you have avril lavigne blasting into your ear, issues mostly just fade away, but all i could hear was the waves of cayuga lake lapping at the shore, and trucks screaming by. Thank God for rear lights. it was really comforting to see the cars passing me in the middle of the road, instead of right beside me!

the stars were beautiful. i was passing by a farm and somehow i just looked up, and there were these wonderful constellations high above me. i know it probably wasn't wise to ride a bicycle while looking up at stars, but whatever i'm still alive. (oh yah another thing to be thankful for!) but yah, beautiful beautiful beautiful. reminds me of battlestar galactica actually, that episode where they looked up at this space portal thingy and saw the twelve constellations... yah i know how it's science fiction with Mormon inclinations, but i like that show!

i also like someone. sometimes, when all your energy is spent quarrelling and worrying and being upset/jealous/angry etc, it's hard to imagine being in love. but i am. and out there, in the quiet (ok maybe not so quiet) of the night, with nothing around me that could occupy my attention (thank God for broken headlights), i felt, deep in my heart, that i just want to be with you. it didn't matter where, just as long as you're beside me. even with my legs hurting and my toes and fingers freezing, how nice would it be to just have you nearby! that if i were to speak, my words will have a soft and gentle spot to land... and if i were to sing, my voice will not just float away into the emptiness around me.... and there would be no emptiness around me.

you don't always have to go on a trip with people for it to be meaningful. a trip on your own can sometimes take your mind to places where it is supposed to go, places where it usually just skirts around, afraid to enter. it makes you look inside yourself because it is the only place you can really see, when dusk is falling and the world is just a grey, transient blur. being alone makes you yearn for company -- company that, when present, is often overlooked and taken for granted.

this is my first time having a hotel room to myself i think.... i wish i had a book to read. :)

Life is like a box

it all depends on which way you hold it.

Keep it upright, and it fills up, hold it the other way round, and it empties itself out. Open it and it's all about the inside. Close it and people only see the container. Close it and it's all dark inside.

When you're born, they put you in a box. When you're dead, they put you in a box.


If you put chocolates in the box, life becomes a box of chocolates.

I don't want to

do the things that my heart warns me against, time and time again

have no peace even when i close my eyes

grab at nothing

fall short

be short

feel anger boiling inside

lie

be a hypocrite

make empty promises

stop creating

ever have to cease knowing the overwhelming feeling of lightness, in my dreams, in my waking imagination

land with more impact than is absolutely necessary

forget to be thankful for prayers answered

forget that all prayers are answered

Freeze-time

Somewhere near the summit of old rag mountain are 4 intrepid explorers who pause for a moment to reflect on their journey.

They are, from left -- Priska, Meng Aun, Cindy and Canuf's Bag.