squashed

amazingly, 2 days after playing squash for the first time since december, i am not aching! except for the big toe on my right foot, which was kinda crushed from the numerous times I jabbed it against my new shoe. i suspect it might have something to do with the fact that i actually do stomp around the court like an elephant, even though i never liked to think so. or maybe i just try too hard. need professional training man! so whoever's going to play squash/badminton/tennis, jio me ok!

on another note, miss japan (now universe) is gorgeous.

online friendship

Read an article in the Straits Times today that appeared to be condemning the rise in online friendships. Is it really that bad? Pen pals have been in existence since i dunno, decades ago? What makes a disembodied friend any less of a friend than one whom you can see and/or touch? Fundamentally, friends provide comfort, support, encouragement and listening ears. Do these actually require a physical presence?

There is often a great concern that when a friendship is limited to online communication, there is no way of knowing whether the person on the other side is really who he/she claims to be. People often fudge their descriptions to make themselves appear more attractive, even going to the extent of using fake photographs and completely false identities. My question is, so what? If my girlfriend dumps me and I have no one else to turn to, does it matter that the online friend I pour my troubles to isn't really a 19 year old blonde theatre student in UCLA? What matters is that she/he is there to listen, to give advice and to comfort an aching heart. Yes, of course people get tricked into potentially dangerous relationships via online chat rooms, but with our increasingly discerning and media savvy users, and with the right angle of education, such situations are definitely avoidable. Abhorring the idea of online friendships is in my opinion, pretty backward looking.

This is not to say that online friendships are better than "real-life" friendships. Nor are they worse. They are just different, and should hence serve different purposes. One obviously should not totally depend on online friendships, otherwise one might become socially inept in a world that is still very physical in nature. However, just relying on "real-life" friends can be difficult for some, and downright traumatic for others. In a society that heaps so much importance on physical appearance, being ugly can be as big a handicap as being, well, handicapped.

I have friends whom I play sports with, I have friends who are my housemates, and classmates, and I also have friends whom I have never (physically) met before. All these people make my life a rich and multi-layered one, and keep me happy and contented in a world that can often be cruel and lonely.

So for the author of that article, I would want to urge her to try out online friendships, before she makes sweeping judgements like that. Of course, I think that having 1000 friends on facebook is just excessive, much like having an 80gig music library. Friends should be more than just statistics.

So on this note, I'd like to thank everyone out there who is my friend, whether material or immaterial. Thanks for helping me weave the beautiful web that is my life :)

Invisible

This is a new song I wrote... the first verse has been in my head for like months.... and yesterday something just clicked and I wrote the whole song down :)

Take my hands
And lead me through this maze of thorns
Dry my tears
So I can see again
Pick me up
For my legs refuse to stand
Touch my heart
So I can feel again

And let your fingers play
Their rhythm on my face
I'm dancing to your strings
They are invisible
Invisible

Spin me round
So I feel alive again
Sing me songs
That never fade away
Hold me close
Let your fire fill my soul
Set me free
But never let me go

Your breath is on my skin
It sways me like the wind
I'm floating on your wings
They are invisible
Invisible

There's nothing like surrender
To a face I cannot see
I know by now it's pointless
To resist what's holding me
So calm this heart and help me
To believe that you are near
Invisible
Invisible

Things to come?

If we can increasingly do work and make money on the internet, what is going to happen to all those industries (like financial institutions, media industries) that have up till now been centered in cities but are actually less reliant on close physical proximity of individuals than industries like manufacture and agriculture etc? As huge office buildings start to become obsolete, and the home increasingly regains importance as a hub for work, leisure and social life, will this herald a new age where cities no longer retain their importance as attractors for economic and social activity?

I believe that the rise of the internet has the ability to impact the urban structure and architecture in many ways, most importantly in terms of dissolving the city into decentralized towns based on primary and secondary industries, moving away from our environmentally harmful sprawls of skyscrapers and dense infrastructure. The office skyscraper is, to me, fast becoming a harmful redundancy, because not only is it detrimental to nature due to its urban footprint, it forces people to commute from their homes, often in automobiles, which continue to use up valuable resources and produce tons of toxic outputs. The skyscraper itself is highly energy dependent, what with its great demands on HVAC and lighting systems. If one day the tools for digital video conferencing and online transactions become so commonplace that it removes the need for people to congregate physically at a location for tertiary work, then it would eliminate the need for a significant contributor to environmental degradation. And I believe that the day isn't that far away.

