cry also no use.

your aeroplane just fly away without you.

yep! cry also no use. cry already will your plane fly back and let you sit? cry already will your gf happy happy come and sayang you? cry already will you don't have to sit here for 3 days and suck thumb?

so don't cry lor. but still sit here suck thumb.

syriana

yesterday i watched syriana. might as well have stayed home and studied 4th order differential equations or like, maybe stare at blank wall also can.... catch no ball man! i felt like one of those ah bengs who come out of movies and go, Oh, that explosion was cooool! or... Oh, remember how so and so body slam so and so into that freaking wall? cos seriously, my understanding of that movie didn't go very much beyond that level. Some things that stuck to my mind were:

(spoiler alert)


1. fingernail pulling is disgusting.
2. george clooney died... kind of loserish the way he died too.
3. you pay a famous actor enough money and he'll get fat for you.
4. fingernail pulling is disgusting.

Anyway so the movie is about the size and consequences of political agendas, and how easily the US just goes "wth!" and kills everyone (or lets everyone kill themselves). but what is the point of making the movie so complicated that it only reaches out to the most critical and politically aware of audiences? they probably know more than the movie's going to tell them anyway right? just felt that there were so many powerful messages in the movie that just got diluted and confused by the convoluted plot. but then again, maybe the point is that the middle east situation is so complex that a car bomb here, an assassination there doesn't really make any difference...

oh well, whatever it is, it made lydia fall asleep. of course yours truly cannot waste the 8.75USD (oh shit have to paypal someone) and so stayed awake throughout the movie hoping to catch the ball.

but the ball roll away. in the end i don't even know what syriana means!

but it's ok. i'm coming home liao. then can watch the other psychological thrillers like king kong and chicken little.

they don't look very scared leh

Another poem!

I don't have the words to touch you
I don't have the songs to move you
Cos there's too much to say
And words don't behave when I want them to

And you're wondering why I'm staring
With that silly smile I'm wearing
But don't look away
Cos I'm falling in love with you

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos I'm transparent in your gaze
There's nothing I can hide
While you're in this place

I think you're beautiful
But I won't go telling you
Cos you see it in my face
You feel it on my hands
While I'm holding you


.... there's probably more to this song, but it's just not coming to me! help help :P


anyway, on a different note... i'm reading a walk in the woods by bill bryson and it's quite the funny! it's about two (probably unfit) guys trying to negotiate the appalachian trail and having the time of their lives. which pretty much describes what me and mengaun are thinking of doing next semester. we're probably not going to do the appalachian mountains, but it's probably be one of those forest bashing adventure races that are for people very much fitter than the both of us combined. but what the heck right. after my cayuga lake stint, i'm feeling invincible! or rather, i'm confident that nice americans with warm comfy homes will pop out of nowhere when i desperately need them. who knows, i'm sure people live in swamps and dense forests right?

training regiment in singapore will include a little bit of kayaking, a little bit of finding our way around bukit timah (ok maybe more challenging than that) and lots of laksa and hokkien mee! so that when i'm tired and hungry, i can fill my delirious mind with hunger quenching images of me gulping down a bowl of piping hot laksa. yah i like to reverse-psychology myself.

kind of half-heartedly looking for adventuremates as well, so here's some pics from our very own walk in the woods in virginia to entice whoever!

meng aun inviting snide chuckles with hiking pole

virginia team. canuf's backpack substituting for canuf

untitled

i know you're sad
it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

how i long for the times we've shared
when nothing was bitter
when we'd talk for hours
and fascinate each other
with our separate lives

but now our words have gone dry
our apologies laced with salt
with which i rub your wounds
while you tear at mine

and so we cripple ourselves
though we were once whole
and beautiful
our lives woven
into barbed wire fences
which we keep running ourselves into

and it's been awhile
since i've seen your smile

i figured i'd stop time
if only for a moment
for us to catch a breath
of each other
and maybe that will sustain us

and so i call you
and tell you i'm sorry
and that i wish i could make it up to you
and that maybe things will get better
once i'm home
and touch becomes once more
something we know

and i know you're trying
but your voice gets so cold
it chills me to the bone
and i'm left with clenched fists

wincing

and wondering why
you shield yourself
against me
but refuse to let me go

canuf

there are all these ways by which we escape our problems. i wish i had a good way cos i can't seem to do it. those issues that bug me never seem to stop, no matter how much i try to turn away from them.

our capacity to regret makes us much better people than we would otherwise be, but also makes life a lot more painful.

panos! i love panos!

cayuga lake from taughannock state park or whatever it's called.


lonely yellow tree. it always fascinates me how nature often (cruelly or not) places a lone unique individual among an otherwise homogenous crowd... here, my shadow points an accusatory finger at that little yellow candle flame...

back finally...