NEW YORK - The Internet is causing something of an earthquake in the US media industry, which last year reported a nearly twofold increase in job cuts as more people turn to the Web as their main source for news.

Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a New York-based global outplacement firm that tracks job cuts, said 17,809 media jobs were eliminated in 2006, an 88 per cent increase over 2005, when 9,453 job cuts were announced.

The downsizing is expected to continue, the company said, pointing to more than 2,000 job cuts announced by media companies in the first half of January.

'These (media) organisations will continue to make adjustments as their focus shifts from print to electronic,' said Mr John Challenger, chief executive of Challenger, Gray and Christmas.

'Until they can figure out a way to make as much money from their online services as they are losing from the print side, it is going to be an uphill battle,' he added.

Mr Challenger said news organisations today have no choice but to build a strong online presence or risk 'fading into oblivion', and they must compete with an exploding number of bloggers, industry sites and others vying for people's attention.

According to a recent study by the Washington-based Pew Research Centre, 50 million Americans turn to the Internet every day to seek out news. Only 17 per cent say they get their news from a national paper.

Another Pew survey found that the number of Americans who go online for housing information has doubled since 2000.

'Everything that you used to rely on newspapers for can be found on the Internet,' Mr Challenger said. 'The decline in newspaper and newsweekly subscriptions will continue as more and more people purchase computers and gain access to the Internet.' -- AFP

what i did during my holidays

This holiday, i:

1. went to my first engagement party (where i wasn't the "family" in dear Mr Lau and family).
2. sat the luge at sentosa.
3. got a tennis racket for christmas!
4. thought about getting a hdb flat.
5. downloaded maplestory onto my comp for my sis.
6. went to bangkok (again) (and burnt many holes in my pockets).
7. celebrated 1st christmas with char!
8. quarrelled a bit
9. patched up.
10. did mildly naughty things.
11. drove my dad's mercedes finally!
12. drove my mum's peugeot finally!
13. drove char's mum's swift finally!
14. read death note the manga, watched the anime, and didn't watch the movie.
15. played tennis.
16. rediscovered my badminton serve after mysteriously losing it for no reason.
17. got a suit! (which partially explains the holes in my pockets after bangkok)
18. had lots of fun with my family!!! (i'm actually watching my little sis grow up!)
19. recorded a new song (though rather poorly).
20. didn't do any work.

kids

why do we want to have kids? is it just an animal's instinct to reproduce and ensure the survival of our species? is it because everyone else (and especially all the celebrities nowadays) are having kids, and we don't want to be perceived as infertile/selfish/uncool/etc? is it because we yearn to care for and unconditionally love someone for the rest of our lives, and can't do it unless we create this person out of our own bodies? is it to prove to ourselves (and our friends and relatives) that we are capable of nurturing someone? or is it a last-ditch attempt at reliving our own lives, unmaking the mistakes we've made, letting "ourselves" enjoy what we've never got to enjoy in our own lives, showing our parents that we know better (and often realizing that they really did know better), and so on...?

i have a little sister 14 years younger than me. i watched her grow up, and sometimes when i look at her pic i almost start tearing because i love her so much.

i think for me, i want to have kids because really, there's no way i can keep inside me all the love i have received from God and from my parents all these years. i know i have to pass it on, and give my life to a little kid (or kids) just like how it's been for me.

lying

why do you keep trying to convince me that i'm good enough for you, when we both know that i'm not? if i was, why are you upset with me almost every day?

i feel like i'm getting really familiar with that dull pain in my heart nowadays.

just went for a really sweet engagement party. it just makes me melt everytime i see a couple constantly gazing into each other's eyes when they are talking to other people. for me, that's a great sign of love -- when what you say and do doesn't belong to you alone, but to both you and your partner.


i wish i could love you without having to hate myself.

Something They Missed

I wake up alone
There’s no one beside me
That’s what I need
The voice in my head says
You like it this way
And I agree
Cos it’s not like
I have anything else to see
Cos it’s not like
I have anywhere else to be

But there must be something I missed
Cos when you’re smiling at me
It’s like I’m finally breaking the surface
And I’m starting to breathe

There must be something I missed
Cos when your lips touch my skin
You tear this wall into pieces
And set me free

They tell me you’re dangerous
Don’t trust those angel wings
She’ll throw them away
Once you say you can’t pay
For those pretty things
Cos it’s not like
I have anything much to give
Cos it’s not like
There is anything more to me

But there must be something they missed
Cos when you reach out to me
I feel like the storm is clearing
And I’m starting to see

That there’s something they missed
Cos when you’re right here with me
I know that you’ll be staying
And I’ll never leave

pieces

coming back to singapore once again.

i realize that "home", and "belonging", are becoming increasingly abstract concepts. i can't find anything or anyone here that can just embrace the whole of my being, and allow me to rest knowing that i am accepted for who i am. there is no place for the entirety of my spirit to dwell...

instead i am portioned out, pieces of me distributed amongst interested parties, such that at the end of the day, wherever i end up, i am always that much less than what i'm supposed to be.

i don't even know what to say anymore. maybe i'm tired. maybe i'm very very tired.

i'm sad -- will someone share these tears with me?

singing a song

i've spent the last week trying to perfect the song i just wrote (well i wrote it some time ago, but without the melody)... changing bits and pieces of the lyrics, trying to squeeze in some nice turns of melody into the chorus, etc etc... playing it over and over and over again. of course i make sure i didn't play it too loud in case my neighbour thinks i only know one lousy song and and i'm trying to show her i can play CFGCFG on the guitar 500 times in 1 hour.

suddenly i start wondering, why do i keep playing this song? don't people get tired of songs after awhile? so i sit here and actually stare at the wall for awhile, trying to determine if i'm actually narsicisstically basking in my songwriting "skills", or if there's some other weird reason for my obsession. then it hit me. everytime i play the song, i think of you. i was like, are you sure.... they only do that in movies lor. but really, it's true. everytime i sing, when i reach the part that says "even if it seems/like i'm too far away/to make any kind of difference", you pop into my head. and at "someone wants to warm us/when we're feeling cold", again. i think it'll be different if i sing it to you though, cos then it becomes a performance. here, alone in my little room, i can actually say the words to you, knowing that they'll fly halfway around the world into your subconscious, and infect you with some mysterious joy that you can't put a finger to. here in my room i can close my eyes and mean every single word.

i wish you're thinking of me now. i feel like i'm actually writing this -- saying this to you even though you're probably going to be the last one to read this... not your fault of course, i know exams are coming and all that -- but yah, here, without having to look you in the eyes, i feel i can pour out my heart to you and yet be sure that you won't just laugh it off in your typical embarrassed manner, as if you can't believe that i love you so much.

i can't wait to kiss you again. seriously. i see so many people kissing on tv but i know we kiss so much better than any of them! crossing my fingers that this thought applies to you too.

so, back to my song. i guess when i finally get to see you again, i'll finally get to stop playing it :)

the homeless girl

you want to get out of the sun
like a garden snail retreat into your shell
but all the doors are shut
and you're melting onto the sidewalk

their refuse is your cloak
your camouflage
no one sees you
as you slowly dissolve

you wish you could fly --
to hover at chest level
so they'd collide into you
and maybe notice

that staring back is a face
just like any other

frie rice

back in singapore, there used to be a time when i would look at the zi cha stall, licking my lips, and then finally deciding sullenly that I'll skip the fried rice this time and save up for another day.

now in nyc, i eat fried rice every day, because it's like the cheapest meal available this side of spanish harlem. everyday i go to the same chinese restaurant, and tell the girl there "chicken/shrimp/beef fried rice please", whereby she'll reply, "chickin/shrimp/beef frie rice?" and i'll say, "yes" and can you believe, it, the "frie rice" comes out in 2 minutes.

i really don't know how they do it, but it's freaking faster than macdonalds! doesn't say very much about the care they put into making these humble morsels, but they taste good! i mean, i've eaten "frie rice" every single day and i'm not sick of it yet. i've had a few bouts of diarrhoea though, which i try my best to attribute to other things like the weather. come on it's 3 dollars! i mean 2.95. i can't give it up man, it's like a drug. sweet, mind-numbing drug. with lots and lots of oil.

oh gawd i wish i was rich.