7 miles. that's how far i was from completing my 100mile ride around cayuga lake! well, anyway, this is the 2nd installment of my trip around cayuga lake with me, my backpack and my bicycle. so the first half was really nice, with sun and sand and lake and what not, but on the day i was supposed to head back to cornell, it had started snowing and the temperatures had dropped tremendously. i had no choice though, either pay 50 bucks more to stay another night, or brave the cold wind and snow and just shoot for gold...

right from the start, my right knee problem acted up again, and i basically had to pedal with one leg -- my right leg was just there as an ornament to weigh the right pedal down but for most of the journey, it was useless. only when i took 2 panadols halfway through did i regain any semblance of use for my right leg, and even then it still hurt. the panadols were such a blessing though. i totally forgot about them, even though i remembered to bring my first aid kit with me. only when i prayed to God to take away the pain from my right leg, did i suddenly remember that i actually have panadol somewhere in my backpack! so up on a hill, i washed down two tablets with my gatorade, and life wasn't so meaningless anymore.

but that wasn't the most exciting part. the most exciting part came at 7miles from ithaca, when i finally couldn't feel anything in my fingers or toes anymore. "please don't let any part of me fall off," i prayed. by then i was also totally exhausted cos there wasn't any gas station or ANYTHING along the way, so i had basically ridden about 50miles straight without stopping. the gatorade in my camelbak was frozen, and i had to chew it to get the liquid out.

i kept telling myself to go on, but at the same time i knew that my body was close to its breaking point and even though i had strength left, i was scared to death. i prayed and prayed, and then at myers road on US34b, i saw a house with christmas lights draped outside, and something told me that this is where i'm stopping. it didn't really hit me very hard, and i actually rode on for about 10m before i braked and made the U-turn that most likely saved my life. i knocked on the door, and this huge man in white opened it, and immediately welcomed me inside. his wife made me a basin of warm water which actually almost burnt me when i put my hands in (i was THAT frozen). then, because they were going to start thanksgiving dinner, they gave me a large portion of it -- the first thanksgiving dinner i ever had. baked potato, turkey, long beans, some fruity salady thing, fastastic pumpkin pie, milk, wine (from Lucas Vineyards), eggnog and some really sweet jelly concoction, all courtesy of Marsha (the mum).

and to cap it off, Bill (the dad) threw my bike in the back of his truck and drove me all the way to my doorstep. and i only wanted to warm myself up for a while.

yes, i'm disappointed that i didn't finish, but only a little. after all, i traded 7 miles of cycling in the bitter cold for the wonderful knowledge that God is always there, watching and guiding my hands. and that his children live in houses where closed doors don't exist. Marsha said to me, "We're just so grateful that you decided to visit us." Well, i'm going to visit them again, with a big bottle of wine, and a big THANK YOU written all over my heart.

this was my first Thanksgiving, and i already know why they celebrate it.

in the middle of nowhere....

well, not exactly :) i'm actually in seneca falls, after a long and arduous journey up cayuga lake, which i have to repeat tomorrow except in the opposite direction. According to mapquest, it was about 43miles, but of course that's for drivers. For cyclists, it's a different story -- up and down, up and down, and when your headlights stop working just half an hour into nightfall, 10 miles can feel like you're marathoning across the United States. For whoever cares to know, my right knee is killing me, and i hope for my sake that tomorrow i will wake up perfectly fine and ready to rumble again! for the record, i drank 2 litres of gatorade, ate 2 power bars, and peed near someone's yard cos i just couldn't take it. i mean, 2 litres.... yah that was just about all the bodily interactions i had with my environment on the trip. i forgot to have lunch, or breakfast, so i must say it was really an achievement! of course, after reaching microtel inn at seneca falls, i limped across the street to the New Chinese Buffet (or something with a similar sounding name) and ate more than i ever did in my entire life (except in BMT)!