living alone

not easy.

everyday i yearn for the comforting voices of familiar friends, for smiles and idle chatter. all i hear is the incessant drone of my air filter, now resigned to recycle the cigarette smoke stench in the room, despite its initial valiant efforts otherwise.

i fear that when i finally return to civilization, i will have nothing left to talk about.

you are everything

you are everything
that i don't see
you fill the air
and it slips past me

but like a gentle stream
you soothe my skin
and you melt my soul
without me knowing

the very next day.

i really shouldn't have made everything seem so easy... i feel now what you surely used to feel a year ago... neglected, half forgotten... the only difference is that a year ago, i gave myself no excuses. i was always sorry, wasn't i? bad time management, skewed priorities, etc. now the tables are turned but only partially. you have all these justifications, you're stressed, you're not superman unlike me, so why can't i be more understanding?

you're right you know, i shouldn't have attached any significance to this anniversary. 2 years... i felt so bad and so nervous for one whole week you know, trying to figure out a way to let you know that this is important to me, that you are important to me. and you do know now don't you? i love you so much and do you know why? cos my heart doesn't break for anyone else.

i just wanted to make you smile. but only after i managed that feat did i realize that i need so much to smile myself, to fill that hollow inside me.

it used to be that anniversaries meant so much more to you than it did to me -- i could never really wrap my hands around that concept. but why do i attach so much significance to it now?

the selfish me wishes you never came to australia, that you never started on this journey. the other selfish me wishes you'd just forget about me and leave me behind, so that i can catch my breath and recover.

i'm writing this here only because i'm pretty sure you'll never read it.

Not Alone

When the lights go out
And there’s nothing you can see
Remember to turn around
And hold out your hand for me

Even if it seems
Like I’m too far away
To touch this heart that hungers
Like a flower for the rain

Even if it seems
Like a best-forgotten dream

Just stay....just stay....just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

You have been the match
That set my heart alight
So let me always be the flame
To help you walk at night

And if one day I burn
When my wick has reached its end
I’ll know I wasn’t wasted
Cos you held me in your hand

Just stay.... just stay.... just stay

Cos sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to know
That someone wants to warm us
When we're feeling cold

And sometimes it’s enough
Just for us to feel
That gentle breath beside us
To tell us that we are not alone

disturbing....

today i sat in the bus reading my Newpaper, with an old man beside me humming some weird and irritating chinese opera tune. that was of course interesting enough for me, but every time i turned the page, he would stop his musical rendition to read out the headlines for the benefit of the entire vicinity. and his diction was actually quite clear and precise for someone of his ahem... mental constitution....

to make matters worse, the Newpaper is often known for its eye-catching headlines like "Man stabs ex-wife's lover and cuts off his.... " which was what the old man promptly announced. he even made a theatrical emphasis on the "...."! so after 20 min of living hell, i hurriedly flung myself out of the bus and ran into oncoming traffic to end my miserable existence. of course, just before i died, i managed to catch a glimpse of another passenger innocently taking her seat beside this amazing character, with her husband standing beside her. i can only hope she wasn't carrying any reading material.

one arm big one arm small

that's my aim! now that i've sort of picked up tennis, my aspiration is to have a huge gigantic musculalalalar right arm in no time! since there's not going to be so much volleyball to play in NYC, i assume that my left arm is going to start getting flabby soon, unless i rescue it by doing lots of backhanded volleys too! so fun, tennis. most fun part is that i might actually start getting a tan. now all i have to do is to buy a tennis racket and stop freeloading from pple....

coming home

who is to keep me from the cold
when my heart is frozen still
there's no one to hold am i walking alone
in this cruel unending chill

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

who is to save me from the ghosts
of a dark and dreary past
i cry out for someone to watch over me
on this lonesome restless life

is it you i see
drawing close to me
your outstretched arms
your mighty hands
your faithful words
lifting my breath
you're my salvation

and it's me you see
coming home to Thee
i stand at your door
catching my breath
i'm done with this race
in you i will rest
you're my salvation

some thoughts...

can i still lead you if you are not willing to follow? what is the point of imagining a wonderful life ahead if everything we're doing now seems to point towards disaster? will things change just because we feel that they should? being children of God doesn't absolve us of sin... it just erases the ultimate consequence.

Love is...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8