well, i must say that this half of the trip has really taught me much about thanksgiving. it's now 7 min to thanksgiving, and i know i have tons and tons to give thanks for! about 3/4 into this leg of the journey, my ipod ran out of battery, my headlights soon after, and i was seriously afraid for my life. you know how when you have avril lavigne blasting into your ear, issues mostly just fade away, but all i could hear was the waves of cayuga lake lapping at the shore, and trucks screaming by. Thank God for rear lights. it was really comforting to see the cars passing me in the middle of the road, instead of right beside me!

the stars were beautiful. i was passing by a farm and somehow i just looked up, and there were these wonderful constellations high above me. i know it probably wasn't wise to ride a bicycle while looking up at stars, but whatever i'm still alive. (oh yah another thing to be thankful for!) but yah, beautiful beautiful beautiful. reminds me of battlestar galactica actually, that episode where they looked up at this space portal thingy and saw the twelve constellations... yah i know how it's science fiction with Mormon inclinations, but i like that show!

i also like someone. sometimes, when all your energy is spent quarrelling and worrying and being upset/jealous/angry etc, it's hard to imagine being in love. but i am. and out there, in the quiet (ok maybe not so quiet) of the night, with nothing around me that could occupy my attention (thank God for broken headlights), i felt, deep in my heart, that i just want to be with you. it didn't matter where, just as long as you're beside me. even with my legs hurting and my toes and fingers freezing, how nice would it be to just have you nearby! that if i were to speak, my words will have a soft and gentle spot to land... and if i were to sing, my voice will not just float away into the emptiness around me.... and there would be no emptiness around me.

you don't always have to go on a trip with people for it to be meaningful. a trip on your own can sometimes take your mind to places where it is supposed to go, places where it usually just skirts around, afraid to enter. it makes you look inside yourself because it is the only place you can really see, when dusk is falling and the world is just a grey, transient blur. being alone makes you yearn for company -- company that, when present, is often overlooked and taken for granted.

this is my first time having a hotel room to myself i think.... i wish i had a book to read. :)

Life is like a box

it all depends on which way you hold it.

Keep it upright, and it fills up, hold it the other way round, and it empties itself out. Open it and it's all about the inside. Close it and people only see the container. Close it and it's all dark inside.

When you're born, they put you in a box. When you're dead, they put you in a box.


If you put chocolates in the box, life becomes a box of chocolates.

I don't want to

do the things that my heart warns me against, time and time again

have no peace even when i close my eyes

grab at nothing

fall short

be short

feel anger boiling inside

lie

be a hypocrite

make empty promises

stop creating

ever have to cease knowing the overwhelming feeling of lightness, in my dreams, in my waking imagination

land with more impact than is absolutely necessary

forget to be thankful for prayers answered

forget that all prayers are answered

Freeze-time

Somewhere near the summit of old rag mountain are 4 intrepid explorers who pause for a moment to reflect on their journey.

They are, from left -- Priska, Meng Aun, Cindy and Canuf's Bag.

Misery

what happens when someone tells you how miserable his/her life is? does it get you down too? does it make you feel lucky that yours isn't as miserable? does it make you morbidly ashamed that life is treating you too well? does it make you afraid that things won't stay rosy for long? does it make you pity? does it make you look down in disdain?

how do you convince someone who's miserable that God loves all of us?

how do you convince yourself after that?

misery is a frightful thing. no one looks forward to misery.

misery is addictive.

misery is contagious. it feeds on you until you pass it to someone else.

Virginia!

for 3 years, i've seen that lone tree in arts quad turn red before any other tree. i guess it has been doing that for its entire life right? lynn tells us that she'd like to be like that tree. i don't know man...

cos it's also the first to go bare.


i am going to virginia! climb mountains. i want to look down from the top, and praise God for what he has created just for us. I want to feel the weight of the earth under me, and imagine the Earth's crust straining deep beneath those layers. I want to be healed. I want to feel my body working. I want to let go of my mind, to let it expand, reaching out into where nothing can keep it bound.

I want to feel water running down my throat, and be thankful for its taste. I want to experience trees without a rifle clutched in my hands. i want to live.


what if you were a rock, perched precariously at a ledge on a great mountain... which would impact you more, the fact that you're right up there above the clouds, or the fact that very soon, a gust of wind or a slight movement of the Earth would send you all the way down, probably reaching the base in much more than a single piece?

Don't Let Me Go

Too many times
We let ourselves wonder
If we can find a place
Less miserable than here

Too many times
We let ourselves go under
All the weight of the fury
That’s heaped onto us

Then something snaps
And there’s a taxi by the sidewalk
To take us where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

Out in the streets
I run into your mother
She asks me what the hell I’m doing
Here outside of your world

I said well, something snapped
And there’s that taxi by the sidewalk
To take me where the
Grass is greener

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

So don’t you cry
Cos I’ll change my mind
And we’ll just act
Like nothing happened

But don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away)
Don’t let me go
(too far away from here)

sculpture 101

how do you make yourself feel adequate when you've just done something that's just SO dumb? do you just forget about it? damn i always get unsettled by such things, like i feel i have to make up for it, even though the situation's over and there's really nothing i can do about anything...


oh well, i've decided again that art is fun. after 3 years of architecture, it's really refreshing to be able to just talk about your ideas without people telling you, "no this doesn't work. you're not thinking." ri guess one of the differences between artists and architects is the idea of experience. in architecture, there's knowledge that can be accumulated, that can give people a sense of whether something is better than the other. of course it's true for technical skills in art, but in terms of creativity, everything is a new experience. because art stimulates the observer in a much greater variety of ways -- you're not restricted by having to consider function, feasibility, sustainability and all those other things. the ideal observer approaches art with a fresh mind, making personal connections, interpretations and letting himself be affected by the artwork. we find meaning in lots of different things. you can't do that with architecture, cos architecture always has to have that primary role of function and program.

so therefore, art is fun. it's definitely is very much that mechanism for release that it's so well known for.

I jump

I jump.
You jump.
Together, we might create resonance, depending on circumstances.

I wait.
You wait.
We grow old.

I psychoanalyse
You. Psychoanalyse
Me.

There's a bridge nearby that we could cross
Provided we're crossing from the same side
And you're following behind me

Or vice versa.

Sometimes we're like binary stars.
Always revolving around each other
But never collapsing into the centre
Until the fuel runs out.

The matter with time....

when you're a geologist, or a student studying geology, one of the things that mess you up is the immense timescale you're working on. millions of years ago become abbreviated to mya, like oh, this sediment was deposited 375mya. doesn't seem like much does it? and then you fast forward and rewind so rapidly through time that Earth's entire life could almost be happening on a single dvd.

and then people around you, those whom you love and those whom you wish you loved more, start to disappear, and all of a sudden you're brought back into that uncomfortable little time zone of less than a century. you become that little blip in time, so insignificant and so significant at the same time. because that little blip is your entire existence, and it's surrounded by so many other blips for whom this time zone is their entire existences as well.

don't ever terminate your existence out of spite. cos the last thought that flashes through your mind will be, "will it even matter?" and then you'll be gone.

don't live each day as if it were your last, cos you won't even feel like doing anything. i guess live each day as if it were the first day in the last month of your life.

just before we die, there's always (i suppose) that moment of clarity, when you realize that selfish thoughts don't really matter anymore, and that you now have, all of a sudden, an infinite capacity to give. don't wait till then to start giving, cos it's not easy while you're bedridden.

don't leave me... cos i haven't looked at you enough. and all the other things as well.

the last rays

notes about light:

1. we are opaque, and therefore cast shadows.

2. we are sometimes pretty deliberate about where our shadows fall

3. light and truth coexist until a certain threshold.

4. we are what is reflected off us.

5. the sun is at its most beautiful (and most tolerable) the instant before it disappears beyond the horizon.

When two worlds collide

Juxtaposition.

i hate it.

cos it makes me feel small.

and cos there's nowhere to hide.

I Went Into The Sail

i went into the sail of my ship
to see if there was anything
inside

i scaled the mast
across flat contours that glistened in the sunset
where the peaks and valleys were but
incriptions of time

then i stretched myself thin
and like a film of paint
smeared myself
across the canvas

i found out
that even at the scale of oceans
the view from above is very much unalike
the view from the deck

crashing waves seem less frightening
like choreographed theatrics
but the swaying hurt
and i was always falling

i felt the weight
not on my shoulders
but upon my entire being
i become the medium

i was whipped on my back
giant flat lashes
but the space before me was always inviting
(or was it the other way round?)

i become the medium
the boundary that is never breached
solid and yet
forever in flux

i see the future
i see the past
and in the x axis i become infinitely small

and yet i am majestic
i am the crown
the deck below me disappears
into the rippling surface

while the ship cuts into the ocean like a knife
i slice into the wind
no matter how floundering i may be
without

and then i discover
that what shapes us
isn't our skin
but those other, less visible things

like hope.
and dreams